Love the cover image.
I'll read it when I'm done with proofreading my chapter.

So, when comes the obvious sequel of Fluttershy asking out Twilight, Twilight agreeing, and then they hook up with Rarity and Pinkie and blow the roof off the boutique?

EDIT: Oh, you want constructive criticism too. Hm...

Well, you overuse a few words multiple times, which I see as the most common grievance among clop fics; people who aren't good at describing sexual situations tend to recycle the same words and phrases in order to fill space or complete a paragraph. But that was really it. It wasn't smut and it was an enjoyable read. I think you've found your new calling, mate.

Gotta love blackfurry's art always so fluffy, I think I'll give this a read now.

1167423

Based on the second chapter, I'd say you throw away those fears from the first, and indulge on it, which has cleared those problems.

That is entirely up to you, though.

raripieshy? Liked just for that

I'm honestly not sure if I want to read this story...

What am I saying? This story is by the same author who masterfully created A Bluebird's Song. *clicks on chapter one*

Very sweet and hot at the same time. Any chance of a Fluttershy/Twilght sequel?

1166832 Me too!

I personally thought the moniker of 'pink party pony' came up much too often in regards to any other descriptor. Although it does have a nice ring to it and the alliteration is tempting, it got a bit distracting by the third chapter for me. Otherwise, the relationship s were weel-though-out and insightful; the friendship vs. committed relationship line was obvious during every act. Rarity was perfectly insecure, Fluttershy was woefully inexperienced and oh-so-willing to trust and learn, and Pinkie was... Pinkie. A wonderful read.

Seriously well written. Unlike most others, this one had a good story in it, so it was not only clop all the way. Props to you!

Woah................................... Dat ending..........
Loved the story, fellow brony. Is there any hope for a sequel?

1174022 Eeeup

Can we get a source for that cover image please?

1174879 Trust me, I've been trying to find one. Unfortunately, it was originally posted on Ponibooru which has since closed down, and the only instances I can find are two decent-quality versions, one of which is on a furry site, and neither of which offer a source of author. Someone mentioned he was called Blackfurry though, and Googling Blackfurry does not yield pleasant results.

1173408 That's a good point, I'll have a trawl for that. It's just a nightmare trying not to use actual names to the point of insane repetition. Glad you liked the story anyhow!

Huge thanks for the comments/faves to everyone else, it's much appreciated.

Just finished (heh twice actually). Really solid clopfic overall, short enough to finish in less than two hours, but still fairly high in quality, few noticeable grammar errors. If you make a Twi-Shy sequel, I'll definitely read it. From your blog post it looks like you're in touch with what you can do to improve, and considering this WAS only your first try it looks like you may well turn out very good at writing this kind of fic. There was nothing truly wrong with the story, but like you said, there's room for improvement in the descriptive bits and such. Keep on and stay confident.

sequel!
now!

1174898
Here you go: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/6974471/

1186423 Awesome, thanks a bunch.

Edit: Turns out the picture is by someone called Blackfury, not Blackfurry. I was grossly misinformed, ladies and gentlemen!

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED IT!!!

One of the best stories I've read of its genre, and I've read a LOT (of all genres, not just this).
Sequel showing "bookwormey fun stuff" please?

very nice story a little kinky and still very vanilla and a great plot (ah i see what i did there) would very much like to see a sequel

Great ending. I'd love to read a sequel if you happen to write one. Considering that Twilight and Fluttershy are both fairly repressed sorts, I imagine Rarity and Pinkie just staring, open-mouthed, at what happens when they both cut loose at the same time.

1209428 Thanks so much for all the comments, detailed feedback's always hugely appreciated! I'm away at the moment with only a dodgy smartphone connecting me to the outside world, but I'll do a proper reply as soon as I'm back at the keyboard. Thanks once again!

Well done - as always! Keep it up! The feelings and sensations were depicted with great attention and accuracy, bringing them to life vividly and passionately. It takes a lot to depict such saucy scenes without becoming vulgar - and you have enough talent to do so! Thumbs up!

1208822 Whew, okay, I'm back at a real computer now.

Anyway, thanks a lot for taking the time to do a proper critique. About the name usage, synonyms are definitely something I'll cut back on in future. I wasn't sure how distracting it was, because obviously reading your own work is never ideal for perspective, so I'm glad you've picked me up on that. I guess it's a matter of balance, adding flavour to the writing without over-using that kind of thing. Also, facepalm. I'm not 100% how those luxuriants and homelys found their way in there, so I'll get rid of them... thanks for flagging that up.

