Jake Gray lost his family eight years ago, and for eight years he fought crime, trying to track down the man responsible. When he finds him, however, a twist of fate throws him from his world and delivers him to the city of Canterlot. How will he cope? Will he continue to fight crime now that he's billions of miles away from home? You just have to read on, my friends, and find out. Rated Teen for violence and language.
Cover made by The Grey Pegasus, who is an awesome artist and story writer. Check him out!
Author's Note: This is my first fic, dear readers, but don't interpret that as me begging you to go easy on me. You see a mistake? See something you don't like? Tell me. Yell it at me! Crumple it up, spit on it, and throw it at my face (not literally, of course)! I want to know. It's the only way I'll get better.
5 dislikes and no comments? Ill just like for that.
This is brutally epic and hardboiled action at its finest. Hail Bloodflow!
I don't really see much of a reason why this should have dislikes. Did I go too crazy with the cover or something? Maybe you should've waited until you established more connection with Equestria. That's all I can think of.
And you seem to like the phrase "boys down in R&D"
don't ya...
(Oh yeah, and it's usually standard to give cover credit in the desceiption.)
I reserve the right to like or dislike depending on the ponies reactions to le human
1187819
I'm going to assume that the R&D comment was a gay joke... and it was a pretty good one
(btw, just put the credit in. sry bout that)
1187961
and that is your right. Hopefully, you won't be disappointed
1187976
It actually wasn't. You used it in another story... Hint hint.
Ironic to the conversation some time ago, you actually got extended front page time.
1187190
Honestly, seeing as it's a HiE fic, I'm not surprised. Thanks for the like
1188001
Oh I know about the other story. I just assumed with the wink that it was a gay joke. Sometimes I hate my dirty mind
1187775
Glad you like it. Hopefully I don't disappoint in the future
1188010
To be honest, I kinda expected it to probably be taken as a gay joke anyways.
Yep it's written well it just needs to be non-stereotypical HIE plot
These stories are becoming more and more common...
well.. looks like it's time to find another fanfic site. I hear EQD has a nice selection...
1188039
Well, if you hate HiE fics, then yeah, EQD would probably be your place. I'm pretty sure they don't allow HiE at all. Shame you didn't like the story. Oh well, can't win 'em all.
Not trying to be gushy here, but I've actually been looking for a story like this since I first joined this site.
1188234
No kidding? Well, glad I could satiate your desires, my good man. Look forward to more of Bloodflow in the future
I didn't think it that bad actually. 'Save the main character's rather awful name. Story was 'kay.
1188361
Thanks for the feedback. Names are prolly my weakest area, so I can't say I'm surprised. Thank you for voicing your opinions.
1188382
I said millions, not one million. Maybe I should change it to billions?
1. The biggest rule with storytelling is "show, don't tell". However, you want to get into the action so badly that you just narrate the backstory of your main character to us. Because of this we have exactly no connection to your main character, we know nothing about him as a person, and we don't care. His family dies, and that should be a big moment, but instead we kind of shrug. We've never seen his family, we've never seen them interact, they don't even have names for god's sake.
2. I imagine that if government scientists screwed up something that messed up a person's life as badly as having metal gloves and boots on all the time they would be sued for quite a bit, unless he signed a waiver of course. Also, having metal boots and gloves on all the time would cause serious issues with sweat, lack of sunlight, nail growth, and untreatable fungi.
3. Why would the officers be given powerful experimental technology to keep at their houses? Police officers' squad cars and shotguns are kept at police stations until they are needed, then they are checked out while the officer is on duty. Now that's for a car and a longarm, imagine what they would do if it was experimental lasers and rocket packs.
4. Waiver or not if the U.S. government fired a man for no other reason than a faulty experiment they held, there would be a massive wrongful termination lawsuit, like headline news big.
5. Why go through all that trouble to get police super-soldiers for their corporate army? I mean, they have an injection that causes mind control. They could pick up bums off the street, or import people from Singapore. The absolute WORST people they could have picked for this are government representatives from first world nations.
