A Place in Equestria IV: Shadow Play

When Twilight and her friends bring the six pillars back after hearing the return of the Pony of Shadows, it’s up to them to work together and stop this threat. But can they keep Thomas safe as well?

Chapters (7)

Chapter 1: The Pony of Shadows’s Return/The Pillars of Equestria’s Story · 25th Jan 2021 · 1,014 words
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Chapter 2: A Plan to Save the Pillars · 26th Jan 2021 · 1,728 words
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Chapter 3: Retrieval of the Artifacts & Return of the Pillars · 29th Jan 2021 · 3,220 words
3,220
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Chapter 4: Thomas Meets the Pillars/A Plan to Banish the Pony of Shadows · 29th Jan 2021 · 1,780 words
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Chapter 5: The Backstory of Stygian · 30th Jan 2021 · 2,556 words
2,556
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Chapter 6: Journey To The Hollow Shades · 31st Jan 2021 · 1,154 words
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Chapter 7: Facing the Pony of Shadows/Reunited with Stygian and Equestria · 31st Jan 2021 · 1,835 words
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Normal #1 · Jan 25th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter 1: The Pony of Shadows’s Return/The Pillars of Equestria’s Story ·

Seems like your story could use some editing, would you like some help?

The Blue EM2

The Blue EM2 #2 · Jan 25th, 2021 · 2 · · Chapter 1: The Pony of Shadows’s Return/The Pillars of Equestria’s Story ·

“The Pony of Shadows?! But how?!” Twilight asked. The Pony of Shadows then let out an evil cackle, and then looked at the group of ponies that stood in front of him. “After all these years, I’m finally free! And I can finally have my revenge!” The Pony of Shadows said. “How did you appear?!” Sunburst asked. “Well, I have that apelike creature there to thank!” The Pony of Shadows replied, pointing at Thomas, who was hiding underneath Fluttershy and hugging her foreleg, until she shielded him with her wing. “It’s not my fault! It was an accident!” Thomas said. “Of course it was! And now that the pillars aren’t here to stop me, I can finally spread this world with eternal darkness forever!” The Pony of Shadows said, and then flew off with a puff of smoke.

You have multiple characters talking in the same paragraph, making it very hard to figure out who is saying what. The rule in English is that when a new character starts speaking, you start a new paragraph. Here is the above paragraph again, but edited with this in mind;

“The Pony of Shadows?! But how?!” Twilight asked.
The Pony of Shadows then let out an evil cackle, and then looked at the group of ponies that stood in front of him. “After all these years, I’m finally free! And I can finally have my revenge!” (removed a dialogue marker here, as it's already clear the PoS is speaking.)
“How did you appear?!” Sunburst asked.
“Well, I have that apelike creature there to thank!” The Pony of Shadows replied, pointing at Thomas, who was being shielded by Fluttershy. (removed superflous detail and restructured the sentence, as it was rather clunky.)
“It’s not my fault! It was an accident!” Thomas said.
“Of course it was! And now that the pillars aren’t here to stop me, I can finally spread this world with eternal darkness forever!” The Pony of Shadows said, and then flew off with a puff of smoke.

I would also suggest using a bit more variety in your dialogue markers, rather than just using 'said', 'asked', 'shouted', and so forth all the time.

Starlight Nova