Borednow
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it's not brutal bad... I give it a 6/10 I mean I read it so far and this is what I could come up with. It may be incomplete now... but unfortunate that I'll have to wait for the rest.
10525011
First, thanks for giving it a read.
Second, may I ask you what the really bad parts are? It would help me a lot
10525057
not very much... just some punctuations on all chapters.
10525103
thanks, I'll keep that in mind
early days still. It is a good start to the story, just make shure you switch back and forth between Equs confedaration and the Imperium at regular interwalls so that no side gets to far a head in the story.
I agree whit 10525011 a 6/10. Averige whit great potantial.
It seems you are quoting a lot from "Helsreach" book quite religiously. I mean wow there is just so many.
10526073
I swear that the only intentional reference is in the third chapter.
You're missing a comma after 'now', and a period after 'her'. "He wants to..." should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a new sentence, and it's also missing a period at the end. You have several mistakes like these throughout the dialogue.
Also, maybe it's explained later on, but there being pirates doesn't make any sense. Where would they come from? If Equestria has only just started its space exploration (like the description suggests), then space faring vessels would be incredibly rare. Not to mention the only place where they could refuel and refit would be Equestria itself, so, right under the noses of the people they're raiding.
Another thing, why would their vessels be armed? Space exploration involves a lot of danger, but it's not danger that guns can do anything about. Unless the pones have come into contact with, say, armed forces (like pirates that don't really make sense, for one) opposing them, but that doesn't make much sense if they've only just started exploring their nearby space. Not to mention Twilight would more likely than not be stuffing these vessels with nothing but scientific equipment.
On a lesser note, I find it weird that you're angling for the whole 'Twilight is lonely' bit. One would think the princess of friendship would remain capable of making new friends, even after the others have passed. But anyway.
Also, the blatant disrespect to the Twilicorn and sole ruler of Ponequestria feels extremely out of place. The explanation provided really does nothing to make it seem plausible either. Twilihorse just comes off as a massive pushover, even if she 'puts the guy in his place', towards the end there. I mean, shouldn't that guy not be employed by her anymore at this point?
Anyway, those are my problems with the first chapter.
10528885
thanks for the very valuable feedback
I’m hoping this will be more than just yet another dime a dozen ‘curbstomp the ponies’ warhammer 40k crossover fiction. The writing is solid and I’m interested in the story, but there are just so many of this that it makes me tune out almost immediately.
10579517
Thanks.
I'm glad you find this interesting and I hope I'll be able to keep your interest with what I have planned.
I hope we aren't just going to see Space Marines and get some imperial guard involed.
Interesting, eager to see where this goes, You know, I always wondered how the Imperium would react to talking ponies, was an idea for a story but got stuck on setting
interesting and good so far, keep it up
10702196
I'm glad you're liking this
I hope you'll like the rest
10702435
sure i do
Aww, poor Flurry Heart. The warp is not fun.
Ooh, this is REALLY bad for the ponies and friends. Is this Equestria already, or a colony world?
10702501
We're still in a colony. For now.
10702527
You're description seems to imply that the Star Lords will find the magic of friendship. What's the ETA on that happening?
10702541
I can't start doing spoilers now, can I? But I can tell you that the ride might go on for a while.
10702549
Hopefully nothing too bad happens to the ponies. Ah well, if there's one thing Twilight's good at, it's turning and forgiving villains. The real worry will be the rest of the Imperium. Because an enemy that can peacefully persuade is more dangerous than an enemy that can forcefully destroy.
Ahhhh, this started promising but its looking like its just going to be yet another dime a dozen ‘40k slaughters ponies’ bit... I’ll keep reading a bit longer hoping that it avoids that boring trope, rare is the fiction that knows how to blend both aspects of a crossover into a seemless mesh, I’m hoping this evolves into one of them.
My complaints about the content aside the writing itself is quite good. Use of descriptive language, grammar, and characterization comes across clear and crisp. Its all very good from a technical standpoint, my concern is more from the content. Still work a like at the very least for the quality writing even if I don’t end up sticking with it.
better late than never
Poor Equestrians, they are discovering the horrors that wait in the Void.
This is 40k. There will always be candles.
Oh god BURN IT! Twilight is DAMNED!
