Down

by B_25

There's no point to this

Down and Out
B_25

I was down as I had been so many times in my life, each one seeming like the end, though something always breaking me through on the other side. Twilight and Starlight were my closest friends in these last few years—in a distant kind of way.

I had problems of which I did not speak, for their full meaning didn't go fully heard, and the responses were never down to pat. They struck something close to right. Some truth or validation to allow me to go on. But when I came to them with repeating problems... that's when then new one arose.

The same answer given to the same problem, the groan and subtle roll of the eyes saying: “Here we go again.” Maybe they did it for show. Some jest to have fun with. But the deep moments felt more like movements as of late. Or maybe that's all on me.

I take to the halls of the castle as they are dark and without much moonlight. Giant windows pass across the side of my walking form, glimpsing me to a world empty and asleep, my greatest calls nothing but echos to the hall.

There was something wrong with me. Nothing that I could outright said was the case—only the sublte feeling of something not being quite right. I wasn't where I wanted to be. I wasn't who I wanted to be. I was still here, as I would always be. Something felt horrible about that thought alone.

I always thought there would come a time where I would head out on my own. When Twilight had left Canterlot to make friends and puruse a life, that I would also do the same, only, in my way. It would be my story with my group of friends.

Once a side-character, always a side character.

I didn't belong in the castle. Too many years had gone by and it was soon becoming time for me to leave. But to go where? The first thought was of home, our home, the very first that took us in when we came to this strange place. Where I was still small and Twilight was still without her wings.

Why couldn't we go back to the way things were?

One is supposed to get stronger as they grow older, becoming something more, helping those around the best they can, following their path ever forward. It's the progression our souls are addicted to. The sense of going forward.

But when I think of what I am to become, a dragon set to explore across the lands, away from home, no longer with her... something within me breaks. The best days of my life were spent underneath blankets cuddling and riding on her back.

I take to the opening in the hall, the opening to the baloney where I walked out, leaning my arms on its rest, gazing over the town asleep. Not many were granted this sight. None of it was through any effort of my own. Rather, it was being close to her that did the trick.

I knew she would smack my head if she knew I was thinking like this. Even I knew I shouldn't be thinking like this. But in the nights that are long and cold, without a candle lit and a snack to be had, sometimes, the mind becomes stuck in a point.

A point that likes to flash forward.

Of how all the good times are going to end. That those around soon won't be that way. Sure I could focus on myself. Getting better, becoming more, hoping something greater comes out of myself, a new sense of power or purpose able to change how I feel about everything—though that is a mere trap set by the brain.

I sigh into the night, my air becoming its steam. It faded in a few seconds. Not even the warmth of it lingered in the air. There was a metaphor in there, somewhere. But I keep my mind away from such things. Not when they cut and gut whatever hope you have left.

Twilight told me, once upon a time, when her only friend was one alone, that it doesn't matter how ponies view you. What matters most is how you view yourself. And I nodded my head for I believe it to be true.

But when it came to those long nights for her, that's when I couldn't be sure anymore, her form curled on the bed, brushing her tail, eyes inside a book, looking for some words to wish her well. When I came, speaking of how important she was, that I loved her, and that seeing her like this hurt me... she brightened up after such things.

And when she made her friends, the best ones she would hold in her life, her feeling of worth rose drastically. I haven't had such luck. Ponies tell me I matter. Tell me I'm good at what I do. But their words always feel forced. Simple sayings so they don't have to deal with my dread.

There came a thud, something loud but short, pulling my gaze back to the castle. Was someone awake? The sound wasn't nice. Decent excuse to investigate. Taking back to the hall, I carried myself down it, not caring to switch on a light, enjoying the lost into darkness.

Until I stumble into her door.

It was opened a crack, a feat done by the window kept open, the winds always keeping it from fully closing. Lightly I rapped my knuckles against the wood, not wanting to wake but inform those who were, though hearing nothing but snores coming from within.

Only, they weren't coming from the bed.

Gazing away from it, finding the source of it all wasn't hard, not when the desk of the room was placed underneath the open window. Twilight laid forward in a slump against the wood, drooling on a parchment. She shivered in her sleep. Not enough to severely disturb her.

Should I move her? No. She hates being woke back up even if it's to escort her to the bed. Rather, in glancing back to her sheets, I then waked over to them, pulling up the blanket, turning and holding it out, bringing it back to her.

And then slowly, softly, gently too, I laid it over her, watching its weight conform around her form. Twilight snuggled into it with a happy smile. She was quick to lose herself to sleep. Pleasant feelings surging from her.

I felt better about myself when I was back out the door.

Maybe I'll never figure myself out. There won't come a day of being a hero, a true and proper one, the kind I dreamed about when I was younger. Maybe I was destined to be a nobody with something a little special about him. None of these thoughts and ideas never remained consistent for long.

