Kentavritsa
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This is some of the worst writing I've ever read.
10079226
Could you elaborate, anything beyond a mere statement of an oppinion?
There are misused commas, semicolons, and question marks everywhere.
It's bogged down with pointless descriptions of irrelevant things, such as the cleanliness of the windows in the lobby.
The story is told from the first person, but there are lots of references to things the protagonist supposedly isn't aware of, such as other characters' thoughts. Most of these don't serve any purpose.
The makeup scene is boring. Some tension is introduced at the beginning of it with her hands getting stuck to the chair, but nothing comes of that. It's also not clear what's being done to her palms.
The Mistress (Chrysalis?) begins speaking without appearing, and is identified only as "she" until the protagonist addresses her. It's only after they start walking together that her changeling appearance is noticed.
The chapter ends in the middle of the action.
10079382
I could go over the punctuation, to see what I can do with it. Though some further clarification and examples would probably make it easier to see the issues.
I was trying to set the stage. I hope some of the items will make more sense along the way as ths story progresses. The loby is intended to front them as a serious business establishment.
I commonly do write my stories in first person. I view thoughts as actions, and part of characterisation; even when these are not seen or known by the "Protagonist". Some of these are intended to foreshadow something that may happen later.
Is it even possible to make a make-up scene fun and exciting? If soI could try to improve upon this. Though it will serve a purpose later. I guess I dropped the ball on this, if you feel I could have capitalized on this.
I could have characterized her more, in the beginning of the scene? It is a poor Changeling, if she is revealing herself before it is time.
I seems to have issue with where and how to split chapters. I felt this was the end of what the title of the chapter had promised. Leaving room for the next chapter.
Thank you, for responding.
10079795
Im not much of a writer but im pretty sure ending every characters line with an exclamation point (!) Is not right, you should save those for when there appropriate to the scene, otherwise they lose there intended effect
10084345
Every line? Never a questionmark(?)
You don't need to be a writer, in order to be good at gramar.
Two out of three characters introduced are excitable, which is one of the most common causes of applying the exclamationpoint(!). At least, to the best of my knowledge.
The third is authorative, which could warrent exclamationpoints from another standpoint.
Could you elaborate, on how I best follow grammar, and please your sensibilities in the writing at the same time?
Some development is to come, when the moment is calling for it.
10092103
I would recommend checking the writers guild listed on the side bar, it has a section on this topic. As for the characters being excitable, i read every line like they started at a normal volume and then yelled the last few words, excitable to me would be like...
Pinkie pie pulled the cupcakes out of the oven. "These cupcakes only need one more thing" Pinkie said to Rainbow Dash, placing the tray on the counter.
"Oh ya, whats that?" Rainbow responded.
Pinkie inhaled audibly, "Icing!" Yelling right into Rainbow Dash bowling her over.
If i had put an exclamation mark in Pinkies first line, the "Icing!" line would lose alot of impact, i also added more detail in how she said it which adds to the impact as well. Its your story and your characters, you write them how you like, this is just somthing that stuck out to me personally
10092310
I think I found it, and I have read this before. I was reading it, as I had red your point.
While I can follow your point, but I can't quite agree.
Based on this short segment; I can see how you think.
If I assume you were saving space, rather than writing properly this was a good scene.
Maybe you are not such a bad writer as you think?
In the explisit example, it would. Though it is not about punching the reader in the guts I am aiming for.
Placing details in the tag by the dialogue is something I commonly do, even if I do get some complaints about this.
I try to use the entire formate, in rder to paint the picture. from the minute details, to the broader scene.
Thank you. It is. I appreciate, when someone takes the time to try to formulate something constructive. Even if I may fail to express it, on occasion. Partially do to how the comment may have been worded.
If only more readers could take the chance and try to write down a few short lines, before they hae the entre story. You never know, maybe your comment saved your overal experience before it is too late?
Let me guess: The plot is that someone has stolen the Red Crop, and our heroes need to get it back.
10171396
You are free to speculate, but no major plot points can be revealed before time.
Hope you understand.
English
This picture sums up of how I feel when reading this.
i.ibb.co/Srs0jqz/krabs.jpg
The hell is going on!? Like, things that aren't important are addressed for no reason but her palms are never elaborated on after the chair incident, The Mistress seems to be stuck in a wall because she talks without being mentioned and her changelings appear out of no where! It's the embodiment of reading a Bethesda game.
Now, I don't want to come off so mean, so I genuinely think this could be interesting but you need to get a partner to help you execute this properly.
10592634
I would prefer not to have pictures here, and I am not a gamer so these refferences are also utterly irrelevant.
The only reason for yu to include either is if you intend to come out as more clecter than you actually are.
But if you care to elaborate, I would be quite happy to listen to any constructive critisim you have to offer.
Narrative is ballanced between scene and foreshadowing, which it feels as if you had either ignoed or just missed.
if it is mentioned, it has importance to the story, in one fashion or the other.
If a character seems to be stuck, she is actually stuck, not just seems to be.
They did not just appear out of nowhere, but were revealed at the time to explain something.
Ps, wonder who did not like this response, and why..