"It's not very good." ~ PPEF1 on almost every one of his stories
IF YOU DON'T LIKE HOW THE MANE 5 ACT, THIS STORY IS NOT FOR YOU!!!
“She said to check on preparations. I am her student and I’ll do my royal duty. But the fate of Equestria does not rest on me making friends.” ~ Twilight Sparkle.
And right she was.
After almost a year, I finally made a fic. Hopefully my disappearance hasn't affected my writing. It probably did
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And then Nightmare Moon returned, plunging the world into Eternal Darkness.
The end.
While I'm not one for stories that feature Spike getting treated badly, this one was more light hearted compared to other fics where Spike gets worse treatment
11118872
then i don't think this story is for you
11118887
Already read it, and while I hate his previous owner abandoned him, at least that's how he met Twilight who would treat him better than his previous owner did
One one hoof, I hope those bitches enjoy eternal night. Cause this is how Nightmare Moon wins.
On the other, Sunbutt better have a Plan B. Because Twilight will have nothing to do with Ponyville now. And nopony else in town can be Magic but her. Hell we'll need all new Elements period.
It's not bad but it needs some just desserts like losing to nightmare moon or Celestia calling them out for their shameful behavior.
If Celestia hears of this, she is gonna be PISSED!!!! But not at Twilight or Spike. But at the Mane Five JERK'S attitude and racism/xenophobic against poor Spike.
I mean, I seen other stories where Spike is a adopted son of Celestia. Sssssooooooo, IF Celestia hears what happened. Ponyville is gonna get tons of severe heatstroke and third-degree to fourth-degree burn cases!
This is just my own personal opinion and by no means an attack on the author.
While I do agree that ponies do have a penchant for several -isms including speciesism, I don't know if I like how blatantly they were portrayed. Truthfully, if any one of them was to show that kind of behavior it would be AJ given her very traditional values, but not the others, at least not quite as bluntly. Perhaps if you had expanded on the concepts, like have RD flipping out "omigosh omigosh" or had Rarity doing a comical ceiling jump. As it stands you give no reason why the girls feel that way just dragon=bad, the end which doesn't make for a very satisfying story.
Another idea that I just thought of perhaps you could have had The CMC act as the foil to the M5. Like they come barreling in and be all "coool" "Sweetie Belle get away from that dangerous creature"
Again, this is not meant to be an attack on the author, just some thoughts I had about the story itself.
The Season 1 premiere is messed up, because they shut her out because she was with Spike. How could he be dangerous to them?
11118920
Here's the thing though. Celestia will hear about this. Either when Spike goes to her and asks why all of this is a thing. Or she comes across him and Twilight and is quite rightly confused as to why they're back in Canterlot, and then hears the story.
11118923
It honestly comes across as the author didn't put near enough thought into it. Look at the canon episode. None of the girls acted as though Spike being there was weird at all and as if dragons were a common thing to see.
Except Fluttershy. And she was gushing more over Spike being a baby dragon, far more than him being a dragon at all.
Hell. Even AJ, who doesn't have a very good track record of smart decisions, didn't treat Spike any differently, and as you said. Her values would lead one to think she would. But she didn't.
Again. All of this screams very little thought put into it, and is just "Stop asking smart questions! I'm the author, and therefore I know better."
Uh.Dragon Racism you got my attention.
11118923
Well at first when Twilight and Spike arrived at Sweet Apple Acres, I wanted Apple Bloom to say "Aren't you gonna stay for brunch?" only for Applejack to tell her that it wouldn't be a good idea. The reason why I didn't add it was because of this:
She was in the discussion where the Apple family talk over the fact that Twilight has a dragon and dragon=bad. I probably could've still added something like that
11119001
I think the main issue is that you leaned so heavily on the canon episode, so it feels and reads more like a script or outline rather than a story.
If you were to tweak it a little bit so it flows more naturally I think you could have a pretty decent story on your hands.
Some more ideas:
perhaps have AJ do something like pretending to be all friendly-like to Twilight but giving Spike an "Ah'mah watchin' you lizard boy" attitude. Or perhaps outright saying something like "Would'ya lahk some vittles Miz Sparkle? ah-hem, but ah, kin you leave yer dragon outside?" perhaps giving a flimsy excuse like not wantin' to startle her dear old granny (or as the title implies just sayin' that the dragon ain't welcome on her property).
>Applebloom could be approaching Spike with a half nervous/half curious only to have AJ jump in front to protect her little sister from the dangerous beast.
In any case, thanks for listening to my ideas and not going on the immediate defensive (hence the double precaution statements I used in my original comment).
Meh.
Let's put aside the girls' reactions for a moment. Let's even ignore Nightmare Moon's imminent return. Not only does Twilight barely defend* her little brother in all but blood, she lets these five random mares kick her out of town when she has been royally appointed to oversee the Celebration. They literally don't get a say in this. And Twilight has a direct line of communication to Celestia to inform her of this situation. Namely, Spike himself.
