Mountie Python's Flying Circus

by Locomotion

Story 11: Election Night Special

The Mayor of Ponyville sat in her office, leafing through the papers on her desk as a huge crowd of journalists and news reporters gathered in front of her. As a means of tying in with World Comedy Day, Princesses Celestia and Luna had organised a mock ballot for the election of what they called a Hilarity Government, and the Mayor and a number of aides were waiting to announce the results. After checking through the paperwork, the Mayor looked up and addressed her audience;

“Good evening, and thank you all for coming at such short notice. As you know, the purpose of this election is to decide on the new Hilarity Government, and whether or not it should be allowed to live up to its name,” she announced eagerly. “Excitement is steadily mounting here in Town Hall as we await the first results – we still don't know which constituency it'll come from, the polling has been pretty heavy throughout...wait a moment,” she interrupted herself, “I'm just getting a loud buzzing noise in one ear. Pardon me a second.”

The reporters watched as she held her head over the desk, slapping a hoof against one side again and again until a rather large fly came tumbling out. With a shriek of disgust, the Mayor brushed it off and stomped it flat with a hind hoof. “Anyway, Dr Hooves, what's the first result?” she called out, pretending that nothing had happened.

“Well, Your Worship, this first result comes from here in Ponyville,” replied the brown-furred stallion with equal vigour. “The competition is very much a straight fight between Sensible Party candidate Twilight Sparkle, and Pinkie Pie of the Silly Party who has held this constituency for the last twelve or so years. And the results are – Twilight Sparkle: 10,348...”

The reporters murmured with interest. Twilight may have been a natural leader, but not all of them were convinced that she would be the right pony for a Hilarity Government.

“...and Pinkie Pie: 12,837!”

A chorus of cheers greeted this.

“Well, there you have it,” declared the Mayor, “the first result of the election, and Pinkie Pie has held Ponyville. What do you make of that, Red Tape?”

“Largely as I predicted, Your Worship, except that the Silly Party won!” replied a dull red stallion, his voice equally livid with excitement. “Dare I say, it's probably due to the number of votes cast; after all, we didn't merely restrict the polls to just Ponyville residents. Also, since the last election, a lot of very silly ponies have moved here with the result that sensible voters have moved down the road to...” He quickly leafed through his papers. “...the other side of Puddinghead Lane. Over to you, Amethyst Star.”

To one side of the room stood Amethyst “Sparkler” Star with a chart mounted against the wall, which featured a movable arrow in the centre. “So, there's a swing here to the Silly Party, but I'm not going to tell you how big that swing is,” she responded, “because this is one of three things that should never be discussed in public – money, religion and, most significantly, politics. But I'm sure Cherry Fizzy will be more than happy to share it with you.”

“Yes I am, now you come to mention it,” chimed in Cherry Fizzy, who was standing next to a similar chart and moving the arrow at random, “and the interesting thing here is the big swing to the Silly Party, and of course the equally large swing back to the Sensible Party – and a tendency to wobble up and down in the middle because the screw's loose.”

His attention turned to Royal Riff, who was visibly struggling to think of a response of his own. In the end, he just gave up and said, “I'm afraid I can't think of anything.”

“I can't add anything to that,” stated Vinyl Scratch, who was seated immediately next to him. “What about you, Zephyr Breeze?”

“Can I just interrupt at this point and say this is the first time I've ever appeared in this fanfiction?”

“Sorry, Zephyr,” the Mayor cut in, “but we don't have time. Dr Hooves has just got another result. What about it, Doctor?”

“This one in from Fillydelphia, and this time we're in for a three-way battle between High Brow of the Sensible Party, Horsham Trotter Cattermole Friedrich Sibley McBoing Boing von Livingspace of the Silly Party, and Bouncy Lord Chickasaw of the Slightly Silly Party,” replied Dr Hooves. “And moving onto the results, we have – High Brow: 265,382...”

“Jolly good show,” remarked a particularly haughty reporter, only to be sternly hushed by the others.

“...Bouncy Lord Chickasaw: zero...nought...stuff all...absolute zilch...not a single jot...”

This was met with a round of grumbling and tutting.

“...Horsham Trotter Cattermole Friedrich Sibley McBoing Boing von Livingspace: 680,194.”

“And so the Silly Party has taken Fillydelphia,” declared the Mayor as the reporters raised another cheer, “the first gain of the election! Red Tape, what's your opinion on this?”

“No question about it, Your Worship,” said Red Tape, “this is a highly significant result for this year's election! Normally, Fillydelphia is a very sensible constituency, but now we can see that it's gone completely loco!”

“I heard that!”

“Yes, thank you, Locomotion, and my humble apologies for offending you,” continued the Mayor. “Amethyst, do we have the swing for Fillydelphia?”

“Well, yes and no,” admitted Amethyst. “I've worked out the swing, but due to a pledge of impartiality, I'm obliged to keep it a secret.”

The Mayor paused awkwardly. “Right, well...we'll have to do without the swing then. How about the bling?”