6. Did the U.S. government have no oversight at all on this project? The U.S. makes people do months of testing before they let people put out shampoo. They do months of animal testing, then run human trials in controlled environments. That's shampoo, this is gloves and boots filled with needles that inject mind control drugs, but they didn't question it at all?
7. If these guys are under mind control then 7a) How did Bloodflow force him to talk and 7b) This introduces the idea than the actions of this man aren't his fault. This man is a police officer that has tragically had six years of his life stolen from him and been forced to do horrible, horrible things. The psychological trauma from that kind of event makes this man a noble victim, and your psychotic protagonist ignores the entire dilemma and outright murders him. Your protagonist is an evil human being and I hope he dies.
8. Why did Dynamicorp go to the man's house and rip his place apart and kill his family? They would have known the gloves weren't there, the officers that worked with him knew they were fused and the company was the one who did the testing in the first place. He has nothing of any value to them and they killed his family just for fun. I know they weren't there to kill him, otherwise they probably would have just shot him or had a team of people with machineguns pick him up instead of a single unarmed man who takes the time to punch holes in the walls.
If you want to fix this thing up the first thing to do is take it out of America, and make your character a bad person. If these were illegal experiments being done by Somalian pirates to make raiding boats easier it would help. Your character can be a heartless jackass who kills people, corporations know no one is going to miss Somalian pirates, and legality isn't really an issue. Next take time for that boring "character development" thing, I know it's not exciting, but it needs to be done if you want anyone to care. Good luck wingnut.
1188454
FINALLY, some really gritty and well educated criticisms.
1. I'll remember that.
2. Can't actually think of a counterpoint.
3. There are no lasers or rocket packs here. As for that first part, the power abuse was done on the job.
4. Good point.
5. Bums aren't trained. Police officers are.
6. I Probably should have delved into that further.
7. And you found the moral dilemma. Congrats.
8. I probably should have thought that over a bit
Overall, most of what your saying is valid, and I take it all to heart. The whole "character development" thing is something I need to work on, and hopefully I'll improve as time goes on. The whole Somali thing isn't a bad idea. Well, thank you for your criticism, and for being better then people who just thumb down and leave, not even giving any feedback. I'll try and make things better in my future chapters and stories. Have a nice day
MY PARENTS ARE DEEEAAAD.
Not bad. Not bad at all.
Liked the plot, Spelling/grammar seems fine, and overall a descent read.
1189359
Actually it's his wife and kid, but close enough. made me lol.
MY FAMILY IS DEAAAAAD!
1189639
1189709
Thanks. I am thinking of reworking the first chapter, however, after Nagasaki's wall of criticism (which I actually welcome and encourage.)
1188599
And...done!
In not against HIE stories, unless they are those basic, run-of-the-mill stories, which yours isn't, I can't wait wait for the next chapter either!
1203872
Awesome! I was hoping to keep it away from the stereotypical formula of "Person goes to equestria, befriends the main 6, turns to pony/goes home". Now all that's left for me to do is actually start work on the next chapter. I think I have a good starting point, but I'm still going through ideas. It'll be out soon enough, though. dont you worry
1204578
You did I fine job of it so far! This is most likely gonba be one of my favorite stories from what I've read so far, I like the plot a lot.
1207091
Hey, thanks, man. I appreciate that.
No problem!
Well, that was interesting. However:
Initial thoughts were in ', and later ". So...
On an unrelated note, this chapter also reminds of a random story, by the title of Compliance.
1512365
What do you mean by "Initial thoughts were in ', and later ""?
1512371
Just look.
1512427
Ah, ok. I get it now. thanks
I enjoy reading this story xD so MOAR
1512546
1512609
Glad you liked it. Hopefully, I write the next part a little faster than this one
Whoooaaaa!!! Your story has a positive ratio now!
Oh, and hi.
1586161
Wait, what?
*Goes to check*
WOO!
New York. New York. NEEWW YYOORRRKKK.
It's been so long (including the collab) that I forgot how fun your writing style was.
2109485
Thanks. Hopefully Altoid and the gang can get back together in the future.
Soon enough. Geez, I want to turn my downvote into an upvote