I repeat, BURN IT.
Pffft. If he only knew.
Scratch that, BURN THE WHOLE SHIP.
Jeez, the Ponies are like the Tau but even more naive. They don't stand a chance, and even if they do, they'll lose their identity. They will not win in war against a society who has perfected it over 10,000 years.
10702653
Why is not a good thing??!!
Sure, MLP will obviously be One-Shot by a OP Grimdark Universe of that is Warhammer 40K ( WH40K ).
But, I personally like to have a Alliance/Friendship with the Peaceful Ponies ( And other MLP Races ), and between the Imperium Of Man! And then they can help each other to face, and kill the REAL Evil Threats out their ( Chaos, Orks, Tyranids, Drukhari/Dark Eldar, and probably the Necrons ).
And the "less hostile" Xenos like the Eldar, Tau, and some Necrons could be potential allies. Just as long they don't screw with us, and we promise not to screw with them back!!!!!
10836790
I like those stories a lot more myself, actually. I'm currently (kind of) writing a story where Rainbow Dash Rainbooms into the Imperium, the Emperor sanctions ponies, and eventually things get better for everyone. Hopefully I'll write enough to post it someday.
While I may have enjoyed the opening more, before the premis was introduced;
but now you finally get the act together, under the banner of the promises the premis presented.
10836905
That's nice! And does everyone/everypony in Equestria/Equis be sanctioned or "indoctrinated" to the Imperium of Man as well?! Or just Rainbow Dash?!
10837306
Rainbow Dash at first, because he senses the anti-chaos energies present in her element (and Equestrian magic in general), but he decides to just sanction the whole species for simplicity's sake. Mostly because the Elements require a full set of cooperative individuals who embody ideals that have not been common in humanity for thousands of years. This, of course, leads to certain elements of the Imperium worshiping "the Holy Xenos" (the ones not crying Heresy, of course), and a crusade forming to find the xenos homeworld, with Dash, (and whatever ponies also end up in the 41st millennium, such as the Crusaders and Warboss Fluttershy) leading the way. Eventually, if I ever get that far, Equis and all of its races will be folded into the Imperium.
Also Rainbow Dash is first found by the Rainbow Warriors. Of course.
static.wikia.nocookie.net/warhammer40k/images/e/eb/Rainbow_Warriors_Armor.png
10837452
Nice story idea. I actually do like stories where us ( Humanity ), and the Ponies ( And other MLP Species ) are friends/allies. And fight against very evil bad guys down. And it's rare to see the Imperium Of Man ( Of all Fictional Human Factions ) to be friends with Equestria/Planet Equis!!!
And found by the "Rainbow Warriors"??!! We have so many Space Marine Chapters, huh?!
And why is Fluttershy with the Orks??!!!
Also, it sounds like that the Emperor sounds ok, and isn't a giant skeleton in his Golden Throne anymore??!!
10837515
It's rare because the Imperium is so incredibly xenophobic that it takes serious suspension of disbelief to even entertain the idea of cooperation with ponies. I want to write something that's at least semi-believable.
Heh, the Rainbow Warriors are actually what inspired me to start this in the first place. I wanted to see Dash meet them, and it just grew from there.
Dash is missing, and everyone is distraught. Fluttershy persuades a very reluctant Discord into sending her to wherever Dash is, because she knows her friend would do the same for her. Unfortunately, she ends up in the middle of a horde of Orks. They think she's so pitiful she's barely even worth krumpin'. However, their attitude makes her so mad she uses the Stare on them. This accidentally connects her directly to the WAAAAAAGH energy and makes her more orky, similar to that time she linked with a fruit bat and turned into a vampire. This, coupled with her beating up some of their strongest Boys (if she can wrestle a bear, she can wrestle an Ork), quickly causes the Orks to think she's the Bee's Knees, and the "Pink Butterflois" warband (name pending, if you have any other suggestions I'd appreciate it) spreads throughout the stars. Her talent at creating separate personalities allows her to keep the Boys in line without losing her true self. She manages to convince the Orks to leave civilians alone (because what's the use in krumpin' some git that can't even give a propa fight?) and focuses mainly on "the big meanie's", like Tyranids, Necrons, occasional Space Marines, other Orks who won't accept Fluttershoi as Best Pony, and especially Chaos, who she hates with all of her being. The WAAAAGH of Warboss Fluttershy is unstoppable, until she is found by Inquisitor Sweetie Belle, and an agreement is made. From then on, those Orks are in an unstable alliance with the Imperium.
