Reading fanfics is a way to express the how some peopleare. Most of the Fanfics I will be make be crossovers other fandoms.and crossovers with horror films.
oc charter XVI is sent to go investigate some up roar after a mysterious pony causes problems within the community. eventually turing into all out war agenst the kingdom and celestia. XVI and two other oc's hypnosis and sky rifter do their part as members of a special op group for celestia during the war.
Page generated in 0.068 seconds
Total duration
988 users online
1,862,153 hits today, 2,818,023 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
HOLY SHIT THAT WALL OF TEXT!
When a new character speaks. Start a new paragraph. The enter key is your friend. Use him!
1511574 Jesus christ, the tower of Babel was less earth shattering than this thing! On top of that, the story is so messy and incomprehensible that it'd be easier locating the vagina on a Russian Contortionist after she went through a cotton candy spinner.
1511606 DAT METAPHORE
1511638 It's *sniff* marvelous.
1511771 I CRI EVERYTIME
1511840 IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
Why is it that when I look at it all I can think about is "2001: A Space Odyssey" and the strains of "Thus Spake Zarathustra"?
TWE's Scribblestick here to identify the source of all these downvotes!
-opens chapter
................
This is the most literal wall of text I have ever seen. 3,000 words and not a SINGLE paragraph break? What? I'm not one to ask if a writer has ever read a book, but... have you EVER read a book?
Sadly, that's just the tip of the iceberg....
This reads like a history book - almost pure exposition, trying to get all the information out as quickly as possible. Have you ever felt an emotional connection while reading a history book? I haven't. That's why I find them boring.
So, let's talk about how we can fix that. It's pretty easy, actually. Give us a character we can care about, and we'll start to care about everything that happens to him. A small amount of exposition can be useful, but until we have a character to relate to and care about, we won't be interested for long.
I suppose that brings us to your main character, XVI. First off, XVI isn't a name, it's a number (16), and I find it hard to care about numbers. But never mind that. He's an alicorn with incredible powers, which seem to include shapeshifting. Okay, that alone will get you a sea of downvotes. He's Celestia's caretaker (that's a new one), her trusted confidante, and... that's about it. See, we know a bit about him, but we don't know anything about who he is. What's his personality? What are his goals, dreams, and motivations? What are his fears and limitations? We need at least some of these questions answered before we'll connect with him. We need to get to know him before we'll care about him as a protagonist.
Once you have an interesting character, make him interact with other interesting characters with their own personalities and motives. Thus, you will have interesting conflict. Give them dialogue. Pure narration is dull.
On that note, write more narration as well. This isn't the same as exposition, which is what you have. Don't just dump information on us. Show us what's going on. Describe action, feelings, and expressions. Show us the story, don't just tell it. Let us see, in detail, what's going on. Otherwise, you have little more than a textbook.
Other than that, the plural of pegasus is pegasi. Also, you mentioned a mysterious man, but I think you mean a mysterious pony.
That's all from me. Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
That wall of text... not even the East Berliners had this kind of problem.
1514632Oh wow Gherkin.
1513022 most of what u said was ur a lazy person who doesnt like what u read dude shut up its not ment to be a lasting story just a history lesson and its also not sepposed to b in exacts to our history u idiot yes the wall of words is trouble but if you read its a pretty good story
1517268 I did read it. It would be kind of hard to review it if I didn't.
Well, I don't really enjoy history lessons, so that's probably why I didn't enjoy this. Also, what do you mean by "it's not supposed to be in exacts to our history?" Are you talking about human history? Because I never mentioned human history.
1517356 well the way you said it made me take it that way. oh and the thing abput shapeshifting twilight did the same thing to rarity in an ep so i dont see how theyll get dislikes from that. its magic not shapeshifting
.
1517268
Even history books have paragraph breaks... Unlike this thing.
And all of ScribbleSticks concerns are legitimate.
1523889
Thanks for the backup.
1522124
That's precisely the reason people will dislike it. The author is putting XVI on the same level as Twilight. No, scratch that; the author is putting XVI a few levels above Twilight. Twilight herself called the butterfly wing spell (the spell you're referring to) incredibly complicated. It took a lot of effort for her to cast it, so much that it left her visibly drained, and she was only able to do it once. XVI, by contrast, seems to be able to take on a wide variety of forms (dust storm or something is the one I remember) without any apparent consequences. Since Twilight is considered by fans and her in-show peers to be one of, if not the, greatest magician of her time, making XVI better than her reeks of Gary Stu-ness.