About the matter of Fluttershy's consent, that was something that I was pretty indecisive about, in truth. Actually, in the original draft, I had a scene in which Rarity sat Fluttershy down and explained more or less what they wanted to do, but in the end I scrapped it because it had two huge characterization problems. Firstly, I don't doubt that Rarity would have gotten cold hooves at the prospect of having to tell Flutters her intentions before going ahead, given her pretty skittish attitude towards the whole thing, and secondly, I'm pretty convinced that Fluttershy would never have agreed to it. The only reason I can see for this story's interpretation of Fluttershy to go along with it is if the reading on her 'actually-this-is-pretty-damn-hot-o-meter' was outweighing her 'oh-god-this-is-wrong-o-meter', and trying to verbally explain their intentions without any way of keeping her there would almost certainly have scared her off, in my opinion.

I do see what you mean though. In a way, that undercurrent of creepiness is kind of unavoidable considering Rarity's not-entirely-pure intentions. In truth, I think a lot of Rarity's underlying motives in this story mean that her whole character could easily be looked at as pretty damn creepy in many respects.

Anyway, I'm really glad you generally enjoyed the story. Thanks once again for the detailed response!

No wonder this story is as good as it is! I read it all, THEN noticed the author. Doh!
Love how you showed Flutters crawling out of her shell here, and getting the courage needed from her friends...

...although I must admit, i spent most of the time thinking: "Hmm. Raripie.. imminent FlutterTwi... I bet Appledash is right around the corner, too! "

And then I saw "story complete" and it all turned to ashes
(i kid, I kid. Still, I'd kill to see you tackle Appledash, and every story you write reinforces this desire)

1307600 Heh, Appledash is something I definitely intend to do at some point in the future. I'd probably try a one-shot and see if I find the dynamic enjoyable to write (which I probably would, knowing the characters). If so, who knows?

I must admit, the only reason I've not done it so far is that I've never really seen it as a ship that I could bring a new slant to in terms of the character interactions, but now I've had a think about it there are hopefully a few different angles I could try.

1308525
If it's one of your stories, I don't care how long it is!
There's admittedly less to work with for Appledash than there is for Twidash (I can't imagine AJ taking the place of Twi in Bluebird's Song, for example :P). However, it's impossible to ignore how comfortable the two are with each other. It just feels like a natural progression to go that step further :)

I can't wait to see what you do with them. And if you're willing, I'm more than open to brainstorming with you regarding them! They're pretty much my OTP so I'm pretty vested in them

1308599 Thanks!

I know what you mean about the connection the characters have, I mean it sometimes feels as if the actual show's shipping them a little bit. I think if I did a story based around them, it's probably be more from the point of view of them building a relationship based on their emotional connection to each other, rather than their athletic rivalry. As you say, taking their friendship that step further. I've considered in the past writing a story in which Applejack's the one who actually makes the first move romantically, probably as an Element-of-Honesty-induced awkward confession, but RD proves to be quite insecure/nervous about a relationship with another mare, or at least pretty oblivious or inexperienced when it comes to relationships generally. (Could be an opportunity for a shipfic based on more canon-accurate characterizations than Bluebird's Song.)

In any case, I'm definitely up for brainstorming at some time. I mean, you're generally accepted as the resident master of AppleDashery, so I'm sure I could learn a lot about the nuances of the pairing!

1308989
I like the sound of this already! I mean, the athletic part would be there regardless. That's part of what makes those two, well, them. But emotionally they just seem to be such great friends regardless of this. I would love to see your take on what you described, which admittedly has been done with almost every single ship, but I think you'd be able to show something different. The execution would count the most, and from what I've seen, you handle the execution awesomely!

Resident master... you're like the fifth person to tell me this >_> how did this happen!
(do you have skype? I can PM you mine if that works)

1308989
So you might be taking the leap to writing AppleDash huh?
It's only small step writing AppleDashLight afterwards
1309019
All hail Tchernobog, resident master of AppleDash (but still only co-admin in the AppleDash group )

1313877
Let him start with Appledash first you fool!

1313881

I support his AppleDash in any way
I'm just saying that afterwards, there might be room for polyamorous relationships (or more AppleDash)

1309019 Whew. Sorry it's taken a couple of days to get back. Had to go halfway across the country at really short notice. >_>

Anyway, Skype-wise, I created one a couple of weeks back, but my computer kind of choked on it for some reason and it stops responding every time I try to start it up. About the potential future AppleDash, I've had a couple of thoughts that could lead to a (hopefully) interesting story, probably set around/just after the time frame of Season 1, which I can drop you in a PM if you'd like to have a chat about it. Fingers crossed regarding the execution! I'm glad you think I'd be up to it, I just hope I don't derp the character interactions too badly...!

