Chapter 1
Scootaloo's head slammed on the bench near the schoolhouse, the filly groaning in frustration. "I just don't understand it." She turned to her flank, still with a lack of Cutie Mark. "We've tried everything we can, and still no Cutie Mark!"
Sweetie Belle sighed, dejectedly. "Maybe our talents are something we can't do now..."
"Or we could listen to the girls again; find out how they got their marks." Applebloom piped up. "Ah think mah sister said somethin' about 'findin' out who you are' or somethin'."
The pegasus visibly grimaced. "Ugh, no way, I don't wanna listen to those sappy stories..."
Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes. "Scootaloo, I think we've been missing the point of those stories."
Scootaloo sighed, then her eyes widened. She started grinning. "Or maybe..." She pointed to the sky, conveniently as a rainbow streaked across the sky. "We can try air ballooning!"
Applebloom facehoofed. "Scoot-"
Scootaloo beamed. "We haven't done that yet!"
"Scootal-"
"This is perfect! Something awesome to try!"
"Scoot-"
"Come on girls, let's get our ballooning Cutie Mark!" She leapt up, bouncing along to... somewhere. "Now I can finally get onto a cloud by myself!"
The two fillies looked at each other, worry and confusion in their faces. The two leapt up and followed the eager pegasus.
"Scootaloo, d'ya even know how to fly a hot air balloon?"
Scootaloo froze, causing the unicorn to crash into her. "Um... No? But we can learn how to!"
"From where?" Sweetie Belle asked as she rubbed her sore muzzle.
"Twilight must have a book on it!" Scootaloo turned to head onwards, only to freeze at the sight before her.
In her eyesight, a certain pink filly with a tiara, followed by a bespectacled grey filly, were walking up with pride. The pink filly grinned menacingly as she approached.
Applebloom sighed. "Great, we have to deal with her now..."
"Just ignore them, let's get going." Scootaloo said, continuing to walk. Diamond Tiara immediately got in her way, much to her chagrin.
"Hello, Cutie Mark-less Crusaders." Diamond said with a sneer as Scootaloo leapt back to make some distance between the two parties. "Going somewhere?"
Scootaloo nodded. "Getting our Cutie Mark in hot air ballooning."
Diamond scoffed. "It won't work, just like the..." She briefly turned to Silver Spoon. "How many times?"
"Um... 74." Silver replied, glancing between her friend and the Crusaders. "That I know of."
"-74 other times you tried getting your Cutie Mark."
"It's 64..." Applebloom muttered, quiet enough that only she heard it.
"Face it; you're never going to find your Cutie Marks."
"No!" Sweetie Belle cried angrily. "We're gonna get our Cutie Marks! I'll prove it to you!"
"And how will you do that?" Diamond looked down at her.
"I'll... Um... I-I'll show you when I get it!"
"Which will be never." She smiled smugly. "I bet you won't even find your magic."
Sweetie Belle glared at her. "I'll get my magic too! Just like my sister!"
"Your sister Rarity? Please. Don't compare yourself to that... poor excuse for a dressmaker."
"What?!" Sweetie Belle screamed, her voice breaking. "Don't insult my sister like that! She's-"
"Pathetic. She barely has enough skill to make money off her random pieces of scrap."
"She's the Element of Generosity, you jerk!" Sweetie Belle's eyes started tearing up. "She saved your sorry flank at least twice!"
"But when she's not the 'hero of Equestria' she's a mare with a terrible eye for detail. She's pathetic, and so are you."
Sweetie Belle collapsed into a fit of sobbing. Applebloom growled and walked in front of her. "Diamond, you're goin' too far."
"Oh, I'm sorry, but who here has the higher intelligence?" She made a funny and mocking face. "Hai, Ah'm Aeppleblewm, an' ai has a IQ of a slug!"
"Ah'm not that dumb!" Applebloom roared, nearly catching Diamond off guard. "Ah know how to solve algebra, Ponythagoras' Theorem, trigonometry and all manner of measurement equations, only at the age of 12. Beat that."
