Well, I honestly had to read this chapter twice before I fully understood what happened. It also leads me to a conundrum, do you really understand what a 1000 year head start on technology does? To put it simply, which would win a war in the year 1000, an iron sword, or the assault rifle? I STRONGLY suggest lowering that number. As for this, if a war was planned, why even mask diplomacy? I can see some reasons why (chairman wanted peace, but the master general wanted war), but they aren't exactly supported since it seems that Talomanza goes to war often. Then the question arrives of why the sergeant. Also, who is the chairman's daughter that was mentioned once (details can be important). Also, if they have the ability to neutralize magic, how can they be stopped? Without magic against a bullet the ponies can't win a war. So far, I have a lot of questions, but little desire to find out any real answers because I think important in formation is not provided. (You made the nation of Talomanza so far seem invincible, the only nation in reality to do that were the Mongols, and you can kill them. This makes it seem like a Gary Stu, strengths are fine so long as you don't go too far in the realms of impossibility early on, but so far it seems to me that Galog could take all of Equestria by himself, and that would defeat the purpose of this story.

Now onto stuff you do right, your characters react believably to their environment, this is good. You have made characters whose personalities are established, no need to really work there. The only time this seems to fail is that Celestia puts her ponies first, why would she bar diplomatic relations for personal time? It just seems a little out of character (This is fine if you explain it later, but I just read the first two chapters so far). Another thing is that you did give us an idea of what is going on, and I like that, I now understand that Talomanza is basically Nazi Germany in that they go around picking fights to further their own beliefs and policies.

Overall, your problem is details, and pacing. From what I can tell, from the meeting of Octavia to the declaration of war took less then an hour, details would make that feel like a more realistic time frame (several hours). Give details of places you are at, tell us a little about the walk to the castle, tell us about Galog getting irritated that it is taking so long. At this point I strongly suggest getting a proofreader from the proofreader group if you can, they can probably help you with this more then I can. Now, a fast pace can work, but brakes will prevent it from crashing (as has happened to me).

I hope this helps a bit, I will look at this over the next few days and let you know what I think.