• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 13,223 Views, 707 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead

Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

  • ...


"Are you all ready to order?"

Rainbow glanced up from her menu and turned to the waitress, whose polite smile didn't quite reach her eyes.

"Yeah, I'd say so." She motioned towards Anon. "Gentlecolts first."

If Anon even heard her, he gave no indication. He was staring at his side plate, hand resting on his chin, and idly drumming his fork against the table. His face was blank, his eyes unfocused—the lights were on, but no one was home.

They all stewed in silence for a moment, waiting for the man to fall back to Earth, until Summer tapped him on the shoulder.


"We're ordering."

He lit up in realization.

"Oh, shit, sorry about that."

With a shake of the head to clear his thoughts, Anon held his menu out to the waitress, pointing a finger at one of the entrées.

"The fettuccine, that's wheat pasta, right, not hay or anything?"

"I think so, yes."

"And there’s no flowers or, uh ... I dunno, grass in it?"

The waitress hummed and stared at the ceiling, then jotted something down on her notepad.

"I'll check with the chef, but I believe it's just a pretty standard Alfredo."

He handed her the menu.

"Great, I'll have that, then."

Summer's gaze lingered on Anon, her brow furrowed in the first stages of worry. It didn't take a genius to tell that something was on his mind.

"Just a daffodil club, please."

"Right. And you?"

"Cobb salad. Extra eggs, if possible."

The waitresses made her way towards the kitchen, and Anon met Summer with a raised eyebrow.

"How can you stand eating this rabbit food?"

Summer gaped and sputtered, while Rainbow leaned in with a grin—she had talks like this with Gilda in the past, and they were always entertaining, at least from a distance.

"Rabbit food?"

"All your meals are just, like, lettuce and shit, there's nothing ... substantial, you know?"

"What in Tartarus are you talking about?"

Anon's chair gave a terrible screech as he turned it to face hers.

"Right, so, human meals, there's the meat, there's the bread, there's the veg. It's balanced, it's filling, etcetera etcetera. Pony meals are just like ... a pile of lawn trimmings with a bay leaf on top. What do you even get from that?"

Summer batted him with a wing.

"Enough. Remember, we're an entirely different species. Like, in terms of taxonpony, there's this giant gap between us, so of course we eat different things."

"Fair enough, but I still think that - taxonpony?"

Summer waved a hoof.

"Yeah, you know, kingdom, phylum ... "

Anon butted in.

"No, no, I get that, but us civilized beings say taxonomy. At least that has actual etymology, Greek roots and all that crap. Taxonpony doesn't even make sense, you just glued the word 'pony' to the end of an existing word. For Christ's sake, one of you called it a Cobb salad, not 'Colt' or something, so why even bother with ... " His spiel died in his throat, and he leaned back in his chair. "Fucking, whatever."

Rainbow and Summer shared a look.

"Look, Anon, I know it's been a while since we've seen each other, but I can tell that you're, um ... not feeling so great." Rainbow had half a mind to rest a comforting hoof over his hand, but held back for fear of pushing him away. "What's bothering you?

He tried to tell himself that a restaurant was no place for a talk like this, but he knew that he'd keep making excuses the longer he put it off, and his concerns would roil about his mind, unfettered and unresolved, until something snapped. Better to remove the bandage now, he thought, then to let it all fester.

"That deal with Haspone was all over the news. It's public knowledge, and people know who I am, where I live, what I like, and ... well, at this point, we can't just close our eyes and pretend everything's fine. Sure, it's not like I'm the second coming or anything, but it all worked so well because we were nobodies, and now that I'm somebody, that's all gonna change, and ... and not for the better. It won't just be humares, there’s gonna be an entire fucking parade of journalists and scientists and all the other parasites, and pardon the dramatics, but it'll only end when we're dead."

Having said his piece, Anon folded his hands in his lap with a sigh.