So long as I could help Twilight Sparkle, even if only a little... then I would be okay with that.

Author's Note:

There's no point to this.

Comments

[Philosophysics]

And when there's no point, we find one.

If we can't find one, then we make one.

And then we live with it.

And if we can't find one or make one, well...

The world's big. I'm sure there's somebody that has an idea on what to do. Just got to keep trying.

[Watcher 101]

Loneliness can drive us insane.

[ChangelingProductions]

This was more serous then I thought it would be... Loved it!

[Yosh-E-O]

Stories like this tend to have far more meaning than those in which attempt to have 'meaning'. The so-called 'meaningless' can often be very meaningful to a keen eye and/or someone who is able to decipher the tale in a way that they are able to relate to.

For me, I see this tale as why I always feel like Spike is my most relatable character. He's always been 'different'. He's always wanted to be a key part of Twilight's life along with finding his own destiny along the way. However his path went largely unchanged as the series concluded. He was given some moments of validation but to the degree in which these affirmations impacted his ongoing day-to-day life were few and far between.

As this story tells well, Spike was often 'humored' by Twilight's friends. A lot of his 'growing pains' were largely not given a lot of thought beyond dealing with them as they came. He was a boy in a girl's world. He was a dragon amidst a society of equines. He was also set to extremely high standards for a child who, at best, was but a few years older than The Cutie Mark Crusaders.

The CMC, Mane 7, and so many others around him grew and developed over the years. These changes were long-lasting and gave all their lives more meaning. Spike had some moments but they always quickly lead back to "Assistant To Twilight Sparkle".

For Spike, times prior to Season 1 were special as Twilight gave him all her attention. She needed him and he needed her. However this changed upon reaching Ponyville.

Now, in my translation, I remember growing up knowing that, one day, I would be totally blind. I was perpetually teased as I struggled through mainstream education. I tried so hard to fit in but never could as my low vision made me quite unwanted in many circles. I took to finding ways into the computer labs and working the school library to escape times of torment.

However, while growing up, I was always told that I'd have my eyes fixed once I stopped growing. That I would 'fit in' and my talents would be appreciated.

Through college, I learned the promises of having my sight fixed were all well meant lies. Though, despite still feeling like an outcast I was informed how employers 'liked' people with disabilities because they knew we were hard and dedicated workers.

Then I got my first real job after acquiring my MBA. I worked very hard and learned quite harshly how employers valuing the disabled was a lie. Before I was terminated at Job 1, I was asked to sit in the center of the small-business room and 'apologize' for how my disability inconvenienced my coworkers. (This is no joke.)

I then got another job through a disability-focused job recruiter at a company known for respecting diversity. The contractor not only underpaid me for my work but the employer took no time to put my talents to use. I was given projects that never went reviewed. What kept me alive, along with eventually getting hired, was how I 'forced' myself into other areas so I wouldn't be abandoned to be a 'token' in a cubicle.

I had felt I had worth and was doing great. However my company changed from non-profit to for-profit, new systems were introduced, and my adaptable technology started to fail. This got numerous responsibilities pulled from me and those at the disability recruiter, who had people working my department, helped me not. Eventually I was dragged into a surprise meeting where the HR Rep and my Supervisor allowed my Director to tell me how worthless I was for 40 minutes. (Of course, none of this went documented and he got away with monthly statements of discrimination towards me before I was forced out)

Those people at the disability recruiter never reached out once during a time where I was ready to take my life for how, between almost having no sight, survived numerous surgeries, was at the lowest of my lows as I was apparently deemed worthless.

At my current job, I have had to go on a Leave Of Absense as the technology used to service those I work for has gone very downhill to where I can not keep up being a positive worker who, now, has zero eyesight and a missing eyeball. It isn't looking good for me to be able to return either. :(

In reflecting, all I ever wanted to be is a Spike. I think Spike only ever wanted to feel 'validated' for his efforts while having the same opportunities those arund him had. He liked being the one every creature could depend on but, sadly, he was largely forgotten with a finale that showed him as a lone dragon whom traveled the lands on Twilight's behalf before returning and doing it again. He had a 'purpose' but not a life. What self-value did he really gain that he could be proud of that wasn't only a temporary statement, action, etc. that had no real lasting effect. Even his ongoing traumas from Garble were downplayed by the end. Years of torment meant to be pardoned because poor Garble felt he couldn't be a 'Beat Poet'. Quite a slap in the face for the years Spike was tormented, injured, and put down by Garble. Kind of like one of those, "Suck it up and deal" moments that pardoned Garble without ever validating the hurt Spike had endured to his young heart for so long.

Perhaps, in some way, you, too, feel like Spike? You feel like the world around you grows and develops as you are in an endless loop of 'two-steps forward and one-step back'. You learn from life experience but always end up back where you started with the spark of hope that, one day, you can find a place that truly values you for you and your talents. Where you can feel special instead of as like a sidekick easily replaced when no longer needed?