"That's just maths." Diamond dismissed. In truth, she didn't even know who Ponythagoras was and what his theorem is, but she hid that from the Crusaders. "From what I hear, your sister can't even do maths."
"Ok, so maths isn't her strong point, but she's still smarter than y'all." She immediately regretted saying that last word when Silver Spoon looked shocked. "Ok, maybe just you, Tiara."
"I also heard she's illiterate, as is her brother."
"Nope." Applebloom said proudly. "Mah sister and brother's read me stories when I was too young to read 'em mahself."
"You can't re-"
"And before you finish, Ah can read too."
She's a stubborn one. "Well, if they're so smart, why do they work as mere farmers?"
"'Mere'? Ah think y'all forgettin' that yer father wouldn't be rich without Granny Smith an' her Zap Apples."
"Firstly, she just found them, and secondly, at least I have a father."
The butter-coloured filly's eyes widened. "Huh?"
"Do you even know who your parents were?"
"Yeah, of course Ah do." Her eyes turned angry. "What about it?"
Diamond scoffed. "Oh, nothing. It's just that my father's still alive, while yours is buried under the ground."
Applebloom gasped. "How the hay did you know that?!"
"I've heard your 'dear sister' talking to one of her dumb friends-" She peeked at Sweetie Belle. "-Rarity, I believe, about her parents. From what I heard, it sounds like they were plain stupid."
"Don't you dare talk about them that way!"
Diamond ignored the threat, and the grey filly quietly asking her to think about what she was saying. "Jumping in front of a high-speed cart to stop it from hitting some stupid pony? That's just dumb."
"Th-That 'stupid pony' was me!" Applebloom retorted loudly. "They saved my life!"
"What the hay were you doing in the middle of the road anyway?" Diamond said with a smirk. "I thought you had a sister and brother to look after you."
Before Applebloom could reply, Scootaloo leapt between the two. "Diamond, stop it!"
"Why should I listen to you?"
"Because I'll kick your flank to next year if you continue hurting my friends!"
Silver took a step back. Diamond, however, remained stalwart. She gave a short laugh, which only angered the pegasus more. "So, the chicken decides to fight the pony?"
Scootaloo growled, and dropped to a fighting stance. "Don't call me that."
"You're right, I'm sorry. Chickens can fly, unlike you. Perhaps 'dodo' will suit you better."
"Just because I can't fly doesn't mean I won't fight to protect my friends."
"Just like that rainbow-maned pegasus? Sh-"
"Exactly like Rainbow Dash. She's the most awesome pony who's ever lived!"
"Don't interrupt me, chicken." Diamond practically commanded, though giving a command to the angry pegasus filly was next to impossible.
"I'll interrupt you as much as I want, useless-flank." Scootaloo replied with a smirk.
Diamond paused, narrowing her eyes. "What did you call me?"
"Your Cutie Mark is, what, a tiara? What sorta talent is that?"
"At least I have one."
"I wouldn't be surprised if your daddy bought it for you."
"Idiot, you can't buy Cutie Marks." Diamond grinned. "Besides, my father wouldn't do so anyway."
"What does a tiara even mean?" Scootaloo thought. "Snob?"
"It means I'm better than you, chicken."
"Yep. Snob."
Diamond growled. "At least my entire body works properly."
Scootaloo froze. "What?"
"Unlike your idol, who despite her constant boasting will never join the Wonderbolts-"
"You're wrong! Rainbow Dash will join the Wonderbolts, and I'll be right behind her!"
"You can't even fly."
"I'll fly eventually!"
"Sorry, let me rephrase. You will never fly, and your so-called idol will hate you for it."
Scootaloo's wings flared outwards, a sign of anger. "Rainbow will never hate me, and I will totally fly!"
"Face it, chicken, you're grounded forever, just like a dodo." She leant closer "You. Will. Never. Fly."
