- Member Since 23rd Jun, 2012
- offline last seen Jun 1st, 2015
OJ Orbit
I just love to read and write pony fan fiction, nothing much else to be said.
OJ Orbit
Joined 23rd Jun, 2012 ·
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- FanofAwesomeness · 4.8k words · 5 9 · 182 views
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I'll read this later
Hmm...
>lone soldier saving a entire nation
>Armanii Sve
>Sve
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ldpv4ykCUj1qafrh6.jpg
2026399
i dont know if that name is well known or something. it was just the first thing that popped into my head. so if It copies anything, apologies
Holy shit
Ok let's do this dissssoooooooooooooord.
So many dislikes...what exactly is wrong with it?
2062973 Well when I first read it the Talomanzans seemed too much like Russians. So those dislikes are probably from Russian Bronies who are offended by your story in some way.
2544276
Good point, The Talomanzans are taken somewhat from a futuristic Soviet Union. So that might be it.
2544373 although I'm partially russian and I have no problem with it.
2545068
Well, good. I'm hoping this doesn't offend anyone, I really enjoy writing it but it gets so many dislikes. Though my editor recently had problems with his computer so I've been kinda forced to put them up anyway.
2545229 I get what you mean, my editor is on vacation and I have to upload my chapters as is.
2546714
Yeah, its always good to hear a second opinion.
2025813
The first of FIMfiction,
Can people just stop that stupid crap please.
Okay, I found an initial problem, if they are 1000 years ahead, they can't be stopped, they are invincible, they are a gary stu, and that sticks in the readers mind, you over powered a nation, so why bother reading? I will look more at it later, I got other things I need to do, but that is the most prominent thing so far. After that, it is generally just hard to read, you give some information, but you either give too much (going for vague and to be explained) or too little (trying to give a clear back story). There is very little to keep a reader interested, I will read a little more later when I have the time, but for now, this is what I have seen.
2562659
Thank you very much. I'll make sure to make some changes to the introduction. Unfortunately, I can't change the fact that they are futuristic and overpowered, the whole story is about trying to beat them. I'll tell you now, the story doesn't get that interesting till "Ponyville Falls" since most of it is leading up to the actual invasion. But I'll look at "Introduction" and take out some unneeded parts and trim it down a bit. Thanks for the feedback!
I'mma kinda repeat what Higherbeach down there said.
The nation is waaaaaay too OP. It immediately gives off that "this is my fantasy best-nation-ever story." That's a real turn off. Having that as narration dialog made it very bland. Now, there was some potential in it. For example, instead of the things you listed off in that beginning blurb of information being given to us by the narrator (who in the 3rd person is viewed as a sort of god-like information hub who's info is infallible) the same information could have been given to us in a propaganda ad. This would have given the reader a vibe for what the nation was like, but would have allowed us to be a lot more flexible in our interpretation of the world you're presenting us.
Also, another issue I'm finding is your lack of (I forget the correct term) expressive dialog. For example, this little blurb:
Could have been used to flesh out the character Galog, and made him memorable instead of 'just that guy'. Using descriptive expressive dialog helps the reader get a feel for what the character is like. It also helps us readers remember who's line it is. Let me show you:
“I find the American entertainment vulgar and offensive to my way of life," Galog remarked sarcastically, smiling widely as he leaned back into his chair.
“I find the American entertainment vulgar and offensive to my way of life," Galog spat, eyeballing Armanii for even suggesting that America had anything over their great nation.
“I find the American entertainment vulgar and offensive to my way of life," Galog remarked casually, clearly not interested in the topic.
This adds character and creates a tone and mode for your story that you can't fill with narration alone. It should be used often and creatively.
With Spiteful Love,
Zong the Nefarious.
Well, I honestly had to read this chapter twice before I fully understood what happened. It also leads me to a conundrum, do you really understand what a 1000 year head start on technology does? To put it simply, which would win a war in the year 1000, an iron sword, or the assault rifle? I STRONGLY suggest lowering that number. As for this, if a war was planned, why even mask diplomacy? I can see some reasons why (chairman wanted peace, but the master general wanted war), but they aren't exactly supported since it seems that Talomanza goes to war often. Then the question arrives of why the sergeant. Also, who is the chairman's daughter that was mentioned once (details can be important). Also, if they have the ability to neutralize magic, how can they be stopped? Without magic against a bullet the ponies can't win a war. So far, I have a lot of questions, but little desire to find out any real answers because I think important in formation is not provided. (You made the nation of Talomanza so far seem invincible, the only nation in reality to do that were the Mongols, and you can kill them. This makes it seem like a Gary Stu, strengths are fine so long as you don't go too far in the realms of impossibility early on, but so far it seems to me that Galog could take all of Equestria by himself, and that would defeat the purpose of this story.
