• Published 19th Oct 2012
  • 1,202 Views, 22 Comments

cute crusade - apple short



a story about Apple Bloom on her journey.

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Chapter 1

To be simple not containing the full extent of fluid motion i create in mind for stories with exampling prowess because it is better that way and apple bloom is a child lacking supreme dictation and fluent writability prower. Edited for me by my friend jack who is awwsome even though we fight sometimes.
It was time to go crusading as a crusader of cute marks and Apple Bloom decided it was best to go outside and round up none of her friends but go alone with just an apple of magic and an extra bow for her frolicking hair that poofedand spiraled with control issues and the stolen book of power that she took from the library to see if she had a thief cutie mark.
“Yippee I am off to adventure and effing get a cutie mark before the other two yall.” she said it maniaclly to herself with a pleasureable smile and she whistled through teeth. Suddenly she had understood the course set before her and she jumped into the everfree to get the knowedge of zebra gaining and to plunge zecora into sleep to acuire the vast murky presense of her despicable aura of doom.
“Apple Bloom!” zecora shocked herself to notice things! I am (also she doesn’t speak in rhymes only sometimes she does anymore because she no longer needs them to stabilitate her potions. Just when it gets bad and she cannot do without its increase in kinac tactivity.) so not pleased that you have come here to fight with me!” She snorted and her mane blew across the sand in silence of the everfree.
“Buuuut I am getting a cutie mark for being a zebra!” whined her much disconcerted and she stamped her hoof so that it ricocheted throughout the silence in abounding loudness. “Ponyhowdy let me learn the secrets of being you!” She opened her sack and cast out the book of violent magic that hates at the zecora witch!
“What the eff you stupid pony baby!” Zecora threw up her arms and began to chant with sections and lifting a paw she created a zebra striped whip to smack the pony Apple Blooms spell book into the submission of dominance. “I now must control this dumb effing book or else we will all die because it took the powers you contain with a look.” She concentrated hard and her eyes squeezed and she exhaled breath at the sky and pounced on the book.
Applebloom was not impressed and she pulled out the extra hair bow she had bought to tie her hair back more so she could think likely. “Yall beware my apple farmer magic I learnt it from my sister and her big brother and a small bit of granny!” Suddenly! She threw the apple with a cry of being pushed. “hugh!” she wined and it soared outward growing to be like james and the giant peaches peach only an apple and without living bugs to hold inside of it. “Take that you stupid witch.”
Zecora appalled herself at the sight of the apple in sky and she screamed with houren des shouts! “Stupid effing baby pony dont you see what you have doney to us!” she smacked her hoofs against her head and cried mixing it with the blood of her ears and a golden neck ring that she grabbed as incase apple bloom sought to attack her violently that day to earn a cutie mark! “This is it I will defeat your apple magic then!” she threw the ring around the apple and it grew to the massive proportioin shattering size of the apple and wound itself about it like a snake fueling tendrils of itself to squeeze the mouse to death with viscous intent and hissing laughter to drown out its sadistic cries of agony and impure wish to not be eaten and serve as food for the more powerful and natures way dictates that the snake should win!
Suddenly the apple exploded and apple bloo looked shock beyond belief! “My sister will kill me yall stupid zebra!” She moaned and scratched at her head and shrugged her shoulders with dejection! “That was her apple!”
Zecora felt bad but ahd to save everyone so she let it be and instead felt better becase she had saved the Apple Bloom form herself and not allowed her to get the cutie mark of killing a witch because that would destroy a pony who is meant to love apples and make them grow not a slayer of bad spell casting ponies! “You should take this lesson and learn it and go back and do apple stuff Apple Bloom to earn it!”
Apple Bloom snickered and sipped some apple juice she had brought along. “Yall are stupid because I have a secret wea pin to kill you with. “she suddenly smacked the bow from her head and karate chopped it into an origami sword. “Die so I can become the first of the crusades to get marked with a power pony howdy!”
She attacked zecora who fended her off with much shrugging and careful sighs of fear. “Apple Bloom that is a dangerous weapon what are you doing!” She smacked at the young ponies body and forgot to acknowledge that a witch is power made from the thoughts of others ideas and her wizard stripes shook when they extended the gratitude of her people against themselves. It is to be her power and she reached forward tainting the bow majestically so it brightened and disappeared in a mist of ever real substance to become a night hidden bow unvisable to all but the trained.
“Apple Bloom stop!” She screamed smacking the baby pony on the head to bring her into reality and away from dark thoughts. “You should bring your friends and cute mark to learn apple flavored potions I create then you can really do great!”
Apple Bloom realized that her selfishness had almost killed a really actual good witch and she let loose a tear and zecora made it up to her by telling her that she would help scootaloo get dream kissed by rainbow dash.
So Apple Bloom went back to the farm to collect spellable apples and get the cutie crusades together to learn to cast black magic for good.
Might continue after I finish prince martin willis three. It will follow apple bloom around town casting magic for good and saving people with potions that kill! Also scootaloo and Sweetie Bell come and help too by learning sword power and also screeching earthquake. They will get the appleseed of imbuement and learn to make pony toys for fun but turn into weapons later or escape rides. It will be a fantasy to live in for them.

