- Member Since 1st Mar, 2023
- offline last seen April 21st
SpringyTwist
I'm just here to write dark, hardcore smut. If I make you cum feel free to let me know.
SpringyTwist
Joined 1st Mar, 2023 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Crensler · 11k words · 103 17 · 4.9k views
- Wintermist · 7.3k words · 355 36 · 20k views
- Dice Warwick · 37k words · 43 6 · 1k views
- NotaPonyPerson · 56k words · 251 48 · 6.9k views
- LewdChapter · 5k words · 209 36 · 12k views
- Dr Sharaz Jek · 4.1k words · 11k views
- underrated Drake · 26k words · 96 15 · 3.7k views
- Third Wheel · 22k words · 174 28 · 6k views
Featured In9
Clopfics11,558 stories ·15,817 members
Dark8,338 stories ·3,769 members
Rape2,197 stories ·3,949 members
Everything Dark and Grim1,794 stories ·935 members
Grimdark Tails591 stories ·440 members
Dark Side Of Equestria2,078 stories ·677 members
Absolutely Disgusting12,205 stories ·606 members
Edgy Group of Edginess 1,539 stories ·244 members
Stats
Page generated in 0.09 seconds
Total duration
1,083 users online
2,383,068 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You might want to change the rating from 'everyone' to 'teen' or 'mature,' particularly if it's going to entail older themes and especially porn down the line.
11532800
Thanks for pointing that out. It's supposed to be labeled mature and I just flubbed that. Sorry! Think I fixed it now~
It is a very interesting start.
I'd say you rushed your main character's personality quirks to the fore a bit too quickly. The first few paragraphs were basically exposition, as the reader was subjected to her internal monologue. A more effective technique would have been to have these quirks revealed through her interactions with another character so that they are shown to the reader, instead of being told. If you're not familiar with the standard writing rule of fiction, it's "show, don't tell."
"Telling" your readers facts breaks immersion, so they are not engaged in the story. We're still outsiders with no real involvement. "Showing," on the other hand, brings us into the story, puts us into the environment, or in this case the room, and allows us to see, smell, hear and experience everything the characters experience.
One final note. In dialogue, you should always start a new paragraph whenever you have a new speaker. It is confusing when you have more than one speaker in the same paragraph, for I wasn't sure who was speaking. I had to go back and reread the dialogue to parse the meaning, and that's a big no-no if you want to engage your readers. There's a Writing Guide here on this site that should help.
As I said, it's not a bad start. I'll be keeping an eye on your progress with this one.
11532963
Hey there! I appreciate the feedback!
You're right about the beginning of the story being exposition but that's what I was going for. I was trying a technique that hopefully conveyed a sort of 'oooh look at me!' attitude. The idea is that she just enters the room and is all 'ooh look at my mane look at my tail look at my dress look how beautiful I am~!' just sort of dwelling on herself like a self-obsessed twat. It's just something I tried for this story and honestly probably won't use it again.
As for the dialogue thing, oofl.. I get a lot of feedback telling me to separate the dialogue into its own paragraphs but I just personally dislike that format. I don't really have a good reason either, just something about making that many paragraphs, especially for really light dialogue, it just doesn't sit right with me. Maybe I'll start doing it for the longer dialogue though. I was just hoping the context of the paragraph and words being spoken would be enough to guide the reader.
Maybe I'm not as good at context as I was thinking so I'll keep that in mind and maybe edit stuff a little. I do want engagement after all. As for exposition I kind of model my narration around the main character of the story so I'll be trying different approaches. This one may not have landed as well as I hoped but maybe with the new context it works a little better. Here's hoping~
I think it's a promising start. Try not to be bothered by the drive-by downvoters, besides the rushed character introduction (which I didn't find NEARLY as bad as a lot of stories) and the iffy dialogue spacing, this seems neat enough to keep tabs on.
11533184
The whole first paragraph exposition was supposed to establish Luminous' character and how when she enters a room she's expecting everypony to turn their head and focus on just how beautiful she is. It was a conscious choice for the sake of this character's narration but it seems I might have not done as good a job as I hoped. I appreciate the feedback and encouragement though~
You ever get pyrite dumped all over you by a stallion that doesn't know when to stop?
Luminous Chiffon members.
Really hoping to see more of this eventually
11575158
Thanks that's actually really encouraging. I got a chunk of the next chapter written, debating on making this two or three chapters. I got a lot going in my life that keeps me really fatigued all the time when I have free time but I'm trying to get back into this. It's really neat that you're eager, hope to have something for you soon~
11582684
Happy to hear that, and by all means take all the time you need to write it as you feel fit! Glad to hear it's still in your thoughts