Returning to Ponyville was hard on Octavia, she needed to talk to her long lost friend. Vinyl. She can't wait, but at the same time she is afraid. Afraid of being hated.
Chapters (2)
SinisterBronyz
Joined 14th Oct, 2012 ·
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Yay all done (Finally) Now time to wait 2-5 hours :| Meh whatever ^.^
You need to work on your sentencing.
1804806 so we meet again...
I will
For once, I'm going to have agree with Regidar on something (and Regidar, it KILLS me to admit that!); you've got some kind of weird syntax going on. You seem to switch tenses often, such as in this sentence:
It sounds weird, because you went from present to past tense in one sentence. It should either read "there were tons of ponies listening and dancing to the colt who was playing right then" or "there are tons of ponies listening and dancing to the colt who is playing right now." This is a problem I noticed all through the chapter; your tense seemed very inconsistent.
Your use of commas is also kind of odd; there should be one here:
But not here:
Also, the inserted playlist in the middle of the chapter kind of put me off. It broke up the story in a weird way and seemed out of place. I would put it as an author's note at the bottom if you simply want to list it, or find a more creative way to work the song tracks into the prose of the story.
I think if you cleaned this up a little, it could be really good. Right now, it's just kind of mediocre.
And the cover image is ADORABLE.
1804917 Ok well I put the music there because it was what Vinyl was playing. As well as my editor one being in the US and one in Germany so they kinda cross each other but they are both great people... Normally And the cover image I found was just SOO cute I needed to add it.
1804930
Is English not your native language? Because that would explain a lot of the odd wording and sentence structure. It's pretty hard to translate things to English.
To me, the playlist being tossed into the middle like that was like a commercial when I'm watching TV -- It annoys me and I just want the show back, you know? It disrupted the flow of the story a lot.
1804939 Ahh it happened again...
Well no I live in the US but my main editor (The US guy) Rarely wants to edit so I have a 2nd editor to help me out im going to change the chapter name to 50% edited to let everyone know its not done yet.
1804952
It definitely needs more editing. You need to decide if you want it to take place in the past tense or present tense before it can really be completely edited, though. That will make your editor's job much easier, knowing which tense it's supposed to be in.
Good job, excited for the next chapter.
1804983 Great.... Im excited... to see you there?
1804968 I believe I fixed it.. I forgot that you need to manually input the italics...
1804968 Oh and thanks for pointing out some stuff I missed, I pre-read this version but I missed some. Oh and we are doing it in past tense
I need more. And I need to soon. Upvote.
1806156 Mehehehe I have you now... But anyways ill start soonish. I will start at some point but I do have school.... Gah school.. I feel sick
Most awesome Fanfiction ever made!
1814812 Don't you know it!
Not bad. I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
1822242 YAY oh and umm one thing... gah what was that.... oh ya UPDATE NOW!!! xD well thanks im.. slowly writing it underline slowly Slowly ahh there we go!
I almost skipped over this because it says "50% edited." Unless you put the name like that just as a joke, in which case you're lucky I have trouble finding Octavia/Scratch fics, or else I would have skipped it. Under the pretense that it isn't a joke however, If you uploaded it, say its ready and keep going. If it isn't ready you shouldn't have uploaded it. How am I supposed to be happy with a story if the author isn't even sure. Barring that however I say that you just keep writing and throw caution to the wind. I really enjoyed the Pirates of the Caribbean reference. Keep writing and be confident.
Sincerely;
The Fictional Critic.
1860630 Let me explain in more detail, I have 3 editors (Cause i'm awesome
)One of them lives in Germany so English is a second language to him. He edits first finding everything he could and fixing it. Then I have one of my friends fireballninja do a 2nd run-over to make sure, and finally I have Learned1 who will do the final touches and is my best editor. However, he is a lazy sack of S**T and he doesn't edit much. So I antagonize him until he does. I believed that the version of this is good enough for the public but Learned has yet to do the final view, so its not 100%. Also I love making obscure references, there are 5 in here ;)
Thanks for the review,
SinisterBronyz
A lovely story and i cant wait for the next chapter
1913762 I cant wait ether.... Just a- hold on one moment... (Runs away screaming i'm sorry i'm not done yet!)
1823099 I do believe I fulfilled my side of this deal
Reading this again, I have to point out there are a few errors-namely, the thoughts of the characters. you may want italicize Octavia's thoughts.
But what I really want to say that this is a great improvement from the writing style of your other stories! The details and imagery are making a HUGE difference, and the story is unfolding spectacularly! Keep up the good work!
2109929 Damn I thought I got all of them... well I will recheck.
2111721 don't worry, the errors aren't too bad.
1804939 No, english is his native language, and he speaks it rather well, but his writing somehow needs more editing than My Immortal. I can say this without causing offense to him because I'm one of the people who edits for him out of courtesy, on my own time.
1862843 I'm not lazy! I have fics to write too!
2201674 Aye, you are. Your "Fics to write" include one which every so once and a while you open, I wouldn't call you lazy if you set a date for editing instead of just saying "I'll get to it."
2201665 *Grumbles and walks away.*
2111904 ALL ERRORS MUST DIE, EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE!
2201799 Well, okay, maybe I just resented the "Lazy sack of Sh*t" comment. I do write the fic, though. I've been, err, studying the tactics of the era it's based on by... erm... playing Rome: Total War. Yeah! That's it! Great excuse, learned1!
(UNRELATED PART)
Also, Medieval II : Total War: Kingdoms is better.
Who else can't wait for Total Rome: War II?
(END UNRELATED PART)
The feeling is mutual, bitch.
2111721 And by "I thought I got all of the errors", you mean "I thought my editors got all of the errors."
Finally, chapter two.
A new chapter?i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/6787634944/h6FB94995/ worth the wait!
2288672 Took long enough :P
2290294 that it did.... But hey, at least it's here now, and that's what's matters.
Although I do hope the next chapter doesn't take so long to arrive next time.
2290386 Well now i'm multitasking, again, but only one instead of 3... and one is a collaboration...
Aww... it was bound to happen, the first dislike...
2317957 And you immediatly accused me. Me, of all people on this hellhole we call planet earth. ME! How dare you? I, your completely faithless and despicable editor, am immediatly blamed. And no, I did not dislike it.
2320583 Well you have done it before.
2328583 Done what, exactly?
2328635 Disliked my sh!t before.
2355811 That's not true; I've only ever disliked Luna's Diary, and you disliked that yourself.
Your story is a fun read, the concept and pacing seem to be working very well together. I look forward to reading more from this. I also find your relationship to your editor highly amusing and look forward to reading more of the banter in the comments section.
2410491 Thank you, getting comments like this make my day and considering how much time I sit trying to think of a way of writing this entire story diffidently its nice to see that people enjoy the story as it is. I hope you enjoy the next part, it is coming out... ehmmm... sometime. (Or at least that's what my editor
(Help me my editor is keeping me hostage!!!)says.)