Scootaloo growled loudly, but Diamond remained still. Silver tapped her on the shoulder.
"Diamond, I think-"
"Do I look like I care what you think, Spoon?"
Silver frowned. "Of course not. You never do." She glared at the pink filly. "But you're taking this too far, Tiara Rich!"
Diamond growled, and raised a hoof. "Just shut up!"
SLAM
Silver cried in pain, the sound of breaking plastic ringing through everypony's ears as Diamond's hoof connected with her. She flew a few feet before hitting the ground, lying limply and broken glasses scattered around her. Applebloom, despite earlier emotions, instantly leapt up and ran to her aid.
Diamond scoffed. "If she's stupid enough to-"
She never could finish that sentence. Scootaloo snapped. She let out a blood-curdling scream as she head-butted Diamond further than Diamond had hoofed Silver. Diamond tumbled around for a moment, coming to a standstill. She rose up, a little shaken but full of determination.
"You've got quite a head there, little Scoot. It must be thick."
Scootaloo descended on Diamond again, grabbing the pink filly as she attempted to roll out of the way and bringing her to ground. The two immediately started fighting, the pegasus fighting with sheer determination while the earth pony had natural endurance. The fight turned into a would-be-comical cloud of dust, hooves and wings.
Rainbow lazily sat on a cloud, watching other clouds drift slowly across the setting sky.
She immediately tensed up when she heard a familiar scream from an orange pegasus filly she knew. A quick peek at the ground below her showed her everything. Scootaloo fighting another filly.
The sounds told her that it wasn't a normal school fight.
She leapt into the sky, and plummeted down to the scene with speed rivalling the Wonderbolts.
Applebloom lifted a teary-eyed Silver Spoon up gently, Sweetie Belle comforting her. The Crusaders looked at each other in worry, then Applebloom rushed up to the fight.
"Girls, stop this!" She yelled out, but the message didn't connect.
She was honestly surprised to see a cyan mare land powerfully next to her. Rainbow cleared her throat.
"Scoots, cut it out!" She called out. For some drastically wrong reason, the fighting didn't stall even though Scootaloo would've heard the familiar voice of her idol. "Kid! Squirt!"
"What in tarnation is goin' on?" An orange earth pony wearing an all-too-familiar stenson hat galloped up, noting the cyan pegasus.
"Scoots and Diamond are fightin'" Applebloom replied, nervous.
The two mares looked at each other, and nodded. "AJ, take the pink one."
"And you take Scoots."
The two walked up to the cloud of fighting. Applejack kept her head low, waiting to grab Diamond's tail, while Rainbow kept high, ready to catch the pegasus with her hooves.
"Now!" Applejack yelled, lunging forwards. Rainbow sunk her hooves into the cloud, which quickly dissipated as they grabbed their fillies.
Before either adult could move them out of range, Diamond shrieked in pain. Scootaloo had bitten into her foreleg.
"Scoots, stop that!" Rainbow commanded, though the orange filly did anything but stop. Diamond kept crying out in pain.
"Scootaloo!" Applejack yelled through Diamond's tail. "Cut it out!"
But Scootaloo kept going. Rainbow kept trying to coax her off. Her eyes widened as she saw a thin sliver of red liquid at the bite.
"Scootaloo, for buck's sake, you're actually hurting her now!"
The stubborn filly still refused to let her vice-like grip go. Diamond was literally in tears now, banging her free forehoof into the ground rapidly. Rainbow looked at Applejack, both equally panicky.
Rainbow growled, and let Scootaloo go. Before Scootaloo could try anything, Rainbow got her hooves onto the side of her head in a particular way. She pressed them, Scootaloo's jaw loosening and freeing the pink filly's foreleg, a very distinctive wound left in place. Diamond collapsed, sobbing loudly. Rainbow replaced her hooves around the filly and flapped back, the pegasus screaming and desperately trying to claw her way back to Diamond.
