GPW1(great pony war one)

by Jrony

begining middle and end

“It all started with a dream… decades after unicorn, Pegasus, and earth ponies all agreed to live together. Equestrian was still far from being developed to what it is today. There was still issue between the different ponies. Fight, disputes and arguments would break out like a blazing inferno. Even to a point of discrimination in the pony race dominate areas, to where if you were a unicorn moving into a dominate earth pony neighborhood, they would be forced out by any means necessary. Protester and activist all joined to try and settle the majority of the discrimination, but then he came.. His coat was yellow, his mane brown, his eyes, almost a lifeless staring abyss. He wasn’t like the other speakers, he didn’t promote equality. Rather, he insisted he and his race was the dominate race. He spoke with the devils silver tongue, rallying all unicorn to join in his mission. To take what he believes to rightfully belongs to the unicorns. The mysterious man never spoke his name, nor where he resided and promptly left with a small legion of willing unicorns. After such a concerning rally earth ponies and Pegasus alike gathered to discuss the concerning matter at hand. Even though there had been problems in the past, none were as life threatening as that, even the other life was put in jeopardy. A letter was sent to inform Celestia, she sent XVI to investigate. XVI was one of her top notch Ellet from her stealth force. He was a dear companion, almost an uncle. He was an alicorn, alive longer than she was. A guardian asked to watch her while her parents were gone. He decided to disguise himself as a unicorn beforehand and proceeded to be briefed on the mission. Unaware of what he will encounter. His mission was to observe the area and report any abnormalities, still not knowing about the mysterious pony. After talking to Celestia who was very ill informed, he was told that discriminating type uproar plagued the population and he was to be a speaker to unite them all and report any findings. After the briefing he left, traveling by standard carriage as to not attract any attention. After arriving and attempting to get living arrangements XVI decided to take a look around and see what the town had to offer. Since he was new, he was unexcitingly greeted with the discrimination first hand. As soon as it was clear he was a unicorn he was greeted with slammed doors at hotels and inns on the way in, when he tried restaurants he was denied service and everywhere he went he was welcomed with angry stares and racial slurs. Eventually he unfortunately bumped in to a Pegasus gang outside a bar immediately they made it clear he was in trouble, and despite his diplomacy he knew he wouldn’t win them over. Instead he used magic to make a dust cloud to bolt away but the Pegasus were too fast cutting him off before he got too far. Cornered now the ruckus got the towns attention, the earth ponies now joined in closing in XVI looked back and forth XVI looked for a way out but all directions closed and as the ponies get about five feet away it seemed there was no choice but to reveal himself and use his full power then there was a sudden ring *ring* so crisp and clear that all fell dead silent, suddenly, a dust cloud spun by. As it passes out from behind the passing cloud was many figures, all hidden by the shadow of the sun. With another ring of the bell the two outer ponies of each side bolt in. the one more from each side causing a panic the Pegasus and earth ponies run in fear leaving XVI alone. As the six ponies come to XVI aid it’s revealed, they are all unicorns. XVI now realizing that he hadn’t seen another unicorn til now, it made him wonder. As the rest of the mysterious group joined he met the leader of the group he was a yellow pony with a brown mane. He was told about how unicorns aren’t living in the town anymore. He was taken to stay with his own kind in the outskirts of town. Reluctantly, he joined seeing as he didn’t have a choice. After some odd three mile walk they reached a large almost fortress like building. Once brought inside he was shown basics, his room, training area, exercise room, etc. then he was told to live there he need to wear allegiance to the leader. When he asked the leaders name he was told “in due time.” having no other choice and a mission to do he decides to join. He is taken to the board room to meet the head pony. The unicorn that stood before him was a nerving sight. A sadistically happy pony with a evil grin from ear to ear, he was brown with a black mane. He greeted XVI joyfully,. He announced his name was “hoenheim” and that he is the leader of the contraband. Now that XVI swore allegiance and joined this mysterious band of unicorns. Hoenhim asked the pony that had been escorting XVI around to brief him in the duties, expectations and goal of the what will be called “Reich of the unicorn” XVI now informed and settled in thanks the pony and asks his name. The pony responded “Dante” Dante then left to continue his work. Now alone XVI start his first letter to Celestia. He informed her of what is happening. After a few days of training and other basic orientation, XVI and other unicorns were all briefed and assigned to assist in recruitment. Dante took a liking to XVI and handpicked him to join Dante. Many groups of unicorns spread around to other towns as too was XVI, all sent to spread the belief and recruit unicorn. XVI, having been a good speaker and assigned to do a similar job by Celestia became a speaker. What an impact XVI was on the cities he visited not only recruiting unicorn but other ponies willing to obey under the unicorn rule. Now gaining recognition