Gymkhana

by Roaming

Chapter 2

I think some people will think this story moves too fast..

--

Concentrating all her might on making her wings disappear, Twilight didn't notice Shadow Steel and Stardust speaking in low, slightly worried voices. She was in her own world, and it paid off; her wings disappeared. It was then that she noticed their whispering. "Is something wrong?" she asked the duo, who turned to look at her in surprise.

They had stopped for the night, right before the Gymkhanan-Equestrian border. They were less than a day's walk from Canterlot, so they stopped earlier than usual. There was no fire yet; no one felt a need for it, as the sun was only just setting.

"Nothing is wrong, milady," Stardust answered, giving a bow. Despite being a mare, Stardust bowed in the same way a colt would. She felt it made for less division between her and the other guards.

For once Twilight actually stopped and observed the mare. She was pretty, but tougher than any other mare Twilight knew from all the training she was put through. Usually Stardust's eyes were a calming blue, but right then they looked like an ocean during a storm; dark and worrying. Then Twilight noticed how the sunset off her white hair looked a lot like blood, and the stars on her flank-usually a bright yellow- turned a sickly orange-yellow colour. Her fur, light blue, was as unsightly and unsettling as her cutie mark was.

Twilight Sparkle wasn't superstitious, but that was an omen if she'd ever seen one. Usually somepony looked beautiful in the sunset light; Stardust-and, she realized, all the other guards-seemed transformed into monstrosities. It had never happened before then.

The princess laughed at her own stupidity; of course she was thinking these things. Everyone seemed worried and nervous, but that was to be expected; they were leaving their princess with strangers. There was nothing else to be afraid of.

~~Line Break~~

They arrived in Canterlot the next day, right before the sun began to set. Twilight greeted Princess Celestia in the throne room, and answered questions as to her lack of wings.

Upon noticing the guards leaving outside the window, Twilight frowned. "Why are they not staying the night, Princess?"

Princess Celestia glanced towards the window. "I believe they feel the need to return home as soon as they can," she answered. She smiled then. "Come with me, Princess Twilight Sparkle. Let me show you to your room."

~~Line Break~~

Twilight set the last book on the shelf and sighed, looking at a clock on the wall in her room. It showed that it was midnight. Well, Twilight thought as she headed to her bed, books don't arrange themselves.

She lay on her bed and stared at the wall, wondering how her family was back in Gymkhana. Equestria wasn't nearly as different as she had thought it was, but the citizens were infinitely happier, and the air among the royals was a lot more casual, despite the ruling princesses being a thousand years old.

The foreign princess thought about everything she had learned today and people she had met.

Cadance was the same age as Shining Armor, but she was an alicorn. She had thousands of years ahead of her, just like Twilight and her own family did. Celestia was the elder ruling sister who rose and lowered the sun; Luna the younger who rose and lowered the moon. They were the two princesses who affected the entire world, not just Equestria, she realized the moment she met them. Then their was Cadance's cousin and the ruling sisters' nephew, Prince Blue Blood. He was a normal unicorn-didn't even have the advantage of alicorn blood to help him live a thousand years like Shining Armor did. He was horrible, Twilight had decided by the end of dinner.

The guard in Equestria was made of unicorns and pegasi, unlike Gymkhana where there were no pegasi. The only cities where the three races didn't intermix were cities like Cloudsdale, situated on clouds that unicorns and earth ponies couldn't walk on.

Equestria was completely peaceful. There were no revolts, no violent protests... it was like a paradise.

Twilight could only hope it would stay that way.

Yawning, the mare fell into a deep sleep.

~~Line Break~~

"Now Twilight Sparkle, what spell did you use to conceal your wings?" Princess Celestia asked when they began their lessons two days later, after Twilight had settled in.

"Just a simple temporary spell to make objects disappear," Twilight answered. "One that has to be renewed every hour, on the hour."

"So when you sleep your wings will come back," Celestia asked, though it sounded more like a statement. Twilight nodded sheepishly. "That could be a problem when others come into your room to wake you in case of emergency, if you truly wish to keep your wings a secret. You need to learn a spell to be rid of them for at least six hours, preferably twelve-but that may be asking a little much from a mare your age."

"I'm sure I can do it," Twilight stated self-confidently. "It might take me some time to learn, but I will."

Celestia smiled. "Such confidence-I like that. You're eager to learn. That's good too. Just don't let your confidence get the best of you. Now, let us begin."

Eventually Twilight did learn the spell flawlessly, but it took three days of practicing. Soon, however, she was able to make her wings disappear for six hours at a time-she would begin working on twelve afterwards.