"What is going on here?!" A deep purple mare poked her head out of the schoolhouse window, and immediately gasped. She didn't bother going to the door, she leapt right out of the window.
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle immediately galloped up to Cheerilee, and explained the situation. Cheerilee held a grim expression.
"Scootaloo, Diamond, see me in my office." She said, turning to head back in.
"The girls have explained the situation to me very clearly." Cheerilee said, voice as stern as Celestia's when displeased.
The two ponies were sitting at the edges of a row of five seats. Between Scootaloo and Applejack, who was in the centre, was Rainbow, and between Diamond and Applejack was Diamond's father.
"Both of your actions were extremely inappropriate."
"Surely this must be a joke." Filthy Rich replied. "My little Diamond-"
"No, I assure you it's accurate, Mr Rich. Diamond verbally abused not just Scootaloo, but Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Silver Spoon in highly sensitive subjects."
Rich's face turned from annoyed at Cheerilee to annoyed at Diamond. "Care to explain yourself, young miss?"
"They deserved it."
Scootaloo was blocked by Rainbow, who calmed the pegasus down enough.
Rich sighed. "Might I remind you that the Apple family is one of our greatest business partners, Ms Sapphirica actually makes the clothes I give you and the Craft family and the Rich family are close friends."
Applejack nodded sagely.
"But what of her?" She pointed a hoof at Scootaloo accusingly.
"We didn't become the richest families in Ponyville by being abusive to those less fortunate."
Applejack cleared her throat loudly.
"... In terms of monetary wealth."
"But-"
"No buts, miss."
Diamond quietly growled.
"As for you, Scootaloo Deftwing..." Cheerilee continued. "You attacked another student, and refused to stop when told to by an adult."
Scootaloo hung her head.
"And to make it worse, you caused some serious harm. Not only did you draw blood from that bite, you fractured one of her back leg bones and several bruises."
"I'm sorry, Miss..."
"I'm not the one to be apologising to."
Scootaloo turned to the pink filly. While Diamond's eyes were full of hate, Scootaloo's were apologetic.
"I'm sorry, Diamond. Even though you may have totally deserved it, I'm still sorry."
Diamond blinked. "What? H-how could you be sorry after that?!"
Scootaloo looked down. "I... I just am. I really am sorry."
Diamond softened slightly, much to her internal chagrin. "H-huh?"
"I really don't like hurting ponies badly. Even you."
"Th-this doesn't make any sense. Y-you hate me!"
Scootaloo laughed. "I don't hate you, Tiara. Not that much."
"Even after I said such mean things about you, and said that you'd never get your cutie mark?"
Rainbow hissed in mock pain, knowing full-well what that felt like. "That's a good one..." She muttered to herself.
"Well... Maybe that's stretching it. But I'm still sorry."
Diamond's eyes started tearing up. "B-but-"
"I know, it makes no sense." Scootaloo chuckled sadly.
Diamond broke into tears. Scootaloo felt her heart plummet. She slowly trotted up and wrapped a hoof around her. Diamond responded by wrapping herself around the filly, crying into her mane.
"I'm so sorry, Scootaloo...!"
Scootaloo froze as the pink filly continued apologising. Did she...
Cheerilee smiled. "As happy as I am for you two, you're still being punished for your behaviour."
Both fillies froze and looked up at their teacher. "What is it?" Scootaloo inquired.
"Afterschool detentions on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
"WHAT?!" Both screamed in unison.
THE END
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For the record, I don't hate any character.
And this is just a short, feel-inducing one-shot. No epilogue, even if you ask for one.
Though, I may make a comedy demi-sequel of the CMCs trying to Hot Air Balloon.
Well, Diamond Tiara did bring it all on herself by being a nasty heartless bullying brat. Both her and Scoots getting detention is a fair and just punishment though. I have a feeling DT's gonna be paying for some new glasses for Silver Spoon however(and she should), plus who knows if they'll ever be friends since in this story Tiara clearly didn't think of her than little more than a minion.
