• Member Since 24th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen January 14th

Allonsbro


E

This is a story about Colton Vines and Daisy as well as some of the other background characters.

Disclaimers:
I do not own MLP or any of these characters. They are the property of Hasbro.
Please rate, comment, and criticize constructively and be specific. This is not only my first fanfic, but my first ever work of literature that isn't a poem, so please be honest as a member of the Apple family.
I tend not to use characters from the show, so most of the characters I use, I can't tag. (Kinda lame right?) anyway, I'll add a couple more once I write them in.
Got the picture from ponibooru. The title says the artist is John Joseco.

Chapters (10)
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Comments ( 15 )

Hmmm.... :trixieshiftright: I like how you use OC ponies in your stories. And I love drunk Berry Juice so I shall track your story! But, I do have one little suugestion. Don't use caps when they are shouting. It makes the story look sloppy. Like:

“HEY SEYVAL! WAKE UP!” shouted Colton Vines as he banged on his younger brother’s door.

“Hey Seyval! Wake up!” shouted Colton Vines as he banged on his younger brother’s door.

See? Look how much neater that looks :ajsmug:

This is brilliant, even if only for the character you've given Ruby, she's freakin' adorable and believable. I hope that I don't discourage you by saying the romance at the center of this piece is being outdone by the way you are writing one character.

This story feels...aimless. It wanders from point-to-point, never really settling down long enough to truly draw in the reader and make them care about a situation. Characters are introduced by the truckload, but so far only three have really gotten any characterization at all.

These three are Colten, Daisy, and Ruby.

Heck, to go with the aimlessness of this story, this chapter is a rushed attempt to force out a backstory that really should have been elaborated upon in far greater detail and done earlier in the story.

It's cute and charming, but aimless and rushed at the same time. My suggestion is that you slow down and focus a little more.

In closing,

No, I won't be tracking this, but I may just check up on it further down the road.

I've enjoyed it. I agree with some points in the post above me, but not every fanfiction has to be a supreme work of art. This is a cute little story between two background characters. That being said, the relationship seems rushed, we really haven't seen enough of it/enough background to fully appreciate the fact he wants to marry her. I'm tracking this to see where you go with it. Best of luck.

I enjoyed this chapter.

I see the line (I think). Very clever. Also, I really like this story, particularly the fact that it deals mostly with the background charcters. Great job!

That was cute :)

Hey good job bro! :pinkiehappy: like your work, well crafted and beautifully layer out. :twilightsmile:

2836274
Try my other stories. This one was crap and I've improved a lot.

2847771 I don't think it's crap and I have tried your other stories... AMAZING! Especially love My Limmitless Lily. :twistnerd:

Very sweet, the dinner scene felt a bit rushed over but the story was adorable.

*Grins and applauds* Well done!

Doctor, Doctor, Doctor. LOL. :rainbowlaugh:

the first date didn’t go very well because he thought she was somepony else with the same name.

I read this line twice thinking, Doctor Who.
Before I even noticed this sentence.

She had said if she ever saw his hourglass-marked flank again, she’d kick it until it was bluer than the old phone box she noticed outside the restaurant.

The story you made inside this story, the Princess and the Gentlecolt sounded like Rarity's bible or something.
Scary
Good story by the way.

A very good story my friend :pinkiehappy:

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