A dark and stormy blizzard over the everfree, a hellish snow storm in a distant city. Crashes of light raining out in both places, and the strange disappearance of one group of people, while another sudden appearance of another group in a distant land. Such a strange thing has happened over the ages of both places, but no one knows why. Well this group is about to find out that stranger things can happen, and not just to them, follow the journey of these stranded souls as they seek to understand the new land they are in, while learning many things, good and bad alike...
Chapters (12)
Hello readers! Can you please tell me what is wrong with my story so that I may focus
Hello readers! Please leave a comment to tell me any issues you find
This is really good. Nice flow but the point of view change seems almost forced.
10040545
>Equestria at War loading screen
Ah, a fellow man of culture I see. So far I like it- I do have to agree with the two prior posters. Not every bit of information about a character's load-out is necessary- if equipment is to be used, the smaller articles can be introduced organically. A general idea of a pony's role is enough- as long as further items do not seem outlandish, readers will accept that they have them.
Got it and thanks for your words of advice, usally descriptions in full are just so I don’t have to constantly inquire on why someone has a certain thing, and is used in most cases to give up their timeline
I felt that, like everyone else, that the mundane, excruciatingly detailed loadouts and actions in the story were unnecessary. Just slowly introduce everything and the story will flow better and last longer.
Thank you all for your amazing comments, I will use a little less description, but on a few occasions I may use description heavily, so forgive me when I do, but I will absolutely lower description just a little on characters
10049655
Glad to hear your interest, I’ll talk to you over private messages when discussing ideas and parts of the story I haven’t added yet or published
Any spelling, grammar and other such things please just post in comments so I can just quickly grab them and fix them up
10050102
Thanks for the help, those are taken care of
10050498
Fixed
More
Oh thank you! What do you like about it so far, so that I can add more!
10055446
I like how the troops are from different countries and times but share kinship. I suspect Celestia will be out for there blood though as they will punch holes in her vision of a perfect world
10055619
...that’s...uh...shit...well I guess m rewriting the next chapter
10055619
Naw just kiddin, I love your vision though, and just for that, how would you like to receive a data cache?
Anyway to all my readers! A data cache is a short chapter, not even a few paragraphs long, these usally detail anomaly’s and explain the unknown
Lol really. That would be awesome
Ps I’m military airforce with top marks in marksmen ship and the ability to make any kind of 💣 I love my job.
10055697
That sounds awsome, and the chapter will be posted now, again, it’s EXTREMELY short, and is posted as a side series, which will NEVER connect with the main story...maybe
10055700
K it’s posted, refresh and read
If u want I can do audio recordings on YouTube if u send me data caches. Anomaly’s and fucked moments of recording such a deaths or a rip in the universe. Just an idea
10055731
Oh fuck yes, can you do the first one then, then post it on YouTube and send me the link?!
Sure man
10055735
Your a fucking king, send me the url when you post it, I will watch that shit ASAP! Hello was working on another one, so I might send that tomorrow or later
https://youtu.be/xFjnUP5rziw. Here u go
I’ll get more people to do voices
10055759
Oh I’ll watch it right now!
10055769
Love the work! The voices are what I was looking for, others helping would certainly be useful, overall, another chapter will be posted later on for data cache 2! Keep up the amazing work and support!
Will do
10055778
Oh and one more thing, how would you like to be in the story? Or to be more specific, how would you like to exist in the story, then die horrendously within the same chapter?
Sounds like fun. I’ll make an audio for this to give u an little more room to move as to make it to where u can push a hotter element out
Don’t put that person in till u see the audio though. It won’t have the horror element if u spring it without a shit show to look back at
Deal?
10055802
Thanks! Also to let you know you will die as a Solar guard Sergeant to my newest evil being introduced in Equestria, the Cordiaceps fungus!
10055805
Oh deal!
10055806
But your still getting murdered by a fungus...so do whatever you like!
Aw.
10055817
Lol, how would you like to die?
10055817
Because if you die to the fungus, you get to duck up a LOT of Royal guards
I was going to run a soilder who’s entire squad got horrifically killed
Can I still run it by u
10055824
Go right ahead, I’ll take what you do and make it into a chapter to build into my story
I’ll do a guard audio but can I throw a wtf your way to give u a bit more of a heavy atmosphere
10055827
Although be warned, if it dosent work in the way I need it to, I’ll just alter it
10055831
K go ahead!
Can I still run that fucked up audio by u while I do a guard log
10055836
Go ahead!
It feels like there are two separate rewrites of the same story being mashed and folded on top of one another, there are like 4 characters that just come out of no where, a unicorn mare, a unicorn stallion, who-ever the British voice is, this 'Priv. Clank', and the changeling and griffon stopped aiming their guns at each other as long as the other stopped aiming at them, then like a couple minutes later, two soldiers come out pointing their guns at the griffon, and also the narration is hella off, with the jump to the vehicles describing them as 'metal monstrosities' but then right after that calling out and describing the characters' guns perfectly, then immediately going back to describing the vehicles as if the narrator was equestrian, also after that the griffon says there is a bright fire off in the distance, at which point the tank commander says that they should look for society and saying they should go towards the treehut, when no treehut was mentioned and a giant fire might be a bit more concerning than a tree hut.
Sorry for the repeats
It bugged