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This story is a sequel to Full Friendship's Magic #2 (A Pie's white lie)
Pizza pie got her chance to be different from her Pink cousin. With her new unicorn horn telling them apart. But no chance comes without flaws.
⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ✶✶✶ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯
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Well that escalated quickly
why did luna do something so dumb
12035504
Careless more I say. The ritual spell doesn't belong to her from the beginning.
Hmm, the danger and related conflict is a little more believable than before, but it still feels manufactured, like Pinkie being mad at Discord is irrational (if she truly believes her friends are about to die; she should just be suggesting ways Discord can act without killing, not raging about every metaphorical punch perpetually), and that the worry about Starlight, Rainbow, and Pizza won't amount to anything because the story so far has a history of not even having ponies end up even temporarily injured from the fight (notably this very chapter has Starlight completely unharmed).
It's just kind of a boy-who-cried-wolf situation. I would believe the story's threats more if some of them came to fruition. Even within the Everyone rating, you can still have injuries akin to the show's that can put ponies properly out of commission for a while, such as minor burns (Starlight in the finale) or broken bones (Rainbow in the ep where she first reads Daring Do). Rainbow being bruised and Pizza being seemingly burned up is a start, but it feels a little late, and the latter seems like it's missing a narration statement (we get the strike itself, and then several bits of dialog later we get "smoke-filled space" where she used to be, it's super unclear what Pinkie saw happen etc.).
12089669
I like the way you look at the last chapter and honestly, I have doubts about publishing it. Given my poor writing skills and the gaps between writing these chapters, I sometimes overlook the small details as you mentioned. Arc 3 is one of the hardest for me to write because it has a lot of action and many characters involved. But I will take note of it and be more in-depth with the scenario and Pinkie Pie's uncharacteristic behavior throughout the stories.
Thank you for taking the time to look through it, much appreciated.
12090404
I advise a "less is more" mentality, particularly on fights. Details are bound to go wrong when you have a lot of characters doing a lot of actions over and over. While sometimes you need all the mane 6 and a few others fighting together, those fights really are best being over very fast or else everything gets bogged down. Longer fights also inherently devalue dramatic injury potential, both by just having too many happen, and by not having the ability to finish the fight while someone's still down and in uncertain health.
As for what went wrong with Pinkie, I think the issue in your approach is that you're focused on simply having the conflict, but what really matters is how characters react to it, especially differently from others. If you look at various episodes of FiM, Pinkie tends to either have full-on breakdowns, or act silly, when faced with conflict.
12091058
True, when writing this arc, I made it full on conflict with any sort of conclusion. With the mane 6 in a fight together made me put a lot of words to thus like you said devalues the scenario with no clear signs of injury. For Pinkie Pie, I was planning on making her a bit serious since it's her cousin they're facing. I the idea if having to face a family member in conflict could be personal thus making her act not as her Pinkie self.
Pinkie having a cousin named Pizza Pie is a funny idea and you wanted to make her unlikeable you definitely did a good job.
By the way, how do you pronounce the name of her pet? Ca-lore?
12107651
It's Colours. Her pet is a finishing touch of her foreshadow on mimic Pinkie pie but I didn't include her in her flash back since there's more to the flashback she shared with her friends. Plus making her unlikeable was a running joke since a lot of people back in the brony days hated recolor OC's so it fits her identity crisis and her drastic change.
Ouch.
That’s actually a good point.
greetings. hey i just checked this, too many characters fighting? uyhhmmm? i think i know what's going on....
involving many elements in a conflict tends to deform a lot the narrative flow of a story (which makes the reader lose interest) I think some people use it to end a given moment, but briefly, to give a final impact to a piece of writing, the fact that it goes on for more than 6 paragraphs indicates that probably that was not the intention. To each his own. But the narrative focus is missed.
Now, about the story ... dangerous toys, I guess the discord of this dimension did cross the line by giving away a firearm .... I stand corrected! a horn to a pony. Wait for it... on second thought I think it could be something he does, (or not?) that and it's not usually bad, unless the pony is bad from before... uhmmm
Here ends this story... a personal conflict with characters acting as they can in the face of an out of control pony. Someone said it feels forced. Plus there's the fact of Pinkie's personality and her dialogue.... Well, I already went through that when I wrote a fanfic with similar overtones, so I can assure you that yes, sometimes in a conflict people don't act the way you are used to.
However, it's not a good excuse, and I can tell by the effort to avoid over-understanding this or not understanding it at all. With unnecessary repetition of words and flat interactions that lead nowhere. The reaction of the other characters should be the best contrast to this. Not so much in how they converse, or do, but in their inner thoughts. A few words of thought should be enough to reinforce that idea, 2 or 3 repetitions should be enough. That way the reader gets the idea that something is wrong and that the conflict points to the main character(s).
Then there is the resolution of the conflict in situations like this ... I don't give my opinion because there is not yet ... let's wait.