and favoritism he slowly stopped sending letters to Celestia. He wrote his last letter telling Celestia that he will no longer be a part of her task force but instead join the unicorns. Celestia now in shock calls upon her next best task force agents, hypnosis and Sky Rifter, both separate personalities ponies but worked quite efficiently. They were to be sent and find weak points of the now army sized militia. With the matter now drastically out of hand Celestia is reading her troops in case of attack. The now enormous following was all gathered up and were called to rally. Hoenheim issued the time was now to claim what was the unicorns and to tell Celestia that they will be there soon for the kingdom. Now that it is war, a leader needs commanders and he chose three generals. A scared grey pony with one dead eye and a permanent scowl, a rough tough, heavy built pony, and lastly Dante, They all had a second in command and Dante choose XVI, now Dante’s specialty meant that he will be working directly with Hoenheim. The troops began their decent on the first few unsuspecting towns and Hoenheim sent a letter to Celestia declaring war. Celestia, furious sends troops to meet hypnosis and Sky Rifter and to eliminate what enemies that he can as well. Now Celestias troops and the Reich’s troops off to fight, soon to meet. The unicorns slowly devoured towns til they met the royal army. A roaring clash turned the war ablaze with battle, ponies slaughtering ponies by any means necessary. Fights occurred in many towns all over equestrian the war lasted for a few months til a turning point. The unicorns revealed new weapons using rifles and explosives to gain advantage, Devastating victories for Hoenheim, Dante and XVI. After heavy losses the kingdom was aided by buffalo and griffins. After a short while were also able to make weapons of their own from remains of the unicorns weapons on the battle field. The tides turned yet again in the battle now somewhat even with the kingdom in the upper hand. Hypnosis and Sky Rifter still fighting a heated fight stumbled upon secret information and proceeds to return to canterlot to inform the princess and being siege of the capital of the revolution. Celestia grants permission and hypnosis and Sky Rifter proceeds with their stealth force to infiltrate and knock down the revolution in time. The battles have now been going on for five years now and there had been heavy losses from technological advances in warfare including chemical and biological. Both sides have been experimenting with poisonous gasses weapons and so on. It was crucial for the kingdom to win soon now that they are at a weak point after an alliance with the changelings and unicorns arose almost knocking out a quarter of Celestias army. It seems like the end of the kingdom may be near. Hypnosis and Sky Rifter reach the command center of the unicorns seemingly undetected they being to sneak in. suddenly, the alarm goes off and three men are shot dead by lookouts the rest quickly tried to find cover. The task force now took a heavy hit they found a vent and quickly run in side. The command was scrambling to find the intruders making the mission even harder than it was already. As the alarms sound Hoenheim, Dante and XVI were planning. They take notice and send XVI to go check and off he goes of course. Hypnosis and Sky Rifter now deep within the command center through the air ducts breaking into an empty hallway. It was eerily silent but it was an opportunity to move forward they must strive on. They decide to split up. Hypnosis and three other men and Sky Rifter takes the remaining two and go spate ways. Sky Rifter finds guards unconscious and a strange echo of fighting leading him and his team. After an odd count of fifteen guards he finds the armory room filled with rifles bombs and flying machines. After a quick look over hypnosis and his team he and his men decide to bomb the command center and the distant forces. So they begin to lead the plans and weapons. Hypnosis and his team had a bit of guard trouble of their own, by the fifth guard they found a hidden room with a bridge leading to some kind of secret vault with a bridge leading to it. Cautiously they cross the bridge. About three quarters the way, hypnosis, taking the ear, hears hooves and quickly turns around XVI standing at the door starring and quickly runs away. Hypnosis and his men try to run after him but the bridge gave way and two fell into a vat of acid below. Without time to focus on losses they continued after XVI. XVI knowing his way around lead hypnosis to the armory room as well. Hypnosis lost sight of XVI but met up with Sky Rifter and joined in the plans. After a while they took flight and proceeded with the attack. Turrets took out two planes but hypnosis and sky rifters had made it out and aid the forces at the front line. As they return to Celestia they tell her of XVI and how they aided the troops but now the changelings were too much and the then head of the unicorns were now said to be in the same area and to soon head to Canterlot. Hypnosis and sky Rifter leave to a heavily battled are to take out the changeling command center. As they arrive and hide on an overlaying cloud skyrifter flies hypnosis through the back hopefully undetected. Sky Rifter runs in to try and mimic the last time again, strangely greeted with unconscious guards. Hypnosis felt a bit of de javu too. After catching glimpse of XVI, he was led to a room same as the one in the earlier command center. On the end of the bridge was XVI. XVI blatantly says “how are you?” hypnosis replies “how am I?! What do you mean how am I?! You betrayed us!” XVI replies “no I didn’t, it was all necessary to do what I