Butterfly's Story

Drago Cadenza

Drago Cadenza #1 · Apr 15th, 2023 · 7 · · Runaway ·

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What the Hell did I just read?

Orderly Disassembly

Orderly Disassembly #2 · Apr 15th, 2023 · 3 · · Runaway ·

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You’re gonna want an alternate universe tag, and say that the characters are ooc.

RainbowFucktory

RainbowFucktory #3 · Apr 15th, 2023 · · · Runaway ·

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11557583
Ok thanks for the feedback :)

That One Strange Fellow

That One Strange Fellow #4 · Apr 15th, 2023 · 9 · 2 · Runaway ·

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##### Chapter 1 #####

He laughed and wrapped his spiny red tail around her and the baby. "You know I'm just joking. We need to give her a name, any ideas?" Fluttershy thought for a bit, looking down at the yellowy pink pony and cradling her. "Well, you did say she looked a lot like me. I think we should name her after something like Fluttershy. It would be cute."

New paragraph, new speaker!

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

There's this little near thing called a 'line break.' Might want to consider it rather than... this. [hr]

As the years passed by young Butterfly grew up into a happy foal. She was now five years old and was adored by both her parents greatly. Despite being more like her mother, Butterfly felt closer to her father Discord. She didn't really know why, maybe it was a telepathic thing the two shared with each other. Fluttershy taught her almost everything about animals and gardening, which became Butterfly's two greatest passions in life. Usually she would help her out by planting new seedlings into the dirt or by nursing little critters back to health. Her favorite animal were bunnies. Baby bunnies.

SHOW, DON'T TELL, DAMN IT! This could have been an entire chapter worth of storytelling on its own! Instead, it's this short chapter!

"Standing on her two backlegs, similar to her father had she waved her hooves around, creating a tiny pink smoke cloud. "Look, I'm blah blah blah

That double-quote is feeling a little out-of-place.

"Oh sweet Celestia he's not!" Fluttershy gasped in alarm as she caught sight of Discord and Butterfly playing around with chaos magic together. How could he be so inconsiderate? chaos magic was extremely dangerous, and Fluttershy told him to keep Butterfly's powers a secret. If anypony found out she had them they could be banished from Ponyville for life! throwing the teacup back onto the table, not caring if it spilled or not she raced out the door and called out to them.

lol wat? Since when is Discord, or the Elements of Harmony, ever subject to the traditional laws of the land when it comes to unique circumstances? Sounds contrived as buck to me.

Butterfly pushed away from her in surprise. "W-What!? so if I don't learn all daddy's magic I will be evil?" Fluttershy straightened herself up. "No! he's lying and you know it. Your not a monster, your my beautiful daughter who I love very much. You know what. I'm going to divorce him so it'll just be us."

Contrivance indeed. First of all, is Fluttershy a bucking idiot? This is... Ugh! This feels like there should be more to it, but no, there isn't. The chapter is too short and too fast for anything to receive development.

##### Chapter 2 #####

Satan

Am I... missing something? Did Christianity seep into MLP while I wasn't looking? BUCKING SATAN?! Also, you know, the whole paragraph is still a disaster. Celestia couldn't do a damn thing to Discord, and certainly Twilight and the others would see Discord's logic of teaching his daughter how to control her magic. Unless... you made them just as moronic as Fluttershy.

It was the very reason Rarity kept turning down Spike and why he killed himself afterward.

kek. Also, this is clearly going Alternative Universe. With this much concentrated idiocy, I'm genuinely curious what other piece of this train wreck comes next.

"But-but it's just fun mommy! I promise i'd never hurt anypony with it!" she begged. Fluttershy turned her tail on her and snatched her telephone to tell her friends about the news and why they have to be careful of her ex-husband now. "Too bad, I don't want to see anymore of that. You don't understand Butterfly, I could have you taken away from me and you could be locked away in the Canterlot Dungeons if anybody finds out about this." she ranted, dialing the phone numbers of all her friends.

Oh, now it makes sense. EVERYPONY ARE IDIOTS! This is some super-charged canon-breaking content in this story. Not sure what I was expecting, honestly.

She thought it suited them both. Rainbow hadn't been the same since Rainbine, her older sister had killed Scootaloo in a school shooting.

kek x2

"I-I'm sorry Fluttershy, but if you want to keep her safe and her magic thing a secret i'm afraid you don't have any other choice than to give her to a new home. Like a new mom."

Probably would be for the best at this point. Fluttershy seems to be suffering from severe paranoia, and even RD out of all friends can see through Fluttershy's madness. Or maybe not...