Now onto stuff you do right, your characters react believably to their environment, this is good. You have made characters whose personalities are established, no need to really work there. The only time this seems to fail is that Celestia puts her ponies first, why would she bar diplomatic relations for personal time? It just seems a little out of character (This is fine if you explain it later, but I just read the first two chapters so far). Another thing is that you did give us an idea of what is going on, and I like that, I now understand that Talomanza is basically Nazi Germany in that they go around picking fights to further their own beliefs and policies.
Overall, your problem is details, and pacing. From what I can tell, from the meeting of Octavia to the declaration of war took less then an hour, details would make that feel like a more realistic time frame (several hours). Give details of places you are at, tell us a little about the walk to the castle, tell us about Galog getting irritated that it is taking so long. At this point I strongly suggest getting a proofreader from the proofreader group if you can, they can probably help you with this more then I can. Now, a fast pace can work, but brakes will prevent it from crashing (as has happened to me).
I hope this helps a bit, I will look at this over the next few days and let you know what I think.
2564889 2564843
So my big problem is details, and it seems to be massive. I'll make a lot of edits to see where the story crashes. Many more details need to be added. And how do you suppose I go about explaining the intro sequence with Propaganda? I'm a little confused.
2564889
Also, when did I mention the chairmans daughter? I dont recall putting her in the story. As I recall it was his sister, but I may be wrong.
2566487 Yeah, I looked back and I mixed up my words, I apologize for that (my mistake). I will look at the third chapter now.
2566516
I just finished editing it, its a very short chapter, and it kinda goes barely anywhere
Interesting concept for a chapter, if a little cliche way to show military strength, but I will look past that as it works well. The problem here is now we have a nation without depth. They really seem like Nazi Germany that wore Potara Earrings with the Soviet Union (I mostly hear the Talomanza speak in Russian accents personally). However they had reasons for their actions. The SU wanted a world where everyone had work and there was plenty of stuff for everyone. Hitler wanted to strengthen Germany at the cost of his enemies. If Talomanza is as well off as they seem, what is their reason for doing this. If they are so advanced and so powerful, why bother with other dimensions before they conquer their own? That has been the biggest issue that I can see so far. It just seems that Talomanza is insane, and you don't want to start off with an insane enemy. It is probably far too late to make any drastic changes, but if you are going out of your way to start a war with someone, you should have a good reason. Even the crusades have had more pretense then this, and that was basically a war over Muhammad since he is the major difference between Christianity and Muslam.
You also spend a lot of time in this chapter saying that the enemy will cheat, I am fairly sure Princess Celestia would have known of the adage 'All is fair in love and war.' She should expect her opponents to cheat. We stopped playing fair the moment life started. Every military that tried to fight fairly has been destroyed by enemies of similar strength because fair doesn't matter when you can use tactics. She might not know what all the tactics are, but she should at least expect that much.
Also, at one time you use the word 'Princes' instead of Princess. There are some grammar mistakes throughout the story so far, but they start becoming noticeable here. I will get to the next chapter eventually, but this is what I got so far.
2566787
I dont feel the war reason is supposed to be said right here, considering that they are war hungry. They just want a place to conquer with no fight whatsoever. Also, in my own opinion, Celestia comes from a very peaceful place, where many things are played fairly and by rules. Which is why she would be surprised when they cheat. Equestria is made out to be this lovely place, so wouldn't they play by rules?
Also, I'll go back through the chapter and fix those spelling errors. Can't believe I missed those.