1528457 sorry for late response i was busy well anyways alicorns are considerably stronger then unicorns dude in all storts of manner. not to mention a dust storm or cloud can be easily made with wind idk how thats something to complain about the spell twilight learned is just a spell like there arent ton of other hidden spells who to say he cant shapeshift? u? its not your fan fic to determine what goes and what doesnt they can make it into any reality
1562087
True. A writer can do whatever he wants with his own story. That doesn't mean he should, though. Sure, he can write 3,000 words of exposition without a single paragraph break, but he really shouldn't if he expects anyone to read it. Sure, he can make an alicorn OC with a number for a name, but unless he's really good at giving characters deep personalities and real weaknesses, it's going to fall flat.
Storytelling is not about doing whatever you want. It's about building a believable character the audience can sympathise with and making him struggle. It could be an epic battle of good vs. evil (both season premiers), or it could be a rather mundane event ("Ticket Master," "Appblebuck Season," "Lesson Zero"); the point is, developed characters with clear goals and obstacles are what make a story interesting, and no amount of incredible power and grand conflict can make up for them.
I think the deeper question here is, who am I to criticize this story? And from a certain perspective, it's a fair point. I'm just one guy. Why should anyone care what I say?
Well, first off, I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Thorlol openly seconded my original review, and the current 0-13 vote count implies that I'm not alone in thinking this story needs work. The fact that this story only has 75 views tells me most people didn't think it was even worth a look.
Second, I have spent a lot of time reading and writing, both within the fandom and without. I have learned through practice and observation what makes a story interesting, and I have seen enough disliked stories on this site to know what people do and don't like to see in fanfiction and, more importantly, why. Walls of text are hard to read. Alicorn OCs are difficult to write well. Exposition is dull. That's not just my opinion, but the opinion of most of the people I know on this site and in real life.
Ultimately, it's the audience that gets to decide whether a story is worth hearing, and judging by the low viewcount and vote ratio, public opinion is most definitely against this story in its current form. All I've done is point out ways in which the author can make his story more appealing, based on my own experience with writing and my knowledge of this fandom. It's up to the author to decide whether he thinks my advice is worthwhile.
Speaking of which, I wonder why he hasn't replied to any of this yet. Authors usually do.
1562549 dam good come back .. u may have beaten me .. ill need a bit to propely respond if i can lol good fight i enjoyed this besides all that i actually met the author recetly and i think he had said that he had cut out a lot of the story but may rewrite it to improve it bu who knows
1564228 'twas a pleasure, friend. I enjoy a good discussion now and then.
1572975
1796235 I'm Not Sur How to react to that
Oh God, this is either the worst piece of literature or the best trollfic I've ever read.
1511606 What the hell does "rant" mean?
I'm a reviewer from the group 'Plan 9 from Equestria' and unfortunely for you the fic is deemed awful enough to make it into the group as decided by the groups 144 members. Or luckily it's so bad its good it made it into the group, either way its going to get a review and there's nothing you can do about. Lets see if this abides by me.'
Oh Christ, this has everything terrible:
1. Bad Ocs
2. Cliche as Fuck plot.
3. NO FUCKING SPACING OR PROPER USE OF PUNCTUATION.
This is literally the epitome of awfulness... AND I FUCKING READ IT! In the end I'm pretty sure I skipped a paragra- OH WAIT! IT HAS NONE! Why, oh why, did you not use a single fucking paragraph or space? Please elaborate. This is the first thing I've reviewed that I'm seriously mad about. Please don't attempt to post something like this again, for all of bronyhood, please don't.
0 Abides Out Of 5
Abiding like a Justin Beiber song: Shouldn't even be listened to, never the less created.
THE DUDE DOES NOT ABIDE!
So many deaths... so many brave men dying to machine guns tearing through their torso's and suffocating on poison gas like a fish struggling to get back into the water. All 3,000,000+ of them are rolling in their graves so much that earthquakes have been reported worldwide. World war one and all the men who died in it, reduced to nothing but a terrible my little pony fanfiction.
i.ytimg.com/vi/4jf9tE6ynFo/hqdefault.jpg
Most all of the other commenters on here have said what my views on this are but for the love of Celestia, USE PARAGRAPHS. My eyes LITERALLY hurt after reading this. Why am I bothering commenting on this when you haven't been online in over 136 weeks?
it's disgraceful that you have turned the Horrors of WW1 into this abomination...