Comments ( 22 )

Wait, wait, wait. You call this shit 'storytelling powers?'

Normally I would point out what's wrong in some detail, in this case the writing is atrocious plus Applebloom (who is best filly) and Zecora are OOC.

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Instead I will post beavers in order to help me forget what I just saw.

Thanks! You took my advice and totally sh*t on it.
I feel such... what's the opposite of pride again? :trollestia:

1469191
Shame. I believe that emotion is shame.

But don't beat yourself up too much. You're not responsible for this... thing. It is purely the fault of the author that this literary excrement exists.

1469191
Technically, humility, but that's the wrong kind of pride. But if I had to guess, you're probably feeling anguish, depression, rage, your usual plethora of cynicism, and of course a hate for all garbage that apple short pumps out.

Also, apple short, quit using Barnum's Thesaurus to obtain words to use.

images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120424171758/fable/images/8/8d/Barnum's_Thesaurus.JPG

This tattered, handwritten book performs countless crimes against synonymisation, among them: Nasty: 1. distrafolic, respinacious, aggravatising 2. sprockless, embitterious, spitoonful. Surprising: mindplosive, betwazzling, shakeastickful. There are also a small number of antonyms, such as: Hand: foot, other hand, extremiosity. Hungry: bananas, pie, donkey.

1469234
Yeah, that works.

1469231
Maybe so, but I feel a little responsible after all I was the one that gave her this idea.

“What the eff you stupid pony baby!”

My gaze fell on this line and I couldn't help but laugh.

This is terrible. Moving on.

You're getting better each day.

apple short, you know that, despite your lack of writing skill, I love you. So let's jump in!
--

To be simple not containing the full extent of fluid motion i create in mind for stories with exampling prowess because it is better that way and apple bloom is a child lacking supreme dictation and fluent writability prower.

what
From what I can tell, you're saying that you didn't try as hard on this story as you usually do. And that, because of Apple Bloom's rural upbringing and her age, her grammar and thoughts aren't sophisticated.
Please. Purple prose. Grammar. Spelling. USING REAL WORDS.
Jack, I love you too, but you're not helping.

You're really bad with run-ons. Needs more puncuation. This means commas, periods, semicolons...

crusader of cute marks

Really? Just say "Cutie Mark Crusaders!"

apple of magic and an extra bow for her frolicking hair that poofedand [sic] spiraled with control issues and the stolen book of power that she took from the library to see if she had a thief cutie mark.

Okay. Apple Bloom is evil? You've got my attention, but I'm wary. Note the [sic] above.

“Yippee I am off to adventure and effing get a cutie mark before the other two yall.” she said it maniaclly to herself with a pleasureable smile and she whistled through teeth.

Apple Bloom wouldn't swear like that (not that any character would swear at all). It should the "the other two of y'all." Maniaclly should be maniacally. Pleasureable should be pleasurable. Dude, do you not have spell check?

Suddenly she had understood the course set before her and she jumped into the everfree to get the knowedge [sic] of zebra gaining and to plunge zecora into sleep to acuire [sic] the vast murky presense [sic] of her despicable aura of doom.

Do you really need to say that she realized where she was going? Wouldn't she know it beforehand? Everfree and Zecora should be capitalized. Note all the [sic]s; each one represents a misspelled word. Also, she's gaining the power to gain zebras? Whaaaaaat?

“Apple Bloom!” zecora shocked herself to notice things!

Jesus. What? WHAT? What does this even mean?!

