The Force
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This is okay but you could really use an editor. There's lots of repetition of points and even Applejack's name when its unnecessary.
11664434
I haven't used an editor in years
11664776
Consider this passage near the beginning for starters:
Applejack stopped to survey the hardware store ahead, making sure it was the right one on her list, when she felt a tap on her shoulder. Two overly sexualized mares were standing behind her, sporting looks that seemed right at home on the cover of a magazine. Her cousin they called her, but Applejack recognized them for what they were. Girls like these were always hanging around her fashionable friend Rarity, and Applejack was intimately familiar with their type. Before Applejack could correct them, her lips involuntarily twisted into a pout. These girls had done something to her, and she wasn't sure what.
Rose quartz and Beauty Star are going to give you the makeover of your dreams cousin!"
I would change it to:
While stopping to survey the hardware store ahead, making sure it was the right one on her list, she felt a tap on her shoulder. Two overly sexualized mares were standing behind her, sporting looks that seemed right at home on the cover of a stallion's magazine. They called her "cousin," but Applejack recognized them for what they were; girls like these were always hanging around her fashionable friend Rarity and Applejack was intimately familiar with their type. Before she could correct them, her lips involuntarily twisted into a pout. These girls had done something to her, and she wasn't sure what.
"Cousin, Rose Quartz and Beauty Star are, like, going to give you the makeover of your dreams!" they said with flighty voices in near-unison.
Notice any differences?
11665002
Slight differences, you changed one part from third to first person, and add a bit more description that the 2 mares looked like ones you'd find on a dirty mag, and you added a edit to the dialogue of Rose and Beauty the person who requested this didn't have a problem with it.