Going to be honest here, this just felt bland compared to what we have recently had, but it was necessary, this chapter, when taken as part of the story, is a necessity. There was a spelling mistake (you used ever when you did not mean to use ever, even seems to work better, it is near the end). Overall, this chapter isn't that bad when taken as a necessity, it sets up the character, gives him interactions that seem real, and introduces us to a tid bit of Sve's past. The only thing that could be expanded upon is the dynamic between Sve and the other elements in the train ride to Ponyville, it may have made it less bland. The only thing that seemed off was Sve seemed a little, less serious then I was led to believe he would be considering he gets to plan to fight an unstoppable force with basically thin air. I will look at more later, and as for your reply (which this website doesn't alert me to very often) Celestia I will give you a pass for that (it is understandable, just my head canon) but for the 'war mongerer' angle, it rarely happens in real life, why throw away resources better spent elsewhere? Still would have made more sense for them to conquer Earth at the very least first, so maybe throw in an allusion to a trace of the psychological element that keeps humans from killing each other or something to make it more believable that they would go straight for another dimension before their planet. More of a personal thing, but that may have caused a few dislikes. I'll try and do another chapter later.
2572285
Okay, I 'll check that out. Thanks for the input
Okay, your first full action chapter was somewhat well done. First, let me get a logistics thing out of the way. Plasma, being the fourth state of matter, would not be able to be forced into bolt form. If you have the tech to do that, you don't need the plasma weapon. So maybe replace plasma 'bullet' with plasma 'bolt'. Now, onto the problems and good points. Early on you said only Talomanza weapons can damage Talomanza armor, but here you have Armanii basically brute force his way through it. This makes no sense since, although it is a plasma rifle, it insinuates that he could have easily punched the armor for the same effect. One thing that is unclear however, is why Armanii failed to kill some of the soldiers, and why the commander would charge the enemy. One of the biggest things in combat is to not lose the CO of a particular area of a battlefield. His charge makes very little sense. Almost as much sense that the trained soldier Armanii would miss so much against grunts, and then prove he will kill on the commander. Is Armanii a bad shot or something? (The Armanii portion of this is small, but to me it is a pretty big question)
Now, you did some things in this chapter that did really well. One was that you gave a little more characterization to the ponies, another is that you gave a translation only when it was necessary. The scene with Applebloom getting shot was something I was not expecting, but that I knew was possible, so kudos to that. Also, Spike said 'Someone is about to die' when he would probably be saying 'somepony'.
Overall though, this chapter was not that bad compared to the opening. So I decided to check how your like to dislike ratio has changed overtime, so far it seems that the discrepancy happened early on, where there were pretty big problems that you are now committed to (but can still fix). Another thing might be the content of the story itself. You are bringing a war to Equestria for dubious reasons that don't end up doing much in the real world. I still feel like Talomanza should have a better reason for going to Equestria then pure bloodlust and war fever. So the biggest issue that remains, is the entire reason you have a story. It just seems to be quite off and is the main flaw of this entire work. Either there is too much information given (going for mysterious reasons to be found out later) or too little (an actual reason to go to war that actually works). I understand the overpowered nature of the nation can't be changed, but such strength pretty much means going Rambo won't work. How was Armanii able to get around the strength of such a military? He was using a pistol (albeit a plasma pistol) against people with rifles, that only works out in video games. One of the biggest ways to make a story popular, is to make it possible, and this does not seem very possible to me. It does get better as you go through, but the weak start hurts a lot. I'll read more later, but this is what I got so far.
2576793
Thanks for the input. I'm going to go through the entire story and replace bullets with bolts, i agree, that makes a lot more sense. I've altered the scene with Armanii and the brute force of the gun. I've added in that he wasn't a very good shot. And I'll try and explain in the story the exact reason they started the war, if not just for warmongering and bloodlust.
not killing them, he never was a great shot...
I suggest changing that part to: not killing them. He was never a great shot...
You also used the word bullets after that.
Finally, where did he get the chainsaw from? (part of the gun, something the commander had on him to get into doors, please do expand on that at least a tad)
2578456
Thanks. Didnt noticed those. Fixed now.
Finally, a reason for the war! I give this one as a pretty good chapter, and the Applebloom thing, that was pretty well done, dark as hell, but well done. Overall, this chapter does very well, though I would think that someone like the Master General, being as cheating as they are, would have done more to capture the princess. I understand that he sees his victory as won, but he had the opportunity to capture his enemy. Other then that (which is very forgivable) I actually like the way you handled this chapter. It was information, and although the scenes from between arriving at the train station till Celestia went on the meeting seemed a little bland, this was probably the best chapter yet. I personally don't like the story (personal reasons since your story is FINALLY going into the realm of realism), but you did a lot of things right here. My biggest issue is that Celestia says 'We are doomed...'. I don't see Celestia as giving up. Heck, Twilight didn't give up when Celestia was defeated by NMM or QC, so it doesn't entirely make sense that she is simply throwing in the towel. Even I can see a few outs at this point, but this leads to the biggest problem you can have.
