I Was Only a Foal When....

Sunburst tells his friends about him being Sunset’s brother and everything he remembers about her leaving for the first time. The second time she left, for the human world, he had just moved into the Crystal Empire. As he tells the story, Sunset helps him with the parts he can’t remember correctly if need be.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Bronycommander

Bronycommander #1 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · · ·

Short but good!

Dr Mysterious Shade

Dr Mysterious Shade #2 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · · ·

Wow, guilt trip much.

He really wanted Sunset to feel bad didn't he.

Twilight Kiki Sparkle

Twilight Kiki Sparkle #3 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · · ·

I'm not crying you are!

Wanderer D

Moderator

Wanderer D #4 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · 4 · ·

It's... cute. But I never bought into that Brother/Sister relationship. There's no evidence other than they are similarly colored (which is no evidence at all)... it's more of fandom-made idea. Starlight being more powerful than two princesses... is more than a bit of a stretch. Besides again, there being no proof other than fighting Twilight once.

The dialogue is very confusing. Half the time I'm not sure you knew who was speaking at all:

“Heading to Celestia’s school. I...I got accepted. My train leaves out this afternoon,” I responded says Sunset.

“No,” I responded says Sunset.

“Yeah, but you don’t know how to control it, and besides, your still a colt. You’re not old enough to get in yet,” I honestly snapped at him responds Sunset. I then shook him loose and ran for the train. “When I got on board, I pulled out the picture of the two of us and looked at it and ran it over with my hoof. I didn’t want to leave him behind but the rules were the rules for a reason.”

It really needs editing and cleaning up to get the ideas through more clearly.

So, I guess it's a good try at a short story about... siblings... getting reunited, but it needs work. Best of luck.

Jhoira

Jhoira #5 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · · ·

10194926

Brother/Sister relationship. There's no evidence other than they are similarly colored (which is no evidence at all)...

Goodness, I hope not, or I'm going to have to go add a fetish tag to my Flitter/Rainbow Dash fic.

Halira

Halira #6 · Apr 22nd, 2020 · · ·

Dialogue indicators need some serious help here. It isn't just that they are badly worded, or could be worded better, they honestly don't make sense at times. You have a weird pattern of saying things like "I responded said Sunset." I'm unsure if this is a result of translating from a different language from English, but it feels nonsensical, and makes it harder to read. I would recommend having someone just doing a pre-read for future chapters. The editing doesn't seem to be that bad, it is primarily the above mentioned detail, which any casual pre-readers could catch.

Edit: just read your bio, and understand a little better some of the odd wordings. Still would recommend having someone pre-read just to catch little things like that. Otherwise, good job.

Creativa-Artly01