did, it’s all for the greater good.” “Greater good?! Abandoning us is for the greater good?!” Hypnosis yells. XVI explains the unicorns were not only waging war with the changelings but also have been committing genocide of non-unicorns killing then with gas and other methods like a shooting line and are planning to literally obliterate Canterlot and the kingdoms allies, I’ve been helping the kingdoms armies however I could but needed to stay unknown til I had figured out every single classified activity.” As XVI was wrapping up he ended the conversation with hypnosis with “I will detonate this command center get to the armory soon. Hoenheim and the changelings and the generals and scientist won’t make it out. It all ends at the center.” Hypnosis quickly runs out and joined sky Rifter repeating the same process aiding the kingdom. Within five minutes of takeoff XVI blows up the command, sacrificing himself giving the kingdom what they needed to win. Hypnosis tells Celestia all that XVI said and realized that at the center of the continent is where the last command center is. And Celestia planning an all-out attack to end it, but a message is delivered. The message says “you think you’ve won? You think the leader is dead? I know you sent a spy and I let him kill my puppet hoenheim and false scientist and generals. My weapon is now complete. I will enjoy my new kingdom once I destroy yours. The time is near my dear princes you will no longer be the center of the world you’ll be killed at it” Celestia decided if that’s what it takes she will lead her forces to defeat the real leader. Sky Rifter takes a squad of fighters from the recovered plans and hypnosis stands by Celestia. As they march towards the centers of the continent they find the hidden nightmare of the unicorn’s mindless slaughter with gas bullets and worse. The command center is now in sight. The final battle is about to begin. The only regret is hypnosis and sky rifter is that XVI isn’t with them. Sky Rifter starts the siege bombing what he can. His fleet slowly but surly shot down one by one, by turrets. Sky Rifter doing what he can causing significant damage but realized he is alone in the sky, and now the focus of the fire. He is shot down in a blaze of shrapnel, he is now dead. The sight enrages hypnosis; he sends the first platoon in and then charges with the second one. The first platoon was mostly dispatched by landmines in the area blown away and the remaining moved forward with the second platoon. They now have to deal with mustard gas, killing them burning their lungs in excruciating pain til death. The last of the army advances, Celestia alone, hypnosis, Sky Rifter and XVI all now gone. She was on the final straw her men clashed with the enemy. A raging battle til from the top of the tower a pony came out. Over the intercom the pony spoke to Celestia. The pony said “so nice of you to join us princess, now we can end this properly. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dante, your soon to be king of equestrian.” Enraged Celestia attempts to attack but is stopped by the sight of a large bomb coming out from atop the tower being Dante. He explains that in one minute the bomb will explode and he will escape as the princess and all within a five mile radius will perish while he and his legion rebuild his kingdom. As the fight continues Celestia must deal with unicorns and their magic which are stalling her til time runs out. As there is ten seconds left on the clock, Celestia won’t make it in time but suddenly a voice is heard over the intercom. It’s a familiar with the same silver tongue as Dante, both Dante and Celestia recognize it, its XVI. He says “Dante~. Did you really think I died? You may have known I was a spy but what you didn’t know is that I’m an alicorn. And I found out all your plans.” Dante reluctantly says “so?! You’re too late to save anyone!” XVI says “that’s what you think” in a flash the kingdoms troops are teleported out. The clock strikes three. Another flash the last unicorn followers appear. Strikes two, XVI says “bye princess” and teleports her to Canterlot” clock strikes one XVI throws up a barrier to trap all within and uses his power to make everyone in the barrier helpless to save themselves including him. Zero ... The bomb explodes and XVI and the rest are all killed, he sacrificed himself to save everyone. The war is over and the kingdom is still standing. Celestia sends a message telling all her remaining subjects that it is now a time of peace and to never think of others as inferior. Instead to love one another, this wasn’t a problem since the living refugees all agreed. Now that the war is over all over the land every pony starts to rebuild and starts over the world. Hopefully to never see war again. Celestia erects statues of XVI, hypnosis and sky rifter for their valiant efforts to never forget what they all did. Eventually, time passed and now this is but a distant memory. This is remembered to show the importance of judging one another and that’s the moral of the story kids…” Ms.Cheerilee finished. The class was all in shock and amazement. Apple bloom asked Ms.Cheerilee if that could ever happen again. Ms.Cheerilee said “doubtful but you never know.” Sweeitebell said “That sounded like really scary times back then.” Scootaloo followed with “yeah, for sure, thank glob we weren’t alive back then.” Then the school bell rang and the fillies went off to have fun. The cuitemark crusaders took a detour to the statue garden to see the three ponies, XVI, Hypnosis, and Sky Rifter. After taking a long look and then thinking about the lesson they just learned they spark the idea to become secret agents and run off to have fun. The end