Do you think that people from 900 ad would understand the atom bomb? They wouldn't. They might understand explosions, but they wouldn't understand why and therefore, wouldn't be able to replicate it. Today, we have the technology to understand how a laser rifle may work, but plasma would be a VERY long shot by today's standards. From what we have seen of Equestria, perhaps the most advanced thing they have are laser trip wires. That means they have some tech up to our current days. The odds of Those scientists understanding either the weapon, or the armor, is null. Yet it seems like you are about to make Equestria suddenly gain this tech. If I see that happen, I will simply stop, because that is too unrealistic and it doesn't fit the Spielberg law. the Spielberg law is: 'If you can hold their attention for two hours, you can make them believe just about anything for ten minutes'. The ONLY thing they could probably glean is how to design better armor, but if they at all replicate anything the Talomanza have, I won't be captured enough to read it. At that point your story is too solidified to be saved without major reworking. So far, things are improbable, not impossible. So while this is the best chapter so far, it also leads to what may be the worst thing in this story. I hope you tread lightly, this might get ugly.
2581808
The plan wasn't to have them learn to create the weaponry, but the concern is noted.
I gave my warning last chapter, but now I get to see it come to fruition. The 'Independence Day fallacy' (It seems they made Magna-nades) has come to the work. This is perhaps the biggest issue I have ever seen. I actually had a friend look over to this point as well and he agreed, this, does, not, happen. I believe the quote I thought of is something like, "Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." And in your story, the Talomanza destroy Celestia's magic like it is nothing, but mention none of it for Discord's magic. You had a lot of good points, but also holes the size of the sun. Once again, back to the tech difference. Equestria has steam engines, and laser trip wires, why would the Talomanza take their time? They could take over the country in one good push. They seem to have completely fulfilled all but one portion of 'Sun Tzu's The Art of War.' That portion is to use your advantages. They have them all, why not go for the win while they have the chance? There is no reason for it. There are plenty of good elements, a strong nation seeks conquest for land and workers, but the bad out strips it. You make an unstoppable force REPLICATABLE. This means that, should we receive, say, the TARDIS from the doctor, we would be able to replicate it right now.
This brings me to my next point. You have good ideas for how future tech would be like, but a lot goes beyond the realm of possibilities as well. A human arm regenerating in minutes? It takes months for us to grow REAL artificial tissues. Also, some injuries are better left unhealed. If your spinal column gets damaged and you lose control of your right leg, your body WON'T repair it. The connections are basically random and would actually make surviving HARDER. So that is a tech flaw. Plasma weapons, that is somewhat possible, though laser tech would be faster and more accurate, therefore more likely to be used by grunts who would receive less specialized training. Another flaw is the time. How much time do you think it would take to understand the technology? It would take something like, 50-70 years. Then, if this is information from the future, the future has changed. Why would they stay at this level for another thousand years? They would be at such a high tech level comparatively, that should they continue the cycle, eventually, they will be MILLIONS of years ahead, and paradoxes would be everywhere. The world would literally tear itself apart from beings that have created such a paradox. In other words, this story goes too far into the realm of impossibility. I honestly don't know, realistically, how you can make this work with what you have right now. I am sorry, but to really save this, you would have to rewrite the story from the beginning with stuff that research supports. After all, as things are now, the Talomanza should be invincible. If you don't believe so, put a real life spartan, versus a b-52 bomber.
I do suggest trying to fix this though, as through most of my comments, you have the same, consistent flaws, all based upon inexperience. I suggest you get a pre-reader from 'The Proofreader Group' and try again. I have had to do this myself as my first work didn't pass 100 views until my third story got featured. You have something amazing here, it is just buried in inexperience. I do apologize if this sounds really antagonistic, just this story had a lot of potential thrown around, but utilized wrong. I say these things because you can do it, and I wish you luck in the future! (If you wish to discuss this post, do reply and we can talk it over)
2590363 i would certainly love to talk about the points you have, even though rewriting the story would eliminate me having fun with this. What i may do is take down the chapters and edit all of them, the republish them to see if more people like it. This is the story i've been working out on paper for 2 years, i just want to make it awesome and readable.
