Chapter 20 - Heroism is magic
The device opened up and gave everyone their magic back in a magical explosion that would make Micheal Bay green with envy. Sanies was then sent flying onto his back. When he came to, he was face-to-face with a very angry draconequus with a tight grip around his neck and a fist aimed at his head. While his plans have been foiled by small details he couldn't have foreseen, Sanies just smiled at Discord.
"By all means, go ahead. But I doubt your friend would appreciate it"
Discord then looked at Fluttershy, his expression changing into....kind of a sad one, like he no longer wanted to do this. Then he looked back to Sanies and just chucked him to the the princesses' hooves. The princesses just gave Sanies a stern expression. Sanies smiled at the princesses.
"I suppose I will be going back to Tartarus then. Sure you may have won this battle, but keep in mind that I was this close to winning" he then gave a menacing look towards Celestia specifically "Just like how I was last time. So throw me into Tartarus, banish me to the moon, heck, even turn me into stone as karmic retribution for my many crimes. But, as you saw for yourself, I will be back. And we can start this whole thing all over aga...."
But before he can finish his sentence, an Obsidian Orb was thrown in his direction. While his mouth was now stuck in a half-open smile, his eyes gave a look of shock and then a look at where the Orb came from. It was Stormy.
"Yeah, let's go with that last option because you talk too much"
Celestia went to thank Stormy, but considering how many times Stormy has changed his name for the sake of a rebrand, she doesn't know what to call him.
"Call me......CAPTIAN GOODKINGTM!!!!!!!!"
If it weren't for the fact that he was petrified, Sanies would be rolling his eyes at that. Did he honestly just trademark his name? Oh well, at least being turned into stone can give him time to think. Stormy then picked up the statue of Sanies, with some help from his new friends, and asked Celestia where the directions to Tartarus is, you know, just in case Sanies finds a way to escape his stony predicament.
As they make their way to Tartarus, Stormy accidentally tripped on the stairs there, causing him (and everyone else) to drop Sanies down the flight of stairs along with Stormy. When Stormy reached the bottom, he was staring at one of Sanies' petrified eyes, which creeped him out a little bit. And then there's the fact that the statue was now in dozens of pieces as a result of the fall.
"Well, I don't think he's gonna be escaping from Tartarus any time soon"
As one would expect from this kind of situation (that, and we're nearly at the end of the story) everyone laughed.
THE END
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- Leondude · 38k words · 22 4 · 440 views
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9401284
1d4chan.org/images/thumb/3/3e/Just_as_planned.jpg/300px-Just_as_planned.jpg
Here's to 100 views (pops cork)
(one bottle later)
Well, you asked for a review of this story, so here we go. Please bear in mind that I am not a critic or an editor, but I'll try to be helpful, none the less.
I realize that this story is labeled "Random", which gave me fair warning, but there are a few things that you seriously need to fix.
First, please, oh, please end your sentences with periods. It's jarring seeing question and exclamation marks but no periods.
Second, check your grammar. I'm seeing words like "are", when they should be "were" or "can't" when "couldn't" is grammatically correct.
Third, tossing in sound effects like BAM! and POW! doesn't work. It's annoying.
Fourth, using terms like BTW is too jarring for me. That sort of thing might be fine for a message board, but not for a story.
In chapter three, Discord speaks to the narrator, but the presentation of this is so jumbled and confusing, that I had to reread the chapter in order to pin down exactly when this happened. Again, I know the "Random" label provides fair warning for wackiness, but presentation is everything. It's never a sin to be comprehensible.
I've noticed that the read count of the chapters dips a few digits as the story progresses. Using jokes like Eye-dea (idea) doesn't help that problem. Neither does making Jim Carrey references. (Using movie-themed references is always a risky business. If you overdo that sort of thing, you quickly irritate your readers.)
The overall idea of a former bad guy fighting an even bigger bastard is an interesting one. But the story, with the fudged punctuation, sentence structure and grammar, the sound effects, some of the jokes and a mad dash to get to the story's end do more harm than good.
