Broken relationships and dreams

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Lighting Dust starts to regret what she has done during the Wonderbolt's academy training. She then later apologizes to the ponies she hurt.

I don't own the cover art or MLP, they belong to their rightful owners.

Chapters (4)

Chapter 1- Regrets · 12th Feb 2023 · 677 words
677
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Chapter 2- The plan · 12th Feb 2023 · 278 words
278
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Chapter 3- I'm sorry · 12th Feb 2023 · 703 words
703
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Chapter 4- That Evening · 12th Feb 2023 · 131 words
131
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Comments ( 13 )

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Turbotune

Turbotune #1 · Feb 12th, 2023 · · · Chapter 1- Regrets ·

That's an intersting and emotional opening, but……

Thanks to God for helping me make this.

Um, the story is not a first-person narrative, why is this in the narration? If it's about writing this then wouldn't it be better if it is in the author's notes?

Turbotune

Turbotune #2 · Feb 12th, 2023 · · · Chapter 2- The plan ·

The pink mare asked, "What do you want, you want to try to kill us again just to prove your worth that doesn't exist?"

Strange……That does't sound very Pinkie Pie to hold a grouch like this.

She sleeps for the night, she plans to host a party and announced to everypony at that party that what she did wan't right and hope that they will forgive her and that they will let her rejoin the Wonderbolts again.

And I am not sure why would her first reflex is to do a party, she's not Moondancer here.
And why does she think this way? She's a bit immature and reckless for pulling that stunt, but I don't think she's really naive.

Comment posted by Turbotune deleted January 11th

Turbotune

Turbotune #4 · Feb 12th, 2023 · · · Chapter 4- That Evening ·

Glad that everything become well from being hated by everyone in the end in such short time!
Too bad real life is waaay more complicated. Thus, I just feel lots of confusion.

InfiniteDreams

InfiniteDreams #5 · Feb 19th, 2023 · · · Chapter 2- The plan ·

I really like the idea of this story, but it feels to me like they are quite out of character 😂 it's a great concept though 💕

Argonaut44

Argonaut44 #6 · Mar 4th, 2023 · · · Chapter 4- That Evening ·

I like the concept! Keep up the good work
Some things maybe to work on - #1 thing is it's too quick! Take your time to develop the characters and the conflict, so that the payoff at the end can hit even harder. Also, stick with one verb tense when you write. Switching between past and present can be a little jolting.
Good job, I liked it!

Anonymous15

Anonymous15 #7 · Mar 5th, 2023 · 1 · · Chapter 4- That Evening ·

11521238
Thanks.
Also can you tell me how I could develop the characters and the conflict, please?

Argonaut44

Argonaut44 #8 · Mar 5th, 2023 · 1 · · Chapter 4- That Evening ·

11522695

There's a lot of ways to approach writing dynamic characters, but this is how I see things - the first thing you've got to start with is the character's motivations. What do they want, and why? How do they see the world, and why do they see it that way? The answers to those questions will inform every decision and action the character makes in the story. To develop a character, the answers to those questions are going to have to change. Conflict is the means by which a character can undergo that change. Conflict is the story. Lightning Dust, in this story, decides to apologize to Rainbow, which is a major character shift that needs to feel a lot more earned. Her even being willing to put aside her pride, accept responsibility, and come to grips with herself is a super important piece of development in itself, and needs a lot more set-up. Another conflict is Rainbow being willing to forgive Lightning or not, something that in the story also needs to feel more earned. I think you have good ideas, you just need to add more depth to the characters and beef up the set-ups to the conflicts.

Anonymous15

Anonymous15 #9 · Mar 5th, 2023 · · · Chapter 4- That Evening ·

11522829
Okay, Thanks!
have a good day.

The Blue EM2

The Blue EM2 #10 · Mar 21st, 2023 · · · Chapter 1- Regrets ·

It was dark outside, it was about 9:00pm, most ponies in Equestia are asleep, escaping reality and entering the dream world. Most ponies in Equestia were happy and enjoying the nightlife, except for a certain turquoise mare with an orange mane.

This contradicts itself. If most ponies are asleep, how then can most ponies be enjoying the nightlife?

AvoidingFever17