The touch of this red crop, holds the power to change the one it is touching; on a specific part, or the entire body. It only depends on how and the affectionate touch. A Mystery-item, the charmed Fetish is the key.
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This is some of the worst writing I've ever read.
10079226
Could you elaborate, anything beyond a mere statement of an oppinion?
There are misused commas, semicolons, and question marks everywhere.
It's bogged down with pointless descriptions of irrelevant things, such as the cleanliness of the windows in the lobby.
The story is told from the first person, but there are lots of references to things the protagonist supposedly isn't aware of, such as other characters' thoughts. Most of these don't serve any purpose.
The makeup scene is boring. Some tension is introduced at the beginning of it with her hands getting stuck to the chair, but nothing comes of that. It's also not clear what's being done to her palms.
The Mistress (Chrysalis?) begins speaking without appearing, and is identified only as "she" until the protagonist addresses her. It's only after they start walking together that her changeling appearance is noticed.
The chapter ends in the middle of the action.
10079382
I could go over the punctuation, to see what I can do with it. Though some further clarification and examples would probably make it easier to see the issues.
I was trying to set the stage. I hope some of the items will make more sense along the way as ths story progresses. The loby is intended to front them as a serious business establishment.
I commonly do write my stories in first person. I view thoughts as actions, and part of characterisation; even when these are not seen or known by the "Protagonist". Some of these are intended to foreshadow something that may happen later.
Is it even possible to make a make-up scene fun and exciting? If soI could try to improve upon this. Though it will serve a purpose later. I guess I dropped the ball on this, if you feel I could have capitalized on this.
I could have characterized her more, in the beginning of the scene? It is a poor Changeling, if she is revealing herself before it is time.
I seems to have issue with where and how to split chapters. I felt this was the end of what the title of the chapter had promised. Leaving room for the next chapter.
Thank you, for responding.
10079795
Im not much of a writer but im pretty sure ending every characters line with an exclamation point (!) Is not right, you should save those for when there appropriate to the scene, otherwise they lose there intended effect
10084345
Every line? Never a questionmark(?)
You don't need to be a writer, in order to be good at gramar.
Two out of three characters introduced are excitable, which is one of the most common causes of applying the exclamationpoint(!). At least, to the best of my knowledge.
The third is authorative, which could warrent exclamationpoints from another standpoint.
Could you elaborate, on how I best follow grammar, and please your sensibilities in the writing at the same time?
Some development is to come, when the moment is calling for it.
10092103
I would recommend checking the writers guild listed on the side bar, it has a section on this topic. As for the characters being excitable, i read every line like they started at a normal volume and then yelled the last few words, excitable to me would be like...
Pinkie pie pulled the cupcakes out of the oven. "These cupcakes only need one more thing" Pinkie said to Rainbow Dash, placing the tray on the counter.
"Oh ya, whats that?" Rainbow responded.
Pinkie inhaled audibly, "Icing!" Yelling right into Rainbow Dash bowling her over.
If i had put an exclamation mark in Pinkies first line, the "Icing!" line would lose alot of impact, i also added more detail in how she said it which adds to the impact as well. Its your story and your characters, you write them how you like, this is just somthing that stuck out to me personally