The Others
I laid there motionless. I’m sure every single child in Ponyville came up to me and jumped on my motionless and aching body before an adult shoed them away and said they were sorry for the trouble.
I personally didn’t mind the interruptions. It’s not like I have an endless stream of thoughts in my head to keep me entertained for four hours.
“Howdy.” Said an orange mare that approached me on my left. “Need anything before ah leave partner?”
“A hug and your friendship.” I grinned under my headgear.
She gave a low chuckle. “Good to know yer doin’ well Sugarcube.”
“Actually I’m beginning to feel better. Mind helping me up.”
“Sure thing.”
She went behind my head and helped me lift that before pushing my torso off the ground with my assistance. I was able to sit up and I realized most of the soreness went away but just enough so I don’t feel so stiff. I could feel my wings folded against my back and as she got me to my feet I spread them to feel the direction of the wind so I could glide to higher altitude like a kite.
Applejack gave me an impressed whistle. “Nice wings sugarcube.”
I took off my helmet and wiggled my eyebrows suggestively. “Applejack like?” I teased.
“Hehe, ah don’t go for non-ponies.”
“Such a shame. You’re a pretty mare.”
‘Now I’m hitting on Applejack HOORAH!’
“Better watch yerself Puppet Master er ya’ll gunna be more than just sore when ah’m threw wit’cha.” She gave me a teasing glare.
“I like mares with a bite.” I teased.
“Ah like to bit off the head of the foolish stallion who thinks they can get wit’ me.”
“Whoa you like biting head?” I said in mock surprise.
“Whoa wait what? Gawh!” She face hoofed. “Ah can’t believe ah fell for that!”
“To be fair you kinda set yourself up for that.”
“Wh-now yer just bein’ plain rude!” She pointed an accusatory hoof at me.
“Sorry I like pointing out flaws and exploiting things. It’s what I do.” I said apologetically...kinda.
“Well don’t let it happen again.” She stormed off to her stall leaving me standing there on my own.
‘Did I somehow potentially ruin my friendship with Applejack?’ I thought to myself. ‘Meh I’ve got to stop being a dick…or at least stop hitting on the ones that don’t like to be hit on. Wait does Applejack count? She didn’t seem to mind at first but then…that. Meh I’ll stop.’
I watched Applejack pack up her stall that was barren of apples.
“Should I?” I said out loud.
‘I sent memories to that filly right? I felt her memories and I could remove them I know that…is it possible that I can rewrite Applejacks memories to fix this conversation? Nah but I can send images of my world. Or a world I’ve created maybe.’
I approached her as she was packing up the stall. She looked at me with a stoic expression like she wasn’t interested.
“What’cha want?” She said absentmindedly.
“To apologies.”
“That so?” She gave me a look and stopped what she was doing to lean up against the stall and continue looking at me with that stoic expression.
“Yes. Sorry about what I said. I started flirten with you as a bit of a joke; though that wasn’t a problem you gave me the impression that you don’t mind innuendos so I decided to make one. Didn’t think you’d react like this because of it. If I offended you in any way I’m sorry.” I said sincerely.
She eyed me for a moment trying to detect any hint of a lie on my exposed face. After a few seconds of watching me closely she finally spoke.
“Well all right Ah forgive yah. Just don’t let it happen again ok?” She said with a small smile finding its way on her face. She turned back and started to fold up the roof of the stall.
‘I must have just saved my relationship with Applejack. Though if I know girls she’s going to be cautious about trusting me in the future. Well at least until I earn it back. Not that bad when you think about it. Just some work needs to be put into gaining her trust. But not too much to make it look like I’m actively trying to gain it.’
I took a moment to watch her pack up the stall.
“Need help?” I asked.
“Nah ah got it sugarcube.” She threw a smile my way.
‘Well at least she’s using sugarcube again.”
I looked around for something to do.
‘Where’s Rainbow when you need her?’
