A week after her coronation, Princess Twilight is killing time in between her lessons at the castle with Princess Celestia by experimenting with high-level magic spells. After a failed experiment, Twilight seems...different. But that's the least of everypony's problems. What started as a miscast spell snowballs into a series of events that threatens to plunge all creation into everlasting madness. Well, it has been an entire week. I suppose Equestria's due for another disaster.
Page generated in 0.229 seconds
Total duration
968 users online
1,666,615 hits today, 2,561,572 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I look forward to more of this! Great job.
2428517 thanks! hopefully the next chapter will be up this weekend!
Good start- I'm interested to see your vision with this- this has some pretty good potential to be either a comedy or a serious piece depending how you want to take it
2428622 a little of column A, a little of column B
Huh. This... Shows promise.
I'll follow and see what goes down.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Hah. I like this!!
Tis very amusing. My only pet peeve is the indentation for the paragraphs... but other than that... brilliant.
Keep up your enthusiasm, and ah'm sure you'll be featured. :3
potential.
Hmmmm... okay, I'll bite. Let's see how far this rabbit hole takes us
2493856 oh, we're not just going down the rabbit hole. we're going down the rabbit hole, through the talking flower bed, past the mad tea party, and all the way to Queen of Hearts' castle!
2493818 indenting paragraphs is a sort of a habit with me. i'm afraid you're just going to have to adjust, sorry.
Parallel universes?
2493951
I appreciate the lack of indentation. Thank you.
But why is everypony so spiteful and mean? At barebones, this chapter is decent. But where's the creativity?
Why is everything so blargle?
2538062 so is that a good
or a bad 
?
2538083 what do you mean?
Hm.
~Skeeter The Lurker
-- My Lazy Retype --
Twilight Sparkle loudly snorted, as she mulled over Celestia's sudden panic. "The Elements of Harmony, really?" Her shoulders slumped into her now lavender bed. It didn't help that she distinctly remembered it being blue, but abandoned all hope lest she wind up as paranoid as everypony. "Even my friends," she frowned slowly. She knocked over a towering stack of notecards.
"...checklist on properly procuring a proficient checklist." Twilight just shook her head.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For some reason your characters feel wooden. Like really blank cut-outs that seem fake.
You'd think Celestia would have more tack and poise in convincing Twilight. Also, you skipped a tremendous chunk! That's the stuff readers like to read... in stories... in this... genre.
Interested to see where this is going. My only critique would be that since the two are so similar, it's more difficult to keep track of which is which. Hopefully, as we find out more about their differences, it'll solve itself.
You're trying so hard to distinguish the two Twilights... that the story becomes really fake.
Your previous two chapters were wonderful. Such a small Twilight change, and we get to see the effects.
But now. You just jumped the polka-dot colored pony. Why add more plot twists, when what you had wasn't even properly explored?
2538200 give me an example somewhere in the story and tell me how you'd improve it.
"Unbeknownst to the young alicorn, Tenderheart had gone to Doctor Edlemane first and told him that it may be a good idea to have Twilight moved to the Canterlot Sanitarium. After hearing her story, the doctor agreed, but said that they should at least let her see her friends before they shipped her out."
No. Just no. This is the obvious attempt to rush and force out a plotpoint. Everything after it (in my biased opinion) should be revamped.
Nopony is defending Twilight. Nopony seems to care about Twilight. And everypony is jumping to crazy conclusions cause a sleep deprived mare can't remember pictures, notecards, and proper names.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Doctor Edelmane said my CAT scan showed my brain waves were normal, correct?” she inquired of the orange unicorn in question, who nodded slowly, “That obviously means there’s nothing wrong with me......"
No, And no. That logic is weak for even Twilight. CAT scans don't work like that.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anywhoo. you're showing a climax. Why are you utilizing a climax at all, at this point of the story!? You skipped all the build up... hence making this chapter feel fake. Like super duper uper fake. Then your proud author's note is attached at the end...
It makes me sad.
2538246 first of all, i humbly admit that i shouldn't have included the bit about he CAT scan in retrospect, given my lack of medical knowledge. if you have a better suggestion, please advise and i'll change it immediately. or maybe i'll just skip that part and have Twilight leave the hospital and gather the others herself. whichever you prefer.
secondly, i can't agree on the point of no one being concerned about Twilight when it's stated multiple times that they are. they just don't believe her. how willing would you be to believe someone, even someone close to you, if they suddenly started talking about things that never happened and insisted that they were real.
okay, the first little bit with Pinkie was a bit OOC, i'll do something with that.
and third, and most, importantly: climax? what made you think this was the climax? this whole chapter was meant to be buildup to set up the few chapters. this is nowhere NEAR the end. i don't even know who long this thing will be.
2538306
How I feel. Using a hastily made-up plot.
Chapter 1: Pinkie eats pancakes.
Chapter 2: Pinkie drinks orange juice.
Chapter 3: Pinkie transforms into a Griffon and must now save the Griffon Empire with Daring Do.
And why does chapter 3 exist? Because we wrote two short paragraphs that said so. No. No. No.
You can't do that. No.
Maybe that was your intention. But you're three chapters in. Good writing makes the unbelievable.... believable.
I'm only sad, cause your earlier chapters were actually good.
Bang.
There goes the fiber of flow in this story. You stressed it too hard. The rising action was completely overlooked. Allofasudden-CLIMAX! Woah, bro, give some detail first.
