Desmond Miles
Age: 29
Occupation: Bartender
Known ancestors: Altair Ibn-La'Ahad
More possible ancestors: Ezio Auditore
Target's Importance: High
Additional notes: Send the best, He. Can. Not. Die.
Chapters (4)
SinisterBronyz
Joined 14th Oct, 2012 ·
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Just looking at the description, not every single 's' on the end of a word needs an apostrophe. Just saying.
1722788 Gah more work for my editor ;)
1722799 boom... fixed
interesting though a little short
1722814 i have just finished im gonna add more don't worry ;)
Eeeehhh...
wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I kind of enjoyed this, actually. Key word here is kind of, but...I don't wanna get into a big review or anything because certain people around the site are getting touchy with constructive criticism, so I'll just suggest that you fix the grammar. Most of the mistakes could have been fixed if you read through it like once or twice...or if you had an editor. That would be cool as well. I'll "like" this, because it wasn't bad
1722866 My editor is slow and im still a new writer but thanks for the CC and thanks I saw how many likes/dislikes and im getting a little sad :'( but my editor has worked on my other work: Luna's Diary if you wanna look that up but thanks again and hope you stay tuned.
Um, well. Ok then.
1722894 I was bored and im addicted to the assassins creed games! ;)
1722824 oh i didnt mean the story as a whole im ment the chapter its a fair bit shorter then those of most other stories i like on ths site
1722901 As evident by this fic.
1722916 Well the first was a prologue and i dint have much to say and the second i just wanted to get it out next one will be at lease 1 2 thousand words
1722923 ;)
1722933
1722936
and yes i will do this all night
1722894 holy crap i beat Redgidar here
1722966 just barley
1722966 *Holy crap, I beat Regidar here.
1722983 no real reson to reply to this... but i will !
Dunsparce here! Just a couple things concerning Dunsparce.
1. ...Well most of these are about the grammar. In no way is your spelling bad or illegible or whatever, in fact your spelling is good. Dunsparce's problem is the apostrophes, commas, and dialogue. Again, the dialogue isn't bad, I like their talking, however it seems to take up a lot of the story, something that may be unpleasing to some, including Dunsparce. I'd recommend adding a lot more things like "Vinyl exclaimed as she did whatever* or little brakes in between like *Desmond paused before answering to think about what he was going to say* or the like. The bolded parts are what make the story what Dunsparce likes to call "not-robotic", meaning that after every dialogue, it's not JUST "Vinyl said" or "She yelled". There's also not enough of that in general. Sometimes, Dunsparce loses track of who's talking.
2. Some places should have some punctuation and some shouldn't.
Yup, great. Now he hates us more. Good job, Vinyl. We are sleeping in different beds (no apostrophe) tonight!
That's just an example.
So, yeah. The main two problems Dunsparce has is grammar and dialogue. Try to make more of an atmosphere as well, for atmosphere REALLY sets the mood more than you think. Dunsparce believes if changes are made, this could be VERY promising! Tracking this story! Hoped this helped! Dunsparce is a new reviewer so he's trying his best
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTSa1C_5BggN9Vvnu8aLbxA25Gzlp2V0-9AL50QATrDz-VK2p8b
- Cannonbolt, The Third-Person Dunsparce Reviewer of Kind, Caring, Crazy Reviewers!
1723003 OK just a few things
Or are you being controlled by "Dunsparce"?
1: Thank's
2: No, Seriously thanks
3: Are you related to Trixi?
4: OK My editor is lazy I have to bug him to get him to get the job done but he get's it done well.
5: Amazing Review, You could be professional you make me sound bad XD!
1723047 Hey, thanks, man! Dunsparce has been my character since I was but a wee lad. I've always stuck with him and he's been my favorite Pokemon ever for a while now. Thanks for the complement! Have a mustache!
1723057 Hmm... I'll take my editor out of his cage and talk to him about it...
1723064 Yes that's where I knew Dunsparce... it was bugging me and I will take your mustache and raise you a cupcake
and if you haven't read that hate fiction don't... ever.