I can understand why you wrote this, but I can't shake the feeling that you wanted to shoot these chapters out like bullets in order to entertain your audience and finish the story. Next time, take a deep breath and take your time with your work. Make sure the jokes work. Get a spell-checker program. Fix your paragraph and sentence structures. Make sure that the present, past and future tenses of the words are in the right places. Random story or no, you need to make sure your material doesn't bounce around like a tennis ball in a tumble dryer.
If you do these things, your view read numbers will probably spike.
Keep practicing. Keep writing.
Stay cool.
9444813
Thanks man, really appreciate the feedback!
Though, to be fair, I kinda added the Jim Carrey references in there because I felt it would be weird to have "A series of unfortunate events" in the title and not make references to elements from the books, film and Netflix series. Ironically, my narrating style could be interpreted as a MASSIVE reference to A series of unfortunate events in of itself (courtesy of the Lemony Narrator trope).
Well, since I am currently writing a sequel, I guess I better keep these things in mind: Better grammar (might need an editor for that one), less sound effects, lose the slang and acronyms (though I'm still keeping an informal way of writing because that's how I write), don't make bad puns (unless a character is known for doing so or the other characters boo that character) and, most importantly, don't bomb the audience with chapters.
As I said, thanks for the constructive feedback. It's always important to learn from your mistakes, especially when writing a sequel (otherwise we will be having another Micheal Bay Transformer's on our hands).
PS: I know this is annoyingly irrelevant but did you find the reference in Chapter 13?
9445284
I'm afraid I didn't catch the reference. Sorry. I'm glad that I was able to help you with my feedback.
I will be giving my review soon.
9446669
No problem. Since that it was from Batman Forever, which was very divisive to say the least, I don't think anyone's gonna get the reference.
More specifically, when Starlight found out Sanies is possessing Trixie's body, she slams him into the wall asking what he has done with her friend, to which Sanies responds with "has anybody ever told you you have a serious impulse control problem?", which is what the Riddler (played by Jim Carrey) said to Two-Face when Two-Face fired a gun during the middle of their conversation. Really, I think the only thing people agree on regarding that movie was Jim Carrey's performance as the Riddler was the best part. Besides, better than Batman and Robin, that's for sure!
9446945
Sweet, let me know when you're done!
A review for A series of unfortunate events that leads to another redeemed villain, yay!.
I don't really review stories all that much, but I was asked to review this one, so here we go.
First of all, the story idea is a good one: a reformed villain takes on another villain and saves the day. I've always liked stories like that as they can be written very well (as with just about any story idea, tbh). Discord and Luna work together to put the Storm King back together and offer him a chance to reform from his evil ways, as seen in My Little Pony the Movie. After the first couple of chapters, well, the story rapidly falls apart and becomes something that goes to plaid.
What I did like about the story was the author was not afraid to write what he wanted and how he wanted, which was also a problem. It's good to write the way you want to write, but any writer needs to know in order to hold the audience, you have to give them a reason to keep reading. Major issues involved pacing, sentence structure, and jarring fourth wall breaking. There were also the numerous movie references which were none too subtle and took away from the story itself. Stick to the story and if movie references are called for, keep them embedded in the story to keep the flow as smooth as possible.
The pacing was a problem. There was not much buildup and little was done to establish scenes. The author just jumped straight to the action, which is fine, but can leave readers confused to what is happening. You don't serve a meal without setting the table. The story is basically anunfleshed skeleton on strings that are tangled up with each other. However, this is fixable as each chapter can be rewritten to give more of a visual setting without taking away from what is going on. Eliminate the confusion.
The Fourth Wall stuff is fine and dandy if you can pull it off a la Deadpool. That is something that can be pulled off. The attempts in this story are a bit clumsy and take away from the story instead of enhancing it. With practice, this can also become a fun tool to play with when engaging readers.
In the end, this is a bad story. That being said, it also has promise. I like the premise, but the writing itself needs work. This story needs to be fleshed out. Explain why the story transitions from one version of Equestria to another. It's fine to be vague, but be sure to fill in the audience as the story progresses why a certain time or place is suddenly inserted into a story. The motives of the antagonist are vague and confusing beyond doing bad for the sake of being bad. What's his motive? Why is he evil?
(This is part of the reason why the MLP movie was bad...very little detail was given to the Storm King beyond just wanting power for the sake of having power. The story was horribly written and poorly executed, with the writers banking on parents taking their kids to see ponies on the big screen doing pony things.)
