a story about Apple Bloom going on a journey. Suggested by The Evil Homer because he says this pony is real and can be given goodness through story telling powers.
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apple short
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Wait, wait, wait. You call this shit 'storytelling powers?'
Normally I would point out what's wrong in some detail, in this case the writing is atrocious plus Applebloom (who is best filly) and Zecora are OOC.
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Instead I will post beavers in order to help me forget what I just saw.
Thanks! You took my advice and totally sh*t on it.
I feel such... what's the opposite of pride again?
1469191
Shame. I believe that emotion is shame.
But don't beat yourself up too much. You're not responsible for this... thing. It is purely the fault of the author that this literary excrement exists.
1469191
Technically, humility, but that's the wrong kind of pride. But if I had to guess, you're probably feeling anguish, depression, rage, your usual plethora of cynicism, and of course a hate for all garbage that apple short pumps out.
Also, apple short, quit using Barnum's Thesaurus to obtain words to use.
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This tattered, handwritten book performs countless crimes against synonymisation, among them: Nasty: 1. distrafolic, respinacious, aggravatising 2. sprockless, embitterious, spitoonful. Surprising: mindplosive, betwazzling, shakeastickful. There are also a small number of antonyms, such as: Hand: foot, other hand, extremiosity. Hungry: bananas, pie, donkey.
1469234
Yeah, that works.
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Maybe so, but I feel a little responsible after all I was the one that gave her this idea.
My gaze fell on this line and I couldn't help but laugh.
This is terrible. Moving on.
You're getting better each day.
apple short, you know that, despite your lack of writing skill, I love you. So let's jump in!
--
what
From what I can tell, you're saying that you didn't try as hard on this story as you usually do. And that, because of Apple Bloom's rural upbringing and her age, her grammar and thoughts aren't sophisticated.
Please. Purple prose. Grammar. Spelling. USING REAL WORDS.
Jack, I love you too, but you're not helping.
You're really bad with run-ons. Needs more puncuation. This means commas, periods, semicolons...
Really? Just say "Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
Okay. Apple Bloom is evil? You've got my attention, but I'm wary. Note the [sic] above.
Apple Bloom wouldn't swear like that (not that any character would swear at all). It should the "the other two of y'all." Maniaclly should be maniacally. Pleasureable should be pleasurable. Dude, do you not have spell check?
Do you really need to say that she realized where she was going? Wouldn't she know it beforehand? Everfree and Zecora should be capitalized. Note all the [sic]s; each one represents a misspelled word. Also, she's gaining the power to gain zebras? Whaaaaaat?
Jesus. What? WHAT? What does this even mean?!
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haha what
I seriously can't tell whether this is supposed to be serious or not. But since you marked it as "random," I'm assuming it's not. If that's the case, then you haven't done this worst job in the world. The plot is ridiculous enough, I guess. But it's really marred by your poor grammar. I'm telling you, get a professional ponyfic editor! Try the Writer's Training Grounds on /fic/. They're great. Or, I'm willing to help! Just make sure that it's in a Google Doc. This applies to both options.
And I get the fic is supposed to be random. But I don't think that's an excuse to let your characters fall out-of-character. These characters would never, ever act this way. You need to explain why they're acting like this.
Also, Zecora's rhymes. Really, man?
Here are some more comments on the plot, after I stopped close editing:
1. How did Zecora know that Apple Bloom was going to try to defeat her?
2. What is this "apple magic" they keep talking about?
3. You need more details! And this should be longer.
4. Purple prose-y as hell.
5. Did... Did you just call Zecora's stripes "wizard stripes?"
6. Your concept of a happy ending is very flawed. In both this story and your last, the way you reached it was by completely negating the entire plot of the story. You need to make something happen.
7.
oh god
--
Yeah. As I've said before, get an editor. Make sure your ponies aren't out-of-character. Learn what purple prose is, and try to avoid it.
Final grade:
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-Dubs Rewatcher, official TWE whore
wow, you write fanfics just like a 5 year old does it, even the standard 5 year old can do one better than you.....
Sword powers lol
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This isn't writing, this is letting your brain vomit onto a keyboard!
How informative!
This honestly reads like you put it through six different languages on an internet translator, and not a very good one at that. I think that's what makes it so hilarious.
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)
Not to mention adding several made up adjectives on top of that. Some of which I still think came straight out of Barnum's Thesaurus. (Yes, I am pushing that joke rather hard. But it's SO DAMN TRUE!!!!
Well, It least it's not apple short! -Fic made by apple short-
SWEET JESUS! First of all, stop with 'fing' and 'eff'. If you are going to write Fan fictions with mature language, you need to have the balls to say the real words. And if you're gonna play the goddamn 'It's because of children' card, I'm going to go ape shit. Second of all, you take some great advice from a great TWE member, and what do you do? You turn that advice into SHIT! Good day, sir!
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Arrgh! This be bad in many ways.
One wonders why Apple Short be so ready to write bad fiction after bad fiction when being told that it be bad in the first place.
'Tis a most puzzling mystery.
Why. God Why?
That which was painful for me to read, like when rub glass in eyeballs.
On a more serious note: author, please learn correct grammer.
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"Lost my muchness, have I?"
I honestly don't understand you, short. On the one hand, you're more obviously a troll than an actual troll, but you show the slightest of improvements from time to time. It's so confusing that I just don't care anymore. You've outlived your usefulness. You don't even get in a blather arguing back and forth with commenters—there's just no entertainment to be had with you anymore. All you have is bad. So bad it's painful. It's not humorous, it's not ironic, it's just pathetic. The fact that you keep DOING it makes you look like a dog that got a treat once for sitting up, so now he just sits up anytime someone is in the room. It's old, we've seen it all before—and better—and now you're just pathetic. So, either piss off back to the real world where no one will take your idiocy, or don't. I just don't give a damn anymore.
Jimmies status:
[ ] Rustled
[ ] Unrustled
[x] Just fucking depressed
I dunno how you've made horrid stories like these.. I mean, like this is pretty bad but not to the point where I have to bring in the choo-choo train. Still, I like it.. but I've got little like for it because of it's spelling and language. Now for me, it's at below average but not at the lowest which is "Complete shit". Just be happy you didn't get over 100+ Dislikes. You'll get your ego ruined by that. Finally, what to say.. Just improve on you skills. Keep working until you at least get a decent fic with more likes.. If your a troll though.. well, heh..
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