Comments

[Thorlol]

HOLY SHIT THAT WALL OF TEXT!

When a new character speaks. Start a new paragraph. The enter key is your friend. Use him!

[Mr Ignorable]

1511574 Jesus christ, the tower of Babel was less earth shattering than this thing! On top of that, the story is so messy and incomprehensible that it'd be easier locating the vagina on a Russian Contortionist after she went through a cotton candy spinner.

[Regidar]

1511606 DAT METAPHORE

[Mr Ignorable]

1511638 It's *sniff* marvelous.

[Regidar]

1511771 I CRI EVERYTIME

[Something Eight]

1511840 IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

[Evil Homer]

Why is it that when I look at it all I can think about is "2001: A Space Odyssey" and the strains of "Thus Spake Zarathustra"?

[Scribblestick]

TWE's Scribblestick here to identify the source of all these downvotes!

-opens chapter

................

This is the most literal wall of text I have ever seen. 3,000 words and not a SINGLE paragraph break? What? I'm not one to ask if a writer has ever read a book, but... have you EVER read a book?

Sadly, that's just the tip of the iceberg....

This reads like a history book - almost pure exposition, trying to get all the information out as quickly as possible. Have you ever felt an emotional connection while reading a history book? I haven't. That's why I find them boring.

So, let's talk about how we can fix that. It's pretty easy, actually. Give us a character we can care about, and we'll start to care about everything that happens to him. A small amount of exposition can be useful, but until we have a character to relate to and care about, we won't be interested for long.

