slep
Joined 30th Jul, 2020 ·
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If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
Bad.
i like and love it, post more stories soon please i love your writing style.
10361809
I imagine Gile speaking with a very light russian accent, for whatever reason. It seems fitting to me due to the usual gruff exterior and demeanor of griffons. Fizzy... I'm not sure. I honestly did not intend for her to roll along with Anon and Gile, but when I got to that point in the story, I was in a writing frenzy and I stuck with what I had jotted down. To give you an answer now, I think a light Bostonian accent fits her well. She lived in the rough city of Tamar for a long time, she saw her fair share of fights and that toughens a little pony up. She's inherently good, and never really loses that trait despite all her time spent in Echidna.
Though honestly, I'm interested in how you thought the characters sounded. That's one of my big lures in writing: The theatre of the mind for the reader. Did you have any strong opinions on what they might sound like?
Ambitious for your first ever story to be 50k, straight up
Try adding it to a plethora of groups to help spread visibility.
Edit: Is there a reason why you coloured their dialogue?
10362179
Honestly, I first started this story on a google doc. I had learned later on that Fimfic had nice text-coloring features and I thought it was a really neat idea that I wanted to try out. I figured at the time it might make following the dialogue itself easier in that regard as well, so that even if names aren't outright mentioned, you'll know which character is saying what. It was really more of an experiment on my part, messing around with the features at my disposal. If it's not well received or hampers the reading experience in anyway, I'll refrain from doing it in the future.
Thanks for the group advice btw. I figured others would be the ones adding stories that they thought fit into their own groups. I'll check up on the FAQ.
10362190
I took the liberty of adding it to a few groups but it's typically something the author usually does themselves. Whilst the feature is there for your disposal, I'm not sure how it'd be received generally. Who knows, maybe you'll set a new trend! But ordinarily, people do not colour the dialogue in.
Anyway, hope to see you prosper.
Dude made an account and posted a 50k word story on the same day. Ballsy.
This was amazing to read! I'm honestly impressed that you wrote so much and published it all at once; so I have a few questions;
What motivated you to write so much?
Did you already proof-read everything before publishing? I can't imagine the amount of backtracking and rewriting you'll have to do if something does happen.
Anyways, thanks for the story!
10362295
As I explained in my author's note at the end of the fic, I was really wanting to write something big, as in the past I'd only ever really written little oneshots on /mlp/ and such. Honestly, I had no idea what I was in for. But! It was an idea I was super interested in, and it ate at me everyday I didn't/couldn't write, which I'm sure you could imagine gets rough after the 7 month mark lol.
As for proof-reading... Eh. There were times I'd go back and reread certain chapters for the sake of ensuring continuity/sealing up plot holes, but really all I had to fix up were some spelling errors. The biggest issue I ran into was I had totally forgotten about the Elements of Harmony in their entirety up into chapter 19-20. I was toying with the idea of Zara pursuing the Twilight Bounty at first because she'd be wearing a big "HEY LOOK AT ME" crown, but decided against it. Just had to add some filler exposition in chapter 2 and 6 I believe. It still ended up being too much of a plothole for my liking, but at this point, I just wanted to get the story out into the public.
I'm glad you enjoyed also!
10362268
Should I have waited a few days at a time to post the next chapter? I figured I should just post it all at once and mark the fic as complete.
10362323
Oh no not at all! It’s just atypical, and starting it and going chapter by chapter theoretically gives you more chances for input, suggestions, and missed errors.
10362336
I see, I'll keep in mind for future fics. Thank you!
It's looking good so far. I like how each character's speech has their own color, it helps during monologues.
I’ll need to reread it but there’s just something off about this story to me
10362465
Please let me know your thoughts if you do reread.
This is a pretty fucking good story. I am really impressed. I noticed some color errors but other than that story is solid all around. I really would like to read your future works.
10363164
Thank you! Also, if it's not too much effort, could you point out the color errors for me? Maybe in a dm so as not to clog up the comment section, but either way. No worries if you don't want to.
Woah. Is it just me, or did the Zebras catch up really fast.
This was a great story! I liked the way you colored the text for what each character was saying. I I think it looked really good, and I only noticed a few times were some text had the wrong color. I can't wait for the bonus chapters.
This is a really great story, although I felt it was a bit rushed
10362323
Yes, or even multiple chapters everyday would have been better, this was a good story and more people would have seen it if you split things up a bit.
Since you posted it all in one go it made its way through the new stories section and disappeared, it also probably affected the rate it accrued likes since there was more of it to judge from the outset which kept it out of the popular box/feature box, meaning less people got to see it.
Which sucks because I think this is a story more people should have seen
10395994
Shouldn't be much of an issue honestly. I got another, smaller story in the works. I'll update that one in a more typical style. Glad you enjoyed all the same.
That was cute. Overall a fun read. A believable take on HiE (in such a vast world, why should anons always show up at the same time and place as the show?).
I think it would have been improved by more character development. A common mark of new writers is focusing on the plot, and pushing the characters into doing whatever furthers that plot. It muddies their own personality and motivations, and gives the feeling that they're just along for the ride. The better way is to make the characters' goals and motivations clear to the reader through their actions (the reader should be able to understand and empathise with what they want as soon as they're introduced). There should be some inertia too; changes in their goals require significant conflict to be believable.
For instance, I never quite knew what Gile was after. Did he feel a duty to Anon? If so, what other motivations did he have, that conflicted with that?
Why didn't Anon treat Twilight as just a job? What parts of his personality compelled him to play the hero? What changed to make him care about her more than bits?
Why didn't Twilight, with her false memories (?) resist the protagonists' stories for dragging her across the continent? What sort of person does she like, which led her to like-like Anon?
I look forward to your next tale.
