• Member Since 15th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 30th, 2016

gallagsp the corgi

And then my therapist said I shouldn't have stopped taking my medication! HA!


Colgate is attacked one night and awakens in the hospital to find her Cutie Mark was stolen straight off her body.When the local police refuse to help, She and Twilight Sparkle turn to some less-than-known law enforcement agents to help bring down a pony known only as "The Collector"

Can they do it in time before this mysterious pony strikes again, or will another become a victim to these horrible crimes?

Chapters (12)
Comments ( 20 )

The pacing was quite quick, like you had an awesome idea, but couldn't work out how to build up to it, so you just leapt straight into it. Ideally, you want to either start with action (such as Colgate being attacked on screen immediately) or have 3-5 paragraphs building up to it (Twilight wanders around town, someone mentions they saw a shadowy figure last night, bumps into the cmc's, they run off playing, come back screaming, find Colgate). It was like twilight came up to me, told me what happened and wondered off again. I want to see whats happening, not be told what's happening- although, this is a very hard skill to pull off and I struggle with it in my writing.
Also, Colgate's description of the attack sounds like rape, but judging from the dark tag I assume that's what you were going for, so that works out.

Overall, yeah it was good, gets a like from me, but had the potential to be much better. But if you keep on writing it will develop naturally.

1262730 you forgot the [img] tags.

Thanks, I know that the pacing is a little fast, but this is my first attempt at fiction. I've never really been a great writter or anything. Any other suggestions to help me improve would be greatly appreciated.

not bad, keep going. but slow it down a little bit, details details details. but don't TELL the reader, SHOW them. I'd love to see these fleshed out, it's going at to fast of a pace.

what do to:
Slow Down
Add Details
Show not Tell


Yeah. I'm really working on that. I find that really difficult to pace myself. Thanks for the imput though!:twilightsheepish:

First things first, spell "dangerous" correctly.

1765462 whoops. I just noticed a lot of errors that I'll need to fix. Thanks for letting me know, it made me aware of all my errors.

The reference is unsettling, since the collector killed his victims with painful traps that he set up around the place he was hunting them, he would also kidnap some and torture them. :pinkiecrazy:

Wow, I didn't know there was an actual movie called "The Collector" thats creepy, at least my story doesn't have any murder... Yet...:trixieshiftright: I think This fact can work out for me.

1985005 YEAH! untitentional references FTW! :trollestia:

What if he stole Diamond Tiara's Cutie Mark? Or Silver Spoon's?

2030224 We don't even know what he does with the Cutie marks he steals, so no idea! :rainbowkiss: also, thanks for the follow, it means a lot to me. :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Oodles deleted Feb 24th, 2013

2030903 nope, sorry. Completely unintentional. I hate it when people soften things up for mlp also, so if it was intentional I would have gone all out. :pinkiecrazy:

didn't make sense.Lyra raised an

Add a space.

Although, I have to say I saw that :twistnerd: coming.

3055642 fixed.:twilightsheepish: This chapter is full of errors that i'll have to edit out eventually.

3055711 exactly, lots of errors on my part through out this whole story.:derpyderp1: I'll fix them once I get some time in my schedual.

Oooh, this looks good. Adding it to my "read later" list.

Login or register to comment