I suppose that brings us to your main character, XVI. First off, XVI isn't a name, it's a number (16), and I find it hard to care about numbers. But never mind that. He's an alicorn with incredible powers, which seem to include shapeshifting. Okay, that alone will get you a sea of downvotes. He's Celestia's caretaker (that's a new one), her trusted confidante, and... that's about it. See, we know a bit about him, but we don't know anything about who he is. What's his personality? What are his goals, dreams, and motivations? What are his fears and limitations? We need at least some of these questions answered before we'll connect with him. We need to get to know him before we'll care about him as a protagonist.

Once you have an interesting character, make him interact with other interesting characters with their own personalities and motives. Thus, you will have interesting conflict. Give them dialogue. Pure narration is dull.

On that note, write more narration as well. This isn't the same as exposition, which is what you have. Don't just dump information on us. Show us what's going on. Describe action, feelings, and expressions. Show us the story, don't just tell it. Let us see, in detail, what's going on. Otherwise, you have little more than a textbook.

Other than that, the plural of pegasus is pegasi. Also, you mentioned a mysterious man, but I think you mean a mysterious pony.

That's all from me. Hope this helps!

~Scribblestick, TWE moderator

[Gherkin]

That wall of text... not even the East Berliners had this kind of problem.

[Th4t Dark c0rner]

1514632Oh wow Gherkin.

[alucrash]

1513022 most of what u said was ur a lazy person who doesnt like what u read dude shut up its not ment to be a lasting story just a history lesson and its also not sepposed to b in exacts to our history u idiot yes the wall of words is trouble but if you read its a pretty good story

[Scribblestick]

1517268 I did read it. It would be kind of hard to review it if I didn't.

its not ment to be a lasting story just a history lesson

Well, I don't really enjoy history lessons, so that's probably why I didn't enjoy this. Also, what do you mean by "it's not supposed to be in exacts to our history?" Are you talking about human history? Because I never mentioned human history.

[alucrash]

1517356 well the way you said it made me take it that way. oh and the thing abput shapeshifting twilight did the same thing to rarity in an ep so i dont see how theyll get dislikes from that. its magic not shapeshifting
.

[Thorlol]

1517268
Even history books have paragraph breaks... Unlike this thing.
And all of ScribbleSticks concerns are legitimate.

[Scribblestick]

1523889

Thanks for the backup.

1522124

That's precisely the reason people will dislike it. The author is putting XVI on the same level as Twilight. No, scratch that; the author is putting XVI a few levels above Twilight. Twilight herself called the butterfly wing spell (the spell you're referring to) incredibly complicated. It took a lot of effort for her to cast it, so much that it left her visibly drained, and she was only able to do it once. XVI, by contrast, seems to be able to take on a wide variety of forms (dust storm or something is the one I remember) without any apparent consequences. Since Twilight is considered by fans and her in-show peers to be one of, if not the, greatest magician of her time, making XVI better than her reeks of Gary Stu-ness.

[alucrash]

1528457 sorry for late response i was busy well anyways alicorns are considerably stronger then unicorns dude in all storts of manner. not to mention a dust storm or cloud can be easily made with wind idk how thats something to complain about the spell twilight learned is just a spell like there arent ton of other hidden spells who to say he cant shapeshift? u? its not your fan fic to determine what goes and what doesnt they can make it into any reality

[Scribblestick]

1562087

its not your fan fic to determine what goes and what doesnt they can make it into any reality

True. A writer can do whatever he wants with his own story. That doesn't mean he should, though. Sure, he can write 3,000 words of exposition without a single paragraph break, but he really shouldn't if he expects anyone to read it. Sure, he can make an alicorn OC with a number for a name, but unless he's really good at giving characters deep personalities and real weaknesses, it's going to fall flat.

