• Published 1st Jul 2020
  • 13,223 Views, 707 Comments

My Little Human - Some Dickhead



Anon discovers that he's the main character of a popular TV show

  • ...
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Introductions

The bush had been following them.

It stood dead in the center of the packed-dirt road, and right at the head of a long trail of hoofprints that snaked from a nearby alleyway. Every so often, it would rustle and murmur, the barest hints of a frizzy pink tail curling out from the bottom, and the telltale glare of binoculars streaked clear through its leaves.

Anon eyed it with the same wary look that one might give an unexploded land mine, or gas station hot dog.

"Not exactly stealthy."

"Hmm."

He took a deep breath and crossed his arms.

"Still, A for effort. At least she tried to be subtle about it."

Summer scoffed.

"The keyword is 'try.' Reporter?"

"No, they'd probably be more direct—y'know, run up in a stupid looking fedora and ask us for an interview. My bet's on humare."

"Maybe, but ... honestly, I don't think a humare would even bother hiding or anything. You remember the one who squirted all over your shoes, right?"

He grimaced.

"Unfortunately."

The bush sneezed.

"We could always ask."

Anon gave Summer a raised eyebrow.

"What, and encourage her? It's like dealing with a golden retriever, any attention is bad attention."

"Well, we can't just bury our heads and hope she goes away, ignoring ponies like this only tells them that they can do whatever they want. I'd rather be like Bucephalus and cut the knot now than pussyfoot about and have our day ruined by MLH bullshit."

He opened his mouth to argue, but shut it with a sigh when her words sunk in.

"Fair enough. You mind ... ?"

With a grumble and a nod, she trotted towards the bush.

"Excuse me, but we'd appreciate it if you stopped following us."

There was no response.

"Look, I know you're hiding in there. We've been dealing with stalkers and fans and all that for like a solid month, and we're tired of it. Please go away."

Summer's hoof angrily pawed at the ground, her wings spread and chest puffed-up in some instinctual gesture of intimidation.

"Are you even listening? Don't make me call the guards."

The bush, it seems, didn't much like the idea of getting arrested, and sped off towards the marketplace as if it suddenly remembered that it had an appointment.

"Huh."

She looked back at Anon, and then to where the bush once stood, her eyes narrowed and lips pursed as her mind warred between self-satisfaction and utter bafflement.

"That ... that was a lot easier than I thought it'd be. C'mon, we ... "

It was nothing more than a miracle that Anon didn't have a heart attack when a giggling mare jumped up from between his legs and wrapped herself around his neck

"Wow, you're really tall!"

She was a strange little thing, remarkably light despite the fullness of her figure, and Anon's attempts to pry her off did nothing more than ruffle her fur. Her muzzle was smeared against his nose, her shimmering eyes mere inches from his own, and her cotton candy mane all but smothered him.

"I mean, you're not as tall as that Discord guy, but he was real floaty and stuff, so I couldn't grab onto him like this, and it's way better than doing it to Big Mac because he's only tall for a pony, and ponies are pretty short, and Jackie always gets mad at me because I'm 'ruinin' mah brother fer marriage,' but that's probably because I also like to nuzzle him and rub his face in my tuft, even though we're sorta cousins-ish, so it's ... "

"What the buck are you doing to my husband?"

The mare fell back to the ground and shot them a sheepish grin.

"Sorry about that, I love meeting new ponies, or people, or whatever-you-ares, and I just get carried away sometimes. The Cakes keep saying that they can't save me from any more legal troubles if I keep touching random stallions, but it's hard sometimes, y'know?"

With a flourish and a bang, her hooves shot into the air, and confetti rained from above.

"Anyways, my name's Pinkie Pie, and I'm Ponyville's premier party pony! I saw that you two are new to town, and decided to stop by and say hi! I also like wordplay, it's fun!"

They had no idea where the confetti even came from—it, like Pinkie herself, seemingly coalesced from the aether. The mare was certainly spirited, and apparently saw personal space as little more than a quaint suggestion, but didn't appear to hold a single shred of malice within her heart, so, at least for now, the couple silently agreed to tolerate her nonsense.

"It's nice to meet you. I'm Anonymous, and this is my wife, Summer."

Pinkie waggled her eyebrows.

"Married, eh? Quite the catch, mare, good on you!"

Summer wrapped a wing around Anon's waist, if only to verify that he hadn't left her alone with this weirdo.

"Hmm."

"So, what brings you to town?"

"Just visiting a friend. She helped us through some ... problems, and we figured it'd be best to thank her in person."

"Ooh, so a playdate!"

Anon blinked.

"Well ... that's, uh, one way to put it, I suppose."

Summer stepped in.

"Miss Pie ... "

"Please, call me Pinkie, all my friends do."

" ... Miss Pie, I don't mean to be rude, but why are you here?"

"Because I live here, silly!"

"No, I mean, why are you following us?"

"Oh! Well, Davenport came in at noon for a muffin, and he said that there was 'a right tall fella at the train station this morning.' And then Cloud Kicker called you a minotaur, and I know there's no minotaurs in Ponyville, so if you're at the train station, and a minotaur, then you're new! So I left Sugarcube Corner, then made sure you were really new by sneaking into the records room at Town Hall, then hid in a bush, then spotted you and saw that you weren't really a minotaur, and then you saw me!"

"Ah."

"So, who's your friend?"

"What?"

"I said who's your friend? I'm friends with everypony in Ponyville, and you're new, so you probably don't know where they are, but I probably do, so I can help you find them, and then we can have a friendship party with cake and streamers and stuff!"

"Um ... "

Anon and Summer shared a look—this mare, for all her eccentricities, seemed only to have the best of intentions, and something deep within them was absolutely terrified of what might happen if they got on her bad side, for as much as it existed.

"Rainbow Dash."

Pinkie's smile somehow widened.

Author's Note:

Pank Ponk