• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 24,041 Views, 1,108 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead



Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

  • ...
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Abductions

Consciousness beat Anon over the head, and dragged him into a cave to devour his bones.

His existence was, in that moment, wholly consumed by a terrible pain, swirling and thrumming and digging down into his skull, squeezing his brain like a lemon. Every breath was another lashing, every tiny movement a spurt of flame. He couldn't focus, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but lie on his back and silently scream into the churning void.

The world returned to him in piecemeal fragments—the mildew strangling his nostrils, the blood painting his tongue, the sweat clinging to his skin. What once felt like a gaping wound became something comparable to a sprained ankle, or perhaps a ripe bruise, and his addled mind grew just lucid enough to parse his surroundings.

Blinking through shadows and starbursts, his filmy eyes caught the root of a tree, spiraling down from a cavernous ceiling of rough-shorn wood and moist earth. Flickering candles bathed the room in a rich orange glow, and racks of magitech computers, fans whirring and circuts glowing, stood watch along the walls. Anon idly wondered whether he'd been abducted by molemen—a theory that didn't seem too outlandish, given that he was married to a talking horse—though it wasn't long before his last encounter with Twilight flooded back to him.

'Wonderful, a kidnapping. Honestly surprised this didn't happen sooner.'

Suffice to say, Anon was far from willing to take part in whatever horseplay the unicorn had planned.

He tried to get up and run, but found that he'd been tied to some sad parody of a marriage bed, rose petals and all. Desperately straining to pull his arms apart, he grit his teeth as the rope held firm, and slumped back on the mattress as he worked to catch his breath.

'It's just a rope, there's no need to panic. Everything's gonna be fine.'

The door behind him slammed open, and something plodded into the room. Turning his head, Anon spied a fat, squat purple lizard, muttering swears as it dragged along a camera and tripod.

"Oh, you're awake."

The lizard set up the tripod next to the bed, locking the camera in place on top of it.

"Sorry if your head hurts, but it's pretty hard to carry something four times your size without knocking it around a bit."

A claw pressed a button on the side of the camera, and a little red light flickered into being right above the lense.

"She didn't even help, you know, just ran into her bucking room and started jilling it. Big surprise, I had to do everything myself."

The lizard snorted and crossed its arms, bizarre ear-fins twitching in irritation.

"It's every day with her, I swear. 'Spike, clean the gutters. Spike, reorganize the library. Spike, strap on this cooler and help me with my heat.' I'm a dragon, I shouldn't have to put up with this crap."

Hoofsteps, and the unmistakable odor of arousal, heralded Twilight's arrival.

"Is everything ready, Spike?"

Spike's glower deepened, and he raised his middle claws before stomping back up the stairs.

"Go buck yourself, Twi."

Twilight watched her brother/son/slave leave with a raised brow.

"I wonder what his problem is."

Shrugging her shoulders, Twilight gave a beaming smile and giddily trotted towards Anon. Her mane and fur were matted and damp, only just washed after weeks of neglect, and her unblinking eyes held a manic vacancy.

"How do you feel, Anon? I hope the trip here wasn't too rough."

He shot her a deadpan glare.

"I'd love to answer, but if you haven't noticed, I'm a bit tied up."

Twilight giggled.

"Oh, that's clever, because the ropes, and ... " She looked away and flicked her tail. "It's just a precaution. I don't want you running away before ... heh, well, you'll see."

Anon flinched as she ran a hoof along his jaw.

"You were always my favorite, I hope you know that. The others all have a certain appeal, I won't deny that, but you're special, you're ... better." Twilight took a shuddering breath. "And now you're here, my perfect husbando. Don't worry, I'll treat you right."

She turned away and flagged her tail, and Anon buried a grimace.

In the time that passed since his situation first registered, observations and speculations flittered about his mind, and crystallized as something of an escape plan. Though this plan was half-baked and half-assed, and filled with more holes than a New Jersey highway, his captor was just horny enough to give it an infinitesimal—but not nonexistent—chance of success.

"Hey Twiley?"

Her ears perked, and she stared him in the eye with a blush.

"Y-yes, um ... Nonny?"

"Now, I understand why you'd feel the ropes are nessecary, but I can't imagine we'd have much ... fun if I'm stuck lying here like a dead fish. Why don't you untie me?"

Frowning, the mare stepped forward and shook her head.

"What, and let you leave? I've waited too long for this, no way."

He gave her a sultry grin, or at least as good a one that could possibly be cobbled from disgust and desperation.

"Don't think I haven't seen you eyeing my hands. Look, if you get rid of the ropes, I'll show you what they can really do."

Twilight took a step back, nervously chewing her lip.

"But, if ... I don't ... "

Now to drive it all home.

"I dunno about you, but Summer can't get enough of them. Scritches, rubs, pets ... sometimes I even, you know, show her a little love down there. Doesn't that sound nice?"

She timidly studied the room, her gaze narrowly avoiding the human lying right in front of her. Taking a deep breath, she forced herself to look at him, and nearly folded in on herself when he playfully wiggled his eyebrows.

"P-promise?"

He nodded.

"Promise."

With a flash of her horn, his bonds disappeared—the exact mechanics of this eluded Anon, given that it was just a regular rope, so he simply chalked it up to the usual magic nonsense. He sat up and draped his legs over the side of the mattress, while Twilight, stiff as a soldier, nervously wringed her hooves. Stretching his arms and rolling his shoulders, Anon spied a stray bit of computer equipment jutting out from underneath the bed, and silently decided on a singular course of action.

He reached out and grabbed one of Twilight's ears, and began to slowly knead it between his fingers. Melting into his touch, Twilight let out a low, guttural moan, and slapped her sopping tail against his legs.

"Heh, you're certainly enjoying this."

Tongue hanging out, she struggled to remain standing.

"Mmm ... 'non ... "

It was then, just as Twilight reached nirvana, that an old monitor smashed against the back of her head.

She collapsed onto the floor in a pile of limp flesh and broken electronics, and Anon jumped from the bed and ran towards the door.

If he took the time to look back, he'd have noticed her betrayed expression, and the blinding white light shining in her eyes.

Author's Note:

Unrelated, but this is a fascinating recording of Beethoven's 9th, done by Furtwangler with the BPO in 1942. It's a very aggressive recording -- not a lot of 9ths have that many drums in them -- which makes sense given the period it came from. Both in terms of sound quality and actual conducting, there are certainly better ones, but I think this particular performance is absolutely remarkable, at least from a historical perspective.