Regarding the "resident AppleDash master" title, I'm hardly surprised I'm not the first to say it, to be honest. Those Blue Wings is a tough act to follow!

1313877 I think any AppleDash I did would probably be monogomous... Although that doesn't mean I can't follow it up with an AppleDashLightShyRariPieSpikeVinylDerpyTaviLyraBon one-shot.

1320409
sure, PM away! :D

And I support this one shot

1320409
I like monogamous AppleDash the most but I'm just saying there isn't enough polyamory in fics and that AppleDashLight would be my favorite threesome shipping

Well done, but at some point in chapter two I noticed you use coo... a lot. It started bugging me a little after that, though not enough to ruin the story or anything.

1539938 Yeah, word-repetition is quite an issue with this story. It's something I've got my eye on now!

Some minor faults, one major immersion breaker (for nitpicking little me at least)

But overall, a great story, tender and gentle, yet hot and heavy aswell.

Great job, I would LOVE to see a sequel, or a prequel... hell, I'd love to see both.

A lovely story with my favourite ship RariPie done very well. I really enjoy Rarity written this way - it rings true that she would have this little hypercritical voice in the back of her mind.

1990409 That's certainly reasonable; naturally it's not going to be for everybody. If you've got a minute, would you mind my asking specifically what it is you dislike about the story? Is it the prose style that you find boring, or the plot, or characterization, or simply the genre of one-shot clop generally? I'm not in any way bemoaning the fact that you dislike the story, I'm just genuinely interested in potentially finding flaws in my style that I can hopefully correct in the future, particularly when they're significant enough to cause people to dislike the story overall. Receiving feedback is the main reason I write, and I can't improve without criticism.

Thanks!

2410609 It's a bit of a joke, to be honest. An eponym is just something that another thing is named after; sprinkles are called sprinkles because you sprinkle them.

The quote was along the lines of "She sprinkled them eponymously..." Ie: she sprinkled the sprinkles eponymously. It's a bit like saying "Fluttershy fluttered eponymously across the room."

I know it's kind of a weird choice of words, I just found it vaguely amusing at the time and decided to leave it in.

1990536

on feedback, i LOVED this story. that said, there are a few typoes, and maybe a few odd word choices that hiccup flow, but they are few enough that they are easily looked past. mostly i see what plagues a lot of authors, imagery. certain scenes seem to have movements of the characters insufficiently described, leaving me to wonder how a tongue got there without somepony having to move or shift in a way that wasn't mentioned.

overall i still say bravo, and i will certainly look forward to more.

I liked this quite a bit. Sexy times, two friends helping out another, feels like the world is still out there even when we're snatch-deep in a threesome. This has an emotional center that's solid, and most sexyfics don't even try to do that.

So! Having said nice things, I'm going to provide one piece of criticism. Get an editor! I don't emphasize it because you need it terribly, but because you needed so little polishing to make the story seamless and smooth. My stories always look better after a pre-reader's been through them, and better still after an editor runs through. I'm not a slouch with the English language, but everyone has rough spots in their writing.

If you smooth out your rough spots, you'll like your own stories more. That alone is a good reason, IMO.

2627644 Thanks for the feedback, I'm really glad you liked the story!

I definitely know what you mean about finding an editor; luckily, since writing this story, I've managed to find two awesome people who look over my stories before they're posted. It certainly helps, particularly given that it's more-or-less impossible to reliably proofread your own stories!

2627832

It is definitely a massive challenge. Your brain fills in stuff for you while you're reading.

DAMN YOU BRAIN

Good to hear, and again -- excellent premise. I'll have to take a look at the rest of your stories.

2628862 Exactly! I guess it's because you know what you want to say, so your brain just takes if from there and reads what it expects to!

Glad to hear you're planning on having a look at the other stuff! I'd probably point you in the direction of Under the Aurora if you're looking around my other stories, mainly because it's the only one that doesn't make me wince occasionally whenever I re-read it...

2627832
Can I be a third person who helps you? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEEEEAAAASSE??
If that's ok, I mean :)