2590935 Alright then, I will say, you don't have to take down the current chapters (I suggest saving them and major suggestions such as my first critique) and work on rewriting them, and then when the time comes take down what you have and keep going. Now, you are basically going into the future with your tech, so maybe do a little research and, once again, lower the number on how far ahead the Talomanza are, and maybe do away with the whole time travel thing (physics say it is impossible, but travel to other dimensions is very possible). Maybe say they secluded themselves before the start of the dark ages and gained a steady technological advantage over time. Then recently, they began to run low on resources and labor thereby giving them a 'public' reason to invade, keeping the real reason as is. I know a bit about how tech in the world is evolving and enough about physics to say what may or may not be possible, so if you have any questions feel free to ask, this story can EASILY be saved, but sometimes, we have to give a little for the story to breath (and if the narrator has to translate something, instead put it after the words in parenthesis so that you cut out the random changes to the narrator).
An odd chapter. It starts out relatively weak, and does several, seemingly contradictory things. Discord is 'All Knowing'. Yet you show him getting caught by a simple net. I like what you did with the elements having no effect, but this once again proves a point that Discord should have know, that magic is useless against the soldiers. It just seems odd to throw in a spirit of chaos in such a way. The reason behind him joining and his behavior are solid though. I do like how you show Galog to be drunk with power, seems to fit him well, though you will have to develop his change in the future (also, might want to comment on how he has changed before this point, make it a point that he is not acting normally. As for the chapter in general, you did well. It got stuff done without throwing in too much random stuff. I'll read the next chapter when I can. (So long as you plan to fix what is wrong, I will continue on for now. And remember, sometimes being popular means having to not have too much fun. As a very late side note, grammar and spelling has so far been rather reliable, good job!)
2600373
I do plan on fixing the issues, I've just been rather busy as of late. So I'm waiting for results back on the other chapters so I know exactly what to fix.
Okay, first of all, I like the reference to Elder Scrolls. However, the problems that are biggest here, are consistency, and realism. The major consistency issue is something that made the Talomanza near invincible, the ability to regrow limbs on the battlefield. Last I checked, Armanii was a Talomanza soldier, unless you want to go in depth on how the regeneration works, make it something that has to be injected and then works for a certain amount of time, or make ti so that somethings can prevent it, you will have to pretty much get rid of it. This was the only consistency issue I have seen so far.
Realism issues: If Armanii's injuries are as bad as they seem, it wouldn't be a question of how long Armanii can walk, it would be a question of how is he really aware and capable of walking at all (awake is possible, but it would take a lot to make him even half of the way to speaking clearly. The plasma bolts being evadable was a nice touch, that is actually fairly realistic with the properties that would be necessary to make the bolts. Issue: There is a pony assassin. Now, even in the canon show, an assassin would not be impossible to think of, but you throw in something that not only is not explained, it sort of just hangs there, Poison Blade. Off of my memory, this is the only time that is mentioned. It is a proper noun, so it is not an object, it is not the name of the assassins as you state that a few times, it is not the assassins name as that is also stated, so who is it? The characters do not even wonder who it is (which is all that is needed here, though an explanation is desperately needed eventually). Finally, with Rainbow Dash, for some reason I keep seeing the blade that punctured her as somewhat long, long enough to pierce straight through her which would NOT allow her to pull off half the maneuvers she does. Also, why does he ask for Rainbow Dash's help? Unless she has the ability to break magic (which if our first assassin has anything to say about it she does not) then ANY unicorn or alicorn in the room would stop her easily enough. Final issue of the entire thing, The second assassin...
Story elements that can be improved: This is an optional thing, but you say there is a few hours between the first assassin failing, and the next assassin coming in, this seems fairly unlikely and could be pulled off better by saving it for a few chapters before they appear. The third assassin has the strange feeling Mass Effect three gave me for the assassin that tries to kill Shepard, which is a good thing. That assassin gave me the feeling that he was actually good at what he did, and besides the actual fight scenes, he was. So I hope this isn't wasted too soon. The best time would be when a lot of other stuff is going down, and I hope you will have a scene where the last thing that is expected, is an assassin. This brings me back to the point, the second assassin, my biggest issue is that they are a pony, but they basically, well... Like stealth is for running into a room yelling your plan out, followed by screaming "STEEEEAAAAALLLLLTH!". She is a pony, it would be EASY for her to enter the palace as a pony. So long as she is actually a pony (which I assume) then she could lie her way into a much better position to kill. Even the first assassin was good enough that he was near unfindable (which is why I still count it as believable). So the fact that he failed means stealth would be a much better option. This just throws me for a loop, she could have infiltrated the castle, played her part well, and when the opportunity arises kill. That is assassin 101, don't let the target know until you are about to kill them.