Great story, I love one-shots, well written and not that rushed
(And I am intrigued about what could happen when they go Hot Air Ballooning.
SO MANY FEELS!
I've always hated the attempts to showcase Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's talent as being useless because of their Cutie Marks. You know, just once, I'd like to see something like:
Critic: What does a tiara and a spoon Cutie Mark even mean?
DT: I'm a jeweller you numbskull!
SS: And I'm good at making fancy decorated kitchen utensils!
Was anyone else of thinking of the "Love Me Cheerilee Music Video" when Scootaloo and Diamond Tiara started fighting?
Also that ending was priceless and both ponies deserved it.
They'll be lucky if their friends ever talk to them again after all this!
You are free to take this review/critique any way you wish. I'll start off by saying I enjoyed reading this.
Let me begin this review by getting grammar out of the way. The only common problem I noticed with this story is your semicolon usage.
That isn't how you use a semicolon, methinks. I do believe that should be a comma.
This is definitely wrong; that should be a regular colon.
I also believe you use commas too much. At times, it creates odd stops in your story. More on that in the next section of this comment.
Also, you have five interrobangs in your story (?! These are interrobangs, in case you don't know). That kind of mark is usually good for maybe once or twice a story; using it multiple times is overkill.
Other than that, nothing I could remember. Your spelling was great, and your hyphen usage was superb.
Next section: your writing style, or prose. I think this may be where your biggest problem is. First off, you overuse adverbs.
We can tell from her sighing and the context of the scene that she's feeling dejected; we don't need that word.
Visibly is a dead word here.
Those adverbs are not needed. Your story would be stronger without them.
The other thing I'd like to note about your writing style is that it's somewhat mechanical. For the first two-thirds of your story it works, since we get to see how Diamond Tiara methodically belittles the CMC: remark about themselves, then a rebuttal by a CMC, then a remark about somepony close to them, and then building on that. This methodical writing, though, falls apart at the end, but I'll get to that when I get to character.
One more thing before I move on:
1. When you use onomatopoeia words like slam, thunk, vroom, or kerplunk, you usually put an exclamation mark after them.
2. The word "SLAM" isn't the right word for here. I think SLAM! is used more for full-body contact, like slamming somebody into a locker. I think CRACK! (because her glasses broke) or BAM (possibly...) would work better.
Now on to the more important isues!
Let me begin with atmosphere. It's actually quite good; there isn't much focus on the setting, as you focus on the interactions between the fillies. When you do pan out, though, it works. The atmosphere isn't much present in the ending, but more on that when I get to plot.
Now for characters. You have 9 characters present in this story: Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Cheerilee, and Filthy Rich.
-I felt like Applebloom, Silver Spoon, Rainbow Dash and Applejack were used to their full potential, but that's just me. I've no complaints about these characters.
-My one complaint about Sweetie Belle lies in the beginning of the story:
This statement seems a bit too omniscient on her part. I don't understand why she would say that, or what would prompt her to say it.
-I don't believe Cheerilee would jump out of a window. And why hadn't she heard this arguing/stopped it sooner? You introduce her kinda out-of-the-blue, in my opinion
-Diamond Tiara's and Scootaloo's characters were excellently-done in the first two thirds, but their character falls flat at the end. That whole reaction of them breaking down and crying and not hating each other? I couldn't buy that as you had written it.
-And then we get to Filthy Rich. His character was not done well at all. Do you remember how I said the mechanical writing falls apart? Here's where it does:
Here, it's not how it's being said. It's what is being said. It's so uncaring and mechanical that it doesn't sound real. And everything that follows after that from Filthy Rich doesn't help.
Also here, I can somewhat understand him reacting this way about Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo (even though JUST listing off their families' standings was a poor move, in my opinion), but... Silver Spoon? Diamond Tiara's closest friend? First off, why was it NOT brought up that Diamond Tiara hit Silver Spoon? Second, why is Filthy Rich not surprised by her reaction to her best friend? Is he THAT uncaring?
