sweetie bot learned that she is a robot when she went to the beach one day with her friends, as rarity left her with a warning, stay out of the water
this is a short story of sweetie bot that i made for a school project
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Zack Catcher
Joined 31st Oct, 2022 ·
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I'm going to assume you got an F.
Is this based off that destabilize music animation from 7 years ago? I can definitely see several references when some of the words matched the lyrics and the ending matched the ending to the animation, nice concept.
11807652
no but i was rushed, and this should have been longer then how it is, plus my teacher wanted a story to be 200 to 300 not 2000, and i am not happy with how this story turned out
11807700
yes the ending is based off of it
I personally think it's awesome that you wrote a Sweetie Bot story for a school assignment. I haven't read your other works and I am aware this story was on a time limit so I hope this message comes across as constructive instead of rude or demeaning.
First is the incorrect spelling throughout. The best way to get rid of these errors is to dump the story into Docs and select 'Tools' at the top, then 'Spelling and grammar'. It doesn't take more then a minute or two and will cut down a good portion of mistakes. It might not seem that important but it goes a long way.
Secondly, the story feels very rushed and things just happen, mostly in the later half. We are switching out perspectives which I find odd, if you have Sweetie black out while in the water and she wakes up in the sand to find her friends above her, we can rightfully assume that her friends pulled her out. Sweetie having weapons is also incredibly odd along with multiple OS's, though I enjoy the Mentally Advanced Series reference. It seems like a lot of the things that happen is because you thought it was a cool idea which I respect but when there is no reason for these things to be here, it doesn't make a very engaging story.
This story feels like a first draft, if you spent more time with it, touched up a lot of the spelling and slowed it down a bit after the half way mark then it could have been a very solid story. Anyways, I hope you keep creating and thank you for another Sweetie Bot story. Good luck on your next story
Don't beat yourself too hard for not writing a satisfactory story to your view. I can't see you getting a lot of time to flesh out and think about the story you were writing. I imagine if you went through and rewrite the story without the time constraint that the end result would be a lot more satisfactory.
Seriously though 2k words for a flash fic assignment? I think that shows the passion you held for what you wanted to make, I remember not even hitting 1k if not required.
I agree with Partycannon_'s criticisms but there is more than what they described to improve on. It goes without saying, please take this as constructive criticism.
On the topic of, things just happening, I'd say a primary example is how there doesn't seem to be a concrete reason why Sweetie Belle is angry at her sister for lying to her, as there was no reason or thing said from Rarity that might put that in the back of someone's mind. Nor is there given a reason for Sweetie to be mad at the revelation in the first place, like Sweetie maybe noticing things that seem strangely different about her compared to everyone else, which leads to her coming to her "parents" who dodge her questions and point her to ask Rarity, which she then lies and makes excuses for sweetie's oddities. Thus lying to her, then the beach stuff happens. That's just a single narrative example of how you can fill those holes in stories like this.
Another critical reason that this reads more like a first draft is the absence of any flowery language whatsoever. Flowery language is especially crucial when you're writing in 1st person because you can use it to bring more understanding and immerse the reader in how and what the character thinks and how they feel in the moment because your narrative space is in their head, warped by their perspective on things. As an example, sweetie might see the water on the beach as water at first but after something negative happens to her instead of her seeing harmless water, she would probably feel scared of it. So you can make that apparent by describing it as a "vile liquid" or something else as equally likely to get the point across. However, flower language is not just important in 1st person writing because when reading a story where something is described with the most basic word for it, like a painting, it would be very boring and repetitive to have to read painting, painting, painting all the damn time like we don't know that its a damn painting. So you could say painting the first time, then the next couple times you would have said painting, call it a synonym or other kind of word that is understandable as painting within the context and already established detail of the scene, like art, tapestry, creation, object, image, or other phrases. Thats not to say you should only use Painting once in a story, kinda just a cool down where the reader wont be annoyed at the descriptive word being said again. This same principle can also be attributed to referring to a character with a nickname or context-appropriate description instead of calling them the same name all the time, though at least in this story it was fine at least to me since there was so much shift in who was doing what.
There is also a couple of moments where I get confused about whether this is supposed to be a regular pony-based story or an anthro with the use of the word hand. It is probably just a result of usually writing with human anatomy in mind, which happens to a lot of writers occasionally.
In regards to writing Flash Fiction under a thousand words for classes, try to think of a narrative to write that, while probably simplistic in formula, still works. Flash fiction in my opinion is best used as a medium to give someone just a comparatively small glimpse into an entirely new fictional world or scenario to explore and get absorbed in. For example in a creative writing class a while back, I submitted a short 500ish word story about a combat droid having to make a decision pitting programmed protocol against his squad leader's orders to execute civilians, with it eventually making a spit decision in favor of the civilians, murdering its squad before they could do anything. But the surrounding details of why and where the outer human conflict, which led to the creation of the droid's inner conflict, lead to some of the other students that read the story commenting on it, asking me where I was going to take the whole thing in the future. I used the short format as a hook to get readers interested in the wider setting mentioned in passing due to the shortened format, giving me something to write more about and expand on.
Anyway, this is long as fuck already, so I hope this helps and happy writing my dude!
11808194
thank you for telling me this, but as i stated before my parent's rushed me to get this done, and i do not plan on continuing to work on this because i am not happy with how this turned out, but if you would i would like some criticism on my other story growing bonds, mature version, the original is more or less an out line of the story
11807815
thank you for telling me this, but as i stated before my parent's rushed me to get this done, and i do not plan on continuing to work on this because i am not happy with how this turned out, but if you would i would like some criticism on my other story growing bonds, mature version, the original is more or less an out line of the story
11808036
thank you, the original plan was actually to have sweetie calm down and collapse in to rarity's hooves crying as she let's the truth of her reality sink in then it would go to a chapter of her hanging with her friends and other ponies giving her a weird look, eventually there will be an mob who kicks sweetie belle out of town, that is all i had planned, and yes i didn't have a lot of time so, it came to a point where i had to scrap that idea and make an ending that is more rushed, if i had more time, then this story would be around 6 or 7k words but like i said my parent's were pushing to get this done
11808280
I do mostly criticism with how people's writing turns out, not on the plot's possible holes. Doesn't matter if you had a short amount of time to write something when I'm talking about flow and conveying of meaning and feeling through words. People improve with each piece they write, and I can see that plainly from how ALL your other works have ever fucking line center focused like it's a damn haiku or something. Seriously fix that. My advice doesn't just apply to this story because this one is your most recent, which tells me that the WAY in which you write here, is how your writing flows in all other works or worse. That is not an insult btw.