• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 13,664 Views, 788 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead



Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

  • ...
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Technology is Magic

As Anonymous F. Aggot awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in the flower garden of a rather irate talking horse. Unused to such things, he reacted rather poorly, and the two spent the next hour or so yelling, fighting, and generally creating an entertaining spectacle for the townsponies. When Anon realized that he had been transported to another world, and the mare realized that he never intended to crush her azaleas, they declared a sweaty, dirt-covered, concerningly bloody truce, and went to the mayor for advice on how to handle the situation.

The mayor, a kindly, if senile, old nag approaching her hundredth year, had, for understandable reasons, absolutely no experience in dealing with aliens. Because the town was small and isolated, and the alien in question met at least the barest standards of friendliness, she decided to saddle the mare with the responsibility of housing him, and sent the two on their not-so-merry way. It was a fairly lax response, all things considered, but he didn't really seem to pose any threat, and the town was looking for a new token nonpony anyways.

Neither were too keen to admit it, but the fight had created within the two a sort of begrudging respect, with there being no real resentment or hatred between them. The mare, a green and yellow pegasus by the name of Summer Showers, was a senior member of the town's weather patrol, and so managed to convince one of the larger local farms to hire him on as an accountant, organizer, and general paperwork monkey. It was hardly an exciting job, but it certainly earned Anon his keep, and his relative competence made him a valued member of the farm's staff.

It wasn't long before Anon and Summer were close friends, and, after a year or so of living together, they developed feelings for each other. The first few months of the relationship were rather awkward, what with the two competing over who wore the pants, but they soon settled into a sort of equal partnership, and were horse married by the second anniversary of his arrival. And though he got the occasional stare, and a couple of the rare out-of-towners reacted to him with a sort of stunned awe, Anon was quickly and enthusiastically accepted by the community. It was a quiet life, but an enjoyable one, the two more than content with rural domesticity.


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Anon was fiddling with something in the living room, bouncing about like an excited three-year-old and belting out laughter like a schizophrenic.

Summer approached him as one would a wounded animal, taking care to avoid any sudden movements. During their five years together, she had learned to remain cautious whenever he's in a mood like this.

"Nonny, are you alright?"

He turned around, catching sight of her with a gleeful glint in his eye.

"I'm great! You remember those computers I told you about?"

"Unfortunately."

"I just found out that ponies have them too! They're more of a city thing, but still!" He circled the table, stopping to point at a router that had been haphazardly plopped on the tower. "It's even got internet!"

"Oh sweet Celestia."

He softly caressed the monitor. "Surprised I never heard about these, would have gotten one much sooner if I did."

She winced. "Anon, I really dont think ... "

"Summer, relax." He held out a hand. "I'm not a retarded teenager, this will be used pretty sparingly." Turning down to look at it, Anon chuckled. "It's just nice to have something that reminds me of home."

His use of the 'home card' was devastating, and shut down any arguments that Summer had before she even thought of them.

"Besides, we can do stuff together. Make poking fun at weirdos a couple's hobby or something."

Though the idea certainly sounded appealing, Summer couldn't help but remain wary. Anon's descriptions of these machines made them out to be horrifying time sinks filled with nothing but pop culture garbage and pornography, and she wondered why anyone would willingly subject themselves to such, let alone pay to do so.

"It's just ... I really don't think that we need it, you know? There are much better things that you could be doing."

"You're probably right, but I stand by my purchase. Come on, let's see how it works."

She reluctantly sat down as he pressed the power button, fans whirring as the screen switched on. He opened the default browser, and was greeted by the homepage of some search engine. He would have installed a better browser, but he hadn't yet learned the ins and outs of the horsernet, and so figured that he could settle for a bit.

When, after a good deal of surfing, Anon found 4pone, he was struck with a great nostalgia. It had the same horrible color scheme, the same outdated layout, the same weird boards like /asp/ that only like 3 people visit, and in that moment, he knew he was home.

"What the ... "

"Hmm?"

"Look down there, it says human."

Her hoof pointed at the board list, and he followed with narrowed eyes.

"Wait, what?"

Sure enough, between LGBT and Current News, sat the word 'Human'. They stared at the word as if it were a dead body, and though neither said anything, their minds were screaming in both horror and confusion. He slowly pressed the link, if only to satisfy his morbid curiosity, and was met with a drawing of a middle aged man in frilly lingerie.

"Is ... I ... " He took a shuddering breath. " ... that's my dad."

" ... what?"

"That's my dad. The guy in the banana hammock."

Summer opened her mouth, then closed it, then opened it again before closing it again. It took a few seconds before she could muster the will to speak.

"How can you tell?"

"Hair, moustache, horrible military tatoo on his left nipple ... yeah, it's my dad."

"/dilf/ general - foal chasing thighs edition ... seriously, what the buck?"

"I mean, he's never worn a banana hammock before ... unless there was some weird Zardoz phase he never told us about ... why is he ... "

He leaned away from the screen, staring at the ceiling in deep contemplation.

"Summer?"

"Yeah?"

"Click 'catalog', it's at the top."

Summer looked at the mouse with a grimace—she didn't want to touch it for fear of catching some horrible internet-borne disease.

"Can you do it?"

Anon trained his thousand yard stare back to the monitor and gave an airy nod. "Ok, sure."

More pictures of his family, some of his friends, and quite a few of himself.

" ... "

She zeroed in on a thread near the top of the list. "My Little Human: Technology is Magic."

" ... "

He slowly typed it into the search bar.

My Little Human: Technology is Magic follows the life of young office worker Anonymous F. Aggot and his five best friends, who navigate a toxic, technologically advanced society through friendship and ingenuity. Originally created for young colts, it has proven very popular amongst adult mares, who refer to themselves as 'humares'. A feature length adaption, titled My Little Human: The Movie was released in 1003, and a spinoff series, My Little Human: Boogaloo Blues, is scheduled for release next year.

" ... to be entirely honest, I'm not sure how I should react to this. I mean, the fact that this shit exists is horrifying enough, but I'm honestly questioning whether or not I'm even real."

She looked up at him, tears welling in her eyes. "What are you going to do?"

He grabbed a pen and paper.

9/23/1004
/mlh/, what the fuck
- Anon, Best Human.

"Where's the camera app on this thing?"

Author's Note:

Todays episode was brought to you by Liszt

https://youtu.be/9A_m0Fpjeac