Don't think 'Assassin's Creed', think 'Hitman', getting in and out without ever being noticed is what a real assassin would do here, and from the way she does her stuff I have another question, how is she so good at fighting? A few months (from first contact to now) would not be enough to train these skills, so how has she not been trying to get her family back the way she knows how to (since she pretty much must have been an assassin for a while). There are a LOT of questions, with very few answers. I do, however, see the beginnings of a counter assault (so far, we got a plasma pistol, a plasma rifle out of nowhere (when did Armanii get that back btw, don't know if that was my oversight or yours), some magna-nades, and two assassins with a LOT of gold). This is finally not looking like a lost cause. Yeah, they lost Discord, but by know we know that magic will NOT work against the Talomanza (which probably should have been evident BEFORE Discord did anything).
Now then, you give VERY conficting ideas on what she is. First it seems she knows the 'Emerald Impaler' by sight, why? if she has never met him why would an assassin's face be well known? She also seems to have been a part of this organization for a little while, how? the portal has only been open a few months, how would she already be a trusted member of the organization, trusted enough to KILL THE PRINCESSES. This seems to be a major loophole in this and makes my head hurt (straight up answers aren't what I want, what I want is possibility, as in this could possibly happen).
Wow, spent more time on that one story element then anything else, anyway, it was an okay chapter once again, it has these flaws, but is otherwise the first chapter that seems to actually build towards beating the enemy. I will look at the next chapter soon, and also, still not getting told you are responding... wonder why?
2611423
I dont know why it's not saying im responding. That's weird. Also, to answer your question about the Plasma Rifle. Armanii got that when he killed the commander back in "Ponyville Falls" I'm almost positive I put that in, if it wasnt I apologize and I will fix that right away. The idea behind the assassins was that the Silver Assassin organization went into Equestria when the portal first opened, sending in their own assassins through their secret positions in the military. The Silver Assassins are rumored, hint rumored, to train top assassins in weeks with their training, and although it isn't said (which I should fix), Emerald Impaler has lied about not knowing about the pony assassin, Which is how he knows that she will be there. Also, on the fact that she recognizes him. He is a legend among Silver Assassins, He is one of the best in the world, and therefore is recognized by the entire clan. That should clear up the questions you had, and I'll work on adding the rest into the story
2611483 I mentioned the rifle because I am rather certain he gave that to the pony scientists, but I might be mistaken, hence why I was unsure, I honestly can't remember and it seems like something you would have. As for the rest, it makes sense, works for me! the only problem I have is that, if he is the best, how did he not know the princesses have magic? (seems like something he would have researched). Once again, I found this from refreshing the page, never received the information that you responded... weird.
This is probably the best chapter so far, story was developed correctly, but there are issues, all of them are consistency issues. First, I thought they killed Applebloom and fed her to the general and Celestia forever ago? It makes no sense for the general to lie if he knows he can't lose. On that matter, I actually liked how they are using the pony's talents to give them their work (Octavia as a performer for instance, though as a fan of Octavia I hate seeing her in that situation). The second issue was sadly one that solved an earlier issue, how can the assassin have a device capable of hacking Talomanza tech? It is almost as if the Talomanza aren't the only ones with high level tech. I was fine with the plasma weaponry before thanks to the fact that the Talomanza would probably help the assassins do the job they wanted, but giving them tech to spy on them seems stupid, how did the assassins get it? I can assume they stole it, but then the Talomanza would either not use them, or use them for a much lower price. The problem this solved was the Talomanza being over powered.