Summer loved Gottherd's Branch, she really did. She grew up there, after all, always called it home, and it was the sort of place where everyone knew everyone, where one's greatest concern was what they'd have for dinner that night. Her life there was comfortable, content, but there was always that niggling little feeling at the back of her mind that she could be doing so much more. Perhaps it came from her father, who moved there from Cloudsdale, or maybe her foalhood love of adventure stories, but that peculiar wanderlust so emblematic of the pegasus race—that same voice that drove her to marry a giant ape—told Summer to pack her things and go somewhere new.

If her whole life was irrevocably changed, if this human thing had thrust her into the limelight, then why not go all the way?

"We could always move."

Anon gave no response, and Summer took this as a sign to continue.

"We can't hide, you said that yourself, but if we march out and face it head-on, we'll at least be able to control it. It's not like money's an issue, and if anything serious comes up, I'm sure that Celestia would be more than willing to step in. I say we sell the house, turn in our resignations, and settle down somewhere that's a bit more, well, connected. Not some big city like Manehatten, that's the last thing I want, but somewhere where we have enough exposure that ponies will get bored of us, and eventually turn their focus to the next shiny object that comes along."

He mulled over these words before standing up and folding his napkin onto the table.

"Excuse me, I'm just gonna head to the restroom for a sec."

As he left, Rainbow turned to Summer, who was staring at his empty seat.

"Is there anything I can do to help, or ... ?"

"You're Loyalty, right?"

"That's my Element, yeah."

"Anon's ... well, I wouldn't say loyal, not necessarily, but he holds a certain attachment to what he considers his 'home'. You have to remember, he's a literal alien, and when he came here, he lost his family, his friends, everything, so there’s this big part of him that's absolutely terrified of losing it all again. He's happy in Gottherd's Branch, make no mistake, but I think he loves belonging somewhere more than he loves the town itself."

Summer chuckled.

"He's a city colt, and though he'll never admit it, living out in the sticks bores him. That's why I wanted to go on this trip, you know?"

Rainbow tilted her head.

"What, to Ponyville?"

"More like the whole country, but sure. Ponyville ... honestly, this place is perfect. It's a few hours from two major cities, it's just the right size, it has that nice rustic Earth pony thing going on, and we already know some ponies here. This is where I want to live."


The silence between them was almost pleasant.



"Maybe this is a bit too forward, but we're looking to start a herd, and, well ... "

Her eyes widened.

"Woah, woah, woah, Summer, not that I ... uh, wow, I ... look, that totally came out of nowhere."

"Probably, yeah, but what did you tell me? 'Gotta sell yourself'? Your my friend, Rainbow, certainly one of my better ones, and I can see something between us working out pretty well."

"I ... would Anon be on board?"

"He's willing to try, and I think that's enough. Have you ever, like, been in a relationship, or ... ?"

Rainbow looked down at her plate.

"On and off, nothing serious."

"Then you know it's better to just go for it. Are you interested in Anon?"

"I mean, he's a good friend, and ... " She sighed. "I've liked what I've seen, I guess."

Summer jokingly raised an eyebrow.

"He is a looker, isn't he?"

Rainbow huffed.

"Not like that. I've seen you two together, and you're ... happy, that's what I'd call it, happy."

"Then go for it."

"And what if I mess it up, or end up ruining what you have with him?"

Summer rested a hoof on her back.

"You won't, you're a good pony, and I trust you. We can give it a try, and if it doesn't work, we can just go back to being friends."

"Why do you even want this? Monogamy seems to be working just fine with you."

"Anon and I are happy, but we can be so much happier. I grew up in a herd of four. We all loved each other, and while we fought, at the end of the day, we were a family. I want that, I want to come home to a bunch of foals and have them all run around and call us all 'mom', and then pile up on a giant bed together when it's time to go to sleep. I want to drown in love, and I can tell you want that too."

They looked into each other's eyes, and Rainbow nodded with a shaky smile.

"Buck it, why not?"