1723076 How's that?
1723076 I would care... but i dont.
1722890 6 like - 3 dislikes isn't bad for one of your first few fics
Most people start with 3 likes - 20 dislikes 
1723100 ya my first started with 6 likes 8 dislikes but now its like 8 dislikes and 21 likes
1723111 nice and if you all read this, THIS IS BLOWING UP... thanks
1723129 XD ya...
1723107 hmph. Dunsparce's first fic had a 6-2, but it was a crossover of Earthbound, so it wasn't expected seeing as how Earthbound has a big fanbase
1723150 I understand hate and I understand love :P I have experienced both
1723160 Aww 6 / 4 Edit: nvm 7/4
As others have said, there are quite a few grammar and punctuation errors here. I know you keep saying "my editor will get to this," but perhaps you should focus more on learning the rules of English yourself instead of relying on someone else to do it for you. An editor's job is to polish a story and make it shine, not take something unreadable and make it readable.
There's also a distinct lack of any sort of description. As far as that goes -- and I apologize if this sounds condescending -- try reading a few books. Seriously. Go pick up a published novel and see how the author writes scenes. It's not just a list of lines of dialogue. Settings are described. Characters are described. Emotions and actions are described. What's going on in a scene should be evident without the characters even speaking.
So there's my advice. Feel free to unpublish this story, fix it up, and repost it. You'll save yourself from being buried in downvotes. Even if you do keep it up, you might want to fix up the errors in the title and description.
1723198 Is it really unreadable?
And I read... Alot it may be harder for me then for you to write but I didn't know it was this bad. I am not getting to many down votes and I will not unpublish and I am "Learning the rules of English" I know it quite well but I am not good at punctuation. I can spell but I find it hard to find were it should be and were it isn't. 
Let's see. A short prologue, I don't mind at all. Few things that you did wrong though.
1. About three quarters of the words are text. Have some more description. I had that problem when I first wrote on the site. Try to correct it. I got chewed out badly for it and don't want to see you do that. But this is better when compared to my first fic ever.
2. Your grammar is decent but not totally great. But then grammar does get rough with no editing. I suggest you get an editor. They help. If you can't, then scan it.
Put a full stop after it. That's what I see after text that doesn't have an exclamation mark or a question mark. Believe me, the threat of Grammar Nazis are very real.
-Blaze Spectrum, Kind Kid of Kind, Caring, Crazy Reviewers!
i.imgur.com/rM1T1.png
1723260 Ha well already being chewed ATM and thank's i'm not good at writing the surroundings... I could care less about the background (I know it sounds bad) I just love the story. But thanks for the help and stuff but I will try my best to get better.. And that goes to all of the people commenting
1723269 Ya ya I'm bad at it don't worry i'm getting better and until then my editor will take care of it soon.
1723242
I just want to say that I don't want you to think I'm attacking you. I'm simply offering advice on how to improve you work.
There are enough technical errors that they become distracting and interfere with a reader's ability to enjoy the story. I understand what you're trying to say, but because there are so many errors, I end up focusing on those instead of the story itself. I don't feel immersed in the plot because I'm focusing too much on the punctuation and grammar problems. Does that make sense?
Alrighty. That's your choice to make.
I'm sorry, but there are far more than punctuation errors in this piece. Lack of description, tense inconsistency, perspective inconsistency, improper capitalization, homophone confusion, run-on sentences, and general typos are all present and noticeable on a quick skim -- and that's not counting the punctuation errors: improper comma usage, lack of periods, improper apostrophe usage, and improper hyphen usage were the most prevalent. Your ellipses are formatted correctly, though, so points for that.
If English isn't your first language, I must saying you're not doing a bad job. It's a tough language to learn, and the fact that you've written something coherent deserves praise. While you're still learning the intricacies of punctuation, though, perhaps you should wait until a chapter has been gone over by your editor at the very least before posting it.
But that's just, like, my opinion, man.
1723322 English is my first language as I live in the USA. And ATM this isn't a good story if you are looking for a good and edited piece ATM I accept that you don't like it because of these problems and I understand if they bug you. You may not like that it isn't edited and nor do allot of people but it will all be fixed in due time. I will do what I did for Luna's Diary and that is have a doc open to the public to view and comment if my editor missed a grammatical error. In due time... In due time.
1723405
I took a look at the document, actually. You need to set the privacy settings to "anyone with the link can comment," since at the moment they can't.
1723427 Editor did that he dosent like that other's can bug him about his work I just fixed.
its good so far keep up the good work
1724391 Thanks I enjoy CC but its great just to see a complement!
umm.... Well that was, quick. If you can try to be a bit more descriptive and add some paragraphs
1728093 Ya im getting allot of that and i will soon (ish) be rewriting the chapter
1723260
Yay, promotion for you! You are now a regular reviewer instead of an initiate.
1754407
Sorry