The idea of Ponyville being openly hostile to dragons is interesting, particularly Rarity. (I'd consider leaving Fluttershy's opinion on the matter unchanged. Remember, this is the mare who cuddles manticores and wrestle-massages bears. A baby dragon is a delight.) But you barely do anything with it. By the time the conflict actually shows up, Twilight just leaves. Beyond that, it's a rehash of the first episode.
Take some time to flesh out the concept beyond "A, then B, then done" and you could have something promising. As is, you left all the interesting bits unsaid.
*
"Dragons are bad!"
"Nuh uh!"
"Yuh huh!"
"I'm sorry, Spike. I can't refute such biting rhetoric."
11119247
Twilight did not really want to stay in Ponyville (yest, it would be in a library, but I assume the Canterlot library is bigger).
So, she did her assigned job (check on preparations, not make friends) and is going back home. If Celestia asks "why didn't you stay and make friends", Twilgiht has a really good answer - "they hate dragons and told me to either get rid of Spike or go away, I will not get rid of Spike, so I came back to Canterlot - I won't associate myself with ponies who hate my number 1 assistant".
I would do exactly the same in Twilight's place. It's not like I would want to stay there, so why fight for something I don't want.
Either Celestia understands that I could not stay (preferable option) or forces ponies to accept Spike, in which case I would still have to stay there, but Celestia will do the fighting for me.
11118923
It prejudice. it isn't something that logical. Have you ever read the news to see how stupid prejudice even people try to pretend that they don't feel that way still behave in hateful ways despite the fact that we may be different on the outside but where it really counts we are alike. But unfortunately the idiots of the world won't see it unless they have to.
11119531
Yeah, blind prejudice is not logical, and in our world is pretty darn stupid. In of itself though it does not make a very satisfying story, "ponies hate dragons, the end." That was more my point. Unless this story was meant all along to be a satirical jab at current events/ humanity's flaws, then I feel it was lacking a certain something to draw us in.
11119247
Agreed...oh, here's a thought, Perhaps this isn't the actual events at all, but perhaps this is one of those grumpy/annoyed/gloomy thoughts that run through Twilight's head on the trip from Canterlot, just looking for excuses to NOT go. "Oh well, guess they don't want me there, I'll just head back to my studying now".
Yeow! The story might be a bit fast-paced but I can definitely understand why Twilight would be so angry with them for hating Spike (and, yeah, I wouldn't be surprised if Twilight has Spike send Celestia a message reporting them for their anti-dragon racism). Though, admittedly, given that they (in canon mind you) literally treated a Zebra just minding her own business like she was worse than Nightmare Moon, it is not entirely unexpected in this slight AU.
11118900
Indeed. For this world's sake, I REALLY hope that this world's military is A LOT more competent than in the canon series. And maybe Celestia (after chewing out the Mane 5 for their bigotry toward her adopted son), assigns Shining Armor and Cadance (as well as four other troops that the latter two hoof-pick) to handle the Elements of Harmony deal. After all, the Element of Magic is also the Element of Friendship, Cadance is the Alicorn of Love and what IS love except friendship intensified.
11118918
Or, ideally, both. Though perhaps the latter AFTER Shining, Cadance and four others of the latter two's choice handle Nightmare Moon themselves.
11118920
Couldn't have said it better myself.
You could write a sequel. Have Ponyville suffer as a result of their actions.
Sequel? I liked this story
Sequel? I'd like to see Celestia punishing Ponyville.
11119622
I wanted to think of it that way
11119034
Yeah that's pretty true. I like those ideas though. Thanks for suggesting.
This actually has a lot of potential.
I think you should try to expand this universe and go forth with Nightmare Moon’s return.
I can even imagine a new set of bearers.
Bon-Bon as Celestia’s agent probably doesn’t hold the same views as the rest.
Lyra can be swayed by Bony.
Derpy is just too sweet to be mean.
Eccetera, eccetera.
Even Spike can have an Element. I honestly think that he deserves Loyalty, for he is nothing if not loyal to Twilight.
11272124
Yeah. All of that makes sense. Plus, as a side-bonus concerning Lyra, she was ALREADY a former member of Twilight's study group back in Canterlot, so she might already know Spike.
11272124
And, hey I thought of two possibilities to cover the last element:
Zecora: She already has a fairly decent knowledge of the Everfree and well, it would be quite easy to see her earning Generosity (since, after all, anybody who would risk her life to help a town that showed her very little but fear with no expectation of personal reward is the very definition of generosity). Plus, it could set up Zecora teaching Twilight some things about alchemy (which would tie into one of the rumored original plans for FiM by having Zecora be one of Twilight's mentors while she was in Ponyville).
or Time Turner/Doctor Whooves: His friendship with Derpy/Muffins could definitely motivate him to help, plus, it would allow us to have at least two males amongst the Element Bearers instead of Spike being the only male in the group. And, yeah, Twilight and Time Turner having civilized intellectual discussions respectfully concerning magic vs. science could be entertaining.
To be honest, I'm evenly divided between the two.
11450589
I like your ideas, maybe you should try to write something like that?
Will there be a sequel?
11637897
no unfortunately
11637969
Bummer. 😕