Electro Spark

by Joshweiser22

Credits

Actual Show Credits:

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic:

Created by:

Lauren Faust

Written by:

Lauren Faust

Amy Keating Rogers

Cindy Morrow

Chris Savino

Meghan McCarthy

Charlotte Fullerton

M. A. Fullerton

Dave Polsky

Merriwether Williams

Directed by:

Jayson Thiessen

James Wootton

Executive Producers:

Lauren Faust

Chris Bartleman

Blair Peters

Kirsten Newlands

Beth Stevenson

Stephen Davis

Composers:

William Kevin Anderson

Daniel Ingram

Steffan Andrews

Voice Actors:

Tara Strong

Ashleigh Ball

Andrea Libman

Tabitha St. Germain

Cathy Weseluck

Nicole Oliver

Michelle Creber

Meadeleine Peters

Claire Corlett

John de Lancie

Production Companies:

DHX Media/Vancouver

Hasbro Studios

Top Draw Animation

Distributor:

The Hub

FanFiction Credits:

Written by:

Joshua Simon

Shows Used:

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

Disclaimer:

I do not own the rights to anything that is or is related to My Little Pony.

Final Comment:

Thank you to everyone who read and enjoyed my fanfiction! It was so much fun to write this fanfiction so I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you again!

Comments

[Poniponiponi]

No.
Take your bad OCs elsewhere.

[Strumfreak]

i.imgur.com/ILfNp.gif

[Mashmaster]

i.imgur.com/3PufH.png

[nopeavi]

dash.ponychan.net/chan/files/src/132927800613.jpg

[Pen Brush]

judging by the comments and the likes dislikes....im not going to read this sorry

[Whisper The Saint]

Your description is 500+ words... bigger than a chapter. You should shrink it so it only contains the main ideas of the history.

And your chapters are a bit short. You could make them bigger.

There were some spelling mistakes, also. You should get a proofreader or use an auto corrector.

Lastly, I read about your history... I liked it.

But that is because I really don't mind self insert OCs. When you make an OC history, you have to give the reader a reason why he would like to read about him.

I hope you can keep improving! And keep safe.

[appletini]

1342565 I concur. This is good advice to follow. This fic isn't all that terrible, although the description was a bit long winded and that'll come across as a shock to a lot of people. I would suggest creating a 'prologue' of sorts and posting most of that info in there. You could even title it 'History' or something like that.

As for the story I found it to be, for the most part, well written. A few typos here and there, such as this part in the last paragraph in the first chapter. (My edits in red)

And I forgot to mention how everypony bullied me. They thought I was stupid because I didn't know how to write, even though I could clearly write words on paper. I never tried to do anything wrong. But everypony hated me for it regardless back then. Of course, this was only pre-school! Things got even worse in Kindergarten. period here, not comma However, there was a certain pony who always knew how to cheer me up...

It's simple stuff and I would suggest finding an editor/prereader to quickly skim over things and correct all the little mistakes like this. There are a lot of people here willing to do so, and I find a good group to check out for that stuff is Looking for Editors.

Again, I've only read the first chapter but I found it enjoyable to read. It's not gonna be to everyone's taste being, from what I can tell, a story that only follows OC's. But I don't think it should be getting the hate it is either.

~AJIBP Mod of TWE~

[Dark Lightning]

HOLY SHIT, long ass description much?

[Navy Shadow]

i.imgur.com/Y2glM.png

[Patient X]

Hmm...your description seems longer than your first chapter.

[UnweptSchlipps]

So...how's it going? Time for me to give you my two cents.

Your description is...incredibly long and confusing. The point of the description is to catch the reader's eye by telling a few key points, not to summarize the entire story. After reading the description, it was like there was no point in reading the actual story because you spoiled everything. I'd suggest you change that right away. Like, RIGHT NOW. And another thing about your cover is that people don't like seeing Pony Creator as your cover pic. I personally hate when people judge like that, but that's just the way things are.

Second, and this has been touched on before, the chapters need to be longer. Not too long, but maybe at least one thousand words. I've told this advice many times before, and I'll say it again: you need to flesh out your characters, and doing that with five-hundred word chapters isn't going to do your OC justice. Wrote an OC fic myself, I know what I'm talking about.

No need for credits. We know you didn't make MLP, and we know who the voice actors are.

And while we're on the subject of characters, you've got...quite a few of them. Like...a lot of them. It seemed as though every chapter introduced four more characters into your ever-growing list of OCs. It's a lot of ponies to keep track of, and that's something readers don't want to do. Why should I care about the numerous random characters if they only appear in, like, two chapters? It's kinda tedious if you ask me.

