Welcome to Ponyville

by Twi-Fi

Super Serious Sanctioned Sun Celebration

In a world ruled by changelings, anyone could be anyone which means everyone is no one. And no one is most certainly two.

Good evening, dear listeners, and welcome to Ponyville.

Before I get to the news I must make a quick public service announcement. Run! Run! Run! Stop! Run! Those are the required Sun Celebration dance steps. Be sure to learn them. Mistakes won’t be tolerated.

Ponyville, it is my greatest pleasure to announce the beginning of the Sun Celebration! I for one am so excited. This is the greatest holiday ever! So be sure to be there! Attendance will be mandatory. Secret Police will be checking all homes, shops, and even looking under rocks for disloyal ponies. No moon worshiping cultists in my town!

In preparation for the Sun Celebration, ponyville has added more river crossing canons. Since no pony is legally allowed to be higher than Celestia, Ponyville has a strict no-fly zone policy in place. Pegasi have set up… clouds in convenient places to zap any pony out of the sky should they attempt to fly. Birds best stay clear.

The City Council has passed a new law. All unknowable ponies are unknowable by law. I’m sorry for the mint-green Background Pony. You know, the one with the lyre cutie mark? Whatever her name is… it’s illegal to know it now. So don’t ask her.

Oh, dear listeners, I’m getting a call. I’ll put it on the air for you all.

“Hello it’s L—!”

“It’s her. It’s Background Pony.”

“That is not my name. My name is L—! I don’t know why that is so hard, Just say L—!”

“Oh woah! We’re um, you’re breaking up. Hello? Hel—”

She’s gone. Few, that was close. I can’t believe she tried to break the law. Luckily the Secret Censors are working or we’d all be in trouble.

Let’s um, go to a commercial, to clear the air.

Do you need to dress to impress? I have exactly what you need. But you can’t afford it. No, really, darling, you cannot. Stop coming in! Go somewhere else! Just leave me alone with my dresses! They’re mine!

Shop at Rarity’s if you know what’s best for you!

We are back, dear listeners. While I was away the Secret Police have just informed me that a new pony is in town. And she is extremely dangerous. She has been here all but five minutes and is already complaining about the lack of a library—um hello, it got obliterated! Sheesh. Acting like library trees just grow anywhere. Some ponies… She also has crazy theories about Luna. Yep one of those. She is simply illegal. Her existence is against the law. We have no description of her, but she must be avoided at all costs. Even if you have to burn down your own house. So be on the lookout for someone who likes libraries and is probably a Luna cultist.

The Super Secret Police have just informed me that the Secret Police may not be cut-out for this new threat. Yep, ponies, you heard it here first. Gone are the simple days or worrying about Changelings who can look like literally anyone. It’s all conspiracies and Luna worshipers.

And now for a look at traffic. The skies are clear. Only one pegasus pony was zapped. She won’t be flying again. But fear not. The City Council has given her a scooter to get around on.

This has been traffic.

Listeners, we recently sent our interns out into the field for a bit of investigative journalism. They have not come back yet. More on this story as it develops.

And now for a closer look at—wait! I’m getting another message from the Secret Police. It says… Dragon.

Now there’s no need to panic. Dragon is probably just a name. The Secret Police like to tell me names sometimes with no explanation. It’s all part of the secrecy they tell me.

I’m now being told that Mayor Mare is holding an emergency press conference on Dragon. If I had any interns left, I’d gladly send them through the vortex into her office to get the scoop first hoof. Sadly they are still investigating the field.

And now a word from our sponsors.

Apples! Apples! Apples! Buy some apples! They make ya smarter like me!

Oh yeah? If you were so smart, Apple Bloom, then why are you still in school?

Hey, I’m there, but I like it! Maybe I’m just bored. Living on a farm there’s always nothing to do!

You’re failing your classes.

Are not!

Are too!

You’re just jealous, Sweetie Belle!

What in tarnation are you two fillies doing in this here magic commercial making room!

And now a history lesson about the first Sun Celebration and why no fly zones are important. Way back in the old days of old the ponies were commanded to worship the sun and praise Celestia. So they all attended a celebration in her honor. One pegasus was hovering a little higher than Celestia’s head. So, she took flight to get higher than him. He went higher with her. And she went even higher. Soon they were so high up, no pony could see. But when Celestia spoke in her royal Canterlot voice, it was so loud it leveled Old Ponyville.

No pony was too mad about it though. They were looking to tear down Old Ponyville so they could make another Ponyville ten feet to the left. And since no one wants to move Ponyville in this day and age, we must enact strict no fly zones.

This has been history.

And now, dear listeners, we must end early for the Sun Celebration. Be there, or be exiled!

Good night, Ponyville, and worship the sun. It’s the law!

Comments

[FanOfMostEverything]

Lovely bit of ridiculous, ominous fun. Good to see more of this.