Sorry if this seems like a rant, but I'm being honest: I don't think you characterized Filthy Rich well.
Now we get to your actual plot. For the first two thirds, the story went along great. You had some big insults thrown at the CMC, and Diamond Tiara did good delivering them. Silver Spoon's role was brief but nice, and everything went along well. I commend you on your beginning.
Then it sorta fell apart when the adults intervened. Like I said earlier, Cheerilee's not noticing them arguing and fighting doesn't really make sense, and when Diamond Tiara and Scootaloo made up, it was done in a very unrealistic way (IN MY OWN OPINION). By the way, nothing was really resolved. DT degraded the CMC, and at the end she was shown kindness by them and she broke down. Scootaloo fought DT because of all her insulting, and then she talks about how she doesn't like hurting ponies and how she doesn't hate DT. Silver Spoon's pretty much forgotten at the end of this. In fact, I think a quote from Scootaloo would sum up my feelings for your ending:
BUT THAT'S JUST ME.
Anywho, in conclusion, this was an enjoyable read. Your characterization for the most part was great, your pacing was nice, you had control over your story most of the time, and your grammar wasn't bad. Still, when your characterization was bad, it was verybad, and the ending ends on an odd note.
Again, use this comment/critique as you will. I wish you the best of your talents with your future stories.
1215212 Firstly, I'm glad you liked this and I'm happy that you're trying to help my writing improve.
First point: Oddly enough, I did write a comma, however Word (which I use to spell check) asked for a semicolon. Note to self, never listen to it.
The second point: That makes sense.
Third point on the interrobangs: I personally didn't think that I overused them when writing, I used them to strengthen the tone of the dialogue. I'll find the unneccesary ones.
Because I otherwise lack the skills to describe tones of voice I guess that's why I overuse adverbs. Thanks for the tip, though. Note to self, reduce adverbs.
I'll think I'll change SLAM to CRACK!.
IMPORTANT BITS
With Sweetie Belle, I know I made her a little omnicient. I dunno whether it's supposed to be closer to when they figure out the point of getting a cutie mark, she suddenly had an increase in understanding, or whether it's an off-thought. I might change that.
I might change the Cheerilee-out-the-window scene, and as for why she didn't hear the commotion I'm not sure. She was supposed to appear reasonably late, but I should probably add a scene from her perspective beforehand.
I did feel that the Scootaloo-Diamond scene at the end was a little flat myself. But, I wanted to end on a happy note, and I guess I thought that Scootaloo was trying to be the better mare (filly in this case), or maybe promised Rainbow something and she broke it.
I know that Rich's lines don't work, but I was struggling for reasons for him to be angry at Diamond and not Scootaloo or Cheerilee. If it helps, it was near midnight when I wrote that and I wanted to finish it before I went to bed.
I thank you for this entire thing. It looks like I have to do a major overhaul of this now
You know, you shouldn't feel bad because someone picked this story apart. You've not received any thumbs down for it, and you're gaining a lot of help from such a thing.
Hell, I'd say you're lucky.
Also, you used the wrong 'too/to' in your description. Last line, a step too far is what it should be.
1220444 Huh. Didn't think of it like that. Thaenks Maet.
1220453 Nauh warries.
1220452 #*&&%$%^#&&%$*%^#$%&#^%&$%U^#&^ I'll fix it now.
1216102 Thank you for taking my comments and criticisms maturely. They aren't meant to discourage you in any way; they are only meant to help. I hope to see more from you.
1220444 AND YOU! Thank you for encouraging him.
1228267 Very much welcome.
And, for the record, Badger's my brother, so that makes sense.
1228267 No worries, I guess.
"But I'm not going to bring up the fact you were the first one to throw a punch, because as Silver Spoon is your minion, it's your right to treat her that way."
MOAR!!!!
Serves Diamond right
.