The nightmares had been haunting her. Robbing her of sleep, the one refuge every sentient being deserves. They all said they'd help her. But she knew they were lying. They just needed an excuse.
But she wasn't going to give it to them.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 15th Nov, 2011
- offline last seen January 19th
FanNotANerd
Hello? Is... is this thing on? The red light means it's on, right? Or do I... I have to push a button, don't I? Well, which one? There's like ten! The black one? They're all black!
FanNotANerd
Joined 15th Nov, 2011 ·
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Uggh, god enough already we don't want another scenario like Dash is always the victim in gore stories
69219 I...uh, what? I think you said you didn't want a gory Dash execution scene. I never even mentioned Dash. The hell are you talking about?
I say go for the extra chapter. It's pretty good. Though, I would have had the other "silencings" as their own chapters but I'm no writer.
Uh huh....
Well, psychological horror is one of my favorite genres, so I desperately want to like this story. As it stands however, I'm really just not feeling it, for two main reasons.
First, you're going way too fast. What really defines psychological horror, at least to me, is the descent, the protagonists slow and terrifying fall into the depths of insanity. Here, you've already started with Fluttershy already over the edge, already lost. There's no anticipation, no build-up. It's just there.
Second, and more importantly, this isn't really psychological horror, at least not yet. With those last few lines, you effectively turned this into a gore story starring a deranged killer nothing more. It felt like you were shoving aside Fluttershy's plight in favor of having her murder her friends.
So... yeah. Interesting start, decent writing, but I just can't get into it. Sorry.
69327 I know. I'll probably end up shelving this idea for development into a multichapter later. Which won't be written any time soon, seeing as I already have another multi on the go. Can't blame me for trying.
69359 I can and I will blame you for trying! How dare you attempt to do something new and interesting?! Who the hell do you think you are, some kind of writer?!
In all seriousness though, I meant what I said about your writing. It's pretty good; some more work on building the atmosphere and this story could have been delightfully terrifying.
If you're going to make another psych' horror make it more confusing,and have more and more ponies disappearing everyday;and make it look like another ponies doing it
But over all it was good
Point taken: a good horror has to be longer. Thanks for the feedback.
69245 I think he means with all the horror fics that involve dash then something with fluttershy ressembling a lot of them comes a long it gets a bit old.But in my opnion it's a nice story nice as in idea not the other term.
Fluttershy can Bake?
this is scary
do not want
im offended u made such a scary story about mlp fim
WELP! Not like I wanted to go to sleep.
The nugget that stands out to me is that you know blood smells metallic. Interesting tidbit to share, since it tastes like something coppery in your mouth. An acknowledgement of such a fine detail shows definite talent brewing beneath the surface.
I can't say I really enjoyed this one, though. Fluttershy's tipping point is entirely absent. Recurring nightmare's can do a lot to damage a person, but the rushed feeling that quickly led to the murder of half the cast? I understand everyone likes to write a dark story or a clop story now and then, to get it out of their systems (I've yet to do either, myself, though I prolly should), but this one just doesn't seem to have a REASON behind it. Fluttershy decides to murder her friends for smiling at her wrong, for laughing, or for other such tiny reasons. She's not that frail and volatile, I don't think. Though, in canon we do know that Fluttershy sits upon a powder keg of untapped RAGE, I'm just not feeling comfy seeing it go so far so quickly. Then again, I'm not into dark stories for my MLP fanfics, so meh. Just not my cup of tea, I suppose.
Cheers!
300259 I must say, I'm surprised to see that out of all my stories, you chose to read what is arguably one of my worst. Yes, I know it moves too fast, and the psychological effect is completely lost as a result. At the point that I wrote this, I'd just finished a particularly disturbing collection of Stephen King short stories (one of them being The Mist) and needed some kind of outlet to get all the f*ck out of my head. That, and I wanted to experiment with horror a little more.
As for knowing that blood smells metallic, I could say it's because I'm a biology major who inferred that because hemoglobin is structured around iron atoms...but in reality it's just because I'm not exactly the most coordinated person, and a bit of a risktaker. That combines into a delightful recipe for an alarmingly high self-injury rate.
In any case, thanks for the review. I know my reply may seem a mess of petty self-justificatons, but I still appreciate any sort of cohesive, well-structured feedback.
I liked it! Kinda reminds me of Rocket to Insanity.
I thought it could have used a bit more fleshing out. The story itself seems to be decently paced, (perhaps a little fast) but the setting and premise seem to be very hollow and unfulfilled. This story gave us about 5 paragraphs of vague explanation to work with. It's not entirely a bad thing to keep the reader in the dark, but the darkness just seemed a bit empty - if you get what I mean.
I'm far from a writer or reader that knows what he's doing; but the one recurring thing I see in fantastic stories is how they 'set the stage'. The reader, for the most part, likes to have a strong connection not only with the lead character(s), but also with the setting and environment. It's almost as if you want to show them a picture of where and what is going on -- with text. It feels as if this was a bit left behind in favour of advancing the plot.
For example, the scene where Fluttershy is admiring nature, and is brought to reality with the gore. I've found that juxtaposition of opposites (death and beauty/life) is an extremely powerful device, and if both sides were weighted a bit more, it would really add to the atmosphere and overall feel of the story. You did it well, just a little more 'oomph' would make it far more powerful.
Hopefully some of this made sense. All in all, I did enjoy it. I think you should try writing another one of these!
NOBODY GO INSIDE FLUTTERSHY'S SHED!!!!!! PLEASE DON'T!!!!!! I'M WARNING YOU, DON'T GO IN HER SHED!!!!!!