10419484
I'm glad you enjoyed! As for your critiques, it seems you're correct in my character development lacking. Yes, my plan was for Gile to both feel brotherly duty to follow Anon with any plan he cooked up (and vice versa,) as well as the understanding that he'd be cut in for a slice of the rewards. They'd been at one another's sides since they were very young, and my goal on this front was to imply that this wasn't the first time such a plan had been thrown out there to pursue. Perhaps not on such a grand scale, but a plan all the same. Really, Gile is just an extension of Anon. They share the same background and the same goals, and they work together to achieve them for each other. Gile's only confliction is when he starts suspecting Anon is falling for Twilight, and only finds that a bad thing because he doesn't want to see his best friend hurt, should her past life reveal that she was already married or in love.
As for Anon viewing Twilight as a job, that'd also been a goal of mine. At least, up until something happened that made him see her as more than just moneybags.
Finally, Twilight didn't have false memories, she had what was basically just amnesia. All she could remember when she first woke up was her name, how to talk, and basic levitation magic. Really, she had no choice but to believe anything Anon said at the beginning, because she knew nothing else, and Anon dangled the promise of giving her a past back in front of her. Surely, whatever he had in store (in her mind) would beat being a homeless thief in the slums. As for her falling for Anon, I'll admit I'm biased for romance. Anon did lie to her, yes, but really only about the fact that he and Gile were "brave heroes," and that he even believed that she was the real Twilight Sparkle, since neither he nor Gile had ever been to Equestria by that point.
With this in mind, as well as Twilight forcing Anon and GIle to come clean when she did, Anon truly had only ever done in the best interest of Twilight. She could always depend on him (and Gile). They were her first two friends in this new, unknowing chapter of her life, and they'd always been kind to her. They shared their food, answered her questions when they could, and, ultimately, got her to Equestria. Twilight says she starts feeling strange new feelings after all of that bad air has cleared, and Anon's fulfilled his promise of keeping her safe and reaching Equestria. Fizzy tells her that she's probably got a crush, and to pursue it cause, well, why not? Basically, in Twilight's mind, Anon is a rock in her life. He's kind to her, he and Gile's antics make her laugh, and she knows that he will do just about anything to keep her safe come Hell or high water. It also doesn't help Twilight's case when she ultimately only knows two males throughout her time in both Echidna and Equestria. I feel Twilight catching feelings is believable enough for the story, but I will admit (and originally planned) that it didn't need to be there. Originally, she was just going to remain a good friend to Anon, Gile, and Fizzy, taking on a sort of little sister role in the party more thoroughly than she already did.
Anyways, thank you so much for this: I'll be working on my character development in the future. Perhaps I'll even come back to this story and rewrite it down the line. A lot of your questions seem to stem from my weak writing. I just gotta add a few more sentences, or tighten up the convictions of characters, better show where they stand on the events they're dealing with. I'm glad you enjoyed.
The story was enjoyable for me, but the characters felt flat and the pacing was kind of all over the place. Towards the beginning, things moved slowly, and then after the death of the Black Stripe gang, things started to move at a million miles an hour.
That being said, it’s certainly a lot better than my first story, and it’s clear to me that you have a gift for descriptive writing. You did a great job at describing landscapes and weather in such a way that just sucked me into the story.
All in all, despite being flawed, I did enjoy this. I eagerly wait for whatever you write next, as it’s obvious you have a lot of talent.
This story has earned a place on my favorites list. Good work loved the whole story.
Отличная история на вечер, спасибо )
Well they met her earlier than I thought, nonetheless still a fun read
Oh snap
Cute.
Fuckin' cute.
No, but soon you will be
100% true.
Oh...
TO be fair you said you didn't want a horribly mutated kids after a week.. so props to Anon
..........Fuck.
Poor twi...
That's awfully and accurately true.. uh
Payback time
Welp Zara got taken care of quickly
God bless her heart
Good chapter!
Nice touch, a bit sad tho for some reason....
This fuckin' hits...
LOL
Ouch...
IF only Anon and Gile live in Equestria and donate the bits for Echnida to become a better place.
What a ride, I loved every character honestly.. You did a good job.
I'm sorry for keeping this in my read later folder for several months
10589730
I just wanted to give a little personal thanks for giving me so much feedback on each chapter, even if it was just small call-outs to specific sentences and such. I would've responded much earlier, but I was away from the world for the past few months. It was seriously heartwarming to check up on the story and see all your comments. Means a lot, silly as that might sound. Regardless, it's great to hear you enjoyed! No worries on keeping the thing in your read later list, God knows I've done the same to a million fics in the past.
I'm settling into what is a drastically new schedule and lifestyle for me, but I'd love to get around to writing again soon: Be it those bonus chapters I mentioned for Twiastasia here, or something new entirely.
To avoid rambling too much, I'll cut myself off here and thank you again! There's a lot I would do differently/change with this story, coming back to it now with different eyes, but I suppose you can't help that aspect of the writing process. Plus, if you got some measure of satisfaction out of it, I'm happy with my product to a degree.
10653392
It was a pleasure and you're very much welcome. Thank YOU for writing it! would love to see updates and I'll gladly be waiting
Just a note; had I not actually read the full description I would have thought this a Warcraft crossover due to the cover image.
10765083
Haha, yeah. I intend to eventually have a proper cover made specifically for this story. In the meantime however, I wanted something that showcases Twilight's lack of control over the situation she found herself in, as well as her 'smallness' in comparison to the large, uncaring world around her at the time of her reappearance. I hadn't even realized the image itself was of a city in WoW until one of my friends pointed it out to me. Never delved too deep into Warcraft lore. In hindsight, perhaps it wasn't the best image to fulfill either of those previously mentioned guidelines of mine.