I noticed she had the harness hooked up to her and was ready to pull it with her.
“Hey do you know where Rainbow is at the moment?” She gave off the feeling of annoyance but didn’t show it.
“Should be tenden the clouds.”
‘Dammit I’m sounding desperate to reconcile when I don’t want to reconcile.’
“Thanks though that doesn’t tell me where she is at all. I’ll get out of your mane.”
I thumped my wings and launched myself fifty feet into the air with one stroke. Once I was at my desired height I took a look around the skies and at the clouds. I spotted a few pegasi on the horizon and I believed they could guide me to Rainbow Dash.
Pumping my wings I was able to get to them only to find none other than Cloud Kicker and Thunderlane positioning clouds above a small backyard garden of what I assume to be a flower shop. Hovering only a few feet from them they both spot me and Cloud Kicker gives me that awed but longing look she got when we first met. Though I got to see it again because we met again.
“Sup. You guys don’t happen to know where Rainbow Dash is do you?”
They both held a befuddled face before Thunderlane responded…and quite defensively as well.
“What the hay do you want with Rainbow huh?” He said giving me a judgmental look.
“What? She’s like the only one I know around here.”
“Oh umm I can take you to her.” Said Cloud Kicker a little too enthusiastically.
“No I don’t want to waste your time.”
“I wouldn’t mind at all!” She said enthusiastically.
“I however would. The way you look at me is quite lustful and slightly unnerving.” She blushes deeply.
Thunderlane looks at her with a knowing look and then bursts into laughter. “BAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man Cloud Kicker! HAHAHAHAHA!”
She glares at him and looks back to me. “She’s that way.” She deadpans and points a hoof north of Ponyville.
“Thank you. And sorry for the humiliation love.”
I beat hard to leave in the proper direction.
“Love?” said Thunderlane quizzically once I was distanced from the two.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Far from the proud city of Cloudsdale, a black tower was visible from every corner of Cloudsdale if it you could see west.
In the pegasi corps Barricade has assembled a team to investigate said tower and discover its inhabitance.
“Stallions! We’ve been assigned to investigate the anomaly that we dub ‘The Tower of Darkness’. We will fly out and investigate this anomaly and report back to the princesses with our findings. No one touches anything while there understood?”
“Yes ma’am!”
“All right! FORMATION!”
She took into the air and the both squads of ten followed her in a V formation. One squad on each side. They flew above the bustling city of Cloudsdale that was now aware of the strange anomaly as it quite literally sprung up in the night when no pony was awake to witness it appear.
She gave no mind to the ponies who roamed around and asked about the tower, nor did she pay any mind to the ones who were looking over the side, she was so concentrated on her objective she even missed the ponies who watched them begin to descend towards the tower in the distance. It was by no means only below Cloudsdale, no.
What made this tower an anomaly is that it rose higher than Canterlot even though its base was equivalent to the bottom of the Canterlot’s mountain.
They got closer to the tower and noticed some ghastly creatures with pincers and many eyes were floating lazily around the tower. What shocked them the most was the fact that these monsters had no wings.
“Keep your guard up!” Shouted Barricade to her twenty man squad. Each had a spear and Barricade had a longsword for her choice of weapons.
They kept in formation and lowered towards the entrance. Upon reaching it they realized the architecture of said black tower was similar to the architecture in Cloudsdale. Only way more menacing than the beautiful and proud aura of Cloudsdale’s cloud work.
“I don’t like the look of this place.” Said a guard near the back.
“No kidding.” Said another one.
“Shut up and keep alert!” Shouted Barricade.
A group of thirty wingless monsters flew overhead and noticed the group, all eyed turned to them but the creatures made no movement towards the pegasi group. They were all unnerved when they saw even the eyes in the back were watching them as they floated away from view. Those creepy eyes sent shivers down their spines including Barricade’s.
“Let’s move.” She said in a commanding tone.
