• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 13,261 Views, 707 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead



Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

  • ...
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When Summer opened the door, she was met with the sight of a manic unicorn pacing back and forth, a stone held aloft in her magic. A pegasus stood a meter or so behind, her tired frown morphing into a concerned wince when she caught the homeowner's eyes.

"So I'll throw this rock through a window as a distraction, while you kick the door open. Make sure that ... "

"Uh, Twi?"

" ... you find Anon as quickly as possible. We don't how many ponies are keeping him here, or what threat they pose, so be on the lookout. He'll probably be ... "

"Twi."

" ... pretty terrified, maybe even traumatized, so we need to be patient and calm. Remember what I told you, humans are ... "

"TWI!"

The unicorn turned to her friend, brow furrowed and ears tilted back. "Rainbow Dash, please don't interrupt. If we want to ensure Anon's safety, we have to ... "

The pegasus was frantically pointing towards the doorway, and the unicorn spared a momentary glance, if only to shut her up. As she turned back towards her friend, the unicorn's eyes widened in horror, and she looked back again at a very peeved, very tired Summer Showers.

"Oh ... "

She flung the rock away away from the house and desperately straightened her mane, a friendly grin plastered on for good measure.

"Hello miss, how are you tonight?"

Summer maintained her deadpan. "Can I help you?"

"Well, um ... " She pawed at the ground, nervous eyes shifting between Summer and her friend. " ... uh ... " She gulped. "We're from the ... Celestial Church, and want to talk about ... "

The pegasus stepped in, unwilling to watch the unicorn make more of an ass of herself. "The human lives here, right?"

"Rainbow!"

"Yes, he does." She raised an eyebrow. "What's it to you?"

As the pegasus inhaled, words half formed, the unicorn ran up to Summer and grabbed her by the shoulders, their muzzles pressed tightly together.

"Where. Is. Anon?"

"Please stop touching me."

She let her go, backing up a step or two.

"Where is he?"

Summer looked over at the pegasus.

"Is she alright? Mentally, I mean?"

"Twi hasn't been diagnosed with anything, if that's what your wondering." She scratched her head. "She's not usually this insane."

"Right." Summer shifted her attention back to the unicorn. "Do you promise to remain calm?"

"Yes."

Summer knew, in her heart, that the unicorn wouldn't live up to this promise, but didn't have the energy to call her out on it. And so, with a sigh, she moved aside and beckoned them with a hoof.

"Alright, come in."

The unicorn belted through the doorway, dissapearing around a corner to the sound of ecstatic giggles.

The pegasus slowly exhaled. "I'm really sorry about all of this, she's a big fan of the show, and, well ... "

Summer raised a hoof. "I get, I get it. Just try to keep her in line, alright?"

"That's why I'm here."

Making their way to the living room, they were met with the sight of Anon in an armchair, arms crossed and face torn between an amused grin and disgusted grimace. The unicorn was bouncing around him, her eyes closed and smile wide.

"You're real! You're real! You're real!"

"One would hope so, yes."

She gasped, a notebook and quill materializing before her and floating in a lavender aura.

"I have so many questions! How did you get here? When did you get here? In Episode 15, why did Jim ... "

The pegasus coughed.

"Oh. Oh! My name is Twilight Sparkle, and it is an honor to meet you."

She did a little curtsey, and pointed towards her friend.

"This is Rainbow Dash."

Dash coughed, and Twilight sighed.

"The fastest flyer in Equestria."

He couldn't help but chuckle.

"A pleasure. I'm Anonymous, but I suppose you already know that."

Twilight nodded.

"And this is my wife, Summer Showers."

Summer jumped up onto his lap and gave him a kiss. It was an oddly theatrical gesture, but they both knew that the unicorn had some sort of infatuation with Anon, and so made an effort to tell her that he was already taken. Twilight, seeing this, visibly wilted, and Dash felt an odd combination of sympathy and relief. She felt bad for her friend, sure, but figured that Twilight would understand this state of affairs, and move on from her frankly unhealthy obsession.

"That's ... nice. I'm happy for you." Twilight gave a small smile as she hopped up onto a couch opposite the armchair. Rainbow settled next to her, and the four sat there for a bit in silence, the only sounds their breathing and the ticking of a clock.

When the kettle whined, Anon stood up and went to the kitchen, coming back soon after with the tea.

"So, what can we do for you?"

Twilight snapped from her daze.

"Pardon?"

"What can we do for you? I figure you came here for a reason."

"Well ... " She scratched the back of her neck. "I just wanted to meet you, I guess. You're my favorite character in the show, and, uh ... yeah."

"Fair enough." He rubbed his eyes. "It's a bit late to be doing much of anything, so why don't we figure something out tomorrow?"

She gave a vacant nod. " ... okay."

They headed back through the front door, and Anon made sure to lock it.

After waiting for a minute or so, Summer prodded his leg. "Are you sure that's a good idea? She seems a little ... out there."

Anon grabbed one of her ears and rubbed it between her fingers. "It'll placate her. She managed to find us in less than week, lord knows what she'd do if we pissed her off."

She sighed. "Just be careful, alright?"

"Don't worry, I can handle it."

On the other side of the door, Twilight was fuming, heavy hoofsteps creating holes in the dirt road that led to the inn.

"I can't believe it."

Dash turned to her. "What?"

"She stole him from me."

She blocked her with a wing. "Twi, please, don't do anything stupid."

Twilight scoffed. "It'll be nothing stupid, Rainbow. I just need to show him that I'm better than her. What's a weathermare to the personal student of Celestia herself?"

Dash raised an eyebrow.

Twilight blushed. "Heh ... no offense."