After Discord had been defeated, everything returned to normal. Except for one building. One building at the edge of Ponyville that has remained lifeless. Celestia left it alone, thinking it will be fixed eventually. But after the changelings tried to invade, she sends Twilight and Spike to investigate. They find a mirror that leads to another world. Another world where every mare is a colt. Another world with something strange is beginning to arise...... Edited by Camlio.
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Next chapter will be longer. At least, I'll try
It's a big wall of text, I had to stop reading the story as soon as I started.
You might want to space out your paragraphs and when a character speaks.
1582617 I thought I did
well i like the originality so far, but it was hard to read because of the wall of text. Allow me to shed some light.
When you bunch it together it can hard to follow the flow of the story and it can be hard for the reader to pick up details and suck so what i would do is space it like this.
"Oh yeah? Just wait until you see what I have planned for the bachelor party".
Spike giggled as his pony friends laughed with him. His friends included Pinkie Pie, a party-crazy earth pony, Rainbow Dash, who was the fastest pegasus from Cloudsdale, AppleJack, a hard working farmer, Rarity, who had a knack for style, Fluttershy, a shy pegasus with a love for animals, and his best friend Twilight Sparkle, a bookish pony who was the personal student of Princess Celestia. Princess Celestia was the ruler of their world, Equestria. Fireworks lit up the night sky. DJ Pon-3 was still playing 'Love is in Bloom' while the ponies danced.
Twilight watched her brother, Shining Armor, ride away after he was married. It was the happiest moment in Twilight's life. Her dearest brother was married to her old foal-sitter. A now Princess Mi Amore Cadenza. Before the wedding, Twilight had to deal with an army of changelings that were going to take over Equestria. The queen of the changelings, Queen Chrysalis, had taken over the wife. But she used her magic love to literally blow them away. Twilight watched as they rode off into the night.
It makes it easier to read when you split it up like that.
1582899 Okay, let me edit it. Hold on
1582911 OKey Doki Loki!
Okay mate, I'm going to nit pick this fiercely. First off, the pacing is horrible. Second don't say it's been edited by someone unless they have actually edited it. Because I hadn't even read this till now. So I couldn't have edited. And for the love of all that's holy fix the bloody wall of text.
When someone new is talking you need a space like the one above. Hit enter TWICE.
Hmm... I have taken a quick look. Yes, you could use some different formatting. A line between each paragraph is ideal.
EDIT: I see this story has been posted at 6:10 am. There is 2 likes and 1 dislike right now, which is 11:05 am. Also it's already left the main page.
Just something to register.
I must say, it's great to see one of your stories that doesn't have a ton of dislikes. But, there are some things I wanna point out.
Let's get started, shall we?
1. You might want to use the advice that 1582899 gave you with spacing your paragraphs. It's hard on the readers eyes when you don't put any spaces.
2. Ehh, I'm a little iffy about this paragraph in general. Your writing this as if you're introducing the mane characters to a new person. Remember, pretty much everypony on this site knows who they are. You should only explain who the characters are if you are introducing a new character. Not a bad start, I'm just on the fence about it.
3. THANK you for establishing where this happens in the timeline. I like that a lot.
1. You don't have to explain what happened with Discord. It interrupts the overall pace of the story because we already know what happened. Twilight was there! If you were explaining to a new person, it'd be fine. Just keep this in mind, okay?
2. I...was confused by your wording. If this was a threat to Equestria, wouldn't she give Twilight more details?
1. Um, I don't like this scene. I don't think that Celestia would willingly put her student in danger if she could check it out. When Nightmare Moon returned, she captured Celestia. And she wasn't connected to the Elements when Discord was free. That's why I could understand why she needed Twilight and Co. to take care of it. But here, she seems rather indifferent to Twilight's safety. That seems rather OOC of her. You might want to check that.
1. It's "Twilight", not "Tilight". Might wanna fix that.
2. Because nothing really happens in this scene, and you mentioned that they were sucked into the portal before, this part isn't needed. You can take this part out with no problems.
Final grade: B-
Final advice: Expansion and details.
You need to work on adding more detail where needed, and cutting back on it at other points. Don't explain what's happened in the show because we already know. Put some more details, like conversations between our mane characters and some more descriptions about what's around them. Also, make sure that every character is in character. They need to act like how we've seen and expect them to be.
Other then that, I like it. You get a like and a fave from me, and I'll be waiting for more.
Howling at you from here to the netherworld,
twow443, TWE's Psychotic Demon Wolf
Since I prefer reading something once it's completed and cleaned up, I have not read anything beyond the description. I only have one question, though. Is this at all related to Conner Cogwork's On a Cross and Arrow? (alternate telling, inspired by, etc.)
The reason I ask, aside from the main plot, is because a mirror such as you described makes an appearance toward the end of Conner's work as well. It makes me wonder what other similarities the two stories will share.
