• Member Since 24th Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen August 6th

Allonsbro


E

Saw the bit with these two in the episode and I almost broke my face from sqeeing. I've always shipped Snails and Twist, but I think this pair is pretty cute too. Feel free to rate, comment, the usual jazz.

I submitted this to Equestria Daily, but it didn't get accepted and I could use some help making it better. Here are some things they suggested that I could use help fixing. Please comment.

1. From their reply: "Chowder himself comes across as earnest in his desire to tell Twist about his crush, but other than that we learn almost nothing about him. You have a marvelous opportunity in front of you to be one of the first authors to develop a personality for this character. In leaving him relatively blank you leave the reader wondering why they are interested in following along with him on his journey to write the card. Why not explore farther why he has a crush on Twist? Why not let us know a little more about his background? How does having an uncle who works in a fancy restaurant affect him? You mentioned his love of/ability to identify cheeses...why not expand on that and make Chowder a more sympathetic character?"
2. Twist's lisp being overdone
3. Horte Cuisine's accent needing some tightening

Thank you in advance for any help you can give me

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 24 )

Is this what they call a...twist ending?

[is pulled off internet by giant hook]

So much d'awwwwwww. 5/5

That was cute. I totally smiled like a dork when I saw them hug in the episode :derpytongue2:

Nice little story. Now we need a continuation or off-shoot with an explanation of what happened with the unicorn filly sitting next to Twist. She seems too dejected when they hug to not have a crush on one of them.

Cute fic!

So that kid's name is Chowder? I half expected him to say "I'm not your boyfriend!" at one point.

222111
I thought someone would comment something about that.
I don't know what the fandom calls her, but I call her Daffodil.
She's definitely on my list of characters I want to write about.

224370

I don't know of any specific name, but after seeing the GIF on EqD and then reading this, I want to know what happened.


Omc that was a great one-shot! I only have 1 problem

-“That sounds good to me,” said Scootaloo. “Alright, Chowder, put your left hoof on your heart and raise your right hoof.”
Chowder did as he was told. - so he was standing on just two hooves?

and 1 Q:
- He didn’t even notice his mom had made a slight alteration to the cheese stuffed mushrooms they were having, adding a bit of saffron, which made it much better. - question. Is saffron and cheese a good combo? I'm a (amateur) cook and I would like to know, but it seems weird mix

the story was really cute and adorable!!! :pinkiehappy: loved it!

226024

1. I'm not the best at being descriptive and I thought it would be clear he was sitting on his haunches.
2. I'm not a cook at all and I know absolutely nothing about spices. The mushroom thing is from the movie Ratatouille. Near the beginning of the movie he finds a mushroom and some cheese and he says, "do you what this needs? saffron. a little saffron would make this." I have no idea if it would actually work or not but since Chowder is really good with food I decided to use it.

226024

AHA! Thanks for reminding me about that. As a professional, saffron in cheese-stuffed mushrooms would be completely pointless as it would be overpowered by the strong cheeses that you use for that sort of thing. Saffron is not a spice to be used lightly (it's expensive as hell) and it needs complimentary flavors to not just decimate it.

226090
227314

Alright! thanks y'all!

227314
I'm going to fix the story and resubmit it to Equestria Daily and this is one of the things I would like to fix. What spice(s) should I say were used?

:derpyderp2:...Well that put me on the spot. You could always describe an altered cheese mix for an easy subtle option. Spice-wise I can give you logical and bold, while subtle is a mite harder. If you were using a smoked cheese in there nutmeg could perk it up a bit...that's all I got right now.

:twistnerd:

Thpectacular thtory.

This is pretty darn cute. :twistnerd:

THIS SHIP NEEDS MORE LOVE.:heart::heart:

Do ya need a hand? This was a sweet story when I read it; I'd love to help you get onto Equestria Daily, although it doesn't necessarily need to be. :pinkiesmile: Just sayin'!

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww~ :heart::twistnerd:

Well, they're certainly right about Twist - if a reader has t spend several second decoding what she says, your overdoing it. Just have her lisp every so often, not everytime you get an oppurtunity.

I've been a fan of this one for a while. I noticed something, though -- when Apple Bloom talks about fixing up the clubhouse, she should be talking about "shutters", not "shudders".

I really don't understand why this story doesn't have more views. It deserves much more love than this. I've tried to get it some more attention by adding it to more groups, including the brand new group for Twist!
i.imgur.com/RVM1x8i.png

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