Sunset Shimmer had graduated from Canterlot Highschool and has now stuck herself with the unbearable thought of what she would do with her life after her story was finished. However, something managed to steer her on track: a proposal from a long time lover of hers.
The story follows brief scenes that unfold throughout the seasons in which the wedding would be planned, ranging from a proposal in the summer, finding her best man during the fall, meeting her in-law during the winter holiday, and lastly, getting married in the spring.
Inspired by the first contest in the Sunset Shipping Trilogy and, naturally, the third part in the Sunsetting Wallflower trilogy.
Chapters (1)
Ahh so much fluff!
I can see what you were trying to do with the different seasons. The plot was a little predictable, though.
This is adorable.
This romance progresses at breakneck speed, even accounting for the fact that it's a 3k-word series of four vignettes. The majority of those vignettes are expository infodumping about wedding plans, the characters' lives post-high school, and other minutiae, rather than showing an actual romantic bond between Sunset and Wallflower, or any substantial character moments.
To wit: in the same scene, literally in the span of a few paragraphs, Wallflower and Sunset go from awkwardly flirting and unfamiliar to one another, to popping the question and getting married.
To put it mildly, that's moving just a smidge too quickly.
What moments of character that we do get are a mixed bag. A lot of your cast behaves in a way that comes across as insensitive, and not in a charming way, which is at odds with how you're telling us that they're supposed to come across. The story describes Flash's doofish insensitivity as cute and endearing, but he comes across as a frat boy douchebag with lines like:
Which, I'll grant, Sunset points out is ignorant. But the way the characters talk about Derpy in the same conversation is just downright insulting.
Setting aside for now how bizarre it is that Sunset is asking her ex-boyfriend to be her best man, Sunset is completely dismissive of Derpy ("aloof and kooky?" You threw a temper tantrum over a stuffed animal once, Sunset!), and shocked that she can bag a "hunk" like Flash, who comes across as having almost no redeeming features. Especially after he says his relationship with "started as pity."
That's not sweet. It's incredibly patronizing and insensitive. In this one dialogue exchange, both characters come across as shallow jerks.
(Also, why does Sunset even need a male Best Man? She's already breaking all kinds of gender norms; why doesn't she just ask one of her female friends that she actually has a bond with? Or invite Princess Twilight? Or Starlight Glimmer? What does Starlight honestly have to do that's more important?)
The last thing I want to point out here is...
...that's probably not something that a same-sex couple wants to hear from one of their mothers. There are lots of implications with this line, and none of them are good. Chief among them is "I don't mind Wallflower being one of The Gays because I don't expect her to find a man."
Once again, the characters all come across as shallow and insensitive.
I appreciate the effort put into this, honestly, but there are issues with narrative development and character that run pretty deep. I think it would be better if you took an idea like this, and tried to develop it more rigorously, with a greater emphasis on showing character dynamics and relationships, rather than the very tell-y, expository approach you're going for right now.
Bless up for Ring Thief Crab though.
10371179
Thank you for the critique. Admittedly, I have a habit of writing things too quickly, and this fanfic's premise, now looking back at it, felt like there needed to be expansions.
Now that you pointed it out, the way I went about Flash/Derpy was problematic. The idea I wanted to convey with the relationship was "there's no way these two people would ever come together, but somehow it happened" and building upon how you have Derpy comforting Flash when he couldn't get to talk to Sci-Twi during both Friendship Games and Legend of Everfree. In fact, the "started as pity" comment is meant to reflect the latter, as in it was Derpy who was pitying Flash.
I sort of wanted a scene where Sunset talked with Flash and have that parting hug, though I had thought "... Why didn't she just pick Rainbow Dash from the start".
And lastly, yeah, I see the problems with that too... The idea I had seemed funny at the time like it was setting up for a "Guess Who's Coming For Dinner" scenario before it turns out that she was just cool with anyone marrying Wallflower.
I appreciate the critique and you do raise a lot of good points, most importantly, on how my pacing needs work. In reflection, I'll either expand on this story in a rewrite or take it into consideration for a future project set in this same universe.
Thank you again. And I'm glad you liked the Ring Thief Crab.