They went into the abyss of the towers empty torch lit hallways.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Way on the highest point of Canterlot’s mountain a figure stood watching the tower in the distance.
His hollowed armor pulsed with energy while he looked through the slit in his headgear towards the dark tower in silence and contemplation. His wings were tucked to his sides and his stature was proud and strong.
He eyes the tower with interest.
“Come on you bastard.” Said the figure of Celldric. “Why haven’t you spread corruption yet? I saw your tower build itself the other night but…why aren’t you acting normal?” He said to himself.
“Celldric!” Came a voice from down the mountain. “You going to warm up by the fire or contemplate life all day?”
“Neither Hunger. I’m analyzing the activity surrounding wolf’s tower in the west.”
“You can’t see any activity from this distance! I’m sure you wouldn’t see any corruptors or anything from this distance anyway. They’ll be too small.”
“Maybe…but there’s something wrong here.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deep in whitetail woods there was yet another anomaly that neither pony nor beast laid eyes on yet. A tree that’s grown wider than nature would allow seemed to have a massive bulge that was ten feet wide and ten feet tall. In the center of said girth from the abnormal tree was an entity that had yet to be born.
A creature known and loved by so many. A Terrarian that’s loyalty was unmatched and who’s presence inspires flowers to simply bloom out of respect.
In the center of this large tree with massive roots splitting through the ground and grown up to the surface that spread miles was the Terrarian who’s powers over nature are unmatched by any other nature spirit.
This entities name was Radiant Garden.
And he was suffering. Like Puppet Master he too fell from the sky. But the force of the impact from the shockwave did more damage to his less protected body and its jungle armor.
He rests in stasis thanks to the jungles loyalty to all those who protect it. And the jungle was making sure no creature with a hungry stomach or a pony with an ignorant mind will approach him.
‘Thank you my friends.’ His mind called out to the trees. ‘I will be sure to water you with mineral rain and grow you to new heights for your kindness.’
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somewhere in a distant land where the griffon tribes roam free was a crater. In this crater…nothing. Nothing but the small sound of breathing and the invisible aching body of Shadow Master.
He landed in a forest far from any griffon settlement. But he was just as bad as Radiant Garden. Maybe even worse than Radiant Garden because he had no trees to help him out.
And so he waited for darkness to take him in this natural world.
(Sorry for slow updates. I've been thinking a lot about the story and how to do this particular chapter. I think I got it down so expect updates more often.)
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I do believe your grammar has dwindled a slight
1483208
Well that's what I get for typing a chapter within several days of on and off typing.
I'm more concerned about it being interesting actually
1483235
Ah'm sorry YOU ONLY JUST NOW COMMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME WHEN YOU HAD SO MANY OPPORATUNITIES ON ANY OTHER CHAPTER?!
Shame on you for making me wait
I want to see your beautiful words :o
1483253 Dude, you're eating out of the palm of 1483878 's hand. Also, good chapter. Don't worry too much about grammar and stuff like that, it's all good!
I know this may come off as a bit... dickish, but i don't mean to be. I try to be lively and helpful, mostly, anyways. I like this story, and i want to help it's quality, if i can. So without further ado... Proofreader mode, GO!
It might just be my crazy talking here, but i think that's the wrong form of 'apologise'.
'I started flirting'. Just a minor spelling error here.
'tending the clouds'. Unless that's her accent filtering through, of course.
This just reads oddly to me. I think it's just a bit of word choice here. 'What made this tower an anomaly, is that it rose higher than Canterlot, even though it's base was even to the base of Canterlot's mountain.' This seems to read better to me, but it just sounds when read out loud. That could be my crazy talking again, though.
This could just be my crazy again, but wasn't this story in past-tense? 'He eyed the tower with interest.' would keep that in correct tense form.