Finally, what is the gel? From what I could gather one injection was all you needed, but now (and this solves a problem with Armanii from the last chapter) it appears it needs to be injected regularly. The serum itself breaks the law of conservation of energy, but for most of the time it seems like it is permanent, now it doesn't. I seriously don't know which one to follow. This confuses me, and dropping a hint earlier in the story that it needs regular injection might help, though I suggest making it a sealing agent capable of preventing blood loss (and death) as well as allowing for limb reattachment or a new limb to be grown and attached. would make sense by the laws of physics and would give slightly more realism. Over all though, good chapter, and once again if I was confused on Applebloom please let me know, it may have been my confusion, and not your mistake.
mentioned that i was there when his father... capitalize that 'I'
Now onto a critique. To sum up my thoughts: 'what?' I understand that you were going for character development, but for some reason, your writing style went to shit. This is the first chapter to have segments where you don't start another paragraph when a different character is speaking. Even if it is in a flashback, you need to do that, it makes it a LOT easier to read. The flashbacks were also not handled well, I recommend either skimming over them, or slowing them down. You mention a girlfriend, something I am sure the cast should be curious about, but her only role is to know Galog and be a girlfriend, unless you plan to go somewhere with her, I suggest not worrying about a name. Another thing I am noticing, Armanii apparently is a better story teller then you are able to write. The story he tells that Applejack calls 'sweet' isn't sweet, sweet is a romantic kind of thing, that was a nice story. The story that causes everypony to cry? It isn't sad, but touching. It isn't the story of death, but of two friends coming together to get through a tough time. The conflict is jarring, so much so that a reader is likely to get thrown out at these stories.
As for the rest of the story, it all makes very good sense, the only real problems are the stories, but the rest is solid, showing how Canterlot has not been touched by the war. It actually reminds me of what I hear about Berlin during WWII, until the war got to them, they were just like that. It is perhaps the realist thing I have read so far. The soldier at the end was perfect, his face as a traitor would be well known, and the soldier acts like a soldier. there is a flaw though.
What? This confused me at first. If you hadn't said he was talking with the soldier, I would never have known. The problem is, there is no actions between telling the ponies to get on the train, and talking to the soldier. This leads me to believe he is right on top of the soldier when he says both things. This would ruin any attempt at convincing the soldier that they were allies, as an ally doesn't tell help to not come in this situation. Otherwise, I actually give this chapter a thumbs up, nothing else really needs changing. As for the flashbacks, you can do a page break style thing to make it work as a separate dialogue. I'll get to the last chapter when I can.
Emerald Impaler got impatient. slowly fuming with annoyance at the ponies. But i had to stick by Armaniis side
While all of you spelt comfortably?”
Those mistakes aside, there wasn't much wrong with this chapter, besides reality type of things. Once again, conservation of mass and energy for the 'Masher's' arms, and if you got hit by a plasma pistol to the head, there wouldn't be a head. this is a reality issue that needs to be solved asap. The assassin is easy, but the general is hard. You give him the arms to fit his persona, but perhaps human/cyborg combo would be better. He was part of an experiment to give artificial strength to soldiers and the end result is the hideous arms with ludicrous strength, but the mechanical arms are the only reason he is alive for some reason. That is an idea, but in the end, you have to remember, realism allows us to be a part of the story. We forgive Akira Toriyama for Picollo's arm regeneration, because it is unique to his species and fits with a being having enough power to blow up the moon since he has so much energy, it is actually possible. They also had heavily PRECISE attacks, so we forgave him for blasting a perfect hole through both Raditz and Goku, but these weapons are not that way, and there is nothing to convince me to overlook it.
This brings me down to the reason this probably never got too many views at the start, realism. People and ponies do things for a reason. Hitler made the Jews enemies to unite his people. Genghis Kahn conquered because his people lived in a desert-like area and he didn't like his neighbors. The one time I can recall him trying to be diplomatic, his messengers got killed, twice. So he wiped the city so far off the map it STILL hasn't recovered (Baghdad). In Equestria, Discord did what he did because he was bored. In Equestria, Chrysalis did what she did for her hive, and Sombra what he did for power. Everything has a reason, even if it isn't apparent on the surface. Keep that in mind as to the REASON things happened.
Next on the realism trek, if you want to write a story about a futuristic nation, your first step should be what we are doing now. Magna-nades are possible, though for the frost nades, I haven't enough information to know if they are realistic (if they freeze you solid, that is like being put into cryogenic-stasis, and without the proper thaw would kill the frozen person as ice crystals form in the body). Though the tech there is possible. The plasma weaponry is also possible, but laser weaponry would seem to be a LOT more effective in general. As for plasma, remember, it is the fourth state of matter where atoms have thrown away their electrons since the electromagnetic forces that hold them together are no longer stronger then the kinetic energy they possess. Fire is plasma, the sun is plasma, and therefore, plasma in general is VERY hot. It is also VERY susceptible to electromagnetic waves (hence one reason why I say lasers are better). Proof of the latter are solar flares. Back to the fact that they are hot, if they aren't then plasma is no longer a viable weapon, so you are stuck with it that way.