Rarity was also on the panel, and enthusiastically spoke up; “I have the bling right here,” she announced, holding up an extravagant gold necklace with umpteen gemstones, “and my word, does it look magnifique! A full line of 24-carat gold and some of the finest rubies, sapphires, diamonds and ambers have gone into this incredible social and financial statement!”

“And Dr Hooves, do you have anything to say about the sting?”

“Well, it's pH rating is about 5 on the chart, but we've yet to determine whether it contains any specific poisons, so...”

“What do you make of the nylon dot cardigan and plastic mule rest?” asked the Mayor without waiting for him to finish.

“There's no such thing!”

“Thank you, Spike.”

“Might I add at this point,” interjected Rarity, “that the cost of this fine piece of jewellery has skyrocketed over the past few seconds, and now works out at 60 trillion bits!”

“Meanwhile, the election's really beginning to hot up now!” Cherry Fizzy was still playing about with the arrow on his chart, swinging it back and forth and even trying to see how many turns he could get out of it in a single spin.

“I can't add anything to that,” said Vinyl again.

Zephyr Breeze, anxious for a bit of extra dialogue, promptly tried to steal the scene. “Can I just point out that this is only the second time I've ever appeared in this fanfiction?” he asked.

“Not right now, I'm afraid, because another result has just come in.” The Mayor turned to Spike. “Seeing as you haven't had any real role in this story, Spike, would you like to read out the result?”

“My pleasure!” grinned Spike, and took the proffered document. “Right, so we're in Delamare for this one, and this is a key seat, because aside from the usual Sensible and Silly Parties, we have an independent Very Silly candidate who may well split the Silly vote. So far, the Silly Party have held this seat with iron hooves, but tonight...well, we'll just have to see. Giggles McCrowbar, Silly Party: 26,317...”

The reporters applauded.

“...Liberal Cabinet, Sensible Party: 26,318...”

“That was a close one,” observed one of the reporters.

“...Jutland Sable Harrier Dingle Dangle Dongle Frisian Frippery...” Spike made two pops with his lips, “...Cobbler Street Porter Frisian Marmalade Sandwich...” Next, he picked up a kazoo from the table and blew a short tune. “...Morgan Horseradish von Eisenbahnwagen We Are The Champions Norman Trotter...” Next up was a round on a siren whistle that he had also brought with him. “...Shelby Mustang Fjord Ex-Parrot My Past Is Not To...” Bang! Bang! Bang! Three blank shots rang out from the pistol he was now using. “...Gypsy Tinker Faroe...” Finally, he gave a blow on a pea whistle before finishing. “...Spotted Dick Turpin: 2.”

The reporters clamoured in amazement at that final result.

“That's a Sensible gain in Delamare,” said the Mayor. “Red Tape, what have you got to say about that?”

“Well, I've just heard from Delamare...that my aunt has been taken ill. Possibly horn flu, possibly just a case of the sniffles. Amethyst?”

“Well, if this were repeated across the whole country, the results would be very messy, so I'll have to keep you in the dark again.”

“Can I just butt in at this point,” interrupted Zephyr Breeze, “and say that this'll probably be the last time I shall ever appear in any of this author's fanfictions?”

“Too late, Zephyr, because we're almost at the end of the story. Just to bring you up to date with a few results that you might have missed,” continued the Mayor, “Gladmane has lost Las Pegasus to the will of the Equestrian public in general, and because of that, Great Fun has been voted in. Also, despite not standing for election, the Great and Powerful Trixie has taken nearby Portpaddock; that's a gain from Ace Point and the Pointlessly Sporty Party, and Allie Way and Tenpin Strike have just taken Umbrage, so that could mean trouble. Apparently the Crystal Empire isn't swinging at all, but Moseley Orange has taken Manehattan for the Fruity Gossip Party, while a small bale of hay about that big, a cheese mechanic from Rainbow Falls and two frogs – one called Kipper, the other not – have all gone 'Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni, Ni' in Central Canterlot, so at the moment, it looks like we're in for a landslide Silly Party victory and another five years of ridiculous behaviour as the Changeling Inquisition home in on us for one last fling!”

“I didn't expect the Changeling Inquisition!” exclaimed Royal Riff. But evidently everypony in the room did, for they all turned towards the door to await the three changelings' entrance...

---

Some distance away, on the other side of the Everfree Forest, three red changeling sprang into the air and flew in the general direction of Ponyville. They had run a long way, and were so worn out that it came as a relief when a flying chariot came into view. Cardinal Butterfly swooped in and addressed the pony pulling it; “Two...uh, three for Ponyville Town Hall, please,” he requested as his confederates took their seats.

He was just paying the fare when Cardinal Puff Puff Puff pointed frantically ahead of them. “They've started rolling the credits!” he cried.

“Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!” urged the changelings. The chariot pony gathered speed, but nearly three quarters of the credits went by before they were within range. Without waiting to land, they sprang off the chariot and zoomed into the hall, their hooves screeching like rubber tyres as they hit the ground. Butterfly hastily burst through the office door and shouted out loud.

“Nopony expects the cha...”

THE END

“Oh, bugger!”