• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 13,261 Views, 707 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead



Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

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Disruptions

Anon and Summer charted a course to the Castle, its towering spires casting shadows in the golden light of an afternoon sun. Rainbow, eager to spend some more time with the two, followed along, stepping in line at the human's left side. There was quite a lot of lingering excitement from the derby, and the small group moved about with a satisfied air, the sort of attitude that leaves one with gleaming eyes and a noticeable bounce in their step.

"Jesus, I didn't know the Wonderbolts were that good. I mean, I should have expected it, what with magic and all, but that was fucking amazing." Anon ran his fingers through his hair and looked down at Summer, who wore a triumphant, if smug, grin. "Remind me to take your word on shit like this in future."

She tittered, slapping her tail against his thigh. "I'll hold you to that."

Rainbow furthered with a nod. "The Wonderbolts are awesome, simple as."

Anon leaned down to pet her mane. "Heh, can't say I disagree."

Though she'd like to deny it, Rainbow rather enjoyed the contact, and couldn't help but feel a little disappointed when it ended. "So, what do you need to see Princess Celestia for?"

His smile waned, if only a tad, and his eyes took on a determined gleam. "Considering the situation, we'd like to make sure that I'm safe."

She raised an eyebrow, her own fame, though certainly annoying at times, never itself a source of danger. "You seem pretty safe to me. What're you scared of?"

"Haspone could sue us and seize me as 'copyrighted material', some academics could take me in for study and experimentation, two randos could just show up at our house ... " He counted the items on his fingers, shooting Rainbow a devilish smirk when he came to the last one.

"Hey!"

Anon couldn't help but laugh. "Simmer down Phar Lap, that was a joke. Basically, there are a lot of ways we can be shafted, and it'll be nice to have royalty in our corner." He shrugged. "If nothing else, I get to see some primo horse architecture."

"Fair enough." She scratched her chin with a wing before looking up at him. "I can pull rank if you want, claim that it's Elements business and get you in quicker."

Anon shook his head. "Dash, you already gave us those tickets, there's no need for anything else."

Rainbow's eyes sunk to the ground, her ears wilting. "I know, but ... "

He rested a hand on her shoulder. "Look, we're friends, and I don't want to take advantage of you. In any case, court's probably empty today, what with it being the weekend and the Derby and all, so I doubt we'll even need to wait that long."

She sighed. "Trust me, I get it, just ... if you guys ever need anything, don't hesitate to call, alright? I don't wanna see you get hurt by a problem I could've solved."

"Will do. Believe it or not, I'm not to keen on getting hurt either."


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"Your Highness?"

A quill stopped scratching, and Celestia glanced at the guard, reading glasses balanced on the tip of her muzzle.

"Yes, Sergeant?"

He was a surly old goat of an guardstallion, his face etched in a perpetual scowl. Kneeling before the throne, his eyes met those of the Princess, and his armor, polished to a mirror shine, produced a glare that nearly blinded her assistant, Raven Inkwell.

"A group of petitioners seeks an audience with you, your Highness. Should I permit them entry to the throne room?"

Celestia looked down at the tax bill she was revising, and answered the sergeant with a firm nod. At the very least, she thought, the petitioners would serve as a pleasant distraction from paperwork, so she slid the reading glasses into a slot on her peytral and handed (hooved?) the unfinished bill to her assistant, who placed it inside a manila folder.

Straitening up a bit, and making sure that her feathers were neat, Celestia took on the mask of her station. Her expression, though stern, had a measure of softness to it, and her eyes gleamed with a subtle kindness. It was the same look a priest would give to his parishioners, a beloved manager his employees, and held just the right mixture of authority and affection. It well suited her carefully curated public image of a matronly protector, a light in the darkness for her little ponies to rally around.

She visibly recoiled when in walked the Bearer of Loyalty, a rather nondescript pegasus mare, and a startlingly tall ape creature.

Not quite sure how to react to this sort of thing, Celestia sat there in equal parts shock and confusion, eyes narrowed in an attempt to parse what exactly she was seeing.

Rainbow cleared her throat. "Um, Princess, are ... uh, you alright?"

Celestia's train of thought derailed, and then exploded. Shaking her head, repairing her mask, and projecting control for the sake of appearances, she forced herself to look at the guard. "You may leave, Sergeant."

"Your highness?"

"I'm afraid that this meeting will be ... information sensitive." She turned to her assistant. "The same applies to you, Miss Inkwell, I would like to speak with them alone."

The sergeant saluted and marched through the double doors at the front end of the room, shutting them with a heavy bang. Raven, for her part, spared the petitioners a worried glance as she slipped through a side entrance.

Celestia rose from the throne with a practiced gravitas, the light clang of her measured hoofsteps echoing beneath the hall's marble arches. There was a certain aura about her, heavy and hot, that only intensified as she neared the group, and Anon couldn't help but tug at his collar. Whether real, or simply psychological, her presence was that of a Goddess incarnate, and for all her failings and quirks, it was impossible to deny the wisdom that sat in her eyes, the power that flowed through her body.

She stopped at a distance of ten paces, and studied Anon with an appraising glare, occasionally shifting to the mares on either side of him.

After a minute or so, Celestia took a deep breath, and her vestments vanished in a golden flash, in their place various pieces of My Little Human merchandise.

"I apologize for the stunned reaction, my little ponies, but I've never before seen a cosplay this good before." Her eyes traveled up and down as she studied his form, her ears perked forward in curiosity. "Is it an illusion, or perhaps a transformation of some sort?"

Anon, for a brief moment, entertained the idea that he was dead, and Equestria is actually Hell.