Now we hit another problem. I talked about regeneration, and the weaponry, now for the armor. The entire point of armor is to protect from attacks. Now, if the enemy is using plasma weaponry, the only defense would be moving, or electromagnetic fields. Neither of these work against bullets, and even less against lasers. This means they need some body armor the likes of which soldiers wear. For body armor to be usable, it must protect vital regions and allow for flexibility. Vital regions are chest, head, and anywhere a major blood vessel is found. So that is the arms and legs too. In order for an armor to protect against plasma and bullets, it would need the ability to produce EMF (Electro-Magnetic Field) and provide the stopping power to prevent a bullet from reaching the body. The Talomanza soldiers can apparently regrow any body part aside from the head, so now the only vital point is the head. If that is so they only need enough equipment to prevent the heads destruction, so all they really need is a good helmet and you are done, all you need beyond that is a way to make a soldier feel less pain and still be aware (again, cyborg can fix that) and you know have your soldier that fits within your tech. limits, and still reasonable. I also suggest looking into 'carbon fiber', stuff is amazing.
Finally, I give you my part of 'What do do.' Research into what we are doing now. this doesn't take much time. Research into what things are like for what you are using, there are somethings you can't just 'wing-it' on. If you have questions on scientific matters, I can help you on that, but only where it is needed. Get a pre-reader, someone to go through and say when something needs improvement or is straight up wrong story-wise. There are a LOT of support groups just for that on this site, use them. Judging from what is written, you don't need an editor, either you have one, or you are capable of doing a good job of editing yourself. You show that you know where you want the story to go, so you are good there. Basically, it is not the story that is bad, but the way it is delivered, and the facts that support it are. If this sounds like a lot of work, it is, but that is the price of making a popular fic. I have so far, made four total fics. One was rushed and flopped so I took it down to fix it (like you are going to fix this), one was a popular one-shot, another is an on going fic that keeps being realistic, though I test my bounds from time to time. I had to make certain that what I wrote was possible, and that is the most important part. If the reader feels like, for the universe you are in, that it is impossible, you will lose them.
For instance, the gary-stu red and black alicorn magically shows up and defeats all the troubles they meat and get married to all the mane 6 and becomes god-king of everything, sounds like a terrible story, because it is. Now make it a red and black pegasus that fails 30%-40% of the time, befriends AJ, Dash, and Pinkie while alienating Twilight and Fluttershy and absolutely hating Rarity, comes out of Las Pegasus to help the mane six in defeating a new evil. Let's also say that he is so maneuverable, that in tight corners he can be faster then Rainbow Dash because she can't maintain as high a speed through corners as he can, and this ends up allowing him to save the day. Which one sounds better to read?
One has realism, the other does not. This makes one story worth giving a try for at least a chapter. Now if that chapter is done well you will have an audience willing to see what you do. This leads to a story becoming popular. And it IS a lot of work, but it is all prep. Once you have the knowledge and a pre-reader, you should be able to blaze at roughly the same pace. This is the sacrifice though for a work of art. I plan to help you and negate the research (all I said so far is research worthy, though I leave you enough to get by on), but the last element is the drive to improve. It is possible to make this better as there are only two issues, realism, and flow. Most of the time it is realism, though some scenes (such as the flash backs in the previous chapter) do not flow well. So all you need is a pre-reader and you can take this from a diamond into the rough, into a brilliantly cut diamond.
Belated thought: I do also see (pretty late on) that there are ways to win, but remember, you want to get the reader's intention. If you want to show that Equestria can't win, have them get strategies together, an have them fail like in Apploosa. Make it seem like they understand how to beat the Talomanza, then have the Talomanza rip it out from beneath them with their true might. You can do this, and it is still your story.
~Good luck, and may Talos watch over you~
2629432 Ok, sorry i havent replied in a while, i've been at a convention. Im going to respond quickly to your last few comment. First off, yes, you were confused, they never killed applebloom, it was a completely random pony. Second, Masher being a cyborg is a great idea, i might use it, but it takes away a few abilities to eventually beat masher. Realism is a definate issue as well, when im tweaking the story i'll alter the things that you say seem unrealistic. Thanks for your time to read this and give me feedback :)
2631644 No problem, if you have any questions on the science, as I have stated, I will help with that, but for now, I wish you God speed.