Comments ( 57 )

awww, cute

I’ve said it before I’ll say it again, your dialogue feels incredibly natural. Fantastic work, look forward to the next!

Nice chapter.

This is going well :)

Cute, heartwarming and oh I really hope they manage to not let Twiggles crash and burn :fluttershyouch:

Thule #6 · April 30th · · ·

"Yeah, you know, kingdom, phylum ... "

Kingdom Animalia, Phylum Chordata
The Class is Mammalia, cause boobies, we got 'em

Order is Primate, Family Hominidae
The genus is Homo, but you know you're into me

Cause I am in the species known as Sapien
Dogs used to eat me, but now they bring the paper in.

I want that, I want to come home to a bunch of foals and have them all run around and call us all 'mom', and then pile up on a giant bed together when it's time to go to sleep


I hope we don't get too far into the weeds on if a mlp pony can have kids with a human, because contrary to popular belief mlp has never given a flip about genetics.

Twilight incoming. Faust help their sanity

God, can you imagine just how messy pony genetics are?

That was bad and you should feel bad.
Have a like.

There's got to be something weird going on to produce the genetic abomination that is the pony eyeball. Using "ball" pretty loosely, of course.

Hm... If Summer is open to other mares... Lyra & Twily will have to retard there obsession with humans and there benefits. Than i see Anon perfectly save. A princess in his herd would keep any half same pony in check, wile the insane get literally deal with by the one
Twilight 'Element of Magic' Sparkle!

Ponyville should have make it easyer for Celestia to visit him ones a week for tea and a cake or three.

So Ponyville let em stay connected to Citys, Trainstation & some very big ponys in the literally and metaphoric sence.

I wonder if Spike get to clean Twilights room... If yes than i feel very sorry for that little carpet muncher.

There dont need to be a villain for the live of a literally alien being in Equestria is a everyday adventure.
Yep Twiggels perfect chance if she can act like a friend during day so she can get nailed during night. Luna might have some entertaining worth her time :trollestia:
Damn... Your classic suited avatar sure is great but your real class is in your words :ajsmug:
Beside i think a Alicorn can make shit stick. Alternativ i can imagen hiring Ol Big Mac for stud service it going to do it just the same.
At this point Pinkie Pie might end as the sane one :pinkiehappy:
Pegasus, Unicorn, Thestral, Earth pony & if you count Alicorns... Very VERY complicated :applejackconfused:
Wonder if human could get a multi culture herd...
Ponys, Griffon, D-Dog etc. Alternativ just add a Changeling to keep the variations good. Nothing better than a black classic cuddlebug to snuggel and keep the herd happy. Literally the best for a multi species herd is a Emotivore to keep pointers for everyone :pinkiesmile:

So, Rainbow is invited to herd with Anon.

I'm sure that will go over extremely well with Twilight. :trollestia:


Keep in mind the pony "races" would be technically different species and wouldn't be able to breed successfully. That's not even going in to how Gryphons, hippogriffs and kirin even work.


Alternativ i can imagen hiring Ol Big Mac for stud service it going to do it just the same.

:rainbowhuh: I don't think Anon being cucked would help anything

Dear lord twilights gonna throw a fit! :twilightoops:

So how’s it going to work are they going to temporary turn him into a stallion ,change his DNA to make him part pony Make him like a satyr human top half pony bottom half

For the Foal service to get foals for the herd not there fetishes :rainbowlaugh:

So, Centaurs? I know a good number of your bog standard Anon x Pony fics go that route when they last long enough.

TinMan #20 · April 30th · · 1 ·

Like I said Anons mares being impregnated by another guy so he can help raise that other guy and his mares kids or otherwise known as being cucked won't help anything.

Better than being without foal. So at least there mares a foal with there individual bloodline continue the legacy of Anon.

That's not how that works at all, also there is always adopting but either way I would rather not see this story go in that direction.