Just my thoughts. :)

[A Drunk Soviet]

Ignoring the meta narrative for a moment, I was always sad that spike gets sidelined. Even in like the one episode with the power ponies that "addresses" the issue, he never has his own agency. I wish that he would have became the leader of the dragons, or had just done something for himself instead of just lounging at the castle for twenty years while life passed him by.

I don't know what you're going through, but I know that you can be better (if you aren't already) than spike. I wish you the best of luck in whatever path you take. Even if you fail, at least you can say that you kept moving forward.

[Grailm]

The thing that really bothers me is that Spike had the chance to be somebody. He could have been Dragonlord yet turned it down. He could have used his great intelligence and made the dragons lands greater then ever. He could have been a great leader. Yet he didn't to stay the Assistant of Twilight.

That was the perfect opportunity to be his own character. Yet he was too attached to Twilight. Perfect example being his deep fear as shown by Sombra of him being abandoned by Twilight. Becasue of this he let the chance slip by and once he got over that fear and no longer relied on Twilight for meaning and purpose.

Well, it was too late. Seemingly forever relegated to being an assistant with no real impact or value. No real appreciation or anything of worth.

With at the worst of times being a punching bag and slave for others. Looking at you Rarity the most. With at the best being actually treated like an individual for once.

Hell. How many years did he have to sleep in a fucking dog bed before actually someone said "Hey, isnt he a living sentient being with thoughts and emotions. Not a god Dam pet." Not to mention literally becoming one in the human world. How downright demeaning is that.

Thus for years the only value he got was being of use to others. Never given proper direction to grow into his own and not have to rely on the validation of others in order have some self worth.

Its sad and sickening. Spike deserves better. Alot better then what he got.

[Cryosite]

Spike doesn't matter.

[Natalya Nurmatovna]

There is no point.

Of course there's a point!
Spike is the quintessential Outsider: an alien in a foreign land who, because of his alieness, feels cutoff from the herd.
He thinks he isn't important and that his friends don't take him seriously enough. He wants to be a hero, someone that matters, but is stuck as being Twilight's assistant, feeling like a non-entity. He's worried about the future of wandering and clinging anxiously to the past: to Twilight and her cuddling.
In this fic we see Spike grown up and standing at the crossroad of life, fearful, not knowing what awaits either north or south, east or west. He wants to move ahead, sick of the rut that is his current life, but the dread of unknown is too strong and so he retreats back into the safety of the usual.
A very good representation of the inner life of an adult of above average intelligence, with the hope, the nausea, and the dread. And it does propose an answer to the existential anguish:

So long as I could help Twilight Sparkle, even if only a little... then I would be okay with that.

Whether you end up as hero or not, you got to take care of friends first. Succes is good; but does success matter if the end you're a alone, swelling with regret about the missed opportunities with your family and friends?
You're a good writer.
Far better than you suspect.

[Scyphi]

10008112
In the show's defense, there was a valid storytelling reason for Spike to turn down being the Dragon Lord, as it demonstrated to the onlookers that he wasn't looking for the position for the power, greed, or fame like most of the other dragons--he just wanted it so he could help his friends, thus setting an important example for Ember to follow when she took up that mantle instead, one she's done a fair job doing. No, it didn't help Spike as a character in the long run, but it was important for the plot line of the moment, and I can't honestly say I blame the show for doing that, especially as the end goal was to teach a lesson in friendship. Indeed, in conversations like this, I feel like it is sometimes important to remember that the show's goal was always just that--teach friendship--and to look deeper into it is to miss the whole point of the show at times.

But that being said...

...I agree there was plenty more that could've been done with Spike as a character. It's just, from my own experience writing for him, I've found he really is a pretty selfless character most of the time, less concerned about himself and more concerned of the needs of those around him. It's his core defining trait, really, and it's a great one to have, something more people in the real world could stand to have, honestly, and I do think that was part of the show's intent, writing him the way he was. He's good at just sort of falling into that role without consciously meaning to.

So on one side, I'm not all that surprised he remained faithfully and loyally to the sidelines as the eternal assistant to creatures playing a far bigger role in things than he likely ever will, and it's sort of admirable that he's not only accepted that but, most times, seems content with it. But at the same time, I know being selfless only gets one so far, and there are times where one needs to think about their own needs over that of others and prioritize that, or you lose yourself, or worse, your motivation to keep going. Everybody has their own well-beings that they need to pander to from time to time, and the argument can certainly be made that Spike never really got such chances for that throughout the course of the show, fewer still ones that really lasted beyond one maybe two episodes.

Still...it would've been nice if Spike had been given some more chances where he and he alone could truly shine...

[RDDash]

I don't even know what this is about. There is no point.