The Miss Equestrian Champion Beauty Pageant

by Mica

A punny story

Beauty pageants. Where fillies dressed like grown mares and exposed themselves in provocative outfits to seduce the judges into voting for them. Twilight absolutely hated them, and what they stood for. Part of it was perhaps jealousy. She could never be pretty enough for a pageant. She was a bookworm all her life, and had let her looks go to pot in favor of her studies. (Bronies and Tara Strong’s birthday cake would disagree.)

Yet this year, Princess Cadence asked Princess Twilight to run the annual Miss Teen Equestria pageant, the largest pony beauty pageant. And she couldn’t say no to her former foalsitter and one of her dearest friends.

“Well, if I’m gonna run it, I might as well make some changes,” Twilight declared.

Firstly, she opened the pageant to everycreature, much like the last School of Friendship dance. Secondly, she opened the pageant to all female-identifying creatures. (Big Mac would have entered if he were young enough to be eligible.) Thirdly, she removed any misogynistic undertones from the pageant. This included changing the title of the pageant winner.

Twilight held a meeting with the pageant coordinators to discuss changing the name for “Miss Teen Equestria,” as it was traditionally called.

“We want this pageant to serve as a way to empower girls, not objectify them,” Twilight said. She was in so many meetings that week that she had become accustomed to suing the royal “we.”

“Well, how about…Miss Crusader of Equestria?” one coordinator suggested.

“Eh. The CMCs may file a copyright lawsuit.” Although the trio were only teenagers, Twilight didn’t put it past them. They had become shrewd salesponies in the business of helping young ponies find their cutie marks.

“I know,” Twilight had an idea. “How about…Miss Equestrian Champion? That has a nice ring to it. It suggests female strength and achievement, values that we wish to espouse.”

“I agree," another coordinator said.

“Me too," yet another said.

And so the title “Miss Equestrian Champion” was decided upon.

---

Meanwhile at Carousel Boutique, Rarity and her sister were having an argument.

“Sweetie Belle, I absolutely forbid you to enter that pageant!”

“It’s too late, I already entered. It’s not like I need your permission or anything. Anyway, why not?”

Rarity’s expression softened. “It's beneath you,” she said. “Sweetie, you are from a respectable background. The Miss Teen Equestria pageant is an exhibition of lewd and shameful debauchery that degrades fine fillies such as yourself.”

“Erm…translate, please?” Sweetie Belle asked genuinely.

Rarity sighed. “That pageant is full of perverts and turns innocent fillies into whores,” she said, her trained Mid-Atlantic accent fading.

“But it’s gonna be different this year. Twilight’s in charge, and she’s making a whole bunch of progressive reforms. See?” She showed her sister the newspaper feature.

“Well…I’m still not so sure, Sweetie.”

“If you forbid me, I’ll cook you breakfast for a WHOLE MONTH!”

Rarity frowned. She couldn’t stand the smell of liquid toast and burnt juice in her house. “Sweetie Belle, that’s blackmail!”

The younger pony smirked. “Is it working?”

Rarity grumbled. Which meant “yes.”

“All right then. You win, Sweetie. But I should like to have a conversation with Twilight as to the veracity of your claims regarding the reforms.” And so she left the boutique, leaving Sweetie Belle alone.

The door opened a few minutes later. “Crap, a customer! What do I do?” Sweetie Belle panicked.

The bell tinkled as the door opened. “Hey Sweetie Belle?”

She turned to face the chocolate-brown earth pony at the door. She couldn’t believe her eyes.

“Hey Sweetie Belle. Remember me?” he said.

She was taken aback at the question. “Remember? Of course I remember! Button Mash! It’s been so long!” They hugged.

“Well, I heard that you were gonna be in the pageant, Sweetie Belle. I thought I’d…stop by before then.” Button Mash had a crush on Sweetie Belle for a long time. And now he was a teenager, the desire had turned sexual. He had kissed Sweetie Belle’s photograph a million times. And done…other things…to it about a thousand times.

But no, he would not lose control. Neither would Sweetie Belle. They both came from respectable backgrounds. They would not let themselves succumb. That was far beneath them. They stood in silence and smiled at each other. They swayed a little. But that was it.

If they were going to date some time in the future, they were going to do it the proper way. Dinner, a movie, a walk in the park holding hooves. A gentle kiss under the moonlight.