Writing is an art. It takes time to develop a personal style. That style will constantly be evolving as a writer continues to write. Don't stop writing. Keep at it! There were some things I liked in the story. How you managed the Storm King's character was not at all bad. But don't do things like skip big fight scenes and pass it off as something the reader should have seen. That's lazy writing. Don't be lazy. I've done the lazy and I've been blasted for it.
On a scale of 1-10, 1 being Bad and 10 being Good, I'll give this story a 4. It needs a lot of TLC, but can be fixed. I am being critical because there is promise here. I think laziness was what kept this story from being something much, much better. Don't rush the chapters. Make them a little bit longer. At least a thousand words for each one. If you don't have an editor, get one. They can help keep you on course with your story ideas and executions.
Good luck and keep pushing yourself to be a better writer!
9448122
Thank you for your review and let me just say I will most certainly be taking your and Eskerata's criticisms to heart when it comes to writing the sequel. Now all I need to do is wait for an editor to be interested in helping me.
BTW, regarding the motives for the main antagonist, that's the whole point. I wouldn't really call Lord Sanies an agent of chaos as he's more akin to an agent of destruction. Thing is, destroying Equestria is not as easy as he looks so he needs to make lots of plans and contingencies so that way, he can easily destroy Equestria. Naturally, having loads and loads of plans can make his motives a little confusing but then again, if his enemies found out what his end goal was, they would easily stop him.
PS: Regarding the MLP movie, 1. I'm honestly surprised that there's someone on this site that didn't like it. 2. It ain't just parents taking their kids to see ponies on the big screen doing pony things, but adults without children who are MASSIVE fans of the show buying tickets (or DVDs if they couldn't afford tickets or can't be bothered to leave the house except for shopping for food items) to see their favourite ponies doing their thing.
PPS: I'd ask if you got the reference in Chapter 13, but 1. Such a question is annoyingly irrelevant, and 2. I already told Eskerata what the reference was.
Hi there, my name is CaptainPinkiePie and I made this trope page just for you:
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Fanfic/TheCaptainGoodkingSaga
9677784
I was just about to check to see if the series had its own TvTropes page yet. Thanks!
I could keep checking to see if others have gotten their own TvTropes pages but I believe you got it covered.
9677814
My pleasure. And you're right, I do have it covered (though I only do completed stories).
Also, guess who just effort posted the main baddy of this fic and had him approved as a Complete Monster today!
Although you will have to wait until at least Sunday to see him on the Fan Works page.
9679507
Cheers! I was aiming for Sanies to be an example of that trope anyway. Although I was also hoping for him to be a Magnificent Bastard as well. After all, what could be a greater threat to our heroes than someone who has no morals or intention of seeking redemption but can play everyone around him like fiddles while learning from his errors and doing so with style?
9679512
Uh...I don't think Sanies would count as a Magnificent Bastard. While he's got the charm and the thinking on his feet down, I'm afraid he's too much of a bastard. I mean, he's sadistic, he's a bit overconfident in his abilities, and, in Captain Goodking and the Nightmare Knights, at no point did Sacanas tell Sanies to torture the protagonists while he has them trapped in a dream world based on their greatest desires. Sanies simply did that because he had time to kill while waiting for the moon to crush Equestria.
That said, I do see potential in Sacanas and I shall keep an eye on Kronos to see if he counts as a Complete Monster or Magnificent Bastard (or both if we're lucky).
9679522
Heh, never would have pegged Sacanas for a Magnificent Bastard. I always thought he was a bit too crazy. But then again, he's a better planner than Sanies, his energetic demeanour does give him an odd sense of charm. And, while he does lose his temper, I suppose he can snap back to his jolly old self just as quickly.
Guess who:
https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/YMMV/TheCaptainGoodkingSaga
9697233
Sacanas... you magnificent bastard, I READ YOUR BOOK!
9697233
Oh Captain, my captain. The trope page needs a little updating.
9724638
Which one? Ah, forget it, I'll do it all!
No wait, PM which one first. And the reason I say PM is because I don't want to use up stuff on the comments (if that makes any sense).
However, I will not do YMMV pages unless it's my opinion so don't make me do your opinion in a YMMV page.