However, right then she was confused. Everyone in the castle glanced at her nervously, as though they knew something she didn't know. They whispered until she came near, then they'd smile nervously and ask her how her day had been. When she matched someone's gaze, they quickly averted their eyes. Twilight had begun to think someone had seen her wings and it was going around, but no one wanted to say anything.

The mare nearly drove herself crazy with worry... until she found out it had nothing to do with her being an alicorn, that is. She was given something knew to worry about then.

During magic training-something simpler, turning a leaf into a pillow-a pegasus guard burst in the room. "Your Majesty! A stallion has been found wounded on the steps of the castle. No one knows where he came from-he came in the night, the unicorn guards believe!"

Princess Celestia nodded seriously, and Twilight saw truly why everyone respected her so much. In that moment she went from the friend to the ruler. "Come, Twilight Sparkle."

Celestia and Twilight hurried towards the infirmiry where the stallion had been taken. When they entered, Twilight paled and stumbled.

"Sh-Shining Armor," she whispered, running over to the white and blue unicorn. He was unconscious-she was glad of that. He would be in much pain if he were awake.

Twilight could hear the doctors and nurses whispering together, and she could see why. The wounds Shining Armor had sustained would have killed a normal unicorn-but he had the blood of alicorns. Yes, they were painful, and yes, just a few more would have done him in, but he was saved somehow before they could finish him. He was covered in what looked like stab wounds and trample marks.

"Twilight Sparkle," Celestia spoke, quietly. "You know him?"

"It's my brother," she answered, stunned. "Shining Armor. But why is he here? He should be with Mom and Dad, in Gymkhana..."

"Gymkhana?" One of the nurses overheard her and turned to look at her. "Miss Twilight, revolts surfaced in Gymkhana several days ago. Many citizens-over half, according to statistics, and growing- have attacked the capital where the royal family lives. Did no one tell you?"

"We are doing all we can to help," Celestia told the stunned princess-the princess everyone knew was from Gymkhana but didn't know she was the princess. "We've sent our guards to help fight; your father's guard was overpowered, and some even turned."

"Why did no one tell me?" Twilight asked, still in shock. "Why did no one tell me they were being attacked? I would have gone home to help immediately!"

"Twilight," Celestia started quietly, kneeling down to wrap a wing around the pony. "There was nothing you could do. They were after your family and your supporters; you would have been attacked the moment you crossed the border. From the condition of your brother, I do not think they were fighting fairly. You would have been overpowered and hurt, if not... killed. It was best you stayed here. I did think you knew what had happened, though- Prince Blue Blood had told me he would tell you." There was a note of disapproval in her voice, as it was obvious Blue Blood hadn't kept his word.

"Are Mother and Father alright?" she asked quietly, staring at her brother. Celestia didn't answer. Her silence was answer enough.

All of a sudden Shining Armor woke up. "Twili!" he cried out, sitting up and immediately regretting it. He winced. "Twilight, you have to get out of here...!"

"What? Why?"

"Some of the guards who brought you here joined Them," he started, and it was clear he was quickly losing consciousness again. "They told Them where you are. They'll be here within three days. They want to kill you, Twilight, They won't rest until... You have to get out of here..."

As Shining Armor lost consciousness, Twilight frowned. "What about you?" she asked, though she knew he couldn't answer. "What about you?"

"I suppose 'they' believe him to be dead," Celestia told Twilight quietly. "Twilight, if what your brother says is true, then you really must be out of Canterlot in three days' time. If 'they' have formed an army, there is only so much time Canterlot can fight them."

Twilight bit her lip. "By helping us we've endangered your entire country," Twilight said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Do not worry. Luna and I will take care of everything. I am sure 'they' will wait longer than three days. To regroup. I'm sure they lost many, and they'll need more ponies to join them to fight against us. They're only half a country; we're a full one."

"Princess, I can't leave, I have to help."

"You and your brother are the only chance Gymkhana has at redemption," Celestia stated. "We will save your brother, and he will have his choice of staying here, disguised as one of the guard, or joining you. They believe him to be... delt with. It is you they search for. It is best for you to be where they do not expect you."

"I don't know where I would go, Celestia. I don't know how easily I could hide... you know." Twilight glanced at where her wings should have been. "And the guards knew how I am disguising myself."

"I know, Twilight Sparkle." She looked around. "I will send you to Ponyville," she said. "It is a diverse town, and you can easily blend in there. Befriend ponies you can trust with your life. Hopefully one day you can trust them with your secret."

"Princess-are you sure? I don't want to endanger them."

"Do not worry, Twilight Sparkle-they will be safe. I am sure of it."

~~End Chapter Two--

Comments

[Golfmann14]

I could always use summore Alicorn Twilight.

BTW in your story : "Twili" is Twily.