2538364 okay, that gives me very little to go on. maybe you want to be more specific?
2538364
Eeyup.
The only reason ah'm giving so much feedback, is cause your fixed that indention thingy.
You're not as arrogant as ah thought. So ah posted stuff.
2538398 okay, i get it. you two aren't satisfied. no need to rub it in. here's an idea: give me some fucking suggestions. i'm sorry if i'm sounding like a jerk right now, but your criticisms haven't been very helpful. you made complaints, but offered no suggestions for improvements.
understand. i WANT to re-write this. i WANT to change so that you and other readers can enjoy it more. but you have to meet me halfway here! give me some ideas! i don't care what they are, just throw a guy a bone.
2538422
I just did. Attempt to write the stuff that happened earlier.
Have Celestia talk to Twilight while walking to the doctor. Have Twilight actually meet her friends. And do not make Celestia and her friends, suddenly want to throw Twilight into a Insane Asylum.
It's the bucking first day!!
Umm.... thank you.... please....
2538442 well, technically all did was point out flaws in the story, but i see your point. sorry about that. i'll see what i can do. give me a few hours.
2538422
Seriously though. After looking at my Chapter example thingy. You didn't understand?
Um. Sorry if ah sounded a tad rude then. Ah just assumed you were just being hardheaded.
My best advice:
-Show us what happens. Don't just tell us.
-Anything can happen in fanfiction. But the best writers can make it believable as well.
2538472
Take your time. No rush needed. Pssh.
Ah'd help you, but ah'm helping another author at the moment.
2538373 Mabye I should specify. I understand that Twilight is smart, as does everyone else on this website, but she figured out the answer too quickly. (Unless this is one of those, "you have to go around the multiversal loop to find whom you seek" things.)
You need to play it out, hold the suspense, mabye have the character pick up the answer through little bits-n-peices. You gotta add spice to the ramen.
2538422 It's not so much dissatasfaction so much as wanting to help. The first two chapters were pretty good, and it gave this story potential.
After reading this, overall it's not a bad story. It's certainly an interesting concept; but I think you've rushed it and put the big reveal out there so soon. I think it would have been better if here were some more to explain as some more twists. Maybe even save Alternate Twilight for towards the ending for one huge twist.
Another complaint I have is that Princess Celestia seems a bit out of character in this chapter. I don't think she would just out right not believe Twilight's explanation ESPECIALLY after Pinkie gives a more detailed version of it.
Criticism aside, a pretty decent-if rushed-story.
In a rush, the best of us accidentally words.
*skip words.
Other than that, I am quite enjoying these shenanigans going on within the story.
I'm afraid I have to disagree with honey's problem regarding indentations. Most English teachers require the first sentence of every paragraph to be indented. On this site, however, it's all a matter of author's preference. All that's really "required" is consistency.
...
In an unrelated note, Fluttershy used Faint Attack on enemy Spike. It's super effective!
It's cool to see you're still writing. Good job with the chapter!
*2540724
*dramatic point*
You are now mah eternal rival!! Huzzah what fun!
2544331 what did you think of the update? any more suggestions?
It's better.
---
If you don't want anymore criticism, please stop reading here. Thankies.
*ahem* Other than some minor sentence errors (e.g. missing words, strange tenses), it feels like you've used duct tape to fix a broken vase. Why? Cause even though the vase (*cough* metaphor *cough*) is functional, it's still not very pretty to look at. The chapter feels a bit generic with a sudden plot twist at the end.
The solution (in my very biased opinion) is to now focus more on Twilight. I would save that "plot twist ending" for Chapter 6 or 7, while making this chapter (and story) more Twilight-centric. It's a lot to do. That's why I'm shocked that you only spent a couple hours.
I would have revamped the entire first half (at the very least). If Twilight's so angry, why doesn't she waltz out of the castle and explore Canterlot? Why can't you make Twilight go exercise and maybe laze around? You've already shown how "smirky" Twilight is to Celestia's commands. It's better to show how different Twilight is, by having her do other harmless things that seem out of place.
And honestly, that first paragraph sort of sucks. I'd delete and replace it with Twilight doing something, preferably putting lots of verbs.
2544588 while i do understand these complaints, i think i'm going to leave it how it is, at least for now. i may go back and fix things up a little more after i'm done with the story.
about showing how different the two Twilights are, not to worry! i intend to address that in the next chapter.
now let's talk about this "plot twist." what twist? it's only a twist if you don't see it coming. i put "alternate universe" as one of the tags. i flat out said that this was a story about parallel worlds in the comment section. the first two chapters make it pretty clear that we're dealing with parallel worlds. ok, in retrospect, i may have re-word my summary, but it doesn't really give you any information on what this story was intended to be about, i'll fix eventually.
but anyway, i wasn't trying to set up the verification that there are two universes in this story as the climax. we are nowhere CLOSE to the climax. anyway, thanks for your help and i hope you'll enjoy the next chapter more!
2544683
temporarily on hiatus. see my blog for more details
The Snarkle has been doubled!
So is this next twilight the one who got switched in the first place, or did we just snatch a third one out from the multiverse?
2790183 no, there's only the two. the Twilight from the alternate universe got switched with mainstream Twilight, but both Twilights are in the alternate universe. i'll explain it all in the next chapter.
Please update this I want to see how this goes