Everyone there own ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Nice idea. If he get more than ponys in his herd there a lot of mixing possible for example:
Pony x Anon = Centauer
Griffon x Anon = Harpy
Dragon x Anon = Discord :trollestia:

>Dragon x Anon = Discord
Like, literally. Not another Discord, not even another draconequus, just “Dragon × Anon = your baby is Discord, hilarity ensues deal with it.” Bonus points for Discord being as confused as fuck.


Everyone there own ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


Dragon x Anon = Discord :trollestia:

That makes more sense then it probably should. :pinkiecrazy:

Can't wait to see how long it will take Twilight to make Summer have second thoughts about settling in Ponyville. :twilightoops:

Vaya, eso no me lo esperaba.

If Summer offered me the exact same, I would be like: Ma'am, I have to respectfully decline the offer and GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE! *Jumps out the window*

Imagine the fallout when she finds out rainbow got to be with her husbando first.

Projected outcome :: No survivors

So they actually are looking to start a herd? I thought Pinkie was just way off base with that. And anon is willing to give it a shot? It just seems like a weird conversation to have been resolved off screen.

Also, how do you decide to move to Ponyville and not remember that's where that crazy Humare alicorn princess lives in her giant crystal castle? Being 1 of 4 princesses, that's gotta be fairly common knowledge, if not the primary thing most ponies know about the town, right? Was their encounter with her not all that memorable or did they just somehow not connect the dots that she was THAT Twilight Sparkle. Not that Summer should automatically consider that a deal breaker, but it didn't seem to even come up in the mental calculus at all. It's not like moving to a big city that a particular person happens to also live in. She's got a giant castle, and if not some kind of actual royal jurisdiction over the area, is at least an extremely influential person there.

They discuss herding in Contemplations, and Anon says that he'll "think about it." Besides, I like to think that Summer comes across as somewhat forceful throughout this fic, and is more than willing to bend the truth for what she thinks would be the greater good.

Twilight is still a unicorn.

Ah, must have forgotten that.

And I thought maybe she was a unicorn, but the title pic kept messing with me.

I can see no issues with this in the slightest, yep, no purple issues whatsoever!

Holy shit Summer, bad idea. Really bad idea. Aren't you supposed to be his best friend, wife, and one person he can depend on more than anyone else in Equestria? I mean, with this it feels like there isn't any reason for her to have been supportive of him earlier in the story if she's going to do this. Why not have just had Twilight force her way into making a herd with her and Anon if she's going to do this. She pushes him into saying yes to something she kbiws he's unwilling to do jusylt because she wants it, and them is planning to move them to Ponyville next to the freak Twilight, snd is adding someone to the "herd" without him?

Like, fuck. She used to be my favorite character in this story, now she's just above Twilight.

Twiggles is gonna shank a bitch.

When this story came through the Featured page, I didn't think it was gonna be any good. I'm at the latest chapter now. Though they've been short, I like this story. Can't wait for more yo

Hiding behind a bush then jumping out shouting "WHAT THE FUCK!"

Tisk, veo una amistad rota. Supongo que por éso sólo a Pinkie le dieron un interés romántico.

Twilight llamando traidora a Rainbow en una escena tipo Star Wars 7 ...

lambda #43 · 2 weeks ago · · 2 ·

Dang. I liked the first few chapters but now i really don't like where this story is going. Summer of all ponies looking to start a herd is very uncharacteristic of her. For the first few chapters at least she seems very conservative.

I dunno, my thought process for this whole thing was that Anon has a high surface-level bullshit tolerance, but at the end of the day just wants a comfy horse life with his horse wife, while Summer hates everything about the situation, but wants to do a little bit more with herself than sit around in the asscrack of nowhere - I suppose it's my fault for not really establishing that early on.

Just got a notification that this story updated, but there's no new chapter. Some Dickhead, did you accidentally post a new chapter live by mistake?

I personally blame bad web design - on mobile, edit and publish are right next to each other.

Yeah, I get what you mean *Vietnam Flashbacks*

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