Ash, a recently deceased man, wakes up in a strange realm with a strange figure claiming to be 'God' nearby. He soon finds himself offered a chance at a new life under one condition; join the game and play by the rules.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I would like to see Luna and Ash's relationship grow especially with Luna's week off
Keep up the good work with this story. I Find myself wondering if the race was rigged. Celestia's “You better make sure that you spend it with Ash.” makes me think this result was gifted to Luna
9324886
No, it wasn't rigged. Luna really did win. Celestia just decided to get a good sport and not get upset at losing. Nice idea, though.
I will go though and point out all the errors in the morning assuming no one beats me to it.
If you need a pre-reader to help catch errors just ask, there are likely a few ghosting in the comment section
9325649
I see, well, let me drop a bunch of errors I caught while reading, then.
Also, whoops, this comment ended up huge, sorry :(
I wish FimFiction allowed using the HTML <details> element, it would really reduce the wasted space.
Summary
A bit of a tense mismatch, I think "is dying" -> "dies" works.
-> "it's different from what he imagined it would be", or rewording completely: "it greatly differs from what he thought it would be".
Prologue
In order to avoid what feels like useless repetition I'd reword it as something like:
"he pulled out another tissue from an already half-empty box".
Whether this was actually an issue is matter of opinion, I understand if you leave it as is, it's a minor issue.
Both the 'which' and the 'it' are ambiguous, of course he didn't drop his hand into the trashcan, nor used the box to clean his hand, so I'd split it into two sentences:
"[...], pulled out another tissue from an already half-empty box. He used it to clean his hand, before dropping the bloodied tissue into a trashcan to his left."
Note that the 'it' is now much more obvious. In the previous sentence he pulled out the tissue, so it became the default object of the sentence, and since the sentence was finished, the box he pulled it from became irrelevant, so the tissue is the only object that 'it' can refer to.
Also, note that right after removing repetition from the previous sentence, I introduced it again in this one. I believe this is fine. Trying to avoid repetition for the sake of it would make the sentence way more awkward. We introduced the object "his hand" into the sentence, so now we need to differentiate between "the tissue" and "his hand".
Continuing on,
It sounds like the sunlight is feeding the sick... This needs to be reworded a bit:
"allowing sunlight to stream into the room, though there were no plants for it to shine on, only the sick."
'promise' doesn't seem like the right word here, I'd reword it as:
"[...], nor could he know whether or not he would still be here in a month."
Wow, that was all one paragraph, let me exit "hyper-corrective" mode.
"though he did not know what.", or "though he did not know exactly what."
A TV doesn't itself perform the 'flickering of images', the images flicker across the TV. As in, the images are the subject of the sentence, and the TV is the object.
"Images flickered across a small TV, though he didn't pay them any mind."
When we changed the last sentence, 'it' changed. 'near' is a typo, should be 'nearly'.
"The TV was nearly muted, ..."
I assume this is a quote from something, so I have no idea how to fix it, but "All's" is definitely wrong.
This should be "Time and Place".
"... senses suddenly returned."
"... too thick to see through,"
Strange Place to Wake Up
"I" -> "you".
"The Princesses took me aside to learn more about me and figure out whether or not I am hostile."
"considering"
A bathroom is not a guest room, but I understand what you meant.
"The guest room was in fact several rooms, as he saw ..."
Magic
Something is fishy in this sentence, it's most certainly wrong, this is the best fix I can come up with (but I'm not happy with it).
"These will require lots of directed magic, willpower, and true understanding."
"requires" -> "require".
"It is important not to attempt to cast spells that are too advanced for you!"
"walk" -> "trip"
"Everypony sees so much of it in just about every room and hallway of this castle." (referring to the open space).
"done"
Explaining the Dawn Era
That's a triple negative, which means she DID in fact forget about it.
"... had not forgotten about."
"Considering you’ve been using Telekinesis with ease to do something as simple as eating, I’m going to assume your magic works completely differently from mine. Telekinesis is a moderately difficult spell that’s Magicka intensive, so most only use it for important things."
Note: "something important", means one important thing ("some important thing"). Unless there is only one "thing" where mages use telekinesis, you want to use a plural here.
and "every species on Terra gather" - either:
"every species on Terra gathers", or
"all species on Terra gather".
"us" -> "them", since we're talking about "every/all species" (and had to use "their" before).
Alternatively, "from the air and land that surround us all."
"though how I regain it, and where I gather it from differs from what your kind does."
"came from."
"seeing this, birthed his own soul".
"along" -> "alone"
Magic, Part II
Yaay, no typos. At least none that I caught.
Magic, Part III
"their"
"ball of fire" or "wall of fire"?
Plurals: "there are also ..."
"live" vs "sent" is a tense mismatch, use "send", as sending letters to Celestia is a regular activity/habit.
Also, sometimes "dragonfire" is one word, but not always. Choose one, and stay consistent.
Dinner
"too much".
"get there."
Dreams
"of people".
"and is in a different location ..."
The Second Morning
"was the sound ..."
"had to leave."
"you're on the menu."
"understand" -> "understanding".
Equilibrium
Yay, no issues again.
Awakening
"came up with".
"casted" is always wrong, the past tense is "cast".
"The next thing I know, I woke up here."
"from opening ... to unmaking the world."
"in public" is not a location that you could "be in the middle of". You are either in public or not.
The Race
"were his shoes".
"run" and "catch up to", respectively.
Whew, that was a lot of stuff to go through (wow, this comment is 1600 words!), I'm sure I haven't caught everything, but this is a decent first pass I think.
Awesome story so far, by the way :)
9326090
*Looks down at paper, Throws it out the window* Yeah okay, Pretty much what I had already written up
9326090
First of all, HOLY SHIT that's detailed. Thank you so much for the help! I've gone through and fixed the errors you pointed out, with an exception.
The quote containing ' All's ' was left the same because I is a quote, specifically from Star Eater. It is incorrect, which I knew, but I left it so it would be the same from the story.
I've added your contribution to the description as a was of thanks for such an amazingly details work. Thanks once again!
Okay, this made me laugh. I get mental pictures and It's funny. well done.
9326309
Ikr?!
This is a great story. However, I do see some flaws with it, aside from typos. The build up is just a tad, and I do mean a tad too slow. Furthermore, there's no action, or at least not much. Now, I'm not talking about fights, no, not physical ones at least, but instead something as simple as a more dire circumstance. Even something so simple as a "plot" by Luna or Celestia to prank Ash, or even the castle staff trying to figure out more about the man. In essence, I'm trying to say that this story, at least so far, seems to be mostly fluff. Which isn't bad. It's unique, and I like that immensely. But it's also a downside, because it can cause some readers, like myself, to not be on the edge of my seat every three or four chapters, as I'd recommend every story try to do. Heck, I've been reading this for a few hours, so you've done something right obviously, but it doesn't keep me up like some others stories always do.
Anyways, point is, great story, just keep things like that in mind. Have a good one!
9326309
"Yes, they do. We call them Traction Cities... and they eat other Cities for resources!"
I mean, humans CAN run the entire length of a marathon, but the reason it's so famous is because the guy that did it literally died from exhaustion.
Discord obviously.
9421447
Or an RV a Mobliehome used to travle.