• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 13,664 Views, 788 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead



Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

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Preparations

Despite her assertions to the contrary, Rainbow Dash made a concerted effort to fly through the windows of the Golden Oaks Library whenever she came to visit. It was more 'awesome', she believed, than going through the door, and did a remarkable job at grabbing Twilight Sparkle's attention.

And so, when the glass shattered and the hinges broke and the wood splintered, Dash was rather surprised to hear no reaction from her purple friend. While there would normally be a "dammit Dash," or a "you're paying for that," or even just straight up screaming, today there was nothing but muffled shuffling leaking down from the upstairs bedroom. This, Dash thought, was rather odd, so she slinked up the stairs to investigate, taking care to muffle her hoofsteps.

Cracking the door open, she was relieved to discover that her friend was not, in fact, being robbed. Rather, Twilight was stuffing a suitcase with the neutoric intensity Dash had come to expect from her, a concerningly long checklist floating alongside all manner of seemingly disconnected odds and ends. Staying silent, she crept up to the bed and eyed one of the shirts that had been laid out on it.

Dash snickered. "Didn't know you were a humare, Twi."

Twilight shrieked and jumped away from her, the ruler she had been levitating embedding itself in the ceiling with an audible crunch.

"I, um ... look, it's not ... well ... you see ... "

Dash raised an eyebrow.

"I mean ... " She began to sweat. " ... I ... it's a good show, alright?" Twilight looked her up and down, brow furrowed and expression steeled in a desperate attempt to deflect the accusation. "How do you know what humares are anyways? Aren't you 'too cool' for that kind of stuff?"

Dash scoffed. "When you're as big a Daring Do fan as me, you end up seeing some serious shit. There's weird amount of overlap, too much if you ask me." She shrugged. "Never got the appeal myself, but different strokes, I guess."

"Right." She narrowed her eyes. "You're being a lot more mature about this than I would have expected."

"Trust me, I know all about being a fanfilly." She stepped forward and rested a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. "I mean, I can't say I'm too surprised, what with you being a shut-in nerd and all."

"Hey!"

"But, to be totally honest, I always thought that Shy would be the humare in our friend group."

Twilight tilted her head. "Fluttershy? I've never seen her read anything but veterinary guides and picture books, how could you think that ... " She clenched her jaw. "Wait, why am I even arguing this? I should be mortified!"

"You'd be surprised, she's totally into those Neighsian cartoons with the tentacles and stuff." Dash shuddered. "It's always the quiet ones. Like I said, different strokes. This is absolutely hilarious, but I don't think any less of you for it."

"Wait, really?"

A nod.

"That's wonderful! I should go compare anime recommendations with her sometime, I'm sure that ... "

Dash was barely keeping it together.

Twilight sighed. "Also, thanks for the acceptance or something. What are you doing here?"

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Heh, I'm, heh, trying to avoid laughing at this, Twi, but you're not making it easy. Seriously? Anime recommendations?"

Twilight blushed and pawed at the ground. "It's just nice to hear that somepony shares my hobbies, alright?"

"I get it, I get it." Dash wobbled a foreleg. "Just, heh, wanted to say hi. So, uh ... what's going on? There a convention or something?"

Twilight brightened and walked to her computer, beckoning Dash with a hoof. "Do you know what 4pone is?"

"Kinda."

"Well, there's a human discussion board on there, and three days ago, somepony posted a remarkably realistic photo of the main character, timestamp and everything!"

Twilight pulled up the picture and shifted a bit so that Dash could see it.

"So somepony has a weird sex doll, what's the big deal?"

She rubbed her forehead. "Dash ... it's not ... look, the poster then spent the next few hours answering questions. They sound a lot like Anon, and the human in that photo was incredibly lifelike."

Dash gave a deadpan stare. "You think it's real?"

"I'm not sure." Twilight turned off the computer and walked back towards the bed. "Either that, or the poster is a uniquely skilled illusionist."

Dash turned her head to follow. "Then why are you packing that bag? Going on a marehunt to try and find them?"

"Oh please, that'd be ridiculous." Twilight giggled and rolled her eyes. "I already know where they live, I put my privileges as Princess Celestia's personal student to good use and got their IP adress!"

"Twi, what the buck?"

She walked over to a map covered in pin tacks and red Sharpie. "They're in the small town of Gottherd's Branch, which borders the northernmost point of the Everfree. The closest town with a railway station is about a half-day's walk, so it makes sense why nopony has heard from them before now."

"Twi, seriously, you sound insane. What do you mean you got their IP adress? Is that even legal?"

Twilight looked back at her friend and shrugged. "It's in a bit of a grey area, but the discoveries that I could make more than excuse any moral failings."

"You just want to have sex with him, don't you?"

" ... no comment."

Dash marched towards Twilight, her countenance stern and gaze resolute. "I'm coming with you."

She recoiled. "But you don't even watch the show!"

"Why is that your main issue with ... " Dash shook her head. "Look, yeah, I don't, but I'd never forgive myself if you end up foalnapping somepony!"

Twilight winced. "I mean ... technically, it would be a kidnapping ... "

"Twi!"

"Fine, fine, you can come! Just try to show some restraint, alright?"

Dash chuckled. "I could say the same to you."

Twilight sighed. "Rainbow, this isn't the time for me to play it safe. Anon might be out there, and if so, he needs my help. Can you imagine being stranded on an alien world, surrounded by perverts and predators?" She eyes took on a determined gleam.

"I would do anything for my husbando, anything, and there's nothing anypony can do to stop me."