'This entity's name was Radiant Garden.' There is singular possession going on here, not multiple entities having 'Radiant Garden' as a group name. Though, that would be cool, having a group name of 'Radiant Garden'
There's probably a few i missed, i'm not perfect, nor do i claim to be. I do like this story, and wish to see it continued. Reading it has been a blast, and... no, that's actually about it. I can't really explain why i like this story other than that. No deep, hidden meanings to me by reading it. I just like this story for what it is. If i can help it be better, i will, without a second thought.
1485636
Damn did I do that bad in this chapter?
Fuck that's what I get for going on and off of typing
K I'll try to find these and fix them. Then expect an epic chapter for thanks :P
1483878
Guess I did :D
1485433
You're all good.
LAWL
1486135
No problem. The way i wrote that post, you could copy the text from inside the quote, do a text search, and probably come up with the exact line in the story. I tend to do that to keep it relatively easy for fixes.
No, i just was in proofreader mode from helping another author with his story. It's like a switch in my mind, i flip it and suddenly i can't stop helping fix the errors i notice. I flip it back and suddenly about half my IQ goes away; Well, that and i feel the inexplicable urge to go play some games.
They're all epic, in their own way. Just keep on writing like you have, and you'll do just fine.
1486510
You're a real help.
I don't actually have a proof reader. Never have and never will.
But...maybe in the next chapter I'll sent it to you in a private message and see if you can proof read it.
I don't really know how else i can get it to you but hey why not? You seem observant enough to catch the things I miss.
Keep looking at your personal messages. I'll message you or something if I feel like I would like to use you
1486557
You could use GoogleDocs, sending a PM with a link to it. It's probably easier, since Gdocs translates all the BBCode 'automagically', as far as I know. I've found adding 'comments' to sections of text where i see the error is far easier to fix, than just PMing the whole plain text chapter back and forth. It gives it a shared place for you to see my reasoning, and respond to it without having to compose a whole PM for it.
For the record, I'd love to. I was in the middle of writing this comment when i noticed you replied to that one. I'll leave that in at the end as an example. I will warn you now though, My 'reads' tend to produce essays. The last one i sent was 10 pages long in word, and ~1100 words long. (minichapters, yay!) Most of what i notice is simple things that don't take much to 'fix'. Even then, you'll see when you read on, that it's mostly just suggestions anyways. I also don't just 'fix' them, i give my reasoning as well to what i change, why i change it, and (sometimes) what can be done to keep it from showing up again.
1483237
I just noticed this comment, actually. Keeping it looking good is what an editor/proofreader is for. You get to get your ideas across. They make it look pretty and presentable for the public. What i mean is, you write the chapter, and the Editor/Proofreader(s) find and point out errors, be it plot, verb-tense, grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. If it's just you, then you're responsible for all of it. If there's two of you, one doing the main writing (the author), and one cleaning it up and making it presentable (Editor/Proofreader), then there's quite a good chance that the author won't be too worried about making it look good, and then can write more, while the Editor makes it look good. Both have a positive influence on quality.
If/When you get a proofreader/editor to look at your work, there are generally two types of 'fixes' they offer (or in my case at least). One is those that seem like suggestions, adding a word, changing the phrasing of a sentence there, just for flow or so it reads normally. The other is like spelling errors, those you pretty much have to fix. The first happens more often than not with this story. I find plenty of places for more detail or something, but it's not truly necessary to said scene. Let me see if i can get an example for you from this chapter.
Aha! Here's a relatively short one. While there is nothing wrong with what you have here, there are some suggestions i'd make.
My suggestions would be to change the line into something like this: ' "Sorry, I like point out flaws, and exploiting things. It's what i do best." I said half-apologetically.' There are a few words added to give a bit more description to the sentence, removed the 'kinda' for the more descriptive 'half-', and added a few commas where they seemed natural to the dialogue, when read aloud. That's not really much, and i looked for about the worst offender here that i could find in this chapter. Most of these are just 'add a comma here, fix a small verb tense issue there, change the placing of these two words and voila!' A completely different look to it, but it looks so much more clean and sleek.