There's also a few grammar problems here and there, but that's simple stuff that I won't get into. It wasn't the grammar issues that earned my frustration, it was the crazy plot. I understand you want your OC to have an exciting history, isn't that what every pony creator wants? But there's just so much to follow crammed into such tiny little space! Perhaps if you lengthened it out, it wouldn't be so tiring and difficult to read. I seriously hate saying this (LIKE, REALLY REALLY HATE THIS), but this is a site for authors and readers to scrounge out stories and see if they exceed their expectations. Read some good fanfics and see what makes them good, and try to incorporate them into your story. You're not only writing to please yourself, but for the thousands on this site as well. But for now, it falls pretty short of its mark.

Find someone to help you fix this up. Don't let the dislikes turn you away from the writing world. Instead, think of it as a challenge to get better. And if you do improve, you'll be so much better off in the long run.

Giving you my best unwept wishes
~Schlippy

[SosukeRyou]

cdn.crushable.com/files/2012/08/1_I_Dont_Want_to_Live_on_This_Planet_Anymore-s500x282-295658-580.jpg

[OtterMatt]

Your description makes me weep. It rambles like none other, is OBSCENELY long, and isn't even a synopsis, because it just flat out tells you every damn thing ever. Your OC makes me want to die before I've even met him, and I can tell at a glance that you put no thought into names, places, or plots. I hold no hope for the writing itself, but I'd never stick around to find out.
And since just the DESCRIPTION is that bad, I'd rather nail my own member to a burning log than read this story.
Normally, I'd feel bad about saying this, but in this case, I don't.
t.qkme.me/3qpnx0.jpg

[Whisper The Saint]

"Find someone to help you fix this up. Don't let the dislikes turn you away from the writing world. Instead, think of it as a challenge to get better. And if you do improve, you'll be so much better off in the long run." <- From Schlippy comment.

There is no greater advice people can give you. Please take this at heart.

[bucknorris]

I think I hear a train coming...

[Thorlol]

Electro Spark introduces her immediate family and starts talking about her first years of school of which weren't so good.
She also talks about Dirty McDirtson, her best childhood friend. She was bullied all the time but Dirty was always there for her. Despite one day aquiring his cutie mark before Electro had hers, he continued to stay her friend. Her Grandma, however, was getting a vision of the
future. Something terrible was going to happen to Electro, but she didn't know what.
At eight years old, Dirty finally blew his top and was completely jealous of Electro. Due to his young age, he couldn't cope with it and tried to kill Electro in a power plant using electricity but only ended up knocking both of them unconscious. That was when Electro got her cutie mark - a Tesla coil.
After the incident with Dirty, Electro didn't want to stay in Canterlot anymore in order to avoid run-ins with Dirty so instead she moved to Ponyville where she began to make new friends like Shadow Flash, Hunter, and Golden Rod. She also met Kuroi Shiroi and Fire Sparkle along with Hunter's daughter Sheila, and a friend of Hunter's, Slash.
She continues to meet more characters like Light Spark, Sonic Blitz, and Bess who were helping Sheila recover from a sickness. Some ponies named Sparx, Pluto, and Fireblaze were bullying her at the hospital but another pony was trying to help called Snow Eyes. A pony named Tail Sword only made things worse. She found out that Hunter had ponio and it could kill him. Later, she met Mattias Nilsson who also tried to kill her and her friends, along with Derpy Hooves and Pinkie Pie. Her brother Thunder Shock came to visit as well. She also met Jette Black and Plasma bolt who were dating.
After a while of not seeing Shadow Flash, Electro reconnects with him. A pony named Carson was trying to cure Hunter's ponio. She got split into two ponies after she drank a potion that Kuroi made me. She got cider from the first time from Applejack and met Twilight Sparkle. She met Shadow Flame and Fire Heart who were siblings along with Star Swirl who had just opened a new store of which she bought many things using Thunder Shock's money. Another friend of her's, named Titanium Trance opened up a store called Ty's Tunes.
Soon, someone was in Ponyville. It was Dirty McDirtson. After talkign to him a while, she allowed him to apologize and they became friends once more. There were spirits called Aka and Ao who were possesing different ponies but she ran before they could posses her. During hearts and hooves day, there was a lot of commotion with a love potion.
She fought a Hydra with the help of Rai, Free Kick, Blue Thrush, and Sky Dasha, along with Hunter. It turned out fine until she found out that Hunter wasn't actually Sheila's father, he was her brother! They were being mean to each other so she tried electrocuting him, but instead fell off a cliff, fell unconscious, and then fall into a coma.

Your story in a nutshell. I made the same mistake the first time. Shorten it a lot.

[Loki]

She fought a Hydra with the help of Rai, Free Kick, Blue Thrush, and Sky Dasha, along with Hunter. It turned out fine until she found out that Hunter wasn't actually Sheila's father, he was her brother! They were being mean to each other so she tried electrocuting him, but instead fell off a cliff, fell unconscious, and then fall into a coma.

What is. I don't even.

Too many characters, really!

[Axel Nyan]

Hmm... Judging from the fact that I see many dislikes and many hatin' comments... I'm gonna read this.

