Spike screws up a lot and angers Twilght a bit too much so he ends up feeling useless and leaves, when Twilight find out they feel guilty and try to find him.(Takes place before Season 9)
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 26th Nov, 2020
- offline last seen 7 hours ago
Starlight Fan
I am a big fan of Starlight Glimmer most of my stories center around her. I do crossovers as well.
Starlight Fan
Joined 26th Nov, 2020 ·
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Honestly, my respect for Twilight decreased in this chapter. I love Spike
And Starlight.
Rainbow Dash was a pain in the a*s, I'm sorry.
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I don’t blame you.
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Great story btw
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Thank you.
Ok read a few Spike runs away and they all have oen thing in common. They are too rushed, like this chapter.
Wonder how the Royal Sisters like Luna would react to what has happened there?
This kind of reminds me of Whobob Whatpants.
Anyway nearly everyone was ooc and they were too quick to turn on Spike.
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(Cough) Starlight didn’t turn on Spike. (Cough)
Sorry had a cold, anyway the reason they were so mad is because their memories were destroyed of course they were gonna feel angry and turn on him I meant to make their motives reasonable but a bit unjustified(Twilight saying she shouldn’t have hatched him was the one where she went too far).
How were they OOC? Asking to make this chapter better.
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Well for one thing they wouldn’t be that quick to anger.
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Yeah but with instances like Canterlot Wedding and Owls Well That Ends Well it kinda makes sense don’t you think.
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They can be quick to anger, but even in "Owls Well That Ends Well", there's a few differences between how Twilight acted in that episode vs how she was in this story.
For one thing, in "Owls Well That Ends Well", exactly how much she saw might be a tad unclear, but Twilight saw Spike trying to frame the Owl (can't spell his name), laughing like a classic villain, so she knew what he was doing. When she did scold Spike, she was mad, but she also said how she was "disappointed" and what she saw wasn't the Spike she cared about.
But, in this fic, it appears that she just showed up and saw the burnt book and yelled at him almost right away. Unlike in "Owls Well That Ends Well", Spike wasn't acting guilty here, but whether worried about what Twilight might think. I feel that things also escalated especially quick when Twilight said
Even if it was out of anger and she didn't really mean it, that was a little too much, given how things went so south, so fast. This is more or less coming off the top of my head, but Twilight saying something like, "That book meant so much to me! I thought you understood that, so why did you burn it?! I thought you were better than that!" I think would be a little more in character, yet she's still angry and not exactly likable.
The rest of the mane 6 are more or less OOC, or at least close to it, especially Rainbow calling Spike a monster right off the bat. Even if she was pissed, I feel that was a little overkill and OOC. Even when Spike was in tears, the mane 6 didn't seem to care at all and just kept going, and only eased up once Twilight went too far, so it wasn't like he was getting mad and was arguing back. I don't recall them ever going that far in the show without them being in a bad mood beforehand or something. But even then, there are only two times I remember something like that happening: one was when Sunset Shimmer went off on Sci-Twi and made her ran away in tears, but she didn't calm down right away. Sunset was already really stressed out by that point, so it wasn't like she just got mad, like how the characters in this story did. Then there was when Fluttershy said something similar in "Getting Her Hoof Down" to Rarity and Pinkie, but she also wasn't acting like herself when it happened. But, maybe a character did keep laying into a character that was in tears, but I just don't remember.
About Rarity, she brought up the Ember & Thorax mess in "Triple Threat", but she wasn't in that episode. It's obvious that she heard about it off-screen, but she's talking like she was there and saw it with her own eyes, unless the version she got left out Spike's reasons (even if they ended up not being the case) and thus she thought it was even worse. In general, everything felt a little rushed.
To be fair, this is pretty much what happens in many other Spike runs away stories: mane 6 act somewhat bitcher than usual (and it's not even justified: more on this later) to help justify Spike becoming upset enough to run away.
Now, Starlight's role is...oh boy. Starlight herself was not bad (obviously) but when Starlight haters claim episodes sometimes make other characters -- usually Twilight and the mane 6 -- look bad for her to look good, this first chapter is a perfect example of how that would look. She even had a reaction to Spike going on a rampage, something she wasn't there for, but in Spike's defense; She reminded how he didn't have control of himself, despite the other characters actually being there to see the whole thing. Sure, Rainbow could have forgotten that in anger, but it is still an example of how a character is made worse while Starlight looks good at the same time, not that it's her fault, of course.
If you'll like some more input on how to make the chapter better, I can try to give it. Maybe something could happen to make Spike start having doubts, so he's more vulnerable; this could help him get upset enough to run off without needing the mane 6 to be overly harsh for it to be believable.
Next, with the first chapter being just over 1,000 words, that's partly why things feel rushed and had things happen so fast. I feel that something like this should be at least 2,000 words or more (depending on how much details like body language or more narration to help things is added), and most of all if it starts things off with something happening to make Spike doubt himself. Maybe this could happen in a Prologue if it would make the chapter be too long for you.
As for the mane 6, I would think about just having it be between only Twilight and Spike, so the rest of the mane 6 don't have to risk being OOC, OR have only some of them (Like Rainbow and/or Applejack) be the ones to join Twilight in scolding Spike. This could allow other characters to be the "good", levelheaded characters like Starlight is, or Starlight could be somewhere else, but come in later to help out--and maybe give a quick scolding. If Twilight ended up being the one to say the most hurting things, maybe something could put her (and for that matter, other characters what will lay into Spike) in a bad mood beforehand. It wouldn't make her any more likable, but at least help further justify her saying something particularly hurtful, not just rash. You are more likely to say out-of-line stuff you would normally never say when you're already in a bad mood.