[Roaming]

1722341 ALicorn Twilight is awesome Twilight

And I know how it's actually spelled, I've just always naturally spelled the shortened version of "Twilight" as "Twili" Force of habit.

[Golfmann14]

1722371

Just wondering if you did that on purpose or not

[Roaming]

1722380 Haha

[Field_Marshal_Luna]

reactionface.info/sites/default/files/images/YvEN9.png

[Golfmann14]

It's good when people who critique have to get picky.

instead of using:~~Line Break~~

Use maybe: ~~~~~ or ----- generally these are symbols for time change/scene changes.

[Roaming]

1722417 Oh great I forgot to change it... haha I'm such a numbskull Thanks for the tip.

[Dunsparce]

Dunsparce will review this once he is done with his stupid-huge homework assignment tonight. Dunsparce likes weird names that sound like World of Warcraft bosses.

[Golfmann14]

1722450

Why are you the comment b1sh for a pokemon i think?!? Seriously you've been on like 5 other fics saying that you are going to bless our presence somehow. Get over yourself. This isn't the place to be a jerk and refer to yourself in the third person. Go back to 4chan.

1722443

No problem. I saw your author notes in ch. 2 and i think your fic either A: Needs to be slow to introduce everything in a timely manner or B: Needs to be a tad fast to get to where you can do everything to the grand scheme of things. I kinda like the pace but there's always more room to be more descriptive in some areas.

[Dunsparce]

1722485 Trying to change as hard as I can. Somethings just make me angry and I just lose it. I'm trying to capture my rage and energy, however it didn't seem to work that well for a few stories.

[Roaming]

1722485 Well most of the story takes place in Ponyville which is why I only spent the first two chapters on Gymkhana and Canterlot... But yea, there are places in the story that could use a lot more detail/description. I just suck at both. I'm glad you like the pace so far, though

[totallynotabrony]

Needs more Ken Block
carzi.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/ken-block-gymkhana-3.jpg

[Archivist Nightwatch]

Eh wierd story but hey its Alicorn Twilight and its not 1000% tragedy with twilight going psycho on everyone or something like that.

[Lelouch Vi Britania]

I really like where this story is going, and I'm interested to see how twi gets along with everypony in ponyville. Also, loving the universe you've set up here, it's pretty awesome.

[Jirodyne]

The only problem I can find is really the 'problem' in the story. Twilight's kingdom is dieing... With no clear reason as to why.This group of people known simple as 'they' some how revolted a country and had them kill the leaders that are trying to help them and now wants them to go to war, with even more bloodshed and dieing and worse conditions than before just to kill 1 pony. Also 4 traitors take a fleeing princess to the most powerful kingdom in the land, and decide not to kill her in her sleep in the 3 days it took to go there? Also they believe Shining is dead, even tho everyone in that country knew he had alicorn blood. Lets also point out that Twilight is now a wanted mare, and there was someone told to give her information about her kingdom and family and they didn't, showing they are a traitor, and probably plans on hurting Twilight, and Celestia just brushes it off like dust. Lets also not forget that these are Alicorns here, almighty destroyer of worlds gods in mortal forms... And they couldn't defend themselves at all, couldn't fly away from a bunch of unicorns... or teleport... There is also the Twilight being the best mage in the entire kingdom... and couldn't make her wings disappear for more than an hour.... Doesn't really speak well for the other 96% of the population of the nation that are all inferior unicorns... And someone they STILL kicked the shit out of the royal family, including Shining Armor who has the best defense spells in the world...

Yeah, just stuff doesn't add up at all. If it's a simple Twilight was always an alicorn and doesn't trust her friends and ends with them finding out and everything is ok, why do you need the crappy half assed back story about a war that doesn't make sense?

[Ninjayorkshire]

1724080 the spell things can be ignored don't know how the author make the magics mechanics
and the Shining armor incident 100 against 1 don't matter how strong you are
and saying they are coming doesn't mean there will be a direct attack

Liking this story, it has a original plot , please continue it
and how you are going to insert Spike?

[Roaming]