My expectations: *List of stuff I am expecting just from what I know, and what most readers would know before reading your story.*

1) Self Insert OC
2) Fkin OC Mary Sue
3) Too much B.S. info on stuff we have no need of knowing.
4) Semi-Ok Grammar.
5) This fiction MIGHT get horrible halfway.

Let's see if you can beat THESE expectations... Be back after I've read.

[Cobalt Swirls]

For this story, there are two main points that need to be addressed:

1) Your description. It's been said before, but it is highly advised that chop it down to a reasonable length. Remember, the description should only give your readers a broad overview of what's going on. Your story itself should provide the actually detailed information. This will also help you increase your chapter lengths.

2) OC's. As the author of a HiE fanfiction, I'm going to tell you right now that incorporating an OC of any kind into a workable story is a challenge. I would highly suggest writing a few stories usually only canon characters before developing an OC to work into a storyline. It's difficult as anything, but if you pull it off, and you pull it off right, the results can be phenominal.

~Swirls

[xDan]

Description is 500+ words.
Your longest chapter is 1,798 words.

Have you read a real book? Like, a real book? One with a publishing company, a title page, a cover and everything?

Yeah, I thought not.

[Evil Homer]

Everybody else has said what needs to be said already so I'll just leave this:
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22412082.jpg

[Dubs Rewatcher]

1344409

i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u400/DubsRewatcher/uwotm8.gif

Dude, stop it. That's the second time I've seen you do that.

[Axel Nyan]

1344226 Hory shet! Surprised to see you here. And of course, you're here with good advice and support.

[Whisper The Saint]

1346623

Thank you.

It means a lot for me.

[Csquared08]

1346581
Pro-tip: A "cannon" fires off large metal balls, usually to destroy castle walls or ships. The word you're looking for is "canon." (And also "fanon," not "fannon")

Cheers.

[Axel Nyan]

1347992 Pro-tip taken, sorry 'bout that mistake, I get that confuzzled a lot.

[Csquared08]

1348105
No problem, sir.

[moviemaster8510]

1344409 And it's coming right for your cunt.

[Calirolls]

Electro Spark introduces her immediate family and starts talking about her first years of school of which weren't so good.
She also talks about Dirty McDirtson, her best childhood friend. She was bullied all the time but Dirty was always there for her. Despite one day aquiring his cutie mark before Electro had hers, he continued to stay her friend. Her Grandma, however, was getting a vision of the
future. Something terrible was going to happen to Electro, but she didn't know what.
At eight years old, Dirty finally blew his top and was completely jealous of Electro. Due to his young age, he couldn't cope with it and tried to kill Electro in a power plant using electricity but only ended up knocking both of them unconscious. That was when Electro got her cutie mark - a Tesla coil.
After the incident with Dirty, Electro didn't want to stay in Canterlot anymore in order to avoid run-ins with Dirty so instead she moved to Ponyville where she began to make new friends like Shadow Flash, Hunter, and Golden Rod. She also met Kuroi Shiroi and Fire Sparkle along with Hunter's daughter Sheila, and a friend of Hunter's, Slash.
She continues to meet more characters like Light Spark, Sonic Blitz, and Bess who were helping Sheila recover from a sickness. Some ponies named Sparx, Pluto, and Fireblaze were bullying her at the hospital but another pony was trying to help called Snow Eyes. A pony named Tail Sword only made things worse. She found out that Hunter had ponio and it could kill him. Later, she met Mattias Nilsson who also tried to kill her and her friends, along with Derpy Hooves and Pinkie Pie. Her brother Thunder Shock came to visit as well. She also met Jette Black and Plasma bolt who were dating.
After a while of not seeing Shadow Flash, Electro reconnects with him. A pony named Carson was trying to cure Hunter's ponio. She got split into two ponies after she drank a potion that Kuroi made me. She got cider from the first time from Applejack and met Twilight Sparkle. She met Shadow Flame and Fire Heart who were siblings along with Star Swirl who had just opened a new store of which she bought many things using Thunder Shock's money. Another friend of her's, named Titanium Trance opened up a store called Ty's Tunes.
Soon, someone was in Ponyville. It was Dirty McDirtson. After talkign to him a while, she allowed him to apologize and they became friends once more. There were spirits called Aka and Ao who were possesing different ponies but she ran before they could posses her. During hearts and hooves day, there was a lot of commotion with a love potion.
She fought a Hydra with the help of Rai, Free Kick, Blue Thrush, and Sky Dasha, along with Hunter. It turned out fine until she found out that Hunter wasn't actually Sheila's father, he was her brother! They were being mean to each other so she tried electrocuting him, but instead fell off a cliff, fell unconscious, and then fall into a coma.

HOLY HOOTS!
How is this a description? I mean.. I think the writer put more effort into the description than her OWN story!

[Eliseo221]

...Uh...