"Tree? well if she is okay with living trees then.." Fluttershy thought, looking at Butterfly as she used her magic to lift up the top of Dashes mane. "I guess so. Fine. I will do it." Fluttershy gave in. "Ill get rid of her."
"Good." Rainbow said. "It's the right choice." and with that she got up and left the home. "Bye Fluttershy. Bye Butterfly."

The Elements of Kindness and Loyalty, everypony.

##### Chapter 3 #####

A month passed by and Butterfly was confident to say that her two sisters wanted nothing to do with her at all. They were a bunch of bullies, constantly picking on her and kicking her down.

~It's the hard knock life for us~

Butterfly became irritated by her fostermom's stupidity.

I feel you, Butterfly. I feel you...

##### Chapter 4 #####

Violight's mouth dropped to the ground in horror. "EWW I HATE THIS!" but fostermom grabbed Tree next because he can't run away as fast as the others and shoved him right up Violight's ass making him come through her chest and Tree died.

kek x3. The fact she was alive at all is a miracle, but then again, this world is operating with """logic""" that would make Discord proud.

11557556
I don't know about you, but I got some chuckles.

...

In all seriousness? This story... It's shit. Grammar and spelling weren't the worst, but certainly not good (Capitalization being awful in areas. You know, you're supposed to capitalize every word at the start of new sentence, right?). Formatting was below reasonable (NEW PARAGRAPH, NEW SPEAKER), description seemed to be something you're allergic to (lacking in almost every area), showing something happening seemed to be taken as a suggestion rather than rule (show, don't tell abuse), pacing was a complete and utter mess (far too fast), and let's not talk about the story. Or let's.

Total out-of-character actions (all three present canon characters, honestly), lackluster world-building (ties into description issues), god-awful characterization (I'mMa RaPe YoU nOw being one of those I snorted at), and generally a whirlwind of idiocy and contrivance. Normally I wouldn't be this harsh, but without a story to redeem, it deserves every last downvote.

Recommendation? Burn it down, start again. From the very top, pull out the roots, burn them, use their ashes in the fertilizer for the rework if you genuinely care about the quality of your writing. The flaws are so inherent within the story that it's beyond redemption without a total do-over. This reads more like a shitfic than it does one that's trying to be taken seriously. For more specific advice, see also every single example of good storytelling and every single guide out there on writing.

I would say good luck... but this isn't a matter than can be fixed with luck. You have a lot to work on if you want to improve the quality of your writing.

Also...

Flutterhy's daughter's story, and how she was abandoned by her mother at a young age.

You misspelled 'Fluttershy' in the short description.

Dragon Shimmer

Dragon Shimmer #5 · Apr 15th, 2023 · 3 · · Runaway ·

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11557613
A rage review of this story. I love it

Comment posted by SockPuppet deleted Apr 15th, 2023

Comment posted by Damaged deleted Apr 16th, 2023

RainbowFucktory

RainbowFucktory #8 · Apr 15th, 2023 · · 2 · Punished ·

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11557791
what can I say just is a kickass word

Mpony1

Mpony1 #9 · Apr 16th, 2023 · 1 · 3 · Runaway ·

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This story has great potential. But the writing is just all over the place. It really makes it hard to enjoy majority of the scenes or make sense of them.

There are many fun moments throughout, but everything just feels rush and happens way too fast to give readers a chance to really enjoy a single scene.

The rape scenes are actually my favorite part of the story, but they lack any real context.

Like majority of the scenes. They come and go way too quickly, not really enough build up or time to really linger on them.

Mpony1

Mpony1 #10 · Apr 16th, 2023 · 1 · · Punished ·

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"SORRY THAT YOUR FOSTERMOM FAILED TO TAKE YOUR VIRGINITY BUT I CAN!" "EWWW!" butterfly said trying to get away but couldn't.

I'm surprised that wasn't part of her punishment. They could have taken Butterfly to the prison and locked her in a room alone with her foster mom and let her rape her.

With how horrible everyone is to Butterfly. Of course, the cops will allow this no problem.

RainbowFucktory

RainbowFucktory #11 · Apr 16th, 2023 · · · Runaway ·

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11558482
I love it! this is way better than my chapter, can I add this to my story? I think it's really good :)
oh, and another question, are you going to do a rewrite of the punishment chapter too?

Mpony1

Mpony1 #12 · Apr 16th, 2023 · · · Punished ·

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11558591
Go ahead

I'm going to need more time for the other one though.

RainbowFucktory

RainbowFucktory

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