1724080 It might be a bit confusing right now, but I promise I'll explain everything. Though the reason as to why it's dying I thought was already explained... ""...but the mines are empty. Without Earth Ponies in our kingdom, the ground won't produce food, so we have to continue relying on other kingdoms-and that takes money. And the royal family is the only family which has wings, but more and more of our cousins are being born like you-without wings..."" And there are various reasons for the citizens to revolt, just as there is with any dying kingdom. Twilight is still young even by pony standards-she's still learning and developing her magic, and she did get the spell spell for more than an hour-she has gotten it to at LEAST six now and is still practicing for twelve. Not all four of the guards with her were traitors; at the time they were still doing their guard work. It was when they got back to Gymkhana they decided to revolt as well. And we all know how royal business is-if one of the children of the king or queen lives, they can rightfully re-claim the throne. The 'revolutionaries' who are just furthering the destruction of their country wouldn't want that; they think they're right and Twi's family is wrong. As to how her family was overpowered and the guards thought Shining Armor was dead... well, that will be explained later. Don't want to give spoilers now do we? (Though about the Alicorn thing; while I do believe alicorns would be stronger than unicorns, I don't consider them gods-in-mortal-form. They're fallable. And besides, we know Cadance isn't even half as powerful as Celestia and Luna, so why should I expect Twilight's parents to be on Celestia and Luna's level? Celestia and Luna are like gods-in-mortal-form; alicorns, however, are not. I think it's already bad enough that I put Twilight herself close to their level-I won't be that way with the rest of her family.)

Though I think there were some things you just assumed, you did raise some legit questions and I thank you for that. I always love to receive critique and improve on my ideas/style. But I have this planned out, and no good author reveals everything at the beginning of the story.

1724543 Thank you and you'll see

[Gastredner]

It's somewhat sad. The premise in interesting (although Jirodyne already highlighted its biggest problem in its current state: 'they' are simply not a good reason for all that stuff to happen), but the execution is...well, I like being honest, I think in its current state it is botched. I am sorry if you feel offended by the choice of words.
You already mentioned that you are probably advancing too fast. Actually, scratch the 'probably'--your pacing is way too fast. You skip entire scenes that are important to the story (like Twilight meeting Celestia for the first time--this is stuff for a wonderful scene in which you could, e.g., describe Twilight's feelings and impressions meeting such important ponies for the first time, or the impression Canterlot Castle leaves her with) and some of your dialog is rushed, too (the whole scene with Shining Armor in chapter 2, for example). You introduce characters that might be (or become later on) important to the story, e.g. the guard Twilight grew up with, but never establish a real connection between them and the main characters. "So, there is a guard Twilight likes. Woah, huge thing", that's basically what I took from that scene. Also, due to the lack of character introduction, some of the ways they act in feel strange. Take, for example, the scene in which Twilight is told by her mother that she will be going to Canterlot. You do mention that she becomes all princess-like, but this alone is insufficient. You did not describe her background sufficiently to make us really understand this. Without you introducing the reader to changes in the characters you introduced in you AU, the reader only knows the canon characterizations from the show, and canon Twilight would probably flip out over being send away to some strange place without further notice. Yes, we are probably able to extrapolite that she was raised in a different way or experienced things that led to this changed behaviour (also, how old is Twilight? The paragraph about Cadance mentioned that Twilight and her whole family would be well over a thousand years old--if that is the case, I think Twilight's characterization is even more off because she doesn't really act like somepony that old. You would guess she would have seen Equestria before if she really was that old), but this is unsatisfying.
So, in short: Show, don't tell, and work on your dialogue. Go over the motivation of 'them' again (Jirodyne already highlighted the problems with that--why are there revolts, why do the rioters want to kill their royal family, why are their only unicorns in Gymkhana and why the hell did the royal family never think about growing their own food by handing out attractive offers to foreign earth ponies?) and, lastly, get a pre-reader (or atleast let spellcheck run over it--there are quite some mistakes that should have found, e.g. missing letters).
And, again, I'm sorry if someone feels offended by my choice of words, but sugar-coating criticism until it basically becomes a subordinate clause in a sky-high jubilating post declaring the author the new Shakespear, Goethe and Tolstoi in person tends to be a teeny tine bit ineffective.
Edit: I forgot to say that, please, do not feel discouraged by this post. As far as I know, this is your first fanfic and, if you would kindly think back at the time you learned how to drive a bycicle (or walk, but most people probably do not remember this), I think you will remember that you probably fell over a few times before you got the hang of it. I surely did, as did everyone else. Scratching your knees is a part of it, just like getting criticised is part of becoming an author.

[Gwenio]

1724823

The simple way to explain alicorns being weaker than some readers expect would before their power to be a function of natural ability and how old they are, thus Celestia and Luna are much stronger in part because they are the oldest.

---

EDIT:

For line breaks, us [ hr ] without the spaces. (there is no closing tag).

[Lelouch Vi Britania]

must have more of this amazing story!

[Heartless]

WHAAAT?!
An alicorn Twilight story that's not sad or dark?
And it's an original idea!
SHUT UP AND TAKE MY LIKES!

[Field_Marshal_Luna]

global3.memecdn.com/still-waiting_o_207253.jpg

[Shadow-Hunter]

This still alive???

[Hello 1234]

When will u add more

[TwilightXLuna]

love this story can not wait for more

[sexy nightmare moon]

we nneed morrerere