Another thing you could think about doing is having Spike stand up to Twilight and argue with her back. This could further anger Twilight, the two get more and more upset at each other, and it could eventually come to a head by Twilight saying something out of line, and Spike either become depressed by it, or become angrier than ever and either go to his room and write this "goodbye" note (an angry one), or he could just be like "You don't want me, Twilight? Fine, I'm out of here" and storm out on the spot.
One more thing I would point out is how the rest of the mane 6, not even Fluttershy, didn't seem to care about Twilight going too far with Spike, yet Rainbow took issue with Starlight scolding Twilight, deservedly, since Starlight didn't go that far. I felt like other characters should have got on Twilight's case too, at least before she started crying and ran off. It was also a little tough to tell if Twilight was crying over the guilt from her words, or just because she was laid into and her feelings got hurt, since she ran off, but didn't say something like "what have I done?"
If Twilight were to come to her senses soon enough, she could be the one to go to Spike's room and find the note, either alone or with another character(s) with her
I guess that's all I got right now. Hope it can help, because I think this story could really be something, if it can avoid the common pitfalls that a lot of Spike runs away stories have, like the mane 6 being extra mean, even if Spike did something to upset them (which is common in this story), especially when it's something that Spike didn't even mean to do. The damage might be done with the thumbs down, but still.
This needs a bit more of work. We need more to give us suspense and build up. The characters are just there.
Twilight and co just pop out of nowhere just to abuse him for destroying the gift they made for Twilight, so spike has an excuse to run away and the way they act feels so out of place and forced. Also Starlight was suppose to be out doing magic but once spike burnt the book its like it triggered an alarm off, that teleported them all to that exact location.
Yes, making the memory book might have been a bit difficult for them, they had to keep it a secret while getting the memories.
But to actually have her say she should have never hatched him is something Twilight would never say. Twilight would be upset and a little angry but not that far.
Also Starlight and Spike helped make the memory book. Why would they show it to Starlight, unless you haven't seen Friendship is forever.
On a personal note regarding Spike runs away mean mane 6: The mane 6 was mean and doesn't bring him on adventures, spike runs away, my fault, gag is so old its an eye roller at this point, seen to many and read to many.
Spike and Twilight's Dynamic is strange but Its what makes It so well done. Twilight doesn't say much neither does spike. Out of the whole show I don't think you ever her them say they love one another. but their care for each other is shown more in body language and one sided hugs then words and I absolutely love the dynamic. My most favorite scene is when Twilight gives Spike the Friendship ambassador spot and that is the most wholesome hug she gives him.
I'm not an expert, I haven't even released a story at all but from someone that is actually trying to get into it. I do know the characters are not this shallow and cold hearted over one mistake.
But don't let this stop you from writing keep it up and keep improving.
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This is Pre-Season 9.
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10745553
Thank you both for your feedback I will use those to edit this chapter. I know now that Twilight, the Mane 5, and Starlight coming out of nowhere seems out of place so I'll try to work it's way into the story a bit better.
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I changed the chapter a bit hopefully I improved it.
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It overall looks better than it was before, and Spike trying to stand up for himself was good. I don't think he did it quite enough to spark Twilight to say, out of anger, that maybe she shouldn't have hatched his egg, since that's the same as her saying "Sometimes I wish you weren't born". Even out of anger, that's really harsh, giving all they had been through.
I know I didn't specifically point it out, but Spike trying to turn the tables and bring up mistakes Twilight made would have been a good option since she was scolding him so bad about times he messed up,. It seems like one of the more common pitfalls in Spike runs away stories is that writers tend to make Spike a tad too sympathetic (I.e. not trying to counter with times Twilight screwed up and instead looked a little too much like a victim) while at the same time the mane 6, especially Twilight, too often look a little too unsympathetic for one reason or another, which I think tend to make it feel forced, or more forced then it really might be. Plus, I think this is a type of story that's tougher to write than it might seem, thus those pitfalls are common. Kinda like how romance can be tougher to write than it might seem.
That said, I do think this is an improvement. I liked that the rest of the mane 6 did try to step in, and even Twilight doesn't feel quite as OOC this time which at least Spike tried to stand his ground this time, and she also showed regret right away, showing she knew she went way too far. I still feel more needed to happen and Spike should have said some stuff about Twilight, if she would need to say that maybe she shouldn't have hatched Spike (even out of anger), or she should have said something less harsh but still out of line. Still, it's an improvement, especially her reaction to her words, so good work there.
Poor Spike. Nice going, Twi.
Hope the gang finds Spike soon.
Ok, I feel sorry for spike, but at the same time he needs to grow a back bone. If I was him I would have Pointed out all the times she’s not only been a terrible friend, but also sibling, student, and princess, and as soon as she says that she wish she never hatched me I would have just shot fire at her. As for the note, I wouldn’t even write one. And as for rainbow dash, if I had magic or any powers, best believe she’s not flying with the wonderbolts for a long time.
I mean, celestia might actually do that. She has an act for f*cking characters over.
This story is being rewritten.
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Will it have the same title?
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Yes.