As a member of the Gold Horseshoe Gals - Rainbow Dash hangs out with the Grannies every year and they've gotten to know each other better!
Until now.
Future Rainbow Dash recalls all the times she had with the grannies with somepony. Photos of them were taken on all of their adventures away from Ponyville to other places all over Equestria.
Takes place in the future and was inspired by the Grannies gone wild episode (Season 8 Episode 5)
There's a little bit of romance in this.
[APPLEDASH]
Chapters (1)
I like this. It short, cute, sweet- AppleDash -and had Dash as the focus. I’ll be fair, the ending got very cliche. Not that that’s a bad thing! In fact, self-aware cliche is one of my personal favorite writing techniques. Here, it’s pretty good! Nothing too much if you ask me, and it delivers where it’s supposed to.
A few things though;
I feel like you can reduce the "Rainbow Dash" usage a bit. By that I mean, instead of using her full name, use nicknames? For example, Dash or Rainbow. I feel like AJ might just not use her full name whenever she's referring to her wife/girlfriend, but that’s just a personal thing I suppose. And also cut down on the usage of "lover", it’s repetitive and gets rather irritating.
The usage of the time skips could easily be done in a paragraph which could intertwine everything a bit better. Like, "It was four years ago when…" or "After having their food…" and such. To me, it gives off a rather flip-book-esk vibes, which isn’t a bad thing, but here I don’t think it fits. Could me thing though.
The dialogues felt a bit rough. Like here for instance:
This bit could be shortened down to "Lately my mind's been wondering around and The Golden Horseshoe Gals came up…" You can tell where this is going, and so can Applejack- which was the whole point of this. You did this without making the reader sit through and read about stuff they already know from earlier.
Sorry there! Went on a bit of a ramble.
I like this story! Like I said, it’s cute, and I like cute. Not perfect 'cause nothing's perfect, but pretty good! Have my upvote!
(Also: Big Sugar sounds like no one involved with naming this poor, poor colt had given shit about it, which is sad. I like Candy Apple more, personally XD)
11281798
Awww, thanks!
Hahaha! I didn't even realize I was using Dash's full name a lot! Thanks for that, I'll change some lf the story for its repititions.
(Laughed at it because I was trying to get it done quick but I just made it a bit longer by putting her full name on it
)
Sorry about the time skips. I was just having fun with them and sorry to bother anyone else with it😅
Oh, that. I just made Dash explain how the Gold Horseshoe Gals actually came up, and that's when she saw the photo. The beginning of the story had Granny Smith just came up to her mind but the others came up because of a photo and not because it just came up to her mind. I wanted her to explain it to AJ. But yeah, I see where you're going
I know right! I was hesitating on putting the colt's name as 'Big Sugar' and put my own thoughts into it but I wasn't sure... Should I change it to 'Candy Apple'?
Thank you so much for putting your opinions about this! Saying that it's my first story is just a lame excuse because it's my own fault regardless. Sorry for making this long
I lost my Dad and Grandmother in 2019. I come across pictures of them all the time and it still hurts. This is a good story.
11281822
Wow, I'm sorry for your loss.
I hope this story helped you feel a little bit better though!
Thank you!
Hello! I just got a notification that you put this story in a group. I can see that it will be a good story, but I noticed that the title, “The adventures we had.” has incorrect capitalization.
I am not usually a grammar Nazi, in fact I try not to be at times, but I think adventures, we, and had should be capitalized too. Just a piece of friendly advice!
Even if you don’t take this advice, thank you for at least reading this comment. Have a good day.
-Catpaw616
11384283
Funny thing is, I hesitated on doing that for some reason but I guess this settles it
Thank you for your advice and have a great day!
11384305
Lol I sometimes differ with the rules of grammar too lol.
And you’re welcome!