1486610
Oh god paragraphs.
can't...read...all of it!
only read the last paragraph and yea I can totally use you
...ok now ii read your first paragraph. XD Still think i can use you but I'm unsure of what you're suggesting to me on how to get a hold of you. Maybe explain in a smaller paragraph that I can read later?
Yea and if you do try to change things up make sure they follow the storyline perfectly. Though I'd like to have you edit only one chapter for now. Like you stated earlier you lenthen stories up by simply editing them. Which means you add WAY more words than nessisary in my opinion, even though it is entertaining. So in the future I'd like to set up another story that you'll have an active part in depending on what it is. Maybe I'll make a sequel to this one.
1486149 Sorry, AJ, my heart belongs to another. I'll leave you to guess who...
1486661
Yeah, i had to break it up into paragraphs. You should've seen it earlier, before i posted it, it looked like one giant block of text separated by that quote, and this one was the same way. Quick note, contact info's in the bottom paragraph. The middle two are just responses to statements you said.
I don't actually mess with the storyline, if i can help it. Rearranging actions in a sentence to keep a more logical flow, maybe, but rare if it happens. Also, keeping it down on chapters for now is perfectly fine for me. I've still got roughly 13.5 chapters of roughly 28 to go for one story and it's in-progress sequel that i was asked to help with.
The way i edit, it's not adding scenes or whatnot, it's just adding descriptive words to help the scene seem more realistic to read. I'm not imaginative enough to add scenes or anything to a story. I'm more... practical than i really should be. I'm good with grammar, punctuation, spelling, flow, etc. Just not the actual imagination part of writing a story.
Contact info: Send me a PM, throw me an email, or check my Userpage, I've got a steam account that you're more than welcome to hit me up on. Just make sure to let me know who you are if your name's not the same on steam, i'm just weird like that. I've got some time tonight scheduled to play Borderlands 2, so i'll definitely be hanging around my computer tonight. At this rate, i'm going to need to schedule my free time, at least until i'm caught up helping with that story i mentioned earlier.
1487463
you forgot.
6. I'm a whiny bitch.
7. I masterbate too often to update.
8. I have no friends.
9. I suck.
Ok there NOW DON'T DISSAPOINT ME AGAIN!
1488361
:J
1488583 Well alright then. Btw, be warned, a man named Trollaid has been spotted in the area and is wanted for the following crimes: Bad Jokes, Bad Dancing, Public Nudity, All around Trolling. If you see him, do not approach, he will react as a troll would. Inform your nearest troll-buster unit and allow them to handle the situation. That is all.
1488621
1488672
Public nudity for the win!
show of hands who support?
o/
1488685 Trust me, if you ever saw Trollaid naked, you'd want to gouge out your eyes a million times over and burn the remains until there was nothing left
1488711
Whoa that's exactly what my neighbors did when they saw me naked :D
I think they liked it
1488730 really? Cool. Dammit, now I can't stop thinking about this weird dream I had last night. And the worst part is, it's totally unrelated to the conversation!
1488740
Dude...someone from beyond must be callin for you
Say hi for me!
Omg these comments XD
1490085
Sexy I know
1488994 why would Itachi Uchiha be using my dreams to call me?
1491293
Cuz....he's in my bed?
1491950 Really? How co-ooooooooooohhh....I'll just leave you two alone...
1491950 THAT WAS GREAT TIMEING! (Lisening to "Satellite" by rise against and it said "when where gone we'll stay gone" at the end *of this chapter*"he landed in a forest far from any griffon settlement. But he was just as bad as Radiant Garden. Maybe even worse than Radiant Garden because he had no trees to help him out.
And so he waited for darkness to take him in this natural world."
)
PERFECT.
1488685 o/
So, the entire crew is back, eh? Wonder what'll happen now...
Awww