Guys, I'm editing it now
1583556
Well, I believe I can field that question and the answer is... Not many. Mirrors are just a great portal placement due to the fact that you can explain away that it's just a trick mirror instead of a portal.
On a few other notes, I do feel the pacing is a bit rushed but, I'm not the one typing this out. Can't really change that. But, the main meat of the story is rather different from the norm for a R63 Universe visit. So don't instantly think it's going to stick to the norms.
While I'm somewhat on the fence on a few things I can assure you I'm working with MitM to smooth this out. So if there's updates to an old chapter it's because I just finished dragging a fine tooth Comb through it.
1583958
Ah, thank you for the response. While I am still curious what the inspiration behind the story is, such knowledge really is of little to no importance from the reader's standpoint. Therefore, I shall leave it at that.
In my approach to fanfiction, the only predisposition going into a piece is set either by its synopsis or, if in a series, by what has been established in prior installments. So no worries there.
As far as pacing and other issues, that's part of why I always wait until the story's completion to read it. Allowing all the kinks and bugs to be worked out beforehand always makes for a much more enjoyable experience for me.
1584122
While this is very true, I enjoy to watch the story develop. It makes it that much easier to feel more "In the moment" As they say. Allowing yourself to watch the character's learn and grow.
On the point of inspiration, there isn't really much on my end. I just signed on to help MitM with this. But, I have thrown a lot of my creative talent's at it.
Just finished editing the first chapter also. I encourage everyone to give it a re-read when it's up.
Waiting to see when the edited version is going to hit the page. Currently I'm not impressed by this effort. The idea is solid, at least the mirror universe idea where they're all colts and I'm interested in seeing where the author goes with this but I'm running into some problems.
The obvious wall of text is a big one. The paragraphs should be separated and sometimes there's an indent and sometimes there isn't. You need to be consistent with your spacing and structure.
The flow of the story is a little fast. You seem to rush over a lot of points in an attempt to get to where you're going. Only 1000 words and they're suddenly in a mirror universe. You really need to work on your pacing. Also you need to work on your sentences, they're too short or they run on at length. Try explaining a little more or combining the short sentences if possible and cutting down the really long ones.
Some of the descriptions are off. We all know who the mane 6 are and what their personalities are. It's not necessary to list them all and what their defining characteristic(s) might be. If somebody needs a refresher on this, they should watch the TV show or at least glance at a wiki.
The dialogue is coming across as a little forced. I would look into redoing it.
As I said, I would really like to see this once it's been re-edited and hopefully some of these issues have been resolved.
:)
sorry i cant see any more 
s
1584474 Wow, thanks!
1584480 Did my review help? Did it? DID IT?
Just wondering.
1584499 A little
1584515 Hmmm, You might need me to review it again.....
Nice. Can't wait for next chapter!
1584947 Thanks!
Mare in the moon this is a great idea you have going and after looking at all the comments people made to help you I can't really offer you anything else
your story got 4/10 Rarities
-sighs-
I always loved stuff like this...
BEAUTIFUL I SAY
1585037 Gee thanks!
Add paragraph breaks for dialogue and it's spelled apologize.
Other than that...
i.imgur.com/flRWu.gif
FINALLY!!!
A story about The Mane Six discovering their male counterparts!
Favorite!
1585184 Thanks bro
1585189 Can't wait!
I expect insanity when Pinkie meets Bubble Berry!
1585199 After they meet, the fourth wall will be only a myth
1585203 It'll be a lot like this:
1585242
1585246 Anyways, hey man! Have you seen my Pony Personality Test Results?
1585268 Yep! How did you do it? I've been trying to post mine
1585272 25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8h0nqmpgm1qckd7ko1_400.gif
JK.
Actually, you view your picture result using "View Image".
Then you copy the URL.
Once the URL is copied, go to your user page and press "Edit User Page".
Then, press where it says "Custom Box".
Try to find a small, thin blank rectangle on your page while our still in edit mode.
Then, press edit on the box.
In the comment box that will appear, type "img" with the brackets first. No quotation marks.
Then, paste the URL.
Type "/img", also with brackets, at the end. No spaces.
There, I hope that helps!
1585360 I'll try
1585360 Wait what do I type in the comments?
[ img ]
And
[ /img ] at the end.
Take ALL spaces out.
1585422 So I type in [img][/img] in the comments?
1585430 and you put the URL in between. No spaces.
1585447 I'll try
Damnit! It didn't work!
1585462 Sorry man. What pony DID you get?
1585525 Actually, sorry, I did something wrong and it worked now. I can't see it 'cause the computer I'm on sucks
1585535 Could've used a Mac.
1585558 This is an Apple
1585562 Did I say Mac? I meant PC.
1585598 I'll check out my laptop tomorrow. Do you want to know who I got?
1585636
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2010/338/0/7/p_team__rainbow_dash_by_shelltoontv-d3486em.png
Only the best of the mane six!
I will monitor this for interest