The Emperor is still a spooky boi confined to the golden toilet, (for now) but he uses the energy from RD's initial catastrophic destiny changing Rainboom into the warp to give himself enough strength to contact with certain groups as needed.
I also have LOTS of ideas for the CMC and Equestria Girls. I almost want to write this just to get to those parts.
10837579
Which Timeline for MLP is set in? And including on which period in WH40K Galaxy?
And what about the Loyal Primarchs/Chaos Daemon Princes themselves? Will they be involved?!
10837663
For MLP, this is actually difficult, because I really want the Cutie Mark Crusaders to be involved, and to get their Cutie-Marks in various Imperial factions. I'm thinking Tech-Adept Applebloom, Guardsmare Scootaloo, and Inquisitorial Adept Sweetie Belle. This means I need to have Rainbow Dash disappear pretty early on, early season 5 at the latest. However, I also want things to be pretty close to how they were around season 8 or 9, and taking Dash out early, and then the Crusaders, will change a lot for many reasons, not least of which is the emotional effect it would have on the characters. So I'm not sure. In any case, I'm planning on having time passing faster in the 40k galaxy than in Equestria. I'm thinking for the Imperium it will be close to the current time in the lore, around mid M2.
Oh I have lots of ideas for the Primarchs, don't you worry. Once Twilight gets involved, there's at least a couple I think she'd get along great with. One likes lists, paperwork, administration, and rules. The other loves books and magic. I wonder how good at redemption Twilight really is?
Also, did you know that in canon Leman Russ is in the Warp looking for a special tree that's supposed to have fruit/artifacts that can heal the Emperor and banish Chaos? Just something I thought was interesting.
Meh
10848031
If you could elaborate, that would be very helpful.
10837713
If you want ponies to join or work with the imperium I would recommend having a powerful radical inquisitor or a inquisitor cabal as these are the people who are willing to use chaos weapons and bind demons to help the imperium if one saw these ponies and the effect they had on the warp as the warp is shaped by all our thoughts and emotions they would probably help them especially if magic is separated from the warp
10848946
That's what I was thinking, they'd have to get lucky with whatever Ordo Xenos Inquisitor is sent to deal with them.
10849209
I would say that it would be better if they met someone from the ordo malleus because of the whole magic thing they have going
Also it’s ordo xenos job to deal with xenos not demons and warp stuff well some inquitors in the ordo xenos work with xenos it usually is either a small group or the aldari for a short time
10850640
Well they are xenos, but something as important as a magic using xenos species being sanctioned by the Emperor himself would likely get multiple Inquisitors involved. Of course, they would likely try to sabotage the others. I was also thinking of bringing in the Aquilan Shields, special Custodes with purple robes who protect people they're pretty sure will do something important in the future, as an added incentive for leaving the pony alone.
Nicely done, worth the wait! But something i noticed
why cut the sentence of like that?
10915008
editing error, let me fix that
10915013
Youre welcome
10915014
thanks, hope haven't made any others
10915016
That was the only one i could find
10915017
good, thanks again.
10915018
And again, you are welcome
This Marine is not very genre savvy.
Uh oh, does this mean the Equestrians are turning to darker powers for help in fighting the Imperium? They would not be the first, and certainly not the first to regret it. Or maybe it's a pre-existing cult that was hiding out in the Everfree forest. This is the Everfree right? Are they already on Equus?
Ohoho, it's not Chaos. Well, it might be of a sort. I'm thinking Discord's involved. You know, if anything could make a marine rethink their beliefs besides Chaos, it would be the Tree of Harmony. And does this indicate a traitor marine siding with the ponies is already here?
10915217
When we reach Equestria proper, I will make it very clear, do not worry.
As for the second question, I can confirm your assumption is correct.
One minor gripe. Since this chapter is an Imperial Fist successor, they don't have the gland that allows them to spit acid as their gene seed would have degraded to the point where it doesn't develop, unless this is an Ultima Founding chapter.