Storytelling is not about doing whatever you want. It's about building a believable character the audience can sympathise with and making him struggle. It could be an epic battle of good vs. evil (both season premiers), or it could be a rather mundane event ("Ticket Master," "Appblebuck Season," "Lesson Zero"); the point is, developed characters with clear goals and obstacles are what make a story interesting, and no amount of incredible power and grand conflict can make up for them.

who to say he cant shapeshift? u?

I think the deeper question here is, who am I to criticize this story? And from a certain perspective, it's a fair point. I'm just one guy. Why should anyone care what I say?

Well, first off, I'm not the only one who thinks this way. Thorlol openly seconded my original review, and the current 0-13 vote count implies that I'm not alone in thinking this story needs work. The fact that this story only has 75 views tells me most people didn't think it was even worth a look.

Second, I have spent a lot of time reading and writing, both within the fandom and without. I have learned through practice and observation what makes a story interesting, and I have seen enough disliked stories on this site to know what people do and don't like to see in fanfiction and, more importantly, why. Walls of text are hard to read. Alicorn OCs are difficult to write well. Exposition is dull. That's not just my opinion, but the opinion of most of the people I know on this site and in real life.

Ultimately, it's the audience that gets to decide whether a story is worth hearing, and judging by the low viewcount and vote ratio, public opinion is most definitely against this story in its current form. All I've done is point out ways in which the author can make his story more appealing, based on my own experience with writing and my knowledge of this fandom. It's up to the author to decide whether he thinks my advice is worthwhile.

Speaking of which, I wonder why he hasn't replied to any of this yet. Authors usually do.

[alucrash]

1562549 dam good come back .. u may have beaten me .. ill need a bit to propely respond if i can lol good fight i enjoyed this besides all that i actually met the author recetly and i think he had said that he had cut out a lot of the story but may rewrite it to improve it bu who knows

[Scribblestick]

1564228 'twas a pleasure, friend. I enjoy a good discussion now and then.

[Jrony]

you guys are having fun

[Pixels]

1572975

[Jrony]

1796235 I'm Not Sur How to react to that

[Slip Kid]

Oh God, this is either the worst piece of literature or the best trollfic I've ever read.

[moviemaster8510]

1511606 What the hell does "rant" mean?

[The Fresh Dude Of BelAir]

I'm a reviewer from the group 'Plan 9 from Equestria' and unfortunely for you the fic is deemed awful enough to make it into the group as decided by the groups 144 members. Or luckily it's so bad its good it made it into the group, either way its going to get a review and there's nothing you can do about. Lets see if this abides by me.'

Oh Christ, this has everything terrible:
1. Bad Ocs
2. Cliche as Fuck plot.
3. NO FUCKING SPACING OR PROPER USE OF PUNCTUATION.

This is literally the epitome of awfulness... AND I FUCKING READ IT! In the end I'm pretty sure I skipped a paragra- OH WAIT! IT HAS NONE! Why, oh why, did you not use a single fucking paragraph or space? Please elaborate. This is the first thing I've reviewed that I'm seriously mad about. Please don't attempt to post something like this again, for all of bronyhood, please don't.

0 Abides Out Of 5

Abiding like a Justin Beiber song: Shouldn't even be listened to, never the less created.

THE DUDE DOES NOT ABIDE!

[null_name5656]

So many deaths... so many brave men dying to machine guns tearing through their torso's and suffocating on poison gas like a fish struggling to get back into the water. All 3,000,000+ of them are rolling in their graves so much that earthquakes have been reported worldwide. World war one and all the men who died in it, reduced to nothing but a terrible my little pony fanfiction.
i.ytimg.com/vi/4jf9tE6ynFo/hqdefault.jpg

[StormLuna]

Most all of the other commenters on here have said what my views on this are but for the love of Celestia, USE PARAGRAPHS. My eyes LITERALLY hurt after reading this. Why am I bothering commenting on this when you haven't been online in over 136 weeks?

[Atlas55]

it's disgraceful that you have turned the Horrors of WW1 into this abomination...