I am (also she doesn’t speak in rhymes only sometimes she does anymore because she no longer needs them to stabilitate her potions. Just when it gets bad and she cannot do without its increase in kinac tactivity.) so not pleased that you have come here to fight with me!”

i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u400/DubsRewatcher/penisinspectionday.gif

“Buuuut I am getting a cutie mark for being a zebra!” whined her much disconcerted and she stamped her hoof so that it ricocheted throughout the silence in abounding loudness. “Ponyhowdy let me learn the secrets of being you!”

haha what
I seriously can't tell whether this is supposed to be serious or not. But since you marked it as "random," I'm assuming it's not. If that's the case, then you haven't done this worst job in the world. The plot is ridiculous enough, I guess. But it's really marred by your poor grammar. I'm telling you, get a professional ponyfic editor! Try the Writer's Training Grounds on /fic/. They're great. Or, I'm willing to help! Just make sure that it's in a Google Doc. This applies to both options.
And I get the fic is supposed to be random. But I don't think that's an excuse to let your characters fall out-of-character. These characters would never, ever act this way. You need to explain why they're acting like this.
Also, Zecora's rhymes. Really, man?

Here are some more comments on the plot, after I stopped close editing:
1. How did Zecora know that Apple Bloom was going to try to defeat her?
2. What is this "apple magic" they keep talking about?
3. You need more details! And this should be longer.
4. Purple prose-y as hell.
5. Did... Did you just call Zecora's stripes "wizard stripes?"
6. Your concept of a happy ending is very flawed. In both this story and your last, the way you reached it was by completely negating the entire plot of the story. You need to make something happen.
7.

Might continue after I finish prince martin willis three. It will follow apple bloom around town casting magic for good and saving people with potions that kill! Also scootaloo and Sweetie Bell come and help too by learning sword power and also screeching earthquake. They will get the appleseed of imbuement and learn to make pony toys for fun but turn into weapons later or escape rides. It will be a fantasy to live in for them.

oh god
--
Yeah. As I've said before, get an editor. Make sure your ponies aren't out-of-character. Learn what purple prose is, and try to avoid it.

Final grade:
i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u400/DubsRewatcher/tumblr_m0jwhuQdzd1r1mlm2.gif

-Dubs Rewatcher, official TWE whore

wow, you write fanfics just like a 5 year old does it, even the standard 5 year old can do one better than you.....:facehoof:

This isn't writing, this is letting your brain vomit onto a keyboard!

Suddenly!

How informative!

This honestly reads like you put it through six different languages on an internet translator, and not a very good one at that. I think that's what makes it so hilarious.

1496487
Not to mention adding several made up adjectives on top of that. Some of which I still think came straight out of Barnum's Thesaurus. (Yes, I am pushing that joke rather hard. But it's SO DAMN TRUE!!!!:rainbowlaugh:)

Well, It least it's not apple short! -Fic made by apple short-
SWEET JESUS! First of all, stop with 'fing' and 'eff'. If you are going to write Fan fictions with mature language, you need to have the balls to say the real words. And if you're gonna play the goddamn 'It's because of children' card, I'm going to go ape shit. Second of all, you take some great advice from a great TWE member, and what do you do? You turn that advice into SHIT! Good day, sir!
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Arrgh! This be bad in many ways.

One wonders why Apple Short be so ready to write bad fiction after bad fiction when being told that it be bad in the first place.

'Tis a most puzzling mystery.

Why. God Why?

That which was painful for me to read, like when rub glass in eyeballs.

On a more serious note: author, please learn correct grammer.

“Buuuut I am getting a cutie mark for being a zebra!” whined her much disconcerted

shoreline.net/Websites/shorelinenet/Images/SL-L.Smith%20Blog-Muchness.jpg
"Lost my muchness, have I?"

I honestly don't understand you, short. On the one hand, you're more obviously a troll than an actual troll, but you show the slightest of improvements from time to time. It's so confusing that I just don't care anymore. You've outlived your usefulness. You don't even get in a blather arguing back and forth with commenters—there's just no entertainment to be had with you anymore. All you have is bad. So bad it's painful. It's not humorous, it's not ironic, it's just pathetic. The fact that you keep DOING it makes you look like a dog that got a treat once for sitting up, so now he just sits up anytime someone is in the room. It's old, we've seen it all before—and better—and now you're just pathetic. So, either piss off back to the real world where no one will take your idiocy, or don't. I just don't give a damn anymore.

Jimmies status:
[ ] Rustled
[ ] Unrustled
[x] Just fucking depressed

I dunno how you've made horrid stories like these.. I mean, like this is pretty bad but not to the point where I have to bring in the choo-choo train. Still, I like it.. but I've got little like for it because of it's spelling and language. Now for me, it's at below average but not at the lowest which is "Complete shit". Just be happy you didn't get over 100+ Dislikes. You'll get your ego ruined by that. Finally, what to say.. Just improve on you skills. Keep working until you at least get a decent fic with more likes.. If your a troll though.. well, heh..
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Comment posted by afterceasetoexist deleted May 8th, 2013
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