But in reality, at that moment Button Mash wanted to have Sweetie Belle on the floor. So. Damn. Bad.

“See you later,” Button Mash said before he could make the mistake of making a pass at her.

“See you,” Sweetie Belle said back. Button left before Rarity returned from meeting with Twilight.

---

Twilight’s reforms seemed to have payed off. Ponies, yaks, dragons, hippogriffs, griffons, even changelings were all well represented in the pageant entries. Each contestant went up to the stage in their full pageant costume. They had to state their name, their favorite subject in school, and one adversity they had overcome in their lives.

Rumble entered the pageant dressed as a filly as part of a dare (he actually pulled it off quite nicely, with his filly-shaped snout) and gave a truly touching story about how he realized cutie marks didn’t seal one’s fate. Ocellus’s story about discovering what is truly “her own” as a changeling was truly inspirational. Scootaloo’s story about coming to terms with her inability to fly didn’t leave a dry eye in the house.

After all the contestants were judged, the awards ceremony began. Twilight went up to give a brief speech. “Everycreature,” she began, taking care to use neutral pronouns. “I would like to thank all the coordinators for supporting me and my reforms. I am proud that we have turned this pageant into one that empowers girls of the younger generation to become strong, courageous, and capable adults.”

The generally progressive-minded audience applauded and cheered. (The perverts always read the magazine rather than go watch it live at the venue. Or they watch the pageant live on their home projector screens, if they have one.)

“And now, everycreature, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The judges have spoken. And the winner of this year’s Miss Equestrian Champion pageant goes to…SWEETIE BELLE!”

The audience cheered. Rarity cheered the loudest at first, but it soon progressed into happy sobbing. “Oh, my little sister…” she said, trying to fix the trails of running mascara on her cheeks.

Sweetie Belle went up to the stage to receive her medal. “Sweetie Belle, as the Princess of Friendship, I hereby pronounce you this year’s Miss Equestrian Champion!”

---

The evening after the pageant, Button Mash visited Sweetie Belle in the dressing room backstage. Rarity and Twilight, like any curious adults, eavesdropped behind the drapes. “Aww, it’s so adorable,” Twilight whispered as she listened.

“Erm..great job on the Miss Equestrian Champion award, Sweetie,” Button Mash said, blushing furiously. “You looked gorgeous. And I loved your story about how you overcame vocal nodules in the 8^th grade.”

“Aww, thanks, Button Mash,” Sweetie Belle said, blushing lightly.

“Erm…so…Sweetie Belle…you want to go out with me sometime?” Button Mash asked, blushing even harder.

“Sure, I’d love that!”

Button’s eyes lit up. “Really? Whoa! Thanks Sweetie Belle! Wow! You’re such an amazing pony!”

“Well, they don’t call me Miss E.C. for nothing!” the new Miss Equestrian Champion boasted.

Silence.

Rarity had a look of horror on her face. Twilight facehoofed.

Well, this is my lucky day, Button Mash thought to himself as he salivated in delight.

Author's Note:

END. Thank for reading. Hope that worked out nicely. In case it wasn’t clear: Miss E.C. = Miss Equestrian Champion = Miss Easy. Yes I’m horrible.

Comments

[MyLittleBronyDude]

Rarity frowned. She couldn’t stand the smell of liquid toast and burnt juice in her house. “Sweetie Belle, that’s blackmail!”

That sounds like when I try to cook.

[Beau_Dodson]

As of the writing of this comment, you spelled "pageant" correctly in the title, but misspelled it in the description.

[Mica]

9704136
Yikes! Thanks for letting me know. I have disappointed the princess...

[Beau_Dodson]

9704140
No prob, lol.

[FanOfMostEverything]

Rarity sighed. “That pageant is full of perverts and turns innocent fillies into whores,” she said, her trained Mid-Atlantic accent fading.

Her natural, Whinnesotan one replaced it, to the shock and horror of any eavesdroppers.

A shame that the contest wouldn't send the right message if it were Miss Equestrian Zealot...

Quite entertaining. Best of luck in the judging.

[Fic Demander]

I see no sex and I see no profanity. Also, that unnecessary trap Rumble pun (in my headcanon his snout will turn to proper shape in his teenage years), and... SweetieMash.

Downvoted.

[Blackraven]

lol

[PresentPerfect]

I mean...

Then it should have been "Miss